Family dog issues, wwyd?

[Lynne M]

Unfortunately, I think this is your Dad's battle to fight with SM. I'd approach him, tell him you don't want the dog there (which I suspect he already knows). Then, it's on him to speak with his wife, and either a) suggest that she leave the dog home, or b) suggest that she stay home with the dog while he visits the family.

From the way you describe her getting very upset if she can't take the dogs somewhere, though, I wonder if she's having some sort of emotional problems. That sounds like an unhealthy amount of attachment, no differently than if she were unable to go anywhere without having her husband with her. I've seen that before, where a pet functions almost as an 'unofficial' therapy animal for someone.

 

[Bec3b1g]

We are in a similar position with my dad and his fiancé. They had 2 dogs that they brought with them last Christmas. Both dogs peed on my daughter's bedroom carpet to the point that professional cleaning didn't get rid of the urine smell and I had to replace the carpet. We politely told my dad no more visits with the dogs.

He wants to visit for Christmas, but won't even bring up the idea of kenneling the dogs with his fiancé. There's a vet practice at the end of our road and they also provide kennel services so it would be super convenient. I can't imagine choosing dogs over grandkids, but oh well. It is what it is!

I understand that this is a tough spot to be in. I would try talking with your dad and maybe he'll be receptive to leaving the dog behind.

 

[mefordis]

No matter how the dog acts unless it is a service dog you should always ask! Your dad and step-mom are breaking a social norm that I would put my foot down on. We have a 6 year old that as long as she doesn't have access to carpet is a sweet well trained dog. Now our 6 month old puppy on the other hand is the exact opposite. I would never imagine bringing either somewhere unannounced.

Even with a service dog you need to ask! Some people don't like dogs in their homes.

 

[VandVsmama]

Perhaps the crux of the matter is that your SM repeatedly violates other people's boundaries. It's her way all the time. Re: dilemma #1 - leave that battle to the person who's directly impacted by it (i.e., the person whose house they'll be invading).

Re: dilemma #2 - establish boundaries with your dad & SM. Tell them in a calm and kind way that their dog will have to stay at home and that they can't bring the dog over. Don't feel guilty about it. Like others have said, your home is YOUR castle. Your SM doesn't make the rules in YOUR castle, you do. And you should probably expect that SM will show up with the dog anyway, so you will have to be prepared with a couple of retorts to her balking at the no dog rule. Meaning, you will have to send her home. This will upset her AND your dad. Other relatives there with you will probably give you a lot of flack for enforcing your home's rules, but don't give in. If you back down, then the extended family rule of "SM always gets her way when it comes to her dog" gets reinforced.

 

[mom2grace]

Unfortunately, I think this is your Dad's battle to fight with SM. I'd approach him, tell him you don't want the dog there (which I suspect he already knows). Then, it's on him to speak with his wife, and either a) suggest that she leave the dog home, or b) suggest that she stay home with the dog while he visits the family.

From the way you describe her getting very upset if she can't take the dogs somewhere, though, I wonder if she's having some sort of emotional problems. That sounds like an unhealthy amount of attachment, no differently than if she were unable to go anywhere without having her husband with her. I've seen that before, where a pet functions almost as an 'unofficial' therapy animal for someone.

Yes, there are lots of issues. My SM is a very sweet and religious woman who had a tough road until she met my dad. I do think the dog is filling lots of voids in her life, but it's impacting her relationships with others. And, honestly, that might be okay with SM. She doesn't have very much power in her life, or has much say in decision-making. However, she is a bit passive whiney/doom & gloom, like passive aggressive but not aggressive if you know what I mean.

I don't think my dad will talk to SM about it. If my sister doesn't, I imagine they will bring the dog and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[manning]

Interested parties:



Dilemma #1: They asked my sister's husband if they could bring their dog to Christmas day, our gatherings usually last 3-4 hours, but it's flexible and people can leave when they are ready. He said no due to wrapping paper, craziness, etc. My sister was not with them when they asked. I guess they didn't take no for an answer and it's still up for debate. Any ways to handle this gracefully?

