Funeral- would this upset you?

[PaulaSue]

Not at all

 

[justhat]

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

My husband's grandfather died right before we graduated from college. It didn't even cross his mind to fly home for it. He doesn't like funerals at all, hadn't been particularly close with his grandfather, so that was that. They didn't have a 'bad' relationship in any way, but just distance and the frequency of their visits led to them not being super close.

My grandmother died 2 years prior to that and not only did I go to the funeral (also out of state), but my husband came with me as well simply because he knew it was important to me. He also attended the funeral of my great aunt about a year later. Not one person in his family criticized him for that (coming to my grandmother's wake though he only met her twice, but skipping his own grandfather's).

I think some people just aren't funeral people. My cousin skipped my grandmother's because he said he preferred to remember her alive and well, not stiff in a casket. His choice and no one thought ill of him for feeling that way. He was totally entitled to his feelings and needed to do what made him comfortable, not what the rest of us were doing.

 

[JessicaR]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

Thats not very nice. You insinuate that those that posted here aren't as family oriented as you. That you were raised better and so were your friends. In reality many her are just as close to their family, they just don't agree with you.

Thats the way I interpret it anyway.

 

[crashbb]

Thats not very nice. You insinuate that those that posted here aren't as family oriented as you. That you were raised better and so were your friends. In reality many her are just as close to their family, they just don't agree with you.

Thats they was I interpret it anyway.

I interpreted it the same way. Must be nice up on that horse.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my non-family orientated family is off to lay flowers on my mother's grave. The same way we have done every year on her birthday and anniversary of her death - 11 years ago. Yup, I must really not be close to my family since I saw nothing wrong in what the BIL did.

 

[HelenePA]

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work. She doesn't qualify for anything at this point so she didn't have much of a choice. That is the distinction.

And? When my grandfather died when I was about 12-13 I made the choice not to go to his funeral/wake. It did not mean I didn't love him less. I just did NOT want to go. Heck I wouldn't have gone to any of the deaths there after if I wasn't "hosting" most of them. I DO NOT do funerals. I had a traumatic experience with them as a little kid.. I dont know if anyone was mad/pissed off at me for not going.. I dont think so but honestly I could have cared less.

ETA I loved him. He was such a wonderful guy. Heck for months afterwards i'd sit on my porch looking for him to come up our street coming home for work. I did not want my last memory of him to be of him lying dead in a casket. I wish my kids could have met him. He would have loved them so much. he died Feb 1992. I still miss him.

 

[FireDancer]

I only read the OP but it wouldn't bother me at all. I didn't go to one of my grandfather's funeral and I won't be going to my father's. Everyone doesn't have to like everyone in their family.

The actual funeral for many is not as important as the viewing and vice versa. Maybe he is out of PTO. In the end it doesn't matter why, he is an adult who is free to choose to do what he feels is right.

 

[puffkin]

Thats not very nice. You insinuate that those that posted here aren't as family oriented as you. That you were raised better and so were your friends. In reality many her are just as close to their family, they just don't agree with you.

Thats the way I interpret it anyway.

Not at all, what I was trying to say is we all have to do things we don't want to do.

 

[justhat]

OMG, I completely forgot that I missed my own grandfather's funeral! In fact, I didn't even know he died until well after the fact. I was 17yo and away for the summer on a community service program in Grenada. My grandfather was sick prior to my departure, but I didn't think he'd die while I was gone. Well he did, a good 3 weeks or so before I returned. I talked to my mom several times after his death but not once did she tell me her father died. I asked how he was doing and such but she just skirted around the issue, said we could talk about his stuff when I got back, etc. I grew suspicious by the time I was coming home, particularly when I saw photos of him around the house that were not previously on display.

Anyway, my mom told me then and her reasoning for not telling me sooner was that she didn't want me to worry about trying to get home for the funeral, missing my trip, worrying about him/her/the family, etc.

So there you go, another person who skipped out on a grandparent's funeral.

 

[Goldenbear6]

WOW!!!!!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Not at all, what I was trying to say is we all have to do things we don't want to do.

Actually--we don't.

Families who demand that--ought to look into a book called "Boundaries".

 

[MichelleVW]

I think people need to do what they need to do. Your BIL has to live with the choices he makes and, if he's from Virginia, he *might* have missed most of last week for school and needed to get back today. Not all of Virginia was like that but much of Virginia was snowed in last week.

He showed up, he supported the family. I personally think that's enough and I don't think families should judge so harshly.

Seriously...I don't see the big deal at all. Sounds like your family likes drama and I maybe see why he moved away!

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

I love my family, and thankfully they don't condemn a person if they don't make it for a funeral!! It's really not that serious. It's not like he lives across town and went to the bar instead of the funeral. He came and left...get over it and move on.

Thats not very nice. You insinuate that those that posted here aren't as family oriented as you. That you were raised better and so were your friends. In reality many her are just as close to their family, they just don't agree with you.

Thats the way I interpret it anyway.

exactly...

 

[cheermom1]

Actually--we don't.

Families who demand that--ought to look into a book called "Boundaries".

I agree, no one has to do anything they don't want to do and no one can make them either..

