Friends refusing to pay for their dinner

[TiggerTrigger]

While I think they set you up (like what sane person and responsible adult goes out to dinner without a means to pay?), I would not only terminate the friendship but push for the reimbursement. Yes, I'm the confrontational type, but if this person has the nerve to suggest you should have just treated them to an expensive dinner...this person needs to be set straight about how no normal and decent person would share her opinion. So, she needs to dispense with whatever guilt she thinks she can hold over you about paying for their meals and realize that she's the one who should feel like a guilty sack of *choose your substance* for thinking they can weasel out of paying their way. In other words, no free rides for them and it's time to pay up! It surely can't be the first time they tried to make other people foot the bill for them.

 

[OhDannyBoy]

DH and I went out to dinner at an upscale restaurant with another couple who are friends of ours last week (they chose the restaurant). When we arrived this couple said they both “forgot their wallets” and asked if we could pay and they’d Zelle or Cashapp us right back. We said of course. They ordered $216 worth of food and drink (excluding tip and tax). After dinner they said they couldn’t get into their bank app and they’d “catch up with us tomorrow”. A few days went by without hearing from them, so I texted to see if they could send the money. The wife apologized and said she thought they sent it already. Another 2 days go by, no money. I texted her again and she got angry and said that she was tired of me harassing her and we should just have treated them to the dinner in the first place when they said they forgot their wallets. She said I was “obsessed” with this and said she’d send it. That was days ago and still no money. I texted her again today and she said if I valued our friendship I’d just drop it. She’s under the impression that because we’re “doing better” than them financially we shouldn’t be worried over it. I’ve only been friends with these people for around two years now, but up until now I liked them. Now I’m trying to decide if I just drop it and stay friends, drop it and not talk to her again or keep trying to get back the money. She seems weirdly sensitive about this. It’s not a huge amount of money but it’s not small change either. What would you do?

It stinks but look at it this way, for $216 you found out what type of people these are. Consider that lucky as often times it's going to cost a lot more in time, money, and heartache to learn such a valuable lesson.

It's like the scene in a Bronx Tale where the kid sees a guy who owes him $20 and the guy keeps running away. The older guy says to him "Do you like that guy" the kid replies , "no he's a jerk." To which the older guy says, "well look at it this way, for $20 you never have to deal with him again." (this was a really bad paraphrase, but the point is there)

People are weird.

 

[tvguy]

I belong to a non-profit that meets for lunch. One member seemed surprised we take only cash or check for lunch. This person has been a member for at least a decade, and until this time, has always been prepared to pay by cash or check. No problem, we'll cover you, send us a check A month later, still waiting for a check in the mail. Now this person has been out of town for a week which could have delayed things. But their Facebook posts of them traveling thru small towns were amusing, especially their posts about small town restaurants that are cash only! Sure hope we don't have to escalate this with this person.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

While I think they set you up (like what sane person and responsible adult goes out to dinner without a means to pay?), I would not only terminate the friendship but push for the reimbursement. Yes, I'm the confrontational type, but if this person has the nerve to suggest you should have just treated them to an expensive dinner...this person needs to be set straight about how no normal and decent person would share her opinion. So, she needs to dispense with whatever guilt she thinks she can hold over you about paying for their meals and realize that she's the one who should feel like a guilty sack of *choose your substance* for thinking they can weasel out of paying their way. In other words, no free rides for them and it's time to pay up! It surely can't be the first time they tried to make other people foot the bill for them.

I kinda think the point people are making is if we're all mostly correct these type of people don't care nor will they truly learn the lesson one really wants to impart on them. It's not fair, it's not right, but it's unlikely to do anything other than stress the OP out more to hound them more and more and if they ever do get the money back from doing that will they feel justified in the end? Kinda doubtful. Most of these people are best avoided in the first place unfortunately; hence the reason majority think they OP should not continue the friendship.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A young-adult relative invited us out to dinner, on his dime, then expected us to pick up the tab. We didn't, so he got upset. So tacky. He is family so we haven't dumped him entirely. Years later we took him and his teenage kids out for a birthday dinner (agreed ahead of time that we were hosting) he encouraged his kids to order the most expensive thing on the menu. They ordered something more modest, and he got upset. I avoid him as much as possible.

 

[fla4fun]

That's not to say no one has treated friends but it would be quite rare for your situation to even occur if I'm being honest with the people I'm around and if it did a polite but firm "I'm sorry I can't do that" or "would you like to go elsewhere" would be said, putting up a fuss about that would tell me all I need to know about the people and would affirm my choice in not acquiescing to them.

To be perfectly frank, if we were friends I would have expected them to text that they were going to be delayed because they went home to get their wallet(s), but I agree that simply saying “Sorry, I can’t do that.” would have shown their true colors. In my case, I don’t have any of those cash apps on my phone, so I really couldn’t do that on the spur of the moment.

