Have you ever made a life decision without telling your partner?

[cruiser21]

We have separate accounts and we don't consult each other on purchases. Something like a house or car of course. I couldn't just go out and buy a house without selling the house we live in first. I don't have several hundred thousand dollars laying around to run out and purchase a house.

 

[gillep]

My company was being relocated across the country and I was much more hesitant to make the move than he was. He ended up putting a deposit on a plot of land to build our house in the new location without telling me. It was in the area that we wanted to be in, and was a great lot that could accommodate the model of house we wanted to build. The deposit was fully refundable so it wasn't that much of a commitment, but all of my co-workers sure got a laugh when he called and told me what he did, I am guessing that the look on my face was quite interesting.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A friend got "neutered" without telling his wife. He wanted to have an affair without "consequences." The wife was very fertile, and when she couldn't get pregnant again, the husband told her why. Yes, they got divorced.

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

A friend got "neutered" without telling his wife. He wanted to have an affair without "consequences." The wife was very fertile, and when she couldn't get pregnant again, the husband told her why. Yes, they got divorced.

Ouch.

Many years ago, a co-workers wife went for a c-section with the understanding that her tubes would be tied while she was under. After she was knocked out, they brought her husband the consent papers to sign and he decided not to give consent. She was pregnant with twins less than 6 months later. I'm pretty sure they are divorced now.

 

[sonnyjane]

I left a job and changed careers. He was in a place with no communication so I had to wait a week before telling him.

Last year I was in a place with no communication and he started a side business. I didn’t find out until 2 weeks later.

There’s a running joke between us that any time I go out of town, he trades in one vehicle for another. He has done this at least 6 times without telling me.

I guess we feel that as long as it doesn’t impact the other person, it’s fine, and as long as we aren’t moving locations and still can pay bills and save for retirement, it doesn’t impact the other person.

 

[tzolkin]

I see some folks consult with SO over purchases over $100, which I understand. But I'd be calling my husband every other time I was in the grocery store if that was the case!

I always assume they mean any $100+ unexpected purchases. Groceries and basic expenses would already be included in their budget.

I guess it depends. I make decision about my car, career, and school on my own, but I work and make my own money and I don't really care what anyone thinks I should do with my paycheck that I work and earn. We make joint decisions on things like a house that have an impact on the whole family

I get what you're saying about it being "your" money. However, to me, all the things you mentioned (car, career, school) are decisions that could have an impact on the whole family (having adequate transportation, adjusting family activities around work and school schedules, change in salary, etc).

 

[NHdisneylover]

No- we ARE partners, so major decisions are made jointly.

I was co leaders of a GS troop a while back. One day my co leader'S husband came home from work and told her he was offered and accepted that day a relocation. Never asked her her thoughts at all.
I could not be married to someone like that.

 

[china mom]

I just remembered one. For a while, it seemed that every time DH was out of town, I would start a major remodeling project. The first time DH went out of town, when he got back, he discovered that I had removed a wall, making our four bedroom house into a three bedroom. Another time, I removed the wall between the dining room and living room. There were other projects but those were the two biggies.

 

[wenrob]

No kidding! DH & I don't make major purchases without consulting one another, not even on the order of a new camera or computer much less a car or boat, but I don't need to consult with him every time I go grocery shopping or take the kids to get new clothes. I'd put the line more around $250 for discussing a purchase with DH; he, on the other hand, tends to want my okay before making any non-routine purchase of more than about $50 or so, simply because I'm the one who manages the budget and he doesn't want to "mess things up".

Almost exactly this. DH will ask me about purchases over a couple hundred bucks because I’m the money manager and I know what we have going on as far bills etc. He’s not asking permission just making sure we have it to spare. I decided to buy the new iPhones and told him not to ask how much they were. To me that’s not a major life decision even though they’re ridiculous in price. I ran it past him but he seriously didn’t care.

