Have you ever made a life decision without telling your partner?

[Nancyg56]

To be honest, yes. I run the household and every decision goes through me. If I want to buy something substantial I will do the research and find what I want. Then, I’ll tell my husband about it and ask if that’s ok. He can say no but he knows I usually am right so he goes along with it. He has too much going on so he has no problem with me running things.

It might not work for everyone, but it works for us and makes life run smoothly..for the most part lol

But don't you think that is different than simply having major purchases appear in the house?. My Mom did that. She was the money manager, ran the home, and never consulted my Dad about any purchase for the home. He woudl cone home and boom! A new living room set, or dinign set was in place, and the old one in the basement. Now he did not want to know about the fridge or stove but she never even ran a thing by him, with the exception of a vehicle purchase when he was driving the vehicle, and I bet she would have handled that too, given the option. I thought it was a bit controlling, to be honest.

 

[kimblebee]

But don't you think that is different than simply having major purchases appear in the house?. My Mom did that. She was the money manager, ran the home, and never consulted my Dad about any purchase for the home. He woudl cone home and boom! A new living room set, or dinign set was in place, and the old one in the basement. Now he did not want to know about the fridge or stove but she never even ran a thing by him, with the exception of a vehicle purchase when he was driving the vehicle, and I bet she would have handled that too, given the option. I thought it was a bit controlling, to be honest.

Yeah, it is different. I wouldn’t buy furniture without his ok, but by the time I get to mentioning it to him it’s pretty much a done deal. Of course, if he strongly objected I would listen to him and we’d find a compromise.

 

[gillep]

But don't you think that is different than simply having major purchases appear in the house?. My Mom did that. She was the money manager, ran the home, and never consulted my Dad about any purchase for the home. He woudl cone home and boom! A new living room set, or dinign set was in place, and the old one in the basement. Now he did not want to know about the fridge or stove but she never even ran a thing by him, with the exception of a vehicle purchase when he was driving the vehicle, and I bet she would have handled that too, given the option. I thought it was a bit controlling, to be honest.

Until you mentioned this, I totally forgot that I almost did this. My husband was away one weekend for a triathlon training event and I had been having a lot of back problems and pain that I traced back to our couch. It was a holiday weekend so lots of furniture places were having sales so I went to check a few out. I totally put down a deposit on a beautiful new couch (with back support) without my husband there. I texted him some pictures and he was a bit caught off guard as he didn't know we needed a new couch, but he said to do whatever I thought best. The deposit was enough to lock in the sale price long enough for my husband to go see it, which was a good thing because it ended up being too big for our room (I totally forgot to measure before I went off on my quest). He wouldn't have had a problem with it though if a new couch showed up, and yes, if I had to buy it on the spot I would have gone home to measure. To this day we are still looking, it would have been so much easier if that one would have fit, especially since my husband also really liked it once he got to see it.

I think this type of thing depends on the person, I know that my husband wouldn't care about me purchasing a new couch, it just isn't something that he cares that much about, and trusts my opinion. If it were a new mattress or something that he cared more about then I would also know that and would not have gone out on my own to purchase it.

 

[AuntieMe3]

A friend got "neutered" without telling his wife. He wanted to have an affair without "consequences." The wife was very fertile, and when she couldn't get pregnant again, the husband told her why. Yes, they got divorced.

I have a friend who's husband did this and they are still together. I think it's very sad for her because she always wanted many children which he said he wanted as well.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

There is a level of trust involved though, and while I understand that one should never enter into a marraige without that trust, I also believe that it needs to build as the years pass. For instance, when DH and I married, I knew I trusted him, however even though we had spent years together prior to our marraige, we were still growing, and needed to continue to learn to grow individually as our children left our nest. For us, that meant dealing with the changes I was facing moreso than him, but he was learning to adjust to my needs and wants. As much as I knew he woudl support me in any decision I made, I could never have removed him from the discussion, because he was the other half of my whole heart.

As he approached a turning point in his life, Retirement, he was faced with several financial decisions regarding how he planned to take his pension. Oh the "guys" had plenty of advice, most of which was appalling to the accountant in me, but I listened. We went to several meetings with the pension specialist, and I had decided what to choose, but he was still leaning towards the "guys" advice. At that point I felt we were at a crossroad, and decided that rather than try to convince this man that I was right, I could trust my huband to make a decision that was not just in his best interest, but one that considered me in the unspeakable event that something happened to him. I knew that I would need to sign off on whatever decsion that was made, but I never said that out loud. You see, I knew that no matter what DH said, he was never going to do anything that had any potential harm to me, and he did not. In the fist few years of our marraige, we were still building that foundation of trust, and I think I would bhave been more verbal. Rather than just laying out the financials, and then trusting, I would have have plenty of words tossed in there as well.