Now I am wondering what happens if two couples go out to eat, ask for separate checks, and then one of them doesn’t pay. Would the restaurant go after the couple who did pay?

 

[TiggerTrigger]

I kinda think the point people are making is if we're all mostly correct these type of people don't care nor will they truly learn the lesson one really wants to impart on them. It's not fair, it's not right, but it's unlikely to do anything other than stress the OP out more to hound them more and more and if they ever do get the money back from doing that will they feel justified in the end? Kinda doubtful. Most of these people are best avoided in the first place unfortunately; hence the reason majority think they OP should not continue the friendship.

Maybe...maybe not, but it's awfully cathartic for some personality types to give these kinds of leeches a piece of your mind. I might even go as far as letting these people know that I'll spread the word about their poor behavior among my social circles to ensure that others at least get the benefit of a warning about them being deadbeats. Again...it might not stop them from trying to use and abuse people in the future, but it's gratifying to verbally destroy people who try and play me for a fool.

 

[disneydreamer1980]

They are parents of one of my sons friends who we hang out with once every few months or so but I communicate with much more frequently via text and facebook. So not like good friends but friends enough that I trusted them not to do this to me. It’ll be awkward when our kids hang out from now on!

That was your indication they weren't likely to pay and to have dropped asking at that point. Keeping going at them will eventually make the person feel harassed even when they know darn well they should be paying you pay (that's not meant to be in their defense just that they can eventually claim you are going after them even when you have the right to get back the money they advised you they would pay back). It is different than an agreement between parties where you are loaning them money but even then eventually you'd have to stop asking and take it as the money is lost, it is sadly an understood thing about paying for things for others/loaning people money.

Truth be told I'm having a hard time reconciling you both having been friends with someone for two years, liking them and them seemingly doing an about face on behaviors over one dinner. Is it possible that there was things afoot before this? Random comments made either by you about your seeming ability to have less financial stress or by them about having more financial stress? Or random comments or behaviors that would lead you to believe these people aren't as warm and fuzzy towards you as you think they are?

I am with the others in that this friendship is probably fallen out but I also wonder how close of a friendship it was. I absolutely adore my friends but they also aren't the people (the ones we go out to places where this situation could arise) who would even suggest at having us pay and then they'd pay back given this upscale locale. The honest way would be to either cancel or select a different locale more suited to the budget of the evening; these supposed friends of yours come across as just wanting a high price meal free.

Speaking to the honest way I can't say I would just offer to pay for a friend's tab at an upscale restaurant with the excuse of a forgotten wallet (ETA: willing to bet they didn't forget their wallet, they either didn't want to pay so hoped you'd pay or they are extended beyond their means financially and hoped you'd pick up the tab without giving the appearance they are hard up for cash), then again separate checks are the norm around here and that differs regionally (DIS-style ) That's not to say no one has treated friends but it would be quite rare for your situation to even occur if I'm being honest with the people I'm around and if it did a polite but firm "I'm sorry I can't do that" or "would you like to go elsewhere" would be said, putting up a fuss about that would tell me all I need to know about the people and would affirm my choice in not acquiescing to them.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Who on earth goes out expecting another couple to pay for their splurge? That is appalling, and the gall for her to challenge you is just astounding. Not good people.

We were part of a group of families and DH & I don't drink so I started getting the impression one of the couples was taking advantage of us not drinking to subsidize their booze spending because, of course, we'd all split the bill evenly. Eventually I started getting apps to balance it out. The husband was a pharma sales guy and after he sank the family finances and left her for someone else she spilled that he used to use my name as a Dr on meals to get them comped... some people are just rotten through and through.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Would the restaurant go after the couple who did pay?

It has never happened before but I know I would refuse to pay, the separate checks is us paying for our stuff, it's the others responsibility to pay for theirs. When 1 check is done er well then it becomes harder because clearly somebody has to pay unless you then catch the wait staff to ask for separate checks which is easily done around here.

To be perfectly frank, if we were friends I would have expected them to text that they were going to be delayed because they went home to get their wallet(s),

Oh gosh me too! I was being a tad more diplomatic in the response to the OP lol. Heck yesterday sister-in-law had to turn back around 3 times because she kept forgetting things at her house on her way to our neighborhood. A forgotten wallet might have been more believable/forgivable in the decades ago but is just not these days. Generally speaking people have at least some method of payment they can use, they may not have enough of said payment for the place but to not flat out have any means to pay is less likely so yeah turn yourself around and get it lol.

In my case, I don’t have any of those cash apps on my phone, so I really couldn’t do that on the spur of the moment.

haha yeah me either. But I know my husband does and we have venmo'd to pay people back before but it was a pre-arranged thing where one person is paying the others pay back and because we don't want to dilly dally he'll often pay right then and there for it.

