Funeral- would this upset you?

[Kathi OD]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

NO more toddler-like than expecting others to live their lives by your rules. "if you don't do it my way, then I'm not playing."

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

So volunteering to get a ticket from Disney is not self fulfilling? Should the volunteering be the right thing to do and not claim the ticket for yourself?

OMGosh! How selfish can you get? Sounds like my toddler, wanting something for "volunteering." She spent a whole hour to save that $500!

 

[mumom95]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

You know what, there's a good chance that he did what his grandfather wanted him to do also, which was do what is easiest for him.

I hope when my time on earth comes to an end the people that want to come to my funeral come and the people that don't want to come/can't come, deal with it the way that is best for them.

The absolute last thing I would want would be my family members judging other family members on their decisions.

 

[Goldenbear6]

OH NOOOOOOOO! while I was reading all of these post, someone I know died, and I missed the funeral. Does this mean I won't get into heaven?...

 

[MUFFYCAT]

My DH's grandfather passed away this weekend. He has been having some pretty serious health issues and he took a turn for the worse last week and passed very late on Friday night. Most of the immediate family is local. There is a grandchild that drove her family in from Maine, another that came in from NY, and BIL who drove up from Virginia. This is a pretty close family, we see each other all the time.

So the viewing was last night and the funeral/mass is today. Last night at the viewing BIL is not there. Turns out he drove back to Virginia on Sunday. He didn't want to miss any more work for the funeral (he is a high school gym teacher...he left Friday afternoon around lunch time so he only missed 1 afternoon of school). MIL also said he was really upset that he missed Valentines Day with his wife. I couldn't believe that they were making excuses for him! Many relatives were inquiring where he was. Would this bother anyone else? My DH is really mad about this...but obviously won't say anything. I am missing work and since I am a temp I won't get paid for the day but it never even crossed my mind not to go to the funeral. This is his GRANDFATHER!

So, what do you think?

Was he suppose to stay for the week and hold everyone's hand?
I think it was very nice if him to come for the weekend and show his respect.
I don't see how staying longer is neccessary.

I think it's worse that so many of you are talking about him like he did nothing. That shows no respect!!

 

[bumbershoot]

No, it wouldn't bother me.

I didn't go to either grandmother's funeral. Dad's mom, ugh, not a nice woman. And no one told me in any sort of time, even if I had the money. My mom and the ex wives of 2 of my dad's brothers all sent a big bouquet, which was nice of them, and they didn't have to do it, because she was EVIL to them (especially my mom)...they signed it "the ex wives club", and no one read that inscription b/c no one commented on it afterwards.

My beloved grandma, I just had no money and was either pregnant or had a new baby and couldn't make it, and I'm actually not sure my aunt had a funeral for her.

No one felt it was a big deal for either one of them, and thank goodness!

I think it is an extremely personal decision and should not be judged by family members who may be looking for something wrong..................

Yep.

I think when someone dies, it is easy to replace grief with another emotion such as anger. It kind of takes your mind off of what is really going on. My sympathy to you and your family.

Yep. Sounds like this is what FIL is doing, and he's transferring that onto other people.

It's only adding stress because your MIL/FIL are adding stress over it. The BIL is not inherently "adding stress" to the situation. His parents are.

Yep.

He had NO IDEA that many people do not celebrate Valentines Day or do not go all out for it (I did get a card from DH, but understandably it was the last thing on his mind this weekend).

So HE cannot understand that OTHERS do not do a certain thing.

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

And YOU cannot understand that OTHERS do not do a certain thing.

Obviously, his family was NOT "raised" to go to funerals, or he would have gone. Your DH got something that his brother did not, out of growing up in the family. And that's OK, it's common. My mom thought she had "raised us to" not do a certain thing for a certain reason...she had never said it out loud until she was saying she had raised us etc etc...but she sure THOUGHT she had! Families are weird things...

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work. She doesn't qualify for anything at this point so she didn't have much of a choice. That is the distinction.

You know WAY too much about his personal days, and I don't know where you're getting it from, but if I were you, I'd decide that this might not be the truth, and just stop thinking about it.

Honey, you don't have to get it, you just have to respect your BIL for what he chose to do...for whatever reasons he has that is what he chose..and if family is as important as you say than you can and should respect him for making the chose that he feels was the best for him and his family...Just as you would want him to do the same for you and your family for the choice you made to be there...

Agreed.

Not at all, what I was trying to say is we all have to do things we don't want to do.

Not really.

You call it "respect" to give up what you want to do, and your own responsibilities to go "be there" "for" family members.

I call it respect to let others decide what is right for them, especially if they have shown kindness, loving, and caring for the deceased while they were still alive.

I don't want someone forcing themselves to be at a funeral, giving comfort to others when they don't feel it. I don't like fake emotions! That's not respect, that's falsehood and lies.


