Funeral- would this upset you?

[wdwfan16]

Wow, I guess my family is really weird then!!!!! I have a very large family and unfortunately attend a lot of funerals and I have NEVER seen a son/daughter or adult grandchild not be there except for one that was in the hospital for cancer treatment and one that was serving in Iraq.

We have a very close family too and for each grandparents funeral one or more of the grandkids did not attend.

 

[grumpeeduck]

After 3 pages, the OP still does not get it.................this sounds more about control than anything else.................................

 

[puffkin]

But if everyone understands that she can't come b/c of a job why can't you guys understand for him having to go back to work??? It doesn't matter if he didn't look up weather he could have off or not he still chose to go back to work jsut like his wife chose work...

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work. She doesn't qualify for anything at this point so she didn't have much of a choice. That is the distinction.

 

[cheermom1]

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work. She doesn't qualify for anything at this point so she didn't have much of a choice. That is the distinction.

That has nothing to do with he still CHOSE work...

ETA: Right now this is what you know that he wanted to do was go back to work maybe he couldn't handle being there and throwing himself in his work is the way he is handling his loss?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

See that is the thing. He doens't have a strained relationship at all with anyone. And yes Virginia is far...but not that far. 6 hours or so. He drives up all the time for other stuff, so the distance isn't really a huge factor. I don't think his wife was demanding he come home either...she wanted to be here but couldn't because she just started a new job with funky hours...which everyone understood.

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

Fair enough.

You've made up your mind that he should have been there--and he wasn't. You have all the excuses in the world as how he *should* have made it work out of sense of duty.

We'll just have to agree to disagree on that.

 

[Jennasis]

See that is the thing. He doens't have a strained relationship at all with anyone. And yes Virginia is far...but not that far. 6 hours or so. He drives up all the time for other stuff, so the distance isn't really a huge factor. I don't think his wife was demanding he come home either...she wanted to be here but couldn't because she just started a new job with funky hours...which everyone understood.

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

You do now. And your FIL is upset about his father passing. He is choosing to heap that on his son and make THAT the issue when it is not.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work. She doesn't qualify for anything at this point so she didn't have much of a choice. That is the distinction.

How much interrogating did your family do to judge his decision?

So many details--and it is all so scary.

I get being upset--but I will have to say as an outsider, the manner of which everyone is being upset is highly irrational. Expected with a death in the family--but none the less, highly irrational.

He did nothing wrong.

 

[JessicaR]

He has 8 personal days accrued so he didn't HAVE to go back to work even if he would get no bereavement. He CHOSE to go back to work. She doesn't qualify for anything at this point so she didn't have much of a choice. That is the distinction.

He chose is the key word. His choice, not yours. How you feel about it is your choice. You just don't have a say over others choices. I am sorry it upset you.

Years ago my FIL passed away - we all lived local to him. My BIL and my nephew missed one day of the wake, there were two, because he had a baseball game. In the grand scheme of things my FIL honestly would have been happy the kid played his game that day. At the time I thought it was disrespectful. Now I can reflect that they had a wonderful relationship and this didn't change any of that.

 

[agnes!]

He forgot to find out the bereavement policy before he left? Sorry, but that is just pitiful. The man is a teacher, he could have done some RESEARCH...
*The BIL could have gone on the Internet and found out the bereavement policy.
*He probably has home phone/cell-phone numbers of his principal - he could have called (or even e-mailed) them for clarification.

Please don't get on that ship with your FIL/MIL & DH, they have to be the ones to decide if BIL's behavior is upsetting enough to cause a rift over. If there's some kind of big blow-up, will it make everything all better or will the family just split-apart over their view of BIL's actions?

IMO, the family needs to accept BIL for what he is (whatever that might be). Maybe he's selfish, maybe his wife leads him around by his nose, maybe he really doesn't like funerals, maybe he's grief-stricken and showing it in a different way, maybe he's just an idiot...and the thing is, he's probably always been the way he is.
From your follow-up posts, OP, why would people have wanted BIL there the entire time anyway? It sounds like he was annoying the family the entire time he was around...you've mentioned he constantly whined about being there, he texted his wife constantly, etc., etc.

It is what it is. He did come, he spent some time, he didn't perform exactly the way the ILs wanted him to.

agnes!

 

[Goldenbear6]

My DH's grandfather passed away this weekend. He has been having some pretty serious health issues and he took a turn for the worse last week and passed very late on Friday night. Most of the immediate family is local. There is a grandchild that drove her family in from Maine, another that came in from NY, and BIL who drove up from Virginia. This is a pretty close family, we see each other all the time.

So the viewing was last night and the funeral/mass is today. Last night at the viewing BIL is not there. Turns out he drove back to Virginia on Sunday. He didn't want to miss any more work for the funeral (he is a high school gym teacher...he left Friday afternoon around lunch time so he only missed 1 afternoon of school). MIL also said he was really upset that he missed Valentines Day with his wife. I couldn't believe that they were making excuses for him! Many relatives were inquiring where he was. Would this bother anyone else? My DH is really mad about this...but obviously won't say anything. I am missing work and since I am a temp I won't get paid for the day but it never even crossed my mind not to go to the funeral. This is his GRANDFATHER!

So, what do you think?

I think, I have absolutely no problem with what he did, and you and your husband should not either.