 

[Disneefun]

I'm weird and annoying enough that I'd keep hounding them. I'd drop the friendship part, but I'd just keep texting or emailing demanding payment. (While knowing in my heart I'd never see a dime, and that the friendship is over. I just figure you're not going to stick it to me without me getting a little of my own back.) No skin off my nose if they get stressed about it or mad at me. Good. I'd probably just find some autobot text or emailer program that would send stuff a couple times per day. Nothing profane or too angry that could trigger them to call the law, just, "Hey we floated you that $200 bucks and you said you'd pay back. Still waiting..."

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

They are parents of one of my sons friends who we hang out with once every few months or so but I communicate with much more frequently via text and facebook. So not like good friends but friends enough that I trusted them not to do this to me. It’ll be awkward when our kids hang out from now on!

Oooh ouch yes that indeed would be awkward, I do think I'd still agree with others to let the friendship go but perhaps since you'll still have to be around them or at least the kids socialize with each other drop the friendship and just be civil with them more like acquaintances. The communication could be more simple, short and kept more about your kids and I would not choose to hang out with them again one-on-one. That ship sailed IMO.

 

[gsdweller]

In my experience, it is probably something much more awful for her. Like perhaps her husband has blown all their money and she is trying to keep her head above water and not let anyone know her life is totally falling apart. Either way you will not get your money back, but if you really like her, you could perhaps be a support when things get really ugly and she kicks him out.

 

[kdonnel]

This is a great time to invest some more money!

Rent a bill board on a road you know the couple travels on regularly that simply states:
John and Jane Doe owe me $216 and won't pay!

While it won't get you your money back, and will in fact cost you more money, it might be satisfying.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Maybe...maybe not, but it's awfully cathartic for some personality types to give these kinds of leeches a piece of your mind. I might even go as far as letting these people know that I'll spread the word about their poor behavior among my social circles to ensure that others at least get the benefit of a warning about them being deadbeats. Again...it might not stop them from trying to use and abuse people in the future, but it's gratifying to verbally destroy people who try and play me for a fool.

I know and don't disagree with you, didn't before, it can be incredibly cathartic too but more the pick your battles. If this is one you'd pick that's the one you'd pick. But if it's going to cause the OP more stress and honestly more gossip especially now that we know it's a shared circle it may turn out to be quite ugly towards the OP. These people also like to thrive on gossip and on slandering people and you would be just going right into their hands if you do it right back and that's not to say that matters but it also depends on what someone's goal is.

I'll also be honest that as bad as I think this instance is it does not rise to the level of what your words describe.

There's also something cathartic in knowing your truth and sometimes that's all that you'll get because others around are unwilling to see people and what their behaviors show. Sometimes that is by just ebbing back instead of lighting the house on fire, especially when we're talking about one dinner. It's good the OP questioned their behavior as soon as they did. Some posters have posted about years and years and years worth of very obvious poor behavior.

 

[Magical2017]

How rude. So sorry this happened to you, OP.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

In my experience, it is probably something much more awful for her. Like perhaps her husband has blown all their money and she is trying to keep her head above water and not let anyone know her life is totally falling apart. Either way you will not get your money back, but if you really like her, you could perhaps be a support when things get really ugly and she kicks him out.

I don't think you could leap that it's the husband over the wife if there were money issues but that was one reason I asked if there was any indication about their financial situation given that the OP was told they were doing better than them financially. That doesn't always mean money troubles are going on with the other couple as sometimes people just expect entitlement to others more comfortable financial situations but it can mean there's a facade going on.

 

[LoveDaisy]

I would drop them as friends, my kid would no longer play with their kid and I’d be honest as to why, I would let all mutual friends know what happened so it doesn’t happen to them (you weren’t the first and you won’t be the last) and I would continue to text them and I’d put it on their social media publicly, you will never see the money but why let them feel comfortable about it and if they are embarrassed they can pay you back. .

If they couldn’t afford to go they could have canceled, picked a cheaper place, or ordered a less expensive dinner. They knew exactly what they were doing. She thinks by being angry you will back down or not expose them to mutual friends. Not only did they steal from you but now they are trying to intimidate you. Don’t give them that power.

 

[5kidsmommy]

Yeah, I'm at the age where I would keep pestering them. a text every morning and every evening. Obviously the friendship is over but yeah I would pester them. Good luck! It's doubtful they'll ever pay you though.

 

[Magical2017]

If they couldn’t afford to go they could have canceled, picked a cheaper place, or ordered a less expensive dinner. They knew exactly what they were doing. She thinks by being angry you will back down or not expose them to mural friends. Not only did they steal from you but now they are trying to intimidate you. Don’t give them that power.

I totally agree, based on their choice of ordering $216 worth of food. They expected OP to pay from the get-go, based on the wife's response that you could foot the bill since they "did not have their wallets." That is passive-aggressive BS to get mad that someone did not treat you after telling them you'd send the money. If you did not offer to pay, that means their portion is their responsibility. I would not post on social media, but I'd definitely let them know why I felt the friendship should end. I would only tell others if they asked.

Let me guess--they initiated the invite.