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Not at all, what I was trying to say is we all have to do things we don't want to do.

You don't know what he wanted. You are assuming based on the outcome. Maybe he would have preferred to stay, relax and have family time, but commitment called.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

Thats not very nice. You insinuate that those that posted here aren't as family oriented as you. That you were raised better and so were your friends. In reality many her are just as close to their family, they just don't agree with you.

Thats the way I interpret it anyway.

I see it the same way. We all have different ways of celebrating family. I have more respect for a person who does not attend a service but had a loving relationship with the person who died. I have no respect for those hippocrites who show up at funerals becasue it was expected. Thank goodness my own family would never condemn me if i was not able for reasons of my own, to attend a funeral service. They all know that while my loved one was alive I was doing what I could.

Not at all, what I was trying to say is we all have to do things we don't want to do.

We do not. We need to do what is right for our own family. You are still trying to insist that if someone does nto follwo your own rules of decorum that somehow cheapens them. This is far from the truth. In reality you get to decide what works for you, you do not get to hold others accountable to those same rules. You may be surprised to know that there are some here who would find your judging your BIL to be beyond the pale and find it unacceptable in their in personal rules.

 

[lillygator]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

Um, people can pay respects in other ways - not just by attending the funeral.

Actually--we don't.

Families who demand that--ought to look into a book called "Boundaries".

 

[DizBelle]

Nope, your BIL's actions wouldn't bother me in the least. I wouldn't be bothered if he didn't show up at all. I don't see why people think it's ok to impose their beliefs on death and grief on others? People really get their knickers in a twist way too much about death and grief and funerals. Everyone deals in their own way. Some don't even need to deal at all. Some people realize that death is just a part of what happens to all of us and that's the way it is. Some people have made peace with everyone's death long before it happens.

For me, I don't want anyone to try and rearrange their lives on 2 days notice to try and travel to wherever I am when I die. I refuse to impose on people like that. At the MOST, DH will have me cremated and take me on a "road show" of sorts. But only after a few weeks so he can book way out and get reasonable airfare. But that will only happen if there are people out there that "need" "me" present for a memorial of some kind. There's no reason people have to travel to wherever I am to pay respects. Why does location matter? Why does BIL HAVE to be at the wake and HAVE to be at the funeral to have grieved his grandfather's death?

Maybe BIL is like my mother was. She always said "I'll never go to any funeral but my own." There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[disykat]

It would not bother me at all. I have to give him a lot of credit for coming up to PA to begin with. He took what time he could and came to pay his respects and then had to leave for whatever reason.

I missed both my grandfather's funerals because of distance (MI and IA) and timing. Just because me and my family were not there, did not mean we didn't love my grandfather any less.

I agree. I didn't attend ANY of my grandparent's funerals. None of them would have wanted me to spend the money necessary to do so. Last minute air fares, unplanned time off, etc. I flew to visit each of them within months of their deaths though. I treasure those memories way more than I would the memory of their funeral.

 

[anniemae]

I can see why you would be upset, but honestly, I would be touched that he made the trip and spent time with family, at least he made an effort. I guess I can see how you were bothered that he was whining and texting his wife, but maybe he was just anxious being away from home. Or maybe she was giving him a hard time and he felt torn.

Also, in this economy maybe he felt he HAD to be back at work or else he may lose his job or look bad to his employers. In this day and age you have to be almost perfect or you can be replaced. In my old company, you only got berevement time-off for an immediate relative: mother, father, spouse, sibling. A grandparent, aunt, cousin etc. passing away would not qualify for berevement pay, but he should have looked into it before he left as he may have been entitled to the time off.

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

In answer to the question, "Would this upset you"? Not in the slightest. Would not bother me a bit.

His life, his grief. No one has the right to judge how others deal with these situations.

I totally agree.

How much interrogating did your family do to judge his decision?

So many details--and it is all so scary.

I get being upset--but I will have to say as an outsider, the manner of which everyone is being upset is highly irrational. Expected with a death in the family--but none the less, highly irrational.

He did nothing wrong.

I agree, this is misplaced concern and highly irrational. He is a grown man and he did what he felt he needed to do.

You don't know what he wanted. You are assuming based on the outcome. Maybe he would have preferred to stay, relax and have family time, but commitment called.

This is true. You don't know what pressures his wife was putting on him. You think you know that she wanted to come but you don't know for a fact. She could have been giving him the dickens but he was playing it off like everything was fine. You DON'T KNOW, you might think you do, but if you'll be honest with yourself, you don't know. My brother in law, as a teenager, once made a very profound statement. He said, "Believe NONE of what you hear and only half of what you see".

Maybe he thought it was ridiculous that others didn't put such an emphasis on Valentine's Day like he and his wife? Good grief, they could be home judging all of you right now. His wife could be on another message board this very moment asking "Valentine's Day - would this upset you?" Sounds ridiculous but no more so than this thread.

And, you keep trying to convince all of us to see it your way, after all of these comments with the same theme that it wouldn't bother us, have we changed your mind?

 

[dislaney]

Wouldn't bother me at all. We all do the best that we can.