For me major life decisions are ones that effect us both or the whole family. Buying a vehicle or a house, changing jobs fall into that category. When it comes to that level, no, I would not make that type of decision without him. The only scenario I can think of is if something were life and death and I couldn’t get ahold of him.

 

[wenrob]

We have separate accounts and we don't consult each other on purchases. Something like a house or car of course. I couldn't just go out and buy a house without selling the house we live in first. I don't have several hundred thousand dollars laying around to run out and purchase a house.

I had a friend who would come home regularly to find out her husband had sold all their furniture or their car. Another who’s DH sold their house without telling her.

I just remembered one. For a while, it seemed that every time DH was out of town, I would start a major remodeling project. The first time DH went out of town, when he got back, he discovered that I had removed a wall, making our four bedroom house into a three bedroom. Another time, I removed the wall between the dining room and living room. There were other projects but those were the two biggies.

DH went out of town once and came home to a house that was a different color. Myself and a girlfriend rolled and trimmed the whole exterior in three days. We had talked about painting the house someday. I just went ahead and did it.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I get what you're saying about it being "your" money. However, to me, all the things you mentioned (car, career, school) are decisions that could have an impact on the whole family (having adequate transportation, adjusting family activities around work and school schedules, change in salary, etc).

DH has his own job and own car. My choices don't keep him from doing his thing. I'm not letting anyone hold me back from my life. My husband is my life partner so share experiences and grow with. He is not my life albatross, and he doesn't get a say in how I fulfill my goals, unless it means a mutual bill (like a house) or a major move.

As far as salary changes, as long as I am paying my bills and living within my means, what does it matter to him how much I make?

 

[tzolkin]

DH has his own job and own car. My choices don't keep him from doing his thing. I'm not letting anyone hold me back from my life. My husband is my life partner so share experiences and grow with. He is not my life albatross, and he doesn't get a say in how I fulfill my goals, unless it means a mutual bill (like a house) or a major move.

As far as salary changes, as long as I am paying my bills and living within my means, what does it matter to him how much I make?

In my previous post, I was just mentioning that all of those things (car, career, school) could have an impact on the whole family. Your response is completely dismissive of that. Even if those things have not impacted your family, I would think you could see how it's possible that they could have an impact on someone's family (and therefore should be discussed before one person makes a decision that affects everyone else).

Here are a few examples:
- Both spouses go trade in their vehicles without the other knowing and wind up with two vehicles too small to transport kids plus dogs
- Spouse changes job to a different shift and there's no childcare available during that time
- Spouse decides to go back to school taking evening classes, but the other spouse has a schedule conflict so no one is available to take kids to practices
- Spouse borrows money to start a business, business fails, and there's no income coming in to pay the debts
- Spouse saves absolutely nothing and manages their money poorly. When it comes time for retirement, both have to continue working because they can't cover the bills.


I just find your comments to be very odd and fairly reactive. There's no way I could consider my spouse to be a "partner" and then say things like "I don't care what he thinks", "He doesn't get a say", and "I'm not letting him hold me back".

My husband doesn't "hold me back" or "tell me what to do" about anything, but I still value him enough as a person to listen to his input/perspective and certainly to discuss things with him that could have an impact on our entire family.

 

[mom2rb]

When we were younger, we had a $50 limit to spend without asking. We are much better off financially now. I am in charge off the budget, so DH never asks what I spend. He still abides by the $50 rule, which I find very funny. I would tell him that he could up his limit, but it has been working for 26 years.

 

[indimom]

We discuss any major life event or purchase.
When I decided to go back to school and change my career, I discussed it with my husband first. Not because I expected him to say no; but, because there would be a lot of logistics involved in leaving my current career and income, to completely upset our family routine to take courses, requiring another car and a complete rebalance of our family finances, etc., so that I could pursue my own career dreams. To me, it would be completely rude not to consider his needs/feelings/concerns/wishes when I'm making such a major change within our family.
Changes like that don't just affect me. He was going to have to take on more than his share of everything in our home for me to meet my goals: childcare, housekeeping, transportation, financing our lifestyle.
If he had asked me to wait a year, I would have. If he had any serious concerns, I would have listened, and we would have worked it out together.

