Have you ever made a life decision without telling your partner?

[dish rag]

I could not imagine one buying a house with the other not knowing. With us, I don't buy much. Never have. Not much that I want. My wife would not care if I did. She likes when I do since I don't that often. She buys what she wants, sometimes runs it by me, other times she waits to see if I notice. The last few months she's bought over $30,000 in jewelry. Some she mentioned some not. I would never tell her what not to buy. I have talked her out of some stupid investment ideas, that type of thing she would always run by me.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

A friend got "neutered" without telling his wife. He wanted to have an affair without "consequences." The wife was very fertile, and when she couldn't get pregnant again, the husband told her why. Yes, they got divorced.

It's a good thing she got away from that genius. I hope she escaped in time. It amazes me that there are still people who think getting someone pregnant could be the worst thing they could end up with, if that's the only thing they're worried about preventing.

 

[Micca]

DW bought a house that I didn't see until a few days prior to moving in, but we were relocating and we talked about it on the phone (this is pre-computer/send pics on your phone.) We wouldn't make any big decisions without talking about it.

 

[BLAZEY]

I find it odd and antiquated that I would be expected to discuss/ come to an agreement on things like my car and career with him. I expect a grown adult to go into decisions like that knowing that they'll have to be sure they can afford it/transport what they need to/ pay their bills/follow through on commitments. I expect adults to be able to handle themselves. I don't need DH to carry me and he doesn't need me to carry him.

We have his, hers and ours accounts. Ours is for all the household/living expenses. Our general savings and retirement/ pensions are taken out of our pay cheques before the ever hit the bank accounts. Whatever is left over in the his or hers accounts are for each of us to decide to do with what we please. He may consult me if he put something on the credit card. Usually is more of here's $xxx to cover the purchase I made.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

No.

I control the finances. I head the household. If I did not discuss with him how our money was being used it would be an irredeemable betrayal.

He can't possibly spend money or make life changes without me knowing it. He just doesn't have the online password abilities.

 

[easyas123]

If I take my husband grocery shopping I’m guaranteed to spend at least 50 dollars more then I planned.

Haha I know what you mean!

 

[usnuzuloose]

Not a life decision. I have been open an honest about what I do. He has

 

[Skellingtonj]

Yes and no. We love our lives. I don’t run everything by him. Or does he run everything by me.

 

[tzolkin]

Rather, because we have similar values and a joint goal and vision for our family, we both have the same parameters within which we are working. We both know how much money we have, and because we communicate, we would likely have already had vague conversations about whether we ever imagined getting more pets, or the fact that the car was making a funny noise, or that I hated my job. So, in crude terms, we know what we could get away with doing on our own, and what would cross the line for the other spouse.

See, I totally get this type of explanation. And this is actually similar to how DH and I operate. We even have regular "meetings" to discuss our goals and long-term plans and how our finances fit into these, so I would be confident that whatever decisions either of us made on our own would fall within our "family vision". (Heck, DH sent me 1000 miles away to check out areas and decide where our family should move because he knew that we were both on the same page.)

My issue with that poster was the "I don't care what he thinks, I'm going to do whatever I want" attitude. I really cannot imagine a couple could have the type of shared-vision relationship that you describe and then say things like "He doesn't get a say... what does it matter to him... he's not going to hold me back... etc"

 

[Poohforyou]

I've accepted jobs without consulting my husband. Nothing that would involve relocation or major adjustments to our finances, routine, etc. Something like that I feel is my career and doesn't necessarily warrant a big conversation.

 

[tvguy]

If I take my husband grocery shopping I’m guaranteed to spend at least 50 dollars more then I planned.

LOL. If I sent my wife alone she would spend $50 more.
Last week she thought the farmed Norwegian Atlantic Salmon was a good deal....and it was, but the wild Coho Salmon was $4 a pound cheaper. She just doesn't notice those things.

 

[AustinTink]

My husband buys cars without consulting me. It doesn't bother me. I do too many things to list without consulting him. We trust each other, so it works.

 

[2goofycampers]

No, we wouldn't be true partners if either one of us make life decisions without the other one.

 

[Nancyg56]

I find it odd and antiquated that I would be expected to discuss/ come to an agreement on things like my car and career with him. I expect a grown adult to go into decisions like that knowing that they'll have to be sure they can afford it/transport what they need to/ pay their bills/follow through on commitments. I expect adults to be able to handle themselves. I don't need DH to carry me and he doesn't need me to carry him.

I don't look at discussions with my husband as asking permission. When I went back to school I discussed that decision with him because I honestly wanted to know his feelings. WHen I took a job while I was in school I discussed it with him, not for his blessing but to know how he felt about that change in our life.

WE discuss vehicle purchases as well, mostly becuase once I get attached to mine, I won't give it up, and when it is finally necessary, we have to find one he can fit into, and that I can still drive without hitting the posts in every drive thru.

I guess for us, the discussions are more of courtesy for each other, and how each decision will affect the other, rather than begging permission to do or buy something.