 

[lillygator]

No, they are just hopeless romantics and also very naive. He had NO IDEA what bereavement leave was so it never occurred to him to find out if he got it. He had NO IDEA that many people do not celebrate Valentines Day or do not go all out for it (I did get a card from DH, but understandably it was the last thing on his mind this weekend).

What in the world does how OTHER people celebrate (or not) have anything to do with what he chooses to celebrate?

See that is the thing. He doens't have a strained relationship at all with anyone. And yes Virginia is far...but not that far. 6 hours or so. He drives up all the time for other stuff, so the distance isn't really a huge factor. I don't think his wife was demanding he come home either...she wanted to be here but couldn't because she just started a new job with funky hours...which everyone understood.

I just don't know anyone who was raised to not attend a grandparents funeral unless for extreme circumstances so this just BOGGLES my mind and FIL is very upset.

People do what they have to do, maybe he is greiving in his own way. He did come down, it wasn't like he didn't come at all. You, your DH nor his father can control what he does. Let it go.

I think, I have absolutely no problem with what he did, and you and your husband should not either.

 

[Tink888]

Personally it wouldn't bother me a bit. Like others have said, funerals are for the living. He did what he could and will deal with his grief in his way and that's enough and what matters.

You said he is close with the family and shows up for things all the time so why not cut him some slack?

Why waste your time, happiness and energy being upset about it? He's not. You have your way of doing things and thinking but that doesn't mean everyone else thinks or feels the same, and that's okay. Your only hurting yourself by being upset about it in the long run KWIM?

 

[abdmom]

In education, there can be pretty serious consequences for missing more than one's allotted vacation/sick/bereavement time. Without knowing what his district's bereavement policy was, and without notifying his principal or district that he would be absent on Tuesday, he would have been at risk of losing his job if he didn't return. After taking a half day on Friday, he likely didn't have the flexibility to take additional time on a different day anyway. There may have been other reasons that he has had to be absent this school year. Most schools also very much frown on taking additional days around holiday weekends. Although many people think that being a teacher is great in terms of scheduling. In reality, it's a very rigid schedule- there isn't someone just standing by who can cover for you.

BIL spent 3 days traveling up for the funeral and visiting. Is that not enough? My own mother didn't make it for my dh's funeral.

 

[Pakey]

No, would not be bothered at all. I did not attend the funerals of two of my grandparents, with whom I had a fairly close relationship, due to work conflicts also.

 

[Nancyg56]

He FORGOT to find out the bereavement policy in his contract before he left school on Friday.

You may think he forgot but he simply may have told you that on order to go back home without so many people upset with his decision.

Wow, I guess my family is really weird then!!!!! I have a very large family and unfortunately attend a lot of funerals and I have NEVER seen a son/daughter or adult grandchild not be there except for one that was in the hospital for cancer treatment and one that was serving in Iraq.

You have seen another one now. My son came home to see my Mom before she passed on. He adored her, she adored him. We knew that he would nto be able to come back when she died but we all knew that was the deal. he felt terrible but he did what was right for him and for my Mom.

It is impossible to determine what is right for another. You assume that because his decision would not have been right for you it is automatically wrong for him. No one has the right to make personal decisions for another. He came and was with family during part of the grieveing process. Honestly, if my decision to return home to work was criticized in the manner his seems to have been I would have left sooner.

No, they are just hopeless romantics and also very naive. He had NO IDEA what bereavement leave was so it never occurred to him to find out if he got it. He had NO IDEA that many people do not celebrate Valentines Day or do not go all out for it (I did get a card from DH, but understandably it was the last thing on his mind this weekend).

I wonder how much of this story was told to you in order to try to stop critisism.

Please don't get on that ship with your FIL/MIL & DH, they have to be the ones to decide if BIL's behavior is upsetting enough to cause a rift over. If there's some kind of big blow-up, will it make everything all better or will the family just split-apart over their view of BIL's actions?

IMO, the family needs to accept BIL for what he is (whatever that might be). Maybe he's selfish, maybe his wife leads him around by his nose, maybe he really doesn't like funerals, maybe he's grief-stricken and showing it in a different way, maybe he's just an idiot...and the thing is, he's probably always been the way he is.

It is what it is. He did come, he spent some time, he didn't perform exactly the way the ILs wanted him to.

agnes!

I agree with this. This seems to be a show stopper with the family and while you all are disappointed with his appearance you amy find that while you are all just letting off steam, he is taking all of this to heart. Be careful that this is nto the mountain you all want to die on, he may decide to limit his visits even more.

 

[crashbb]

After 3 pages, the OP still does not get it.................this sounds more about control than anything else.................................

In fairly typical DIS fashion, we keep getting more information in an attempt to convince us that the BIL is Satan incarnate.

I wouldn't be bothered by the BIL actions - even with the additional information. It may not be what I would have done, but I'd be fine with him choosing to do so.

 

[TamaraQT]

After 3 pages, the OP still does not get it.................this sounds more about control than anything else.................................

I agree. I say forget about the BIL not attending and move on. If the in-laws are upset, just be supportive and leave it at that. Let it go.

 

[puffkin]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

 

[cheermom1]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

Honey, you don't have to get it, you just have to respect your BIL for what he chose to do...for whatever reasons he has that is what he chose..and if family is as important as you say than you can and should respect him for making the chose that he feels was the best for him and his family...Just as you would want him to do the same for you and your family for the choice you made to be there...

 

[jrmasm]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

Then you should never miss a funeral. But your rules don't apply to anyone but you.