I completely agree with you, and I don’t think it’s realistic to believe or expect that the kind of deep trust you are discussing happens in the first few years of a relationship. I would have hotly disputed it at the time, but after 23 years together, there is a foundation of trust and connection that took a long time to build. I certainly don’t believe that it’s something you can build faster - it just takes many many years of both showing up, working as a team and proving that we can both be trusted. 5 years into our marriage I would have said that we had this, but what we have now is very different.

So I can say that I know what I can and can’t do without checking in with my husband, because all those years of proving my trustworthiness means that he knows I wouldn’t do anything that was contrary to our joint interest. But that doesn’t mean that all relationships that don’t function the way mine does are flawed. And, certainly, because we trust each other implicitly after all these years and having never been given a reason not to trust the other party, one of us could easily abuse that, were we so inclined.

 

[Dancind]

The one about the husband declining consent when the wife wanted her tubes tied? That's really bad.

I married when I was close to 40, and my income paid most of the household bills. Didn't even occur to me to mention it when I decided to buy DVC, and then add on. For a while it was a joke, DH would come home and ask "did you buy any points today?"

I've gotten better. And he now pays an equal share since his income went up and I retired.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

The one about the husband declining consent when the wife wanted her tubes tied? That's really bad.

I married when I was close to 40, and my income paid most of the household bills.

I think the age of the couple must also play a part. My husband and I have been together since high school, we supported each other through university and grad school, and when we were both establishing our careers. We have gone from no money (ie our only income was allowance from parents!), to almost no money, to both having good professional careers, and we took every step of that together.

If I were to marry someone now, and especially if we kept our finances separate, I must admit I would likely struggle with the idea that he should be consulted before I spent my money or made changes to my career. Whereas, the only “my money” I ever got was from family inheritances, and everything else has always been pooled. Likewise, I think we are invested in each other’s careers in a way that we wouldn’t be if we had both had established careers before we met. As it is, we chose our university courses together (we didn’t do the same courses, but we talked about what courses each of us would take), he worked while I focussed on grad school, and I proof-read his PhD thesis. If I remarried tomorrow, I’m sure we would be close and I would b interested in his work in a vague way, but I certainly would not be reading my new spouse’s thesis!

 

[Nancyg56]

Until you mentioned this, I totally forgot that I almost did this. My husband was away one weekend for a triathlon training event and I had been having a lot of back problems and pain that I traced back to our couch. It was a holiday weekend so lots of furniture places were having sales so I went to check a few out. I totally put down a deposit on a beautiful new couch (with back support) without my husband there. I texted him some pictures and he was a bit caught off guard as he didn't know we needed a new couch, but he said to do whatever I thought best. The deposit was enough to lock in the sale price long enough for my husband to go see it, which was a good thing because it ended up being too big for our room (I totally forgot to measure before I went off on my quest). He wouldn't have had a problem with it though if a new couch showed up, and yes, if I had to buy it on the spot I would have gone home to measure. To this day we are still looking, it would have been so much easier if that one would have fit, especially since my husband also really liked it once he got to see it.

I think this type of thing depends on the person, I know that my husband wouldn't care about me purchasing a new couch, it just isn't something that he cares that much about, and trusts my opinion. If it were a new mattress or something that he cared more about then I would also know that and would not have gone out on my own to purchase it.

My husband would be annoyed, not because he cared what I chose, but that I did not care to discuss it with him. Now I have booked vacations and then told him about them, but for some reason he does nto get all bunched up about them. I think it is because somewhere along the line we talked in general about them, and he knows I will book when I get the right discount. For instance, I saw a good deal at the resort we like in Aruba and booked it for a week I think will work out well for my family. I can cancel, so no harm no foul. I told him I booked and that as we get closer we can discuss the viability of that trip. I gues he knows that I knwo what he is okay with.

 

[gillep]

My husband would be annoyed, not because he cared what I chose, but that I did not care to discuss it with him. Now I have booked vacations and then told him about them, but for some reason he does nto get all bunched up about them. I think it is because somewhere along the line we talked in general about them, and he knows I will book when I get the right discount. For instance, I saw a good deal at the resort we like in Aruba and booked it for a week I think will work out well for my family. I can cancel, so no harm no foul. I told him I booked and that as we get closer we can discuss the viability of that trip. I gues he knows that I knwo what he is okay with.

