He won't propose!

[WowLookAtThat]

See previous posts about why it has to be in June, although PPs have brought up the idea of doing it over spring break

It CAN be June 2015. I just was hoping for sooner so we can begin our life together.

Definitely not pregnant

Is it possible that you just want to put a status on the relationship? Like, to have the ring and say with confidence that you are engaged?

 

[pigletgirl]

See previous posts about why it has to be in June, although PPs have brought up the idea of doing it over spring break It CAN be June 2015. I just was hoping for sooner so we can begin our life together. Definitely not pregnant

If he truly is the right one, then the timing should not matter. You should have peace knowing that. Give you BF some space and he will come back. You have to trust that. What if he has fears? Commitment is a scary thing.

Right before we got engaged, DH and I didn't speak for almost 2 weeks. We came to a point in our lives where we were either going to get married or be done. He really did some soul searching and decided it was the right thing to do. In fact, we both had doubts and fears but it was a comfort to know we both shared that. We worked it through and here we are 2.5 years later with a baby girl.

 

[emilily88]

Is it possible that you just want to put a status on the relationship? Like, to have the ring and say with confidence that you are engaged?

Well... Kind of. I do want to be engaged officially, but not because I think it will fix our relationship (because we have a great relationship) or because I think it will keep him (because I know he isn't going anywhere). I definitely want the engaged status, but I feel like I don't want it just to say I'm engaged and play dress-up with wedding gowns, if that makes sense. I want to say I'm engaged because that means I get to be his wife soon.

 

[emilily88]

If he truly is the right one, then the timing should not matter. You should have peace knowing that. Give you BF some space and he will come back. You have to trust that. What if he has fears? Commitment is a scary thing.

Oh for sure. That's what I keep trying to tell myself... That whole thing about if you let it go and it comes back, it's yours? I've been saying that to myself a lot lately I am definitely learning patience the hard way!

 

[Wishing on a star]

With 'SOON' being the operative word......

Please re-read my post above....

 

[emilily88]

With 'SOON' being the operative word...... Please re-read my post above....

No, not soon from right now, soon from when we get engaged. I know whenever he proposes, we won't have a super long engagement.

 

[moon]

Op, are you helping him pay the rent?

 

[emilily88]

Op, are you helping him pay the rent?

No. I told him I would help pay for groceries since I end up eating a lot of his food (oops) but he is paying rent.

 

[pigletgirl]

Oh for sure. That's what I keep trying to tell myself... That whole thing about if you let it go and it comes back, it's yours? I've been saying that to myself a lot lately I am definitely learning patience the hard way!

Exactly. Continue on with your life with friends, work, etc. But waiting around really is the worst and it doesn't accomplish anything.

 

[Vidia2]

I'm obviously not the only girl whose boyfriend was a little slow on proposing - a PP even said her DH chickened out a few times before he asked. I was looking for advice from other people who have been in this limbo of "we've looked at rings but he hasn't proposed yet". As I've said in many previous posts... We DO have a date (picked tentatively by process of elimination) and the venue is the church he grew up in.

So, is it correct to say that you want reassurances from other people who've been in your situation, i.e. limbo? Not necessarily comments from us who are saying that there are red flags?

 

[luvmy3]

Again... Why is buying things that we can afford a bad thing?? Because I'm 25? Is there a rule that says that you must sit on goodwill furniture until you turn 30?? Sorry we don't prefer to sit on the floor.

I think they mean that because you aren't living there that you shouldn't be paying for half of the furniture.
You have been with this guy for 4 years, obviously you know him and none of us do. If you want to pay for half of a couch that sits in his apartment there is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. Its not like he's some deadbeat long lost relative hitting you up right? He's your long time boyfriend and I assume by this point in your relationship you do share things, even if you don't have some piece of paper with a State seal on it. My guess is you'll also be spending quite alot of time at his apartment and by default using that couch.

Anyway, the proposal thing is something different. I realize you said you have talked about it, but it really sounds like he is having second thoughts, not necessarily about marrying you, just about being married in general. I think that is totally normal, it is a life changing decision. You guys are young, you have time to think it all out and do it when you are both really ready.

 

[suzannen]

I was finishing dinner at a Thai restaurant and looking at the dessert menu when my then longtime boyfriend said "so, do you want to do this or what?" I said, "what, order dessert?" He said, "No, get married!" Not that, on the knees, romantic surprise with flowers or horse-drawn carriages into the sunset, but just "get married." (After I started breathing again, I said "yes")

We recently celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary and DH has been the most super romantic guy ever since, but was so extremely nervous and anxious about this one question; as a financial planner it was very difficult for him to contemplate a decades-long financial commitment! We had a small wedding of 65 guests. Meanwhile, I have had so many friends who have had fabulously romantic proposals, large expensive weddings, and their marriages are teetering years later. Please don't put such an emphasis on the proposal or wedding, and spend more time focusing on the marriage.

Funny side, after that "proposal," both my MIL and SIL called me separately to say "how did you do it?" I said "Do what?" Apparently, my DH was the first male in his family in many years that had actually brought up marriage themselves; both my MIL and SIL ended up proposing because they got tired of waiting and couldn't believe DH had actually "proposed" to me!

Good luck, OP!

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Well... Kind of. I do want to be engaged officially, but not because I think it will fix our relationship (because we have a great relationship) or because I think it will keep him (because I know he isn't going anywhere). I definitely want the engaged status, but I feel like I don't want it just to say I'm engaged and play dress-up with wedding gowns, if that makes sense. I want to say I'm engaged because that means I get to be his wife soon.

Ok, you asked for people who were in the same situation and I will give you what mine was.