Dilemma #2: I would prefer that they ask before they bring their dog to our house. I know, I just need to grow a pair and tell them! It would be different if we just showed up everywhere with our dog, but we don't. I would never dream of showing up with our dog unannounced. My SM will be very hurt and dramaful. And potentially stay home and get my dad to stay home with her and miss our family events.

I can be as diplomatic as a wet rag. My response would be " No is a two letter word, N..O. Now explain to me what part of that word you don't understand?

 

[mom2grace]

Perhaps the crux of the matter is that your SM repeatedly violates other people's boundaries. It's her way all the time. Re: dilemma #1 - leave that battle to the person who's directly impacted by it (i.e., the person whose house they'll be invading).
.

In her life things are pretty much never her way (she's in her early 70's) and I think this dog is the one thing that is hers. I don't think she's thought about the consequences of her not being able to leave the dog for a few hours since she's only had the dog for 6 months. I think that's why they weren't invited/didn't go to her family for Thanksgiving. I have no idea, didn't ask, didn't want to know. She did leave the dog at home when they first got him and they would come to visit or she would ask first. And she did just leave him with the groomer for boarding as they went on a cruise a few weeks ago. She knows (somehow) not to ask us to keep the dog. And honestly, we might as it would give us time to train him! We did suggest that they leave the dog with the trainer while they were away a few months ago to allow them to really train the dog but they left the dog with the groomer instead.

My dad has never had a dog and I don't know if SM has or not. We've had 2 dogs over the past 17 years.

They will be snowbirds until April so hopefully I won't have to deal with it until they get back as they won't be visiting my house. By then, hopefully my sister and I can come up with a plan.

 

[mom2grace]

And, to be clear, if the dog were even moderately well-behaved, we would WELCOME the dog in our home. He's annoying to everyone, including our own pets, a dog of the same breed and a cat.

 

[wilkeliza]

Even with a service dog you need to ask! Some people don't like dogs in their homes.

People can't just leave a service dog. If you are that against dogs I'm sure you probably don't have friends or family that require a service dog. Having someone not have their service dog would be akin to telling me not to wear my glasses because you don't like glasses. Service dogs are a medical tool not family pets.


Now to other points we are a dog family as I pointed our we have 2. The puppy won't ever be in the bed simply because there is no space. I already get the smallest portion of the bed I'm not giving up any more haha. Our dogs are indeed family. Heck today is the 6 year olds birthday so we scheduled oir annual holiday party for today and had a small celebration for her as well. However, I still never assume or demand my pet is welcomed in anyone else's home but my own.

 

[CPanther95]

People can't just leave a service dog. If you are that against dogs I'm sure you probably don't have friends or family that require a service dog. Having someone not have their service dog would be akin to telling me not to wear my glasses because you don't like glasses. Service dogs are a medical tool not family pets.

I think the point was - even if it is a service dog - you should make a homeowner aware you have a dog before just assuming the dog is welcome into someone's home.

There are a lot of people that don't want somebody's dog in their house - even if that means not allowing a visitor with a service dog even if they would have otherwise welcomed them in. Most people that don't want dogs in their house aren't against it because they are pets, they are against it because they are dogs.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, there are lots of issues. My SM is a very sweet and religious woman who had a tough road until she met my dad. I do think the dog is filling lots of voids in her life, but it's impacting her relationships with others. And, honestly, that might be okay with SM. She doesn't have very much power in her life, or has much say in decision-making. However, she is a bit passive whiney/doom & gloom, like passive aggressive but not aggressive if you know what I mean.

I don't think my dad will talk to SM about it. If my sister doesn't, I imagine they will bring the dog and let the chips fall where they may.

You know, for someone in the their 70's, I give them a pass.

Probably not the best answer, but I would just deal with it.

 

[ArwenMarie]

I agree that this is between your sister and your dad. Unfortunately, in those cases, many men are scared to tell their wives something like this, so not sure how it will go. Your sister may need to talk to the woman directly.

Does she bring the dog because she has no one to walk him while she is gone for the day? (I assume with an hour drive each way it could turn into a long day) Do they have a friend nearby their home who could come in and let the dog out?