 

[gillep]

I don't look at discussions with my husband as asking permission. When I went back to school I discussed that decision with him because I honestly wanted to know his feelings. WHen I took a job while I was in school I discussed it with him, not for his blessing but to know how he felt about that change in our life.

WE discuss vehicle purchases as well, mostly becuase once I get attached to mine, I won't give it up, and when it is finally necessary, we have to find one he can fit into, and that I can still drive without hitting the posts in every drive thru.

I guess for us, the discussions are more of courtesy for each other, and how each decision will affect the other, rather than begging permission to do or buy something.

This is how it works for us too. Also, the discussion may not happen at the same time as the actual action for us. For instance, my car is over 10 years old, I love it and it still works well, but I am aware that in the next year or so I may need a new car as I am not willing to pour much more money into this one. My husband is aware of this and we have had many discussions regarding it, and even test drove cars a little bit ago when mine was in the shop and we were waiting to see how much it would cost. I would have no issue purchasing a new car at this point without consulting him in the moment. We have discussed costs, so that isn't a concern, and we are both in agreement about models that would work for us and we feel are good and reliable.

A lot of the examples given of things that one shouldn't do alone as they could impact the family seem a bit odd to me to worry about in the moment as these are things that my husband and I are constantly discussing, we know how the other feels and I am confident that if either of us decided to do something on our own it would be in line with our previous discussions, values, and goals.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

See, I totally get this type of explanation. And this is actually similar to how DH and I operate. We even have regular "meetings" to discuss our goals and long-term plans and how our finances fit into these, so I would be confident that whatever decisions either of us made on our own would fall within our "family vision". (Heck, DH sent me 1000 miles away to check out areas and decide where our family should move because he knew that we were both on the same page.)

My issue with that poster was the "I don't care what he thinks, I'm going to do whatever I want" attitude. I really cannot imagine a couple could have the type of shared-vision relationship that you describe and then say things like "He doesn't get a say... what does it matter to him... he's not going to hold me back... etc"

I do understand that the language was quite confronting, and it’s not how I would have phrased it. I think that (the bolded) is the crux for me. I can’t imagine my husband ever saying no to something that I wanted to do with my life, because he knows what’s important to me. So I guess, if I really wanted to do something in my career (eg the aforementioned Masters degree) and he said “no”, I probably would have the same attitude as the OP that it’s not his career and he doesn’t get a say. However, I honestly cannot imagine it coming to that, and if we did have a situation like that, it would be such a shift in our relationship that it would be a symptom of a much bigger problem (again, stressing the fact that I’m only talking about my relationship, not anyone else’s).

When I got married 18 years ago, I was on a wedding forum and the discussion of “obey” was raised frequently. I was one who would never have “obeyed” (though obeying is not a part of the vows in the Church of Scotland, so I didn’t have an option). However, I remember someone saying that she was happy to vow to obey, because she trusted her then-fiancé to only ever ask her to do something that was in their shared interest. I think that can be a risky mentality as it leaves you open to abuse, but there is an analogy to this discussion: to me, in a healthy, functioning relationship, neither party to going to make a major life decision or act in a waythat is in opposition to the shared goals and values. So the logistics of whether you discuss the specifics beforehand, only shop together, or just have certain unwritten boundaries that you don’t cross, are all up to the couple in question.

 

[DisneyHardin]

DH and I discuss any big purchases. Not that either of us would ever tell the other one "no" to something they really wanted, but we do talk about it to maybe say "wait one more payday before you buy it" or whatever.

My Father in Law is a different story - he is the BOSS of that household. Right when DH and I first started dating before I really knew his parents that well, he told me that his mom's car had been making a noise and so his dad took it to the shop while she was at work - the mechanic told them it was going to be an expensive fix so he went and bought her a different car - she got no say whatsoever in this. I was just flabbergasted - I didn't realize that there were couples still out there that were that "old school" that the husband made all the decisions. Since then I found out that he did the same thing when he bought their house. They had their farm under contract and one day while my MIL was at work, FIL met with a realtor and bought a new house in town!!!!

 

[Imzadi]

Not me, but years ago, a friend was going thought a career crisis, as she gave up a career that wasn't working for her and didn't know what she wanted to do next. She didn't have the money to go for a masters degree. The only positive in her life at that time was that she was recently engaged. Then Sept 11th happened. Several days after, her fiance, without consulting her, enlisted in the military. (This had never remotely been a thought in his mind before Sept 11th.) He was going to be across the country at boot camp and wanted her to go with him, they get married right away, as she wouldn't be able to eventually live on base with him unless they were married.

She was majorly upset. First by not consulting her, but also by such sudden decisions she'd be forced to make if she stayed with him. And she'd be alone much of the time as he'd be away in training and then quickly deployed. On the one hand, she admired and respected how deeply he wanted to serve and do something for our country, in the aftermath of 9/11. But, the fact that he didn't even discuss it with her, really bothered her. But, she went with him.

