Help me come up with a good punishment for my 17 yr kid (no joke)

[Gumbo4x4]

Are you punishing him for skipping school to have sex in your house or for being lazy and unmotivated and a halfasser? It's not very clear. I'm not sure of the lesson you are trying to teach.

I get the impression both - but that the latest episode is what is triggering the repercussion at this juncture

 

[Hannathy]

Are you sure all the seniors weren't doing it?

If it was just this time I would forget about . Mom he is going away to school in a few short months and you won't be there to check up on him and the school doesn't care. He has to have the ethics to do it or not.

As far as the girl again in a few short months no one is going to care if he is alone with a girl or not. And even now if they are doing anything they aren't waiting to no one is home at your house, there are plenty of chances else where.

If you don't like the girl being there when you aren't that is your right and your rule and I would remind him about it. I also would tell him to let me know if he is going to skip so I know what is going on and not get caught unaware. AP tests will be soon and once they are done there is very little teaching going on as a senior anyway. I'm a bit surprised they are skipping before AP's because ours don't usually do that till after AP's.

I wouldn't be punishing him, I would be discussing it with him as an adult and coming to an agreement as to how the rest of the year is going to play out.

 

[Alsobrook]

For the next four weekends, take him down to a local soup kitchen and have him volunteer there for 1/2 day each Saturday morning. Explain to him that you are disappointed in his choice to skip school. But tell him your primary concern is that he appears to lack motivation. He appears lazy and bored to you.

Accordingly, you have decided that you must illustrate to him where lazy and bored unmotivated people end up. And because his time is actually very valuable, he will spend it helping others so that he can learn what it takes to help himself.

With not so much as another word, drive him there this Saturday (having made the arrangements with the people who run the place in advance). Walk him in, and let him know you'll be back in 4 hours).

When you pick him up, don't say a word. If you must talk, let him know that you are certain those that he helped today appreciated his efforts and that you are certain they'll appreciate it next week too.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Mom he is going away to school in a few short months and you won't be there to check up on him and the school doesn't care.

Is he? Do we know that he's (A) going to college and (B) going AWAY to college?

 

[shortbun]

Wow, can I send you my report cards too?

Are you working hard to improve?

Btw, I have openly discussed this with the boy's mother prior to both agreements. She is happy that his grades are up and it's the only thing so far that has worked. We are good friends and she does stuff for my son too. The kids hanging around my house have been friends for years and all the parents are well aquainted as well. It's sympatico.

 

[shortbun]

A MEGA to do list of chores. No parties or going out till the end of the school year.

It IS the end of the school year for a senior. It's the end of free public school, for that matter. The MEGA list of chores would be ok but 'no parties' for a high school senior for skipping one day...hell on everyone and not practical. But, we all parent differently, huh?

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Well, I can tell you what I did in a similar circumstance. When my son cut school in high school, I told him that since he could not be trusted to go to school and come home on his own (he drove ) I would have to accompany him to school, and I did. Took the day off from work, went to school with him and sat outside every class. The humiliation of having "mommy" spend the day with him taught him a very valuable lesson.

I had told him that I would do this if he ever cut school, I don't think he believed me. He is now a college junior and an engineering major.

That's what I did. But I don't work, so it was fairly easy to do it. AND I was in the classroom with him. Lasted about a week.

 

[NotUrsula]

For the next four weekends, take him down to a local soup kitchen and have him volunteer there for 1/2 day each Saturday morning. Explain to him that you are disappointed in his choice to skip school. But tell him your primary concern is that he appears to lack motivation. He appears lazy and bored to you.

Accordingly, you have decided that you must illustrate to him where lazy and bored unmotivated people end up. And because his time is actually very valuable, he will spend it helping others so that he can learn what it takes to help himself.

With not so much as another word, drive him there this Saturday (having made the arrangements with the people who run the place in advance). Walk him in, and let him know you'll be back in 4 hours).

When you pick him up, don't say a word. If you must talk, let him know that you are certain those that he helped today appreciated his efforts and that you are certain they'll appreciate it next week too.

Oh, please; no, on more than one level.

Punishing the people who run the soup kitchen really isn't kind, and that is exactly what you are doing when you foist a "lazy" unwilling "volunteer" on them, for 16 hours, yet.

Also, where is it written that the the clients of soup kitchens are lazy and unmotivated? IME, most homeless end up that way because of issues of mental illness or substance abuse problems, and there are also plenty of people out there who are hungry because they can't find work.