My husband and his brother, as of last November, have decided that they will NOT be attending any more of the gatherings their mother holds for their father. DH and BIL have grieved, and continue to grieve, in the way that works for THEM. MIL and SIL are full of lies about FIL, and they still go off the deep end, practically rending their clothing at these events, wailing and going ON about how fabulous FIL is...and FIL wasn't fabulous at all.

Let's put it this way. At FIL's Buddhist memorial service, where we were FORCED on pain of MIL's wrath to be, DH and BIL stood in the back, wondering if the cockroach FIL had no doubt reincarnated as had already been squished.

Do you REALLY want someone who doesn't want to be at a funeral/memorial to be there?????

That's not respect, it's just lies.

 

[disykat]

You know WAY too much about his personal days, and I don't know where you're getting it from, but if I were you, I'd decide that this might not be the truth, and just stop thinking about it.

I agree with this. I've never heard of teachers being ALLOWED to acrue 8 days of personal leave. It certainly can't be done around here.

 

[DizBelle]

Puffkin, I agree with you completely.

I think it is disgusting when family members don't go to funerals. I don't care if you don't "like" funerals... if you don't want to take a day off of work... or if you live far away.

It isn't all about you. Your presence is likely comforting to someone else, so be there. It's one day out of your life.

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

I found it!!! I found it!!! The center of the universe is VillageMama!!!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I found it!!! I found it!!! The center of the universe is VillageMama!!!

Not her brother?

 

[Teacher03]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

Attending a family member's funeral does not prove that you are more family oriented than someone who doesn't. You asked if the situation would be upsetting and most have said no, and because of that you are flabbergasted? I think you are being insulting to many on this board without meaning to, but don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer.

 

[TwingleMum]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

WOW!!! Who are you the bereavement Police?? Because people here don't agree with you their wrong??? A little over inflated sense of self. People here have wonderful close families that don't need to be defined by a time clock. You don't get to be judge & jury. Your BIL drove home and spent time with his family. It sounds like you need to look into your own heart. If you are a loving and supportive family member you understand that different people react differently. It doesn't mean he loved the Grandfather less. If you are a spiritual person you understand HE IS NOT THERE. He is in spirit all around you. And you can pray for and love him any where.

You also sound jealous that BIL loves his wife and misses her and wants to do more than a card on Valentines Day. I'm sorry for your families loss but pettiness helps no one so put on your big girl pants and let people grieve in their own way.

 

[bookgirl]

No this would not upset me. He came for the time he could. I have had to leave early, I've even had to skip some funerals.

Grandparents are not included in my berevment leave. Nor were they when I taught in a public school. It's usually spouse/child/parent/sibling. Extended family has to be under annual leave and he might not have any since teachers generally only get 2 or 3 days per school year of personal leave.

If the family is offended then so be it, but it's not thier life and it seems like it's only a few who were upset.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wouldn't upset me, but that's probably because if I died, I wouldn't want everyone making a big issue out of it, I wouldn't want my nieces & nephews (with whom I am very close since DH & I never had children of our own) to have to spend their money and come from all over the country...I'd prefer that they remember as they knew me, remember the fun & love we shared and spend the money they would have spent travelling to my funeral on something important or fun for themselves.

But that's kind of how I roll...

 

[Missy1961]

Wouldn't upset me, but that's probably because if I died, I wouldn't want everyone making a big issue out of it, I wouldn't want my nieces & nephews (with whom I am very close since DH & I never had children of our own) to have to spend their money and come from all over the country...I'd prefer that they remember as they knew me, remember the fun & love we shared and spend the money they would have spent travelling to my funeral on something important or fun for themselves.

But that's kind of how I roll...

Exactly my thoughts.

I don't think any of us can judge how others grieve.

 

[lillygator]

You also sound jealous that BIL loves his wife and misses her and wants to do more than a card on Valentines Day. I'm sorry for your families loss but pettiness helps no one so put on your big girl pants and let people grieve in their own way.

I think this is what I was getting at a post earlier...she commented about that - struck me as odd.

Also, has op been back? She did post that she had 7 or 10 or some wild amount of funerals this year, just wanted to check and make sure she was sure to be at each and every one.

 

[Duckyiam71]

This is a decision your BIL made whether it is right or wrong is only for him to decide. I can tell you from personal experience I made a decision when my grandmother died and I missed her viewing. I was there for the funeral and the services at the graveside. Now years later and older, I personally regret that decision. But at the time, I thought it was ok. That was 11 years ago and I remember the dissappoint from my mother just like it was yesterday. My point is it his decision and he has to live with it, right or wrong, dont judge him.

 

[puffkin]

I think this is what I was getting at a post earlier...she commented about that - struck me as odd.

