FIL wants to bring 2nd wife to DS's wedding (longish)

[hentob]

Now DS is getting married and I called FIL to ask for his correct zip code. He calls back with a long message saying that he expects us to invite his wife and that he has "his reasons" and goes on to say that if she is not invited he expects us not to invite MIL's 2nd husband.

Wow..He seems very controlling and bossy. Really, who does he think he is to tell your son who he can or cannot invite to his own wedding?

To be honest, I just wouldn't invite him. It is a day to celebrate with the people you love You don't need others there that think they are "runnin' the show" and to make the ones you truly love uncomfortable.

 

[Poohnatic]

I'd invite FIL's wife, as that is proper etiquette. That said, I'd have a conversation with him about it being your son and his bride's day. If they intend to do anything to take the focus away from WHY everyone is gathered, then they'd best stay home.

However, if your son is indifferent to FIL being there, I'd skip the invite altogether.

Suzanne

 

[hentob]

I'd invite FIL's wife, as that is proper etiquette.

I just don't think everyday etiquette applies to a man who led a double life

I do agree with the "just don't invite him".

It is up to the bride and groom.

 

[poohandwendy]

It sounds to me like you already gave an unofficial invite by calling him for his current address in regards to the wedding. (at least that is what I got from the OP) I guess this is one of those things that should have been discussed before you called him, who you really wanted to extend the invite to. I mean, he is married, it is totally inappropriate to invite only one half of a married couple (whatever the past history). i guess it is too late for that now.

I am wondering what the bride and groom want to do about this? It is their wedding, they should have the final say over who is and who is not invited.

 

[NMAmy]

What is your MIL's take on this? This is why I ask--I've been in her shoes. My ex had an affair for a couple of years and we divorced when I finally found out about it and his present wife was pregnant. This was about 8 years ago and although they are not my favorite people, I put that aside for dd's sake. I fully expect to be gracious to them at dd's graduation and wedding and any other of her life events that her father should attend and the events of our future grandchildren.

And, frankly, although I hated both of them for awhile, I know that I am much better off without him in my life and I got the better part of the deal. It doesn't bother me in the least to see them together or to deal with them.

Your MIL has happily remarried--perhaps this is not a big deal to her? Of course, I may be all wrong! Everybody's different and only you know the dynamics of your family.

 

[Antonia]

Bride says that she has never even met her in the four years that she has dated our DS. Groom has never cared for her and like he says - Grandpa has not brought her around in the last eight years. So why now?

FIL ans his wife have not acted like a couple on FIL's side of the family - not just with us, but all of the family. Therefore when I called I asumed it would be just like it has been for years. And he even indicated it at the time - said he would be coming up to stay at his sister's house and coming to the wedding with her.

That's why I was surprised to get the message we got yesterday. If only you all could hear his tone on it - it is very aggressive.

I wish life could be smooth and I do not like conflict. But I guess we are faced with some.

 

[VSL]

I wouldn't invite either. It doesn't seem like they'll be of any contribution to the day at all anyway.

 

[poohandwendy]

That's why I was surprised to get the message we got yesterday. If only you all could hear his tone on it - it is very aggressive.

Maybe he is just very defensive about it because he is tired of feeling like he has to keep his wife out of family functions because of past history? I am not saying what they did is right, not at all. But it is in the past. Maybe he just wants to move past all of that? I dunno. Tough situation.

 

[MAKmom]

Why do you have a problem with the new wife & not the FIL. He is the bigger creep. He had a family he loved & betrayed. She had an affair with a married man. How does DH feel, its his father. I would let him decide.

 

[VSL]

At the end of the day, I think it is your DS's and his FW's choice. They don't seem to be all that interested in your FIL and his DW.

 

[SC Minnie]

Just because you invite her doesn't mean she will come. I would extend the invitation to both. If he says she is coming your DH should tell him that there will be no scene made at the wedding or reception. If one starts both will be quietly escorted out. This day is about your son and his bride. Everyone needs to be an adult.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I say invite both, without all the baloney. This is the time to put it aside and get it over it. The sooner the better.

Also if you plan to have this man in your life for grandkids, then it really is in your best interest to start repairing the relationship.

Now of course if you want to cut him off forever, then so be it.

But it was very "Hostile" for you to call and then suggest now you may not invite them. That is pouring salt into the situation. Not fair to the bride and groom.

I say what is done is done. Get over it and move on. You may be surprised that it might have closure for all.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am not one who likes to be told what I will and won't be doing at an event that I am hosting, so my vote would be for not inviting them.

However, since it is a wedding, I'd ask the bride & grrom their thoughts, and go with what they want.

Just be aware that if you don't invite them, it may sever the relationship permanently. Make sure your DH would be OK with that.

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

Does your son want his Grandfather at the wedding. If so, then I think you have to invite his wife and make the best of it for your son's sake.

If your son doesn't care, and apparently your husband doesn't care, then don't invite him. That will probably be the final break in the relationship so all should be willing to accept that.

I agree. The decision really should be up to your son and his future wife. I personally wouldn't invite FIL at all, but since it is your sons wedding, he may want him there If he doesn't care...don't send the invite and have a wonderful time enjoying your sons wedding

 

[hiwaygal]

I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said...but I just wanted to point something out.

Whether or not you know this woman isn't really the issue. Your DS and his bride may invite a co-worker (or something) and not necessarily know their spouse either, but that doesn't mean that said spouse is not invited. Couiples are always invited together.

In your situation, you just need to decide to invite them both, or not. You simply "can't" invite just one of them.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I wouldn't invite them either - and people seem to forget that both FIL and his now-wife took part in some awful deception that hurt a lot of people - why are the good ones always having to be the bigger person and be nice to them - they should reap what they sowed.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Isn't it the bride and groom's decision on who they want/don't want to invite?

 

[mickeyfan2]

I may all alone here but it seems to me if you invite the FIL his wife is automatically assumed to be invited and welcomed as well. Same goes with the MIL and her husband. You can't just go around inviting people to a wedding and then tell them to leave their spouse at home. At least in my family and friends circle this is the way it is.

I agree.

 

[mickeyfan2]

It sounds to me like you already gave an unofficial invite by calling him for his current address in regards to the wedding.

I had not thought about this, but ITA.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just thought of something else...

If you and your dh "let this go", you might be the one to free yourself and everyone around you, including your mom. Healing is a good thing. You may find you and your dh are "more mad" than his mother at this point in time.
Who is holding the torch, so to speak?

So you can let it go and cut him off for good. Never speak of him again.
or
Invite them and move on.

Either decision is OK. I guess you need to decide which one is better for your whole family.