Agreed, it just depends on the person and how well you know them. I wouldn't book a vacation without consulting DH in that moment just because, even though we certainly would have talked about it a lot leading up to the booking, I know that he is the type to change his mind up until the point of booking and I would want to make sure that he was happy with the final decision. If he were the type to decide on a vacation and stick with it then I would have no issue with booking without him as long as we had discussed it at some point. He did not care at all that I went out shopping and almost purchasing without him, just different personalities. I also would not care at all if I was out of town traveling and he was having pain from the couch and decided to replace it without me, as I know he would take my tastes into consideration and would make sure to get something that worked with our lifestyle. Now, if either of us took it upon ourselves to purchase everything without the other's input then I would see it differently, but a one off purchase because one of us really felt strongly about needing a replacement wouldn't bother me.

 

[tzolkin]

I think the age of the couple must also play a part. My husband and I have been together since high school, we supported each other through university and grad school, and when we were both establishing our careers. We have gone from no money (ie our only income was allowance from parents!), to almost no money, to both having good professional careers, and we took every step of that together.

If I were to marry someone now, and especially if we kept our finances separate, I must admit I would likely struggle with the idea that he should be consulted before I spent my money or made changes to my career. Whereas, the only “my money” I ever got was from family inheritances, and everything else has always been pooled. Likewise, I think we are invested in each other’s careers in a way that we wouldn’t be if we had both had established careers before we met. As it is, we chose our university courses together (we didn’t do the same courses, but we talked about what courses each of us would take), he worked while I focussed on grad school, and I proof-read his PhD thesis. If I remarried tomorrow, I’m sure we would be close and I would b interested in his work in a vague way, but I certainly would not be reading my new spouse’s thesis!

I think this is very true. DH and I have also been together since we were teenagers and neither of us would have the career/life paths we do without the other. For example, DH would not have chosen his career if he hadn’t had a family that he felt the desire to support and he would not have gone back to further his education (a few years into our marriage) if I had not given him that opportunity by taking care of everything else.

We purchased our first house while we were both still in undergrad. There has never been any yours/mine in anything we have ever had or done.

Our entire adult lives have been spent together. I can definitely see where there would be a difference if people had been living independently, doing whatever/whenever they wanted, for decades before getting into a relationship.


We do know each other pretty well after all these years so there are some decisions we’re confident that the other would approve of without asking. I went out of town a few weeks after we bought our most recent home and DH did a few projects including painting our bedroom a very bold teal color. When this came up in conversation with his coworkers (all women) severely reprimanded him and told him I was going to be mad and/or hate it. I walked in, said “oh you painted. Nice color” and that was it. DH knew that would be my reaction and he knew it was a color I would have chosen anyway had he given me to option.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I think this is very true. DH and I have also been together since we were teenagers and neither of us would have the career/life paths we do without the other. For example, DH would not have chosen his career if he hadn’t had a family that he felt the desire to support and he would not have gone back to further his education (a few years into our marriage) if I had not given him that opportunity by taking care of everything else.

We purchased our first house while we were both still in undergrad. There has never been any yours/mine in anything we have ever had or done.

Our entire adult lives have been spent together. I can definitely see where there would be a difference if people had been living independently, doing whatever/whenever they wanted, for decades before getting into a relationship.


We do know each other pretty well after all these years so there are some decisions we’re confident that the other would approve of without asking. I went out of town a few weeks after we bought our most recent home and DH did a few projects including painting our bedroom a very bold teal color. When this came up in conversation with his coworkers (all women) severely reprimanded him and told him I was going to be mad and/or hate it. I walked in, said “oh you painted. Nice color” and that was it. DH knew that would be my reaction and he knew it was a color I would have chosen anyway had he given me to option.

I completely agree, and your situation mirrors ours very closely.

That’s why I think it is very hard to say that there is one right way - if it works for both spouses then the fact that it’s not how I would do it is irrelevant.

 

[John VN]

A friend got "neutered" without telling his wife. He wanted to have an affair without "consequences." The wife was very fertile, and when she couldn't get pregnant again, the husband told her why. Yes, they got divorced.

I have a friend who's husband did this and they are still together. I think it's very sad for her because she always wanted many children which he said he wanted as well.

Are you talking vasectomy (most likely and not considered neutered) or CASTRATION??? (VERY RARELY)

BIG DIFFERENCE !!!!

 

[tzolkin]

Are you talking vasectomy (most likely and not considered neutered) or CASTRATION??? (VERY RARELY)

BIG DIFFERENCE !!!!

Since it was for the purpose of having affairs I’m assuming they meant vasectomy. Castration might put a damper on that.