My husband and I were together for years before getting married. Granted, we were young when we started dating but we knew we were going to get married. That being said we could have married earlier and I could have pushed it. Yet, I didn't. It wasn't right to expect an engagement or anything because we were in school and just enjoying each other. We did talk about a wedding and when we were actually engaged (no ring sadly, couldn't afford it) we did plan the event but unfortunately for sad reasons, we couldn't have a wedding and our date was gone. I didn't care about that. I just wanted to marry him and he wanted to marry me. We married in a small courthouse wedding and the next year we were living in Hawaii and having a great time.

Now the morale of the story is this. I could have pushed and he would have probably married me earlier but then again I wanted things to happen naturally and I was still young.Planning everything was too stressful so I just put it to the side an enjoyed my time with him. Did I want to plan a wedding? Yeah, almost every girl does but when the chips came down to it, all I wanted was him.

All that didn't matter. Not having the ring, the dress, nothing would have mattered if I had to prod him. He had to be ready by more than just words but actions. You have to question yourself with certainty. Is he ready? Not by what he SAYS but by what he DOES. If he is...then let it happen naturally if not then you have to question what is it that you want.

 

[jrmasm]

Op, are you helping him pay the rent?

He lives at home.

OP, you need to quit putting the cart before the horse. Picking a date and a venue before an engagement is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Same with buying furniture and appliances that you don't live in.

Save your money, focus on your career and enjoy being young. When and if your boyfriend proposes then you start planning for that stage in your life.

 

[Nolcrest]

I felt pressured just reading your post. Unless you want to be the one to propose I feel you should just stop w/all the wedding plans. And come to the realization that your "dream" wedding may not take place in June.

You seem too hung up on the wedding. Let him go at his pace. If that doesn't work for you either you can propose to him or move on.

 

[thankudrivethru]

Honestly, that one was my choice. I felt bad for us talking about getting married so soon but making him pay for everything. It didn't seem fair to me and I know I'm gonna get jumped all over for saying that but I wanted to help out with things that would only be "his" for a few months.

You are jumping in two feet first super fast, he is standing by the edge twiddling his thumbs.

Again... Why is buying things that we can afford a bad thing?? Because I'm 25? Is there a rule that says that you must sit on goodwill furniture until you turn 30?? Sorry we don't prefer to sit on the floor.

It's not that buying is bad, but that you helped buy. You just gave him a free ride like a sugar mama,DOESN'T matter if you paid half.

Sorry, but you're missing EVERYONE'S point. His actions say he isn't ready. You don't have a ring or a date or a venue.

I am sorry to agree, but i do. He has only said " yeah okay" to the situation but no ring no date no venue means no wedding.

You need to talk to him and stop talking to us about it. This great communication you think you have is not great at all! YOU need to talk HIM ASAP! I am sorry to sound harsh.We all been trying to tell you one thing but in other words with out actually saying it...he isn't ready to get married. I can feel the push just from reading all your posts.

So just stop while you are ahead go talk to the DBF and see what he says! And then when all is said and done you can come back here and post that we all were wrong if that is the case. But either way kiddo you need to talk to him NOW.

There is a difference between being married and being married. It is not all rainbows and unicorns and glitter

 

[emilily88]

He lives at home. OP, you need to quit putting the cart before the horse. Picking a date and a venue before an engagement is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Same with buying furniture and appliances that you don't live in. Save your money, focus on your career and enjoy being young. When and if your boyfriend proposes then you start planning for that stage in your life.

For now - he's moving into the apartment in a week...

As far as everyone telling me the red flags, obviously I want all opinions, but I think a lot of people are commenting without reading all of my posts and I don't want people to get the wrong idea! Is it a possibility that he's getting cold feet or changing his mind? That's always a possibility, but I don't live my life assuming the worst. He could leave me tomorrow, he could leave me in 10 years, but I know him and I trust that he won't.

A lot of people are posting that I am just interested in a wedding, and I don't want anyone to think that, because it's the farthest thing from the truth. I just want a marriage

It all boils down to me being impatient and helpless in this situation. I'm a very independent person and used to getting what I want, because I work for it. It's hard for me to have a goal and know that I am not the one who affects if/when it happens. Has nothing to do with me not trusting him, it's just that when I see something I want, I go for it, but I can't do that in this situation.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

A lot of people are posting that I am just interested in a wedding, and I don't want anyone to think that, because it's the farthest thing from the truth. I just want a marriage

You keep saying that BUT you also keep bringing planning for the wedding.

 

[emilily88]

You keep saying that BUT you also keep bringing planning for the wedding.

Because if we're going to have a wedding, I want time to do it right and make it look nice mostly I'm just concerned about getting the venue, photographer, caterer, etc booked. Like, I don't care what the flowers look like or what food we have, as long as I know we have flowers and food!

 

[jrmasm]

For now - he's moving into the apartment in a week... As far as everyone telling me the red flags, obviously I want all opinions, but I think a lot of people are commenting without reading all of my posts and I don't want people to get the wrong idea! Is it a possibility that he's getting cold feet or changing his mind? That's always a possibility, but I don't live my life assuming the worst. He could leave me tomorrow, he could leave me in 10 years, but I know him and I trust that he won't. A lot of people are posting that I am just interested in a wedding, and I don't want anyone to think that, because it's the farthest thing from the truth. I just want a marriage It all boils down to me being impatient and helpless in this situation. I'm a very independent person and used to getting what I want, because I work for it. It's hard for me to have a goal and know that I am not the one who affects if/when it happens. Has nothing to do with me not trusting him, it's just that when I see something I want, I go for it, but I can't do that in this situation.

I have read every one of your posts. Your boy friend is not ready to propose or he would have done it already.