 

[CPanther95]

Dilemma #1 isn't really a problem. It is at the sister's house and if they don't have a problem with it - or at least don't have a problem enough to tell them no - then that's up to her. Since most of your problem with the dog is how it behaves while interacting with your dog at your house, you might not be dealing with any issues at your sister's house without your dog present.

 

[mom2rtk]

In her life things are pretty much never her way (she's in her early 70's) and I think this dog is the one thing that is hers. I don't think she's thought about the consequences of her not being able to leave the dog for a few hours since she's only had the dog for 6 months. I think that's why they weren't invited/didn't go to her family for Thanksgiving. I have no idea, didn't ask, didn't want to know. She did leave the dog at home when they first got him and they would come to visit or she would ask first. And she did just leave him with the groomer for boarding as they went on a cruise a few weeks ago. She knows (somehow) not to ask us to keep the dog. And honestly, we might as it would give us time to train him! We did suggest that they leave the dog with the trainer while they were away a few months ago to allow them to really train the dog but they left the dog with the groomer instead.

My dad has never had a dog and I don't know if SM has or not. We've had 2 dogs over the past 17 years.

They will be snowbirds until April so hopefully I won't have to deal with it until they get back as they won't be visiting my house. By then, hopefully my sister and I can come up with a plan.

So she can leave the dog when she goes to do something fun like taking a cruise. But she can't be without it when she visits family.

People do what they can get away with.

Have a crazy bark-filled Christmas day.

 

[luvsJack]

Is it that this dog is her "child" and leaving him with the groomer was more like leaving with a sitter and as with children, she would never not include the dog in family events?

If she does think of the dog that way, its going to be difficult to get them to leave the dog but yet visit family. Just as it would be to get someone to leave one child at home or with a sitter when they visit.

I think I would try to figure out a way to make it work. Limits to where the dog can go in the house, put your dog somewhere their dog can't get to when it starts bothering your dog (I do this with our pommie when all the grandchildren are here-their noise and activity makes her nervous)

It sounds like more frustration for you but like someone else said, sometimes you have to give older folks a pass.

 

[mom2grace]

I agree that this is between your sister and your dad. Unfortunately, in those cases, many men are scared to tell their wives something like this, so not sure how it will go. Your sister may need to talk to the woman directly.

Does she bring the dog because she has no one to walk him while she is gone for the day? (I assume with an hour drive each way it could turn into a long day) Do they have a friend nearby their home who could come in and let the dog out?

It would be about 4 hours away from the dog. They do have neighbors with dogs who I am sure would be willing to walk the dog. Most dogs can go longer than that without going potty.

 

[leebee]

For many people, their dogs are their family. Asking them to leave their dog at home would be like asking them to leave their child at home.

YES! EXACTLY!! Children aren't always invited; that's why we have babysitters. It's even better if you have a dog; if you can't get a neighbor/friend to come over and dog sit, or at least walk the dog, there are KENNELS. Board for the day! Lots of solutions, including NOT going to the event... but would you really skip Christmas with your grandkids and kids because your dog wasn't welcomed? Do you really not understand that there IS a difference between animals/pets and people/family members?

 

[mom2grace]

Dilemma #1 isn't really a problem. It is at the sister's house and if they don't have a problem with it - or at least don't have a problem enough to tell them no - then that's up to her. Since most of your problem with the dog is how it behaves while interacting with your dog at your house, you might not be dealing with any issues at your sister's house without your dog present.

I don't want the dog at Christmas either!

 

[mom2grace]

YES! EXACTLY!! Children aren't always invited; that's why we have babysitters. It's even better if you have a dog; if you can't get a neighbor/friend to come over and dog sit, or at least walk the dog, there are KENNELS. Board for the day! Lots of solutions, including NOT going to the event... but would you really skip Christmas with your grandkids and kids because your dog wasn't welcomed? Do you really not understand that there IS a difference between animals/pets and people/family members?

I think there is a chance SM will skip Christmas, my sister doesn't. This does not influence my position. We have missed holidays, birthdays, etc due to illness.

They do board when they leave town and they are 110% comfortable with their groomer/kennel or they would NEVER leave the dog.

 

[CPanther95]

I don't want the dog at Christmas either!

If the dog is a pain even without your dog there, then that makes it a dilemma again.