They were married for more than a decade before finally divorcing. Turns out he loves the military and is a career military man, well beyond the 4 year contract he originally signed up for. And it worked out for her, too. Because he was in the military, she learned the military would pay for her schooling if she joined the military too. She joined a different branch of the military, then the reserves. She was then able to go to law school and has become a lawyer, working at a good firm. She won some important cases locally.

 

[Nancyg56]

I do understand that the language was quite confronting, and it’s not how I would have phrased it. I think that (the bolded) is the crux for me. I can’t imagine my husband ever saying no to something that I wanted to do with my life, because he knows what’s important to me. So I guess, if I really wanted to do something in my career (eg the aforementioned Masters degree) and he said “no”, I probably would have the same attitude as the OP that it’s not his career and he doesn’t get a say. However, I honestly cannot imagine it coming to that, and if we did have a situation like that, it would be such a shift in our relationship that it would be a symptom of a much bigger problem (again, stressing the fact that I’m only talking about my relationship, not anyone else’s).

When I got married 18 years ago, I was on a wedding forum and the discussion of “obey” was raised frequently. I was one who would never have “obeyed” (though obeying is not a part of the vows in the Church of Scotland, so I didn’t have an option). However, I remember someone saying that she was happy to vow to obey, because she trusted her then-fiancé to only ever ask her to do something that was in their shared interest. I think that can be a risky mentality as it leaves you open to abuse, but there is an analogy to this discussion: to me, in a healthy, functioning relationship, neither party to going to make a major life decision or act in a waythat is in opposition to the shared goals and values. So the logistics of whether you discuss the specifics beforehand, only shop together, or just have certain unwritten boundaries that you don’t cross, are all up to the couple in question.

There is a level of trust involved though, and while I understand that one should never enter into a marraige without that trust, I also believe that it needs to build as the years pass. For instance, when DH and I married, I knew I trusted him, however even though we had spent years together prior to our marraige, we were still growing, and needed to continue to learn to grow individually as our children left our nest. For us, that meant dealing with the changes I was facing moreso than him, but he was learning to adjust to my needs and wants. As much as I knew he woudl support me in any decision I made, I could never have removed him from the discussion, because he was the other half of my whole heart.

As he approached a turning point in his life, Retirement, he was faced with several financial decisions regarding how he planned to take his pension. Oh the "guys" had plenty of advice, most of which was appalling to the accountant in me, but I listened. We went to several meetings with the pension specialist, and I had decided what to choose, but he was still leaning towards the "guys" advice. At that point I felt we were at a crossroad, and decided that rather than try to convince this man that I was right, I could trust my huband to make a decision that was not just in his best interest, but one that considered me in the unspeakable event that something happened to him. I knew that I would need to sign off on whatever decsion that was made, but I never said that out loud. You see, I knew that no matter what DH said, he was never going to do anything that had any potential harm to me, and he did not. In the fist few years of our marraige, we were still building that foundation of trust, and I think I would bhave been more verbal. Rather than just laying out the financials, and then trusting, I would have have plenty of words tossed in there as well.

DH and I discuss any big purchases. Not that either of us would ever tell the other one "no" to something they really wanted, but we do talk about it to maybe say "wait one more payday before you buy it" or whatever.

My Father in Law is a different story - he is the BOSS of that household. Right when DH and I first started dating before I really knew his parents that well, he told me that his mom's car had been making a noise and so his dad took it to the shop while she was at work - the mechanic told them it was going to be an expensive fix so he went and bought her a different car - she got no say whatsoever in this. I was just flabbergasted - I didn't realize that there were couples still out there that were that "old school" that the husband made all the decisions. Since then I found out that he did the same thing when he bought their house. They had their farm under contract and one day while my MIL was at work, FIL met with a realtor and bought a new house in town!!!!

I work with a few of those women. I am 62 and would never be in that situation, let alone stay in it. One is a young mother who had accepted a job, but had to then renege because she did not ask her husband. He told her to quit, and next time she was to discuss it with him. They have two daughters, and I am shocked that they are teaching their girls that all decisions go through the male in teh household.

The other is just a mess. Her DH has removed her voice from any decisons within the home, and she has stopped complaining to us because at some point there is just no kind way to say " I just do not know what to say" to this woman. She does not participate in any decisionmakeing, from meal planning to major purchases, she is just the end user. SHe says he is "old school" but as a woman who is married to the man whose entire life would be complete if his wife was June Cleaver in jeans and sneakers, and a macaroni necklace one of the girls made, she gets no pass from me.

This old school thing is not a thing. It is the excuse bully's use to get their way.

 

[kimblebee]

To be honest, yes. I run the household and every decision goes through me. If I want to buy something substantial I will do the research and find what I want. Then, I’ll tell my husband about it and ask if that’s ok. He can say no but he knows I usually am right so he goes along with it. He has too much going on so he has no problem with me running things.

It might not work for everyone, but it works for us and makes life run smoothly..for the most part lol