I'm sure that the OP can find a punishment that gets the point across without having to punish innocent third parties in order to do it.

Me, I'd go with him to school and follow him like a puppy, AND I would either raid his bank account or force him to do home chores to pay me for the time off that I had to take to do it. I don't work cheap, either. Oh, and I'd change the locks on the house, too, and not give him his own key until the end of the school year, because obviously he can no longer be trusted to let himself in whenever he wants.

As to long-term ways to fix this, my first thought would be military service of some kind. However, like the soup kitchen folks, it isn't fair to foist an obstinate slacker onto the military, either. However, if he could be convinced to voluntarily sign up, it could be the making of him, and if it wasn't, they would soon enough kick him to the curb.

PS: I get the sense that the skipping itself isn't the crux of the issue, it is the breaking of rules around being alone at home with a girlfriend that seems to be bothering the OP more. I think the combination of sins here deserves a more serious punishment than what he might get for just skipping a half-day of school.

 

[sookie]

someones gonna be a grandma!!!!!!
ok, not cool, but seriously did you tell the 16 year old girls parents?! she needs to be on birth control.... like, the kind she can't miss (shot)...

 

[abdmom]

MY 16 yo ds and 13 yo dd say to take all his power cables - TV, laptop, video games, cell phone- and keep them at your workplace. I personally like the removal of the bedroom door idea. Definitely call the girl's mom.

 

[DVCLiz]

Is this a regular 17 year old college bound in his last month of high school senior? Or a screw up trying to make it to high school graduation with no real plans for his life after that?

If it's the first - I'd give him a pass. I just wouldn't be into punishing someone who would be living on his own within six months. Let him face the consequences of skipping on his own.

I'd make sure he had some up-to-date information on birth control, btw, for himself AND for her.

I don't know what I'd do if it's the second. Ignore the behavior and set up some new expectations, I think. Have him pay rent and follow house rules or find another place to live.

 

[Alsobrook]

Oh, please; no, on more than one level.

Punishing the people who run the soup kitchen really isn't kind, and that is exactly what you are doing when you foist a "lazy" unwilling "volunteer" on them, for 16 hours, yet.

Also, where is it written that the the clients of soup kitchens are lazy and unmotivated? IME, most homeless end up that way because of issues of mental illness or substance abuse problems, and there are also plenty of people out there who are hungry because they can't find work.

I'm sure that the OP can find a punishment that gets the point across without having to punish innocent third parties in order to do it.

Me, I'd go with him to school and follow him like a puppy, AND I would either raid his bank account or force him to do home chores to pay me for the time off that I had to take to do it. I don't work cheap, either. Oh, and I'd change the locks on the house, too, and not give him his own key until the end of the school year, because obviously he can no longer be trusted to let himself in whenever he wants.

As to long-term ways to fix this, my first thought would be military service of some kind. However, like the soup kitchen folks, it isn't fair to foist an obstinate slacker onto the military, either. However, if he could be convinced to voluntarily sign up, it could be the making of him, and if it wasn't, they would soon enough kick him to the curb.

PS: I get the sense that the skipping itself isn't the crux of the issue, it is the breaking of rules around being alone at home with a girlfriend that seems to be bothering the OP more. I think the combination of sins here deserves a more serious punishment than what he might get for just skipping a half-day of school.

 

[wvjules]

Wow, strict parents on the DIS. Most of these punishments are way overboard, IMO.

 

[Dee & Greg]

For the next four weekends, take him down to a local soup kitchen and have him volunteer there for 1/2 day each Saturday morning. Explain to him that you are disappointed in his choice to skip school. But tell him your primary concern is that he appears to lack motivation. He appears lazy and bored to you.

Accordingly, you have decided that you must illustrate to him where lazy and bored unmotivated people end up. And because his time is actually very valuable, he will spend it helping others so that he can learn what it takes to help himself.

With not so much as another word, drive him there this Saturday (having made the arrangements with the people who run the place in advance). Walk him in, and let him know you'll be back in 4 hours).

When you pick him up, don't say a word. If you must talk, let him know that you are certain those that he helped today appreciated his efforts and that you are certain they'll appreciate it next week too.

Are you my Father? That sounds Exactly like what he would have done! No yelling or threats.. just action.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

someones gonna be a grandma!!!!!!
ok, not cool, but seriously did you tell the 16 year old girls parents?! she needs to be on birth control.... like, the kind she can't miss (shot)...

