Family dog issues, wwyd?

[manning]

Is there anyone in thr family getting married soon? If so, will SM be bringing the dog to the wedding/reception

 

[mom2grace]

Is there anyone in thr family getting married soon? If so, will SM be bringing the dog to the wedding/reception

Ring Bearer! Ha!

No, the only people not married are 14, 12, and 6 so I hope we have a while!

 

[bethy]

We have this same issue in our family and it's the worst at Christmas because like a PP suggested in our close relatives' case their 3 dogs are literally family and they don't want to spend Christmas without them.

The dogs are awful in every way dogs can be and even sometime growl at my DD4.

Basically they've literally stated that if we want to see them then we'll have to see the dogs too because they are a package deal.

I've found some compromises to help mitigate the situation (including guarding my DD 100% of the time but is sure makes for a looong evening ugh.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Do you have the opportunity to get a dog crate? You can tell your dad and stepmother not to bring the dog, but if they don't respect your wishes then I think a back-up plan is worth considering. I'd get a crate, and when the dog acted up, the dog would go in the crate. I wouldn't put my dog away while another dog ran around my home.

Also, I think that the home-owner's wishes trump the pet owner's wishes when it comes to bringing a vet to someone's home. I'd have a problem if someone brought their dog to my house and expected the dog to come inside. I would put the dog in our backyard, or on a leash in the back while they visited.

 

[donalorow]

I have dogs I would never bring my dog with out asking.

 

[mom2rtk]

Do you have the opportunity to get a dog crate? You can tell your dad and stepmother not to bring the dog, but if they don't respect your wishes then I think a back-up plan is worth considering. I'd get a crate, and when the dog acted up, the dog would go in the crate. I wouldn't put my dog away while another dog ran around my home.

Also, I think that the home-owner's wishes trump the pet owner's wishes when it comes to bringing a vet to someone's home. I'd have a problem if someone brought their dog to my house and expected the dog to come inside. I would put the dog in our backyard, or on a leash in the back while they visited.

 

[tzolkin]

For many people, their dogs are their family. Asking them to leave their dog at home would be like asking them to leave their child at home.

I understand your concern that the dog may annoy some family members and certainly dogs can be destructive. So can children.

I think that how people feel about this issue really depends on their perspective on pets. Are they just pets, or are they truly family?

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

I'm a bit curious if you have children.
I really don't think this is a "pets vs family" mentality issue.

Children are often not invited places. Either it's specified (host will mention "adults only") or if it's not specified, you ask. You don't just assume that you can bring your children with you everywhere because "they're family". I would think people could expect the same courtesy (if not more so) from people who have dogs-- You ask, you make sure the invitation is clear, and even if the host says "yes" you have the sense to know whether they are really welcome or if the host is just trying to be polite but would really rather they not attend.

In addition, most children are not destructive, physically injure others purposefully, and go to the bathroom all over my home. If they did, I would be very clear with the parent that they need to maintain more control over their child's behavior. If the parent thought this behavior was perfectly acceptable and refused to provide adequate supervision (like the OP's step-mom with the dog), they would not be welcome in my home.

Edited to add: And yes, I have had the above conversations with my siblings about both their dogs and children.

 

[ArwenMarie]

We have this same issue in our family and it's the worst at Christmas because like a PP suggested in our close relatives' case their 3 dogs are literally family and they don't want to spend Christmas without them.

The dogs are awful in every way dogs can be and even sometime growl at my DD4.

Basically they've literally stated that if we want to see them then we'll have to see the dogs too because they are a package deal.

I've found some compromises to help mitigate the situation (including guarding my DD 100% of the time but is sure makes for a looong evening ugh.

You have to guard your DD4? Yikes. That is truly disturbing that they think it's ok to do that to a 4 yo.

If they are doling out ultimatums, I would be issuing one as well. But I know that is all easier said than done.

 

[SparklePixie]

Do you have the opportunity to get a dog crate? You can tell your dad and stepmother not to bring the dog, but if they don't respect your wishes then I think a back-up plan is worth considering. I'd get a crate, and when the dog acted up, the dog would go in the crate. I wouldn't put my dog away while another dog ran around my home.

Also, I think that the home-owner's wishes trump the pet owner's wishes when it comes to bringing a vet to someone's home. I'd have a problem if someone brought their dog to my house and expected the dog to come inside. I would put the dog in our backyard, or on a leash in the back while they visited.

Put the crate in the garage and leave the dog there when SM shows up with her "precious". She'll get the hint.

 

[SparklePixie]

For many people, their dogs are their family. Asking them to leave their dog at home would be like asking them to leave their child at home.

