Grrr, Seriously?!!!

[mattmommy]

Tell them somebody surprised you with a day with tour or something.

Or that you want to get some good family time in and you'll visit when the baby's born.

You have a spouse in the military. You are entitled to have a little "our" time if you want.

Send a nice gift with an apology.

 

[CindyIsMyFave]

I didn't read all the posts, but first I'd like to say thank you to your husband for his service and you and your kids for your sacrifice.

I absolutely would decline. I might do it with a little white lie - I liked the suggestion of non refundable plans (dinner show or tour you can't cancel).

(I also have to add that my party planning sensibilities are truly having a problem with getting some kind of verbal shower invite through your DH - why didn't written invites go out 4-6 weeks ago? But I digress . . .)

Unless your DH is dying to go b/c it will be his only chance to see other family members before he deploys again, I wouldn't do it. (And, if my brother was deploying, I'd make a special trip to see him, not demand he come to me when he's having his first real vacation in 17 years!)

Good luck to you - I hope you have a grand time whatever you decide!

 

[angryduck71]

I'm happy to say what I would do in this situation - no idea if this works for you or not. This is an easy one for me. I wouldn't subject anyone to how my children (and I) would behave if I were at a BABY SHOWER instead of Walt-Freaking-Disney-World! My sullen attitude alone would surely wreck the event. i'd send a nice gift with my regrets and move on with my vacation. Sorry, I just don't rank baby showers that high on the list of important family life events to attend. An actual baby? Yes. Show me the baby and I'll drop what I'm doing in a heartbeat. Love me some babies. A formal ceremony to give presents? Nah.

I'm giggling. Love this.

 

[k5thbeatle]

You could show up at the shower with the whole family ready and dressed to head to the park, make an appearance, give a gift and say sorry that you can't stay long, you have an appointment to see a mouse!
Good luck and enjoy your "family" vacation!
Safe Travels!

Michelle

I'd vote for this one. You're making the appearance which should keep family happy and yet making it known that you're not planning all day with them.

 

[LisaTC]

Okay, I'll be the bad one. I will tell you it's okay not to go. You had previous plans. Send a nice gift and a note. Make your apologies. Then go on about your life. I understand the sentiment that family is family, however, YOUR family (the people you live with every day) wants/needs this time together. And so I think you should have it. If he's looking at a deployment soon, I think you guys should do whatever you need to do to make it okay for yourselves. I openly admit that I wouldn't be giving up DH/kids time to go to a baby shower for family members that I have only met once or twice. Especially since the DH/kids time will be in such short supply very soon. I have told people this on numerous occasions: There is such a thing as HEALTHY selfishness. I think this counts as one of those times. Have a good trip!

I agree with Jerseyguy's Wife. It's more than a wee bit presumptuous for them to plan something only under the circumstance that you'd be in a 150 mile radius. Who does that without a conversation?? Go to her registry, send her a gift and a card with an explanation to her regarding your DH's deployment and your "special" trip. If anybody can't understand that, phooey on them. I don't buy into the family is family scenario when it only works one way! It's one thing if you were ultra close, but that isn't the case. Never ever feel guilty about something you do/plan with your own family. You'll never be 85 years old and thinking, geesh, I really should've gone to that baby shower for "what was her name again?"

 

[GinnyEmma]

Really? I've seen many people have regrets on their deathbed over the loss of relationships with their extended family. I've seen many people of my generation wish they knew the members of their extended family. And companies make lots of money on sites that help track down their family and their family tree.

 

[fadingjamie]

Ugh. I would have to politely decline the invitation. Can you tell them you have non-refundable plans that day such as the luau or something similar?

Since it is your DH's family then it is ultimately up to him to communicate with them that you won't be going. If he thinks you should go though, good luck with that!

I would send your baby gifts in advance so they get the point that way as well that you will not be at the shower.

I know "family is family" but they should have consulted you before planning the baby shower around your visit.

Agree. Agree. Agree.

If family is family, they should have not just assumed you would come by in the middle of your trip. It goes both ways.

That being said, I think I might pop by for an hour, give the gift and well wishes, and be on your way. You'll have only 2 hours cut out of your day from the parks. Hopefully they will be satisfied by you showing up but you will also get your way too.

 

[Miaka]

I hope you have a great trip. I had something very similar happen to me. I had an event planned that had been on the calendar for a whole year, and my first cousin's wedding ended up being planned for the same day. I asked my mom what she thought I should do, she told me blood is thicker then water, I had attended the shower, to have fun with my event. This same cousin and her parents had declined my invitation to my wedding because it was not being held in their denomination of church so they would not attend. My mom felt I did not even need to attend her shower, so I was the better person because I had not held her slight against me, against her. So to enjoy the plans I had with my husband and friends. My other cousin was told the same thing, blood is thicker then water, and he had to attend. Lol.
Anywyas, point of long winded story, I am validating your decision, your family needs this time, it is hard with a parent away so a long time. I have seen it first hand with my brother during two tours, one in Bosnia and one in Iraq. Enjoy your trip, and bring a gift when you visit in July.

 

[GinnyEmma]

And you wouldn't have wanted to see your brother?