Yes, I have to say that I would tailor the punishment to sitting down with DS and girlfriend and give a lecture on birth control and how you do not want to be a grandma.

However.... in the event that she ends up pregnant you are expecting him to get a job to start saving up money in case he has to support a family.

If he is going to make adult decisions about his life then he needs to start behaving like an adult.

I would tell him that he is no longer going to have use of the car either until he gets a job.

I know you said you do not want to take away the car however if that is something that is a major necessity it sounds like thing that needs to go. If he does not have a job, then there is no need to drive anywhere.

Then I would tell son that if he does not get his act together he is going to go for counseling so he can figure out a way to motivate himself into adulthood.

I would say that clearly as parents we have failed and now we are getting some outside help for you.

To be fair, I would already expect an unmotivated kid to already be working or volunteering somewhere already.

 

[herdtoDisney]

As a parent of three teen boys (and two younger girls) I think the part of the scenario that would bother me most is having the girl over during the 'skip'. I tend to think most seniors take at least one skip day-in HS we went in groups to the beach. Not saying he shouldn't be disiplined for that-as the parent that is your decision- maybe take the car for a week for that.

But I would probably call the girl's parents and let them know what all went on, and I'd tell DS I was doing that. And I agree with a PP to take his bedroom door away for a time. To make it crystal clear to DS that it cannot happen again, and to make them two have to face you/dh and her folks.

 

[LSmith]

Wow, strict parents on the DIS. Most of these punishments are way overboard, IMO.

I agree. This is a seventeen year old who skipped half a day of school to be with his gf and was ratted out by his brother. Wow, there is the crime of the century.

It appears that most parents are out for vengeance and not looking for a way to help motivate this almost adult.

Taking the kid's door off or forcing him to write an essay is going to help this guy? Marching him off to the girlfriend's house to discuss this infraction? Take a deep breath folks. Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me.

I also find it creepy that a parent would ask virtual strangers on the internet to help figure out ways to seriously punish their child. But then, I don't believe punishing him is going to work (he's SEVENTEEN). It looks like he needs some help getting motivated but it should be done in a positive way.

 

[cornflake]

Are you sure all the seniors weren't doing it?

If it was just this time I would forget about . Mom he is going away to school in a few short months and you won't be there to check up on him and the school doesn't care. He has to have the ethics to do it or not.

As far as the girl again in a few short months no one is going to care if he is alone with a girl or not. And even now if they are doing anything they aren't waiting to no one is home at your house, there are plenty of chances else where.

If you don't like the girl being there when you aren't that is your right and your rule and I would remind him about it. I also would tell him to let me know if he is going to skip so I know what is going on and not get caught unaware. AP tests will be soon and once they are done there is very little teaching going on as a senior anyway. I'm a bit surprised they are skipping before AP's because ours don't usually do that till after AP's.

I wouldn't be punishing him, I would be discussing it with him as an adult and coming to an agreement as to how the rest of the year is going to play out.

This.

I also don't quite understand what the OP wants to punish him FOR - skipping? Which... really? Having his gf over? Same answer. The slacking, I don't know why this would trigger that but I think the time to punish to turn that one around has probably passed.

Agree I'd just sit down and discuss whatever part upset you. Aside from academic issues, the rest would get a raised eyebrow from me and nothing much else. I'd also chide the other brother for being a big tattletale. I mean if he caught the older one doing heavy drugs or doing something dangerous, that's one thing but calling mom to tell on his brother for cutting class?

 

[SaraJayne]

Wow, strict parents on the DIS. Most of these punishments are way overboard, IMO.

I thought I was strict until I read this thread. I agree with you.

If the kid is a senior and has what -five weeks- of high school left, I think I'd let it go with a discussion about house rules and safe sex.

 

[SaraJayne]

As a parent of three teen boys (and two younger girls) I think the part of the scenario that would bother me most is having the girl over during the 'skip'. I tend to think most seniors take at least one skip day-in HS we went in groups to the beach. Not saying he shouldn't be disiplined for that-as the parent that is your decision- maybe take the car for a week for that.

But I would probably call the girl's parents and let them know what all went on, and I'd tell DS I was doing that. And I agree with a PP to take his bedroom door away for a time. To make it crystal clear to DS that it cannot happen again, and to make them two have to face you/dh and her folks.

Call her parents and tell them what went on? Really?

What exactly did go on? They spent the day together...and??