I understand your concern that the dog may annoy some family members and certainly dogs can be destructive. So can children.

I think that how people feel about this issue really depends on their perspective on pets. Are they just pets, or are they truly family?

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

Pets are not children. Period. There is no comparison.

 

[wilkeliza]

I agree, but just because someone has the need for that medical tool it doesn't override another person's choice on if they will or even can accommodate a service dog in their PRIVATE home.

this may seem harsh, but for some people it's not an issue of choice-it can be an issue of allergies or potential negative impacts on their own pets (service animal may be very well behaved but if the person has their own animals who would be stressed or otherwise negatively impacted by the presence of another animal in the home it's their choice to weigh the consequences of that service animal's presence and opting not to extend an invitation to the person who understandable cannot go without it). in my case I would have to balance the well being of the members of my household in permitting someone with a service dog access. in my case it's not a matter of being 'against' dogs- I have an autistic child w/a fear of dogs. I can't and will not relegate my son to another room to facilitate someone's service animal-it just wouldn't happen. I might try to arrange a visit for a period of time when ds is not home but my child's needs will come first.

I think if you know someone well enough to invite them to your home you would know if they have a service dog or not. If you invite them and say nothing about the dog at the time of invitation I would have to imagine most would assume their service animal is welcomed. If they got there and their service animal was unwelcome they probably would have to leave since you can't just put a service animal out back or in another room. I imagine owners still do ask but I could see why service dog handlers would assume the invitation included their animal if it was not specifically called out. I mean we are talking about family and friends here not some stranger.

 

[bethy]

You have to guard your DD4? Yikes. That is truly disturbing that they think it's ok to do that to a 4 yo.

If they are doling out ultimatums, I would be issuing one as well. But I know that is all easier said than done.

Yes easier said than done, esp at Christmas. Also they are not bringing the dogs to my home but to MIL's where we meet up for most family gatherings. She actually dislikes all dogs (and having animals indoors, etc). But she will do anything to see these folks (her other son and family).

Ultimatums can quickly lead to a lonely life....

 

[Chocolate Cake]

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

Bringing a dog that "sheds terribly" into another person's home is rude. But bringing a dog that bites into another person's home is absolutely insane!!

 

[nkereina]

I agree with the advice on getting a dog crate, and maybe going a step further by keeping the dog crate in the basement. Maybe come to some middle ground by telling them they can bring the dog but it needs to be put in the dog crate in the basement for the duration so it's not ruining your sister's house and upsetting your dog when at your house. I don't think there's anything wrong with flat out telling them no, but I understand not wanting to cause a family rift.

I have a best friend that is similar with their dog. I live about an hour away, and any time they come to visit, the visits have to be short because they have to get home to let the dog out. She has asked once in the past if the dog could come, and I said no. She respected it. I love my dog, but I don't let him interfere with my life like that. If I was visiting a friend or relative an hour away and knew I'd be gone for a while, I'd ask a local relative or neighbor to come let him out or board him overnight for $17. Two viable options for us.

 

[mom2grace]

Update: My sister talked to my dad today. It was tearful for my sister, but she is confident that they will not bring the dog. My sister is upset that they will leave early because of the dog. I told her that is their choice, we can't control that. I would rather have them there for a shorter time than to have the dog there.

Sister has little tolerance for SM, but I feel differently about SM. This has been from Day 1. SM is a very sweet and giving woman, to a fault for those who take advantage of her, but I choose to focus on her kind heart.

My sister feels like my dad chooses the dog & SM over sister/christmas. I do expect my dad to choose his wife over me, I'm a grown woman and my sister is only 1 year younger than I am.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Update: My sister talked to my dad today. It was tearful for my sister, but she is confident that they will not bring the dog. My sister is upset that they will leave early because of the dog. I told her that is their choice, we can't control that. I would rather have them there for a shorter time than to have the dog there.

Sister has little tolerance for SM, but I feel differently about SM. This has been from Day 1. SM is a very sweet and giving woman, to a fault for those who take advantage of her, but I choose to focus on her kind heart.

My sister feels like my dad chooses the dog & SM over sister/christmas. I do expect my dad to choose his wife over me, I'm a grown woman and my sister is only 1 year younger than I am.

I think that is great compromise.

 

[KPeterso]

Look like OP that you have gotten resolved...