Also, has op been back? She did post that she had 7 or 10 or some wild amount of funerals this year, just wanted to check and make sure she was sure to be at each and every one.

Yes, I am back. It was an incredibly long and difficult day and I stand by my opinion that he should have been there. IT would have meant the world to his grandmother, his father, his brother, and his sister. I agree, he will have to live with that decision.

And since you seem to care so much , yes we have had as you say, a wild amount of funerals since November. BTW I think that is incredibly rude of you to attack someone with that as this has been an incredibly difficult past 3 months.....but anyway since you asked.....
My great Uncle- went to funeral
My dad's cousin- went to hospital, went to viewing (2.5 hours away)
My aunt's FIL (like a grandparent)- no service....memorial service will be in the spring
My dad's close friend- went to viewing, I did not know him well but went out of respect for my dad
My godmother's dad (like a grandparent)- went to funeral
My great Uncle- did not attend...funeral was today at same time
DH's grandfather- obviously attended all services

 

[Amy&Dan]

I haven't read all the replies but it sounds like its been getting heated.

First of all, I am very sorry about your loss. Times like this always bring out a lot of emotions.

I think its something he may regret later on, I mean if the family is close and he could at all handle it, imho, he should have done all he could to find out about his work policy for attending a family funeral. On the other hand, he did make it to see the family and that is something. He may have just flat out done all he could. Something is always better than nothing.

The Valentine's thing sounds immature.

I think we all have different thresholds for what we think is the "right" way to behave and react to a death. I found that out firsthand when my mom died. Some people in my family or who were very close friend suprised me with how they acted or rather how they didn't, while other people wowed me with their kindness, respect and hands on attitude about the funeral and being supportive of me. I had to realize that people generally do what they can at a time like this and that in the end, the person who is gone is just that, gone and they don't care who is there because they are in a better place and they know how people truly feel. But I do feel bad if grandma was missing her one grandson on this day. Tha't sad. Hopefully he can spend time with her very soon which may mean more to her in the long run since right now she's in shock and surrounded by so many other people.

You'll have to just let it go. But I do understand why you would have been hurt and surprised. But he may very well have things going on that you don't know about that are his own private and important issues to deal with.

Good luck and again, I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Yes, I am back. It was an incredibly long and difficult day and I stand by my opinion that he should have been there. IT would have meant the world to his grandmother, his father, his brother, and his sister. I agree, he will have to live with that decision.

And since you seem to care so much , yes we have had as you say, a wild amount of funerals since November. BTW I think that is incredibly rude of you to attack someone with that as this has been an incredibly difficult past 3 months.....but anyway since you asked.....
My great Uncle- went to funeral
My dad's cousin- went to hospital, went to viewing (2.5 hours away)
My aunt's FIL (like a grandparent)- no service....memorial service will be in the spring
My dad's close friend- went to viewing, I did not know him well but went out of respect for my dad
My godmother's dad (like a grandparent)- went to funeral
My great Uncle- did not attend...funeral was today at same time
DH's grandfather- obviously attended all services

Given the harsh criticism you are giving towards your non-blood relative, what you did is incredibly irrelevant. While it may seem insensitive to ask--it is something to consider when you judge someone's actions that your own actions are up for scrutinizing when you are trying to validate how you feel via a discussion board.

You can stand by your opinion--but please do not consider the rest of us low life's if we disagree with you. I have a strong feeling based on your responses that you certainly do believe that.

I'm sorry for all of your losses.

But no amount of grief makes the harsh judgement of your relative appropriate. And many here do find it rude that you are doing that.

Unfortunately, sometimes what we feel is unfair/wrong/unjust--simply are not to the average person standing outside of the situation.

It is unfortunate he did not stay. However, the fact that he is being crucified in your family is equally if not more unfortunate.

 

[lillygator]

Yes, I am back. It was an incredibly long and difficult day and I stand by my opinion that he should have been there. IT would have meant the world to his grandmother, his father, his brother, and his sister. I agree, he will have to live with that decision.

And since you seem to care so much , yes we have had as you say, a wild amount of funerals since November. BTW I think that is incredibly rude of you to attack someone with that as this has been an incredibly difficult past 3 months.....but anyway since you asked.....
My great Uncle- went to funeral
My dad's cousin- went to hospital, went to viewing (2.5 hours away)
My aunt's FIL (like a grandparent)- no service....memorial service will be in the spring
My dad's close friend- went to viewing, I did not know him well but went out of respect for my dad
My godmother's dad (like a grandparent)- went to funeral
My great Uncle- did not attend...funeral was today at same time
DH's grandfather- obviously attended all services

well what about your great uncle? In your world shouldn't you have attended that (since family obligations are #1)and DH attended his GF?

I do feel for you, but your controlling attitude for something you didn't do yourself is just wow.