 

[Colleen27]

But don't you think that is different than simply having major purchases appear in the house?. My Mom did that. She was the money manager, ran the home, and never consulted my Dad about any purchase for the home. He woudl cone home and boom! A new living room set, or dinign set was in place, and the old one in the basement. Now he did not want to know about the fridge or stove but she never even ran a thing by him, with the exception of a vehicle purchase when he was driving the vehicle, and I bet she would have handled that too, given the option. I thought it was a bit controlling, to be honest.

I could see that happening here, if only because DH just doesn't care about things like furniture. He'd rather be left out of the shopping process for most household items. So while it comes up in a general way ("The couch is beat, what do you think about replacing it?"), it wouldn't be unheard of for him to come home from work to new furniture already in place in the house.

 

[Nancyg56]

Agreed, it just depends on the person and how well you know them. I wouldn't book a vacation without consulting DH in that moment just because, even though we certainly would have talked about it a lot leading up to the booking, I know that he is the type to change his mind up until the point of booking and I would want to make sure that he was happy with the final decision. If he were the type to decide on a vacation and stick with it then I would have no issue with booking without him as long as we had discussed it at some point. He did not care at all that I went out shopping and almost purchasing without him, just different personalities. I also would not care at all if I was out of town traveling and he was having pain from the couch and decided to replace it without me, as I know he would take my tastes into consideration and would make sure to get something that worked with our lifestyle. Now, if either of us took it upon ourselves to purchase everything without the other's input then I would see it differently, but a one off purchase because one of us really felt strongly about needing a replacement wouldn't bother me.

I get it. We all know our spouses, and we know, many times without an apparent discussion, that a purchase is going to be made. My DH knows that if we discuss a vacation, even a hypothetical one, if a good price comes about, and there is no penalty for canceling, I am going to lock in that price. I know if he tells me he needs a truck one is going to appear at some point. It's weird, he needs to have a full on conversation about the merits of a new tractor, knowing I don't have any opinon whatsoever, and know even less about what he needs in that respect, but a dump truck? He mentions it and then next thing I know I have one parked in the driveway! I don't care, but really, a tractor I have to discuss for hours on end, but a dump truck, that I could probably have a reasonable conversation about, it's a done deal.

I could see that happening here, if only because DH just doesn't care about things like furniture. He'd rather be left out of the shopping process for most household items. So while it comes up in a general way ("The couch is beat, what do you think about replacing it?"), it wouldn't be unheard of for him to come home from work to new furniture already in place in the house.

Buddy does not really care either. He lives in fear I will want him to have an opinion about washers, dryers, and any other appliance that's mysterious. I wont buy one without telling him I am shopping around, and he is grateful I don't drag him with me. My mom's situation was different I think. I don't think my dad even knew she was thinking of replacing a thing, and that was strange to me.

 

[powellrj]

I started to reply to this on the first day it was posted, but stopped when I realized we are nothing like other couples.

I have mentioned before that my DH is a workaholic. Being that he is a workaholic, he cares about work. That is about all. I have bought cars without him. At one point, I had a car allowance for my job, so I became better at buying them than he did, so he just let me handle it. I am 5ft and he is 6ft 4in, so I would usually find a larger sales person and see how they fit.

I have bought all the furniture and appliances in our house because he just doesn't care. If it were up to him, we would still be living in our first apartment that was part of a garage. I would be hard pressed to have found room for our 3 kids!

We have been married for over 40 years so I guess it works for us!

 

[Disney Doll]

DH and the discuss major purchases like houses, cars or furniture...a room of furniture, not necessarily if I saw a cute little corner table. When we get into things costing high hundreds or thousands of dollars, we discuss.

Career changes and other things we discuss because, frankly, I value his input and perspective. And sometimes during these discussions he gives me a perspective I’ve never thought of, so it’s quite helpful.

He does the same with me. We’re almost 27 years married so I guess it’s working out OK for us.

 

[LovesTimone]

Nope... We are a team... there is no I in team...

 

[kamik86]

I see some folks consult with SO over purchases over $100, which I understand. But I'd be calling my husband every other time I was in the grocery store if that was the case!

Ok normally we consult on purchases over 100 too but there are a few exceptions.

We both have an "account" we track of money we can spend with no consulation. I tned to save mine and buy bigger things so I don't have to consult him spending that. To be honest I do more because I suck at shopping and he sometimes finds a better deal for that thing I want. He rarely saves his to buy bigger things.

Things already in the budget don't count. Which includes normal grocery shopping.

 

[kimblebee]

Nope... We are a team... there is no I in team...

But there is a me..