Even simpler things like changing work shifts were discussed between us. Again, not necessarily because we needed permission, but because we want to consider the needs of everyone in the family before we make a big change.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

In my previous post, I was just mentioning that all of those things (car, career, school) could have an impact on the whole family. Your response is completely dismissive of that. Even if those things have not impacted your family, I would think you could see how it's possible that they could have an impact on someone's family (and therefore should be discussed before one person makes a decision that affects everyone else).

Here are a few examples:
- Both spouses go trade in their vehicles without the other knowing and wind up with two vehicles too small to transport kids plus dogs
- Spouse changes job to a different shift and there's no childcare available during that time
- Spouse decides to go back to school taking evening classes, but the other spouse has a schedule conflict so no one is available to take kids to practices
- Spouse borrows money to start a business, business fails, and there's no income coming in to pay the debts
- Spouse saves absolutely nothing and manages their money poorly. When it comes time for retirement, both have to continue working because they can't cover the bills.


I just find your comments to be very odd and fairly reactive. There's no way I could consider my spouse to be a "partner" and then say things like "I don't care what he thinks", "He doesn't get a say", and "I'm not letting him hold me back".

My husband doesn't "hold me back" or "tell me what to do" about anything, but I still value him enough as a person to listen to his input/perspective and certainly to discuss things with him that could have an impact on our entire family.

I find it odd and antiquated that I would be expected to discuss/ come to an agreement on things like my car and career with him. I expect a grown adult to go into decisions like that knowing that they'll have to be sure they can afford it/transport what they need to/ pay their bills/follow through on commitments. I expect adults to be able to handle themselves. I don't need DH to carry me and he doesn't need me to carry him.

 

[LSUmiss]

I see some folks consult with SO over purchases over $100, which I understand. But I'd be calling my husband every other time I was in the grocery store if that was the case!

For us, it would be more like a single item or unexpected purchases over $100. If it’s an expected expense like grocery or car or house maintenance or something like that we don’t.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I find it odd and antiquated that I would be expected to discuss/ come to an agreement on things like my car and career with him. I expect a grown adult to go into decisions like that knowing that they'll have to be sure they can afford it/transport what they need to/ pay their bills/follow through on commitments. I expect adults to be able to handle themselves. I don't need DH to carry me and he doesn't need me to carry him.

I think I understand where you are coming from. I’m also very independent and have, on more than one occasion, woken my husband up to tell him that I have booked a vacation, signed up for a Masters degree, and other similar “large” life events. On the other hand, he picked our first house, as he was in the area and I wasn’t.

None of my impetuous ideas are done behind his back, which I think is a good way to cause serious marital problems. Rather, because we have similar values and a joint goal and vision for our family, we both have the same parameters within which we are working. We both know how much money we have, and because we communicate, we would likely have already had vague conversations about whether we ever imagined getting more pets, or the fact that the car was making a funny noise, or that I hated my job. So, in crude terms, we know what we could get away with doing on our own, and what would cross the line for the other spouse.

I do take the lead with a lot of the home and life admin too, so I have presented him with various legal documents to sign. I doubt he has read them, but since I wrote them, at least I’m confident in what they say!

 

[tvguy]

I see some folks consult with SO over purchases over $100, which I understand. But I'd be calling my husband every other time I was in the grocery store if that was the case!

Not a problem since we grocery shop together.

 

[Skellingtonj]

A friend got "neutered" without telling his wife. He wanted to have an affair without "consequences." The wife was very fertile, and when she couldn't get pregnant again, the husband told her why. Yes, they got divorced.

What!

 

[cruiser21]

Not a problem since we grocery shop together.

If I take my husband grocery shopping I’m guaranteed to spend at least 50 dollars more then I planned.