In my family, it is my cousin who must bring her dog everywhere. We had the Thanksgiving from H--- in 2009 where her brother and sister in law were hosting and asked (or begged) her not to bring the dog. But she still brought it with her and then other family members brought their dogs because she brought hers. It was kind of crazy with 4 dogs in a small house. They were finally put outside, but the 2 do not get along and cannot be alone, so my cousin thought hers trumped all and got to be inside. I am one of the dissenters on that one as I think only the dog who lives at that house should be inside, but he was relegated outside. And then after dinner, all of the "cousin dogs" had to be walked and one family did not want to walk theirs and it got pawned off to me and my young niece who wanted to help and is disabled.

It was horrible and there was a family email after that Thanksgiving. It sadly did not help and cousin brings hers everywhere still (unless absolutely not allowed and then takes to doggie daycare since he cannot be left home alone). Her parents still "babysit" the dog while they work or go out of town. But at least others are not bring their dogs everywhere anymore.

 

[EMom]

The people who think their dogs are on the same level as people and must be allowed to accompany them everywhere are nuts. If you think that way, YOU host the family dinners and let people decide whether to accept or not. But if you are invited to someone else's home, it does not mean your dog is automatically welcome. If I'd been at the gathering above, with all those dogs, I'd have just given up and walked out, driven to Cracker Barrel and called it a day.

 

[bethy]

Look like OP that you have gotten resolved...

In my family, it is my cousin who must bring her dog everywhere. We had the Thanksgiving from H--- in 2009 where her brother and sister in law were hosting and asked (or begged) her not to bring the dog. But she still brought it with her and then other family members brought their dogs because she brought hers. It was kind of crazy with 4 dogs in a small house. They were finally put outside, but the 2 do not get along and cannot be alone, so my cousin thought hers trumped all and got to be inside. I am one of the dissenters on that one as I think only the dog who lives at that house should be inside, but he was relegated outside. And then after dinner, all of the "cousin dogs" had to be walked and one family did not want to walk theirs and it got pawned off to me and my young niece who wanted to help and is disabled.

It was horrible and there was a family email after that Thanksgiving. It sadly did not help and cousin brings hers everywhere still (unless absolutely not allowed and then takes to doggie daycare since he cannot be left home alone). Her parents still "babysit" the dog while they work or go out of town. But at least others are not bring their dogs everywhere anymore.

You've described every single family get together on my DH's side. The many dogs running around, combined with the young children who are chasing them raise the level of chaos to near insanity. And then there is always the worry about some poor child being bit. Which has happened once. Crate them? You mean cages????!!! That's mean, of course!

This Christmas eve I will not be helping in the kitchen because I will be providing man to man coverage on my DD4 who wants to hug every dog. On Thanksgiving my grown niece's dog growled at her and my niece grumbled "so what now, do I have to hold my dog all evening?!" Um no, I guess not. Even though she's growling at a 4 year old child. Kicker is niece and the dog live NEXT DOOR and she still won't leave the stupid dog home. ARGHHHHH!!!!! Yes, I love my MIL a LOT or no way would I go to her house in these circumstances.

 

[AtlantaDisneyDreamer]

I'm a bit curious if you have children.
I really don't think this is a "pets vs family" mentality issue.

Children are often not invited places. Either it's specified (host will mention "adults only") or if it's not specified, you ask. You don't just assume that you can bring your children with you everywhere because "they're family". I would think people could expect the same courtesy (if not more so) from people who have dogs-- You ask, you make sure the invitation is clear, and even if the host says "yes" you have the sense to know whether they are really welcome or if the host is just trying to be polite but would really rather they not attend.

In addition, most children are not destructive, physically injure others purposefully, and go to the bathroom all over my home. If they did, I would be very clear with the parent that they need to maintain more control over their child's behavior. If the parent thought this behavior was perfectly acceptable and refused to provide adequate supervision (like the OP's step-mom with the dog), they would not be welcome in my home.

Edited to add: And yes, I have had the above conversations with my siblings about both their dogs and children.

I do have children. Two of them. And when children aren't invited, we usually don't go. That is how I can understand if the OP's SM decides not to accept the invitation if the dogs are not invited.

I did not mean to say that everyone has a responsibility to accept other people's dogs. I don't feel that way at all. I just think that people have to understand that if they limit which family members are invited and which ones aren't, then the hosts have to understand when none of the family shows up.


I agree with you that we all have to be thoughtful. I include all of my family's family when I invite people to my home, including their dogs. On the other hand, I also agree that people with dogs should realize that not all people think of them as family. Therefore, we never imposed our dogs on anyone.

I think we just all need to consider how others feel and be open and willing to accept the consequences of our own choices. If the OP does not want dogs at her home, she has every right to ask people not to bring them. I just think she has to be willing to accept a declination of her invitation if she limits who is invited.