 

[sissy_ib]

I didn't read any of the responses yet. I would be VERY upset. Did they not send you an invitation? My guess is no since you just found out. I would not go. Send a gift and a card and say you are sorry you can not attend. Yes family is important but you wont even be spending anytime with them. It will be a group of people you don't even know with just a few words exchanged with the girl.
I get very little time with my DF so I know how it feels when family tries to intrude on that time.

 

[Miaka]

And you wouldn't have wanted to see your brother?

Well my story wasn't relevant to my brother, it was my cousin's wedding not him. The relevance of my brother is that I am aware of what long tours can do to a family, and needing time for an immediate family is important before and after a deployment.
That being said if my whole message had been read and not cherry picked for the point you wanted to make it would have been obvious.

Now, my brother has come to visit when I already have plans and I have missed him. He lives halfway across the country, I'll catch him next time he is here. If you wanted to nit pick on that, that is where I stand.

And now I am going to apologize to the original poster, don't want to be a thread hijacker. Have a wonderful trip!!!

 

[lroger01]

...It is ALWAYS assumed that we should visit. Why is that? Is it because we are the ones that moved away?

We have a rule in our family:

If you move away, those that stayed home are not obligated to come visit you. That doesn't mean we won't, it's just WE'RE not responsble for visits the person/family that moves away is.

While that sounds a little harsh, it helps set expectations. The move awayer's can't complain "You never come out to visit" because they were warned in advance. When you move away the responsiblity of seeing the family you left falls on your shoulders.

Anyway, it works for us.

 

[The_Darkside]

Good choice, don't go. Like I meant to post earlier ...if DH wants to go then you are stuck, but otherwise definitely don't go if you feel that strongly about it.

 

[lllGurulll]

3 hours away? I know I wouldn't do it. Of course, in my case, I don't rent a car when I come to the world so that makes the decision easy for me.

 

[chicagoshannon]

Honestly it seems like they're just trying to monopolize your time and maybe were a little offended you hadn't mentioned that you hadn't planned to see them while you were in the area. It CAN'T be because you were going to be there. You alerady had plans to see them again in July. Baby isn't due until September. They could have planned a baby shower for July.

I don't know a single person who plans a baby shower for only 1 week before the shower unless it was an adoption situation and the parent got called saying they were getting a baby that soon. Just seems so odd to me.

I'm glad you decided not to go. I hope you enjoy your trip!

 

[d1gitman]

No brainer here...no go. They spring this on you last minute? that's rude. Besides, YOUR family comes first.

I would let them know that while you appreciate the invite, you will not be able to attend as you have plans already made. Let them know that it is unfortunate they did not let you know sooner otherwise you could have possibly worked it in.

I think of family vaca like this...we go for 1 or 2 weeks a year on family vaca....the other 50- 51 weeks are consumed with work, birthdays, weddings, funerals, showers, anniversaries, and on and on and on....

there is NOTHING wrong with your own family keeping vacation time to itself. If you go, then you are upset. If you don't go, then they are upset. Either way someone gets a bent nose...who's nose do you want bent?

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

We have a rule in our family:

If you move away, those that stayed home are not obligated to come visit you. That doesn't mean we won't, it's just WE'RE not responsble for visits the person/family that moves away is.

While that sounds a little harsh, it helps set expectations. The move awayer's can't complain "You never come out to visit" because they were warned in advance. When you move away the responsiblity of seeing the family you left falls on your shoulders.

Anyway, it works for us.

Wow, for realsies? When you are in the military you don't get much say about where they send you. It's not like they moved away to become international super models. They are serving their country.

 

[d1gitman]

...I absolutely would decline. I might do it with a little white lie...

i disagree...

first, on my high horse...it is never good to lie
second, it's not necessary. i see people every day get themselves in trouble by thinking they owe explanations, truthful or not. why would they be owed an explanation?

very simple. thanks for the invite, we are very sorry but we cannot make it. we already have plans made. that's it, end of discussion. explaining why puts one on the defensive and opens the door for debate when there is nothing to debate.

 

[Lillian Gracey]

I would say no as well. I was in a similar situation. I had asked my gramma to come with me to Disney World the day after she found out about my cousin getting engaged (she had only been dating the guy for 2 months and I had found out the day after I asked her) and because her family moves fast, (they get engaged, have a shower then a wedding in less than a year) I was expecting the wedding shower to be around the time I would be going to Disney World. Now, I'm not close with this family at all and they don't go out of their way to see any of our special events (graduations, etc.) and we hardly ever talk or see each other. I was worried I would have to cancel since I had been planing this trip for the last year, but luckily they planned it for July (I'm still not going, but it's for an entirely different reason) and not May. I would have declined though.

If she thinks she can just assume you will go without even asking you, then that's just rude and selfish of her. She isn't considering your feelings. You want time with your family alone. Just tell her that you are sorry, but you want to spend time with your own family. Good luck!

 

[maiapapaya]

I'd have to say I'm in the "no" camp. It was wrong to plan the timing of the shower around you without consulting you (that's pretty presumptuous on the relative's part) and then to spring it on you at the last minute (a week before the trip) is very inconsiderate. I agree with the other posters who question why you got a last minute verbal invite, but are then expected to change your (expensive) vacation plans to attend. Maybe if you were really close to the guest of honour, but if you've only met her once before I don't undertstand why there would be a big expectation for you to be there. This is meant to be a family vacation for some quality time before your DH is transferred out for the year.