Family dog issues, wwyd?

[EMom]

Yes, and I didn't know SM until I was an adult and her children were adults. Based on their life trajectories, I don't think that she disciplined her children either. One child is a disaster, one is very successful and has very little to do with SM. This child loves her but lives across the country and interacts very little. I don't know the disaster child. (They are both middle aged)

My aunt DID discipline her child and she turned out well. But she turned to mush with her dogs. And the older she got, the less she said "no" to the dogs she had. My cousin summed it up perfectly. Her mother equated training and discipline with being "mean" to the dog. Anything that inhibited its widdle fwee spiwit was just awful. I see this in a lot of older people and their pets. But it sounds like your stepmom was never much of a disciplinarian.

Maybe if she sees that one visit without the dog can go well and the dog survives just fine, there can be more. Fingers crossed.

 

[Julylady]

We had dogs when I was a kid, but they always "lived" outside. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I tested positive for dog/cat allergies. If I spend even 15 minutes in either of my brother's houses (both have dogs), I am absolutely miserable and the misery lasts for several days. And yes, I have had years of shots and take allergy meds faithfully. Obviously, most people who come to my house know enough not to take their pets. (I did have one visitor a couple of years ago who had to leave his dog in the car. Fortunately, it was a cool day!) When I am invited to people's homes for the first time, I always ask if they have a pet that lives in the house. If they say "yes," I need to make a decision whether or not to visit there. I know that having an allergy is my own problem, so I try not to bring it up unless I absolutely have to. But, it really bothers me when people bring dogs into places like restaurants, stores, the mall, on airplanes. If they are a legitimate service dog, I figure that the dog owners needs equals out my allergy so I have to live with it. But when people just take dogs along "for fun" it really irks me.

A few years ago, both my niece and I (both my sister and niece are as allergic to pets as I am) had a bad week at WDW. I highly suspect that a dog had stayed in our hotel room immediately prior to us. Of course, when I brought it up to the manager he denied that dogs are allowed (with the exception of service dogs). Since I have seen dogs at the resorts with my own eyes, I know that isn't true.

 

[luvsJack]

I think I get it just fine. Some people perceive their dogs to be their children. Okay. Now if they love their dogs as much as they would love a child, that impacts me not at all. But when they want to bring that dog (not an actual human child) to a party, a non-pet friendly hotel or restaurant, etc. it does impact me and I refuse to feed their delusion any longer. Because a dog is NOT a human child.

There is a difference between loving a pet as if it was a child and actually treating it/acting as if it was a child and expecting others to do the same. One borders on mental illness. You say how we see the dog doesn't matter and that only how the owner sees the dog matters. I disagree. I say our opinion matters plenty. There has been a trend over the past decade especially for more and more people to do this sort of thing. (bring pet to a party when pet is not welcome, pretend pet is service animal so pet can get into restaurant or hotel) It will get worse before it gets better. For my part, I won't go along with it. I have said this before. I long for the days when dogs were dogs and people were people and we all had enough sense to be able to tell the difference.

Again, the difference is that they do see the dog as a child or a replacement for the child. They aren't delusional, they are just able to love the dog in a different way than you. I have never met anyone that expected me to treat their dog like a human so maybe someone like that is delusional.

Bringing the pet to places they are not supposed to is a problem. The people I know that are that attached to their animal tend to make sure the dog is welcome at the hotel or wherever they go. But just like some folks do not make sure the places they take their children are child appropriate, there will always be some that do not make sure the places they bring their dog are dog friendly.

I don't agree with making your dog your child, I just understand their love of the animal.

 

[luvsJack]

I get it fine, thank you very much. I just refuse to buy into that way of thinking. YMMV

You not buying in to it, doesn't make it less true for someone else.

 

[luvsJack]

This is the problem with SM. And it's tricky since we have exactly the same breed of dog and she loves our dog so much she wanted one. My sister does not have any pets and her husband is vocally anti-dog. They have willingly (we would use a kennel) kept our dog twice in 2 years. And that makes it even more complicated.

Except that the dog is out of control. That part is easy, even the 6 year old who is DYING for a dog doesn't want SM's dog around.

And I do think that we have been saying for several months to dad and SM that the behaviors are becoming a problem, so it's not like this is out of the blue. A few months ago my sister's husband told SM that he didn't like her dog and she didn't believe him. The next time I saw SM she said, BIL said he doesn't like dog. That can't be true. I confirmed that it was. She still didn't believe it.

OP, you have done everything you can to let them know the problem. If you had a sibling with a child that was destroying your house, hurting your children and making mayhem, you would have to stop that child from coming to your house until they can behave. I don't think its wrong to tell your SM the same thing.

Just tell her that the dog is out of control and its making all of you very uncomfortable and not want to be around the dog and maybe it would be best to leave the dog home until the behavior can be gotten under control.

Other than that, don't worry about it. If they are geeing to coming over without the dog, problem solved.

 

[manning]

We have this same issue in our family and it's the worst at Christmas because like a PP suggested in our close relatives' case their 3 dogs are literally family and they don't want to spend Christmas without them.

The dogs are awful in every way dogs can be and even sometime growl at my DD4.

Basically they've literally stated that if we want to see them then we'll have to see the dogs too because they are a package deal.

I've found some compromises to help mitigate the situation (including guarding my DD 100% of the time but is sure makes for a looong evening ugh.

Talk about going to the dogs

 

[tzolkin]

Is your SM like my aunt? Aunt's DD summed it up once like this: "That dog is like her baby. She loves it like a child. And she won't discipline it or train it at all. She equates training with 'being mean.' If you make it mind, you are being mean to it and God forbid you do that. So it's just the most ill behaved dog I've ever seen and she's completely to blame. I don't know why she thinks disciplining is being mean. Heaven knows she did it to me enough."

It boiled down to that. Training the dog and making it mind was as bad as being mean to it in her mind. She never put it into those words, but when you broke it down, that was it.

I think this is very true (and also a huge issue with parenting children-- can't even count how many times I've heard parents use that as an excuse for their children's out-of-control behavior).

We adopted a dog in the spring and work with her a few hours daily, got a trainer, etc. When we first started having issues (almost immediately), most people's responses were along the lines of "well, maybe that's just the way she is..." To me that's just completely unacceptable. Sure, I can acknowledge that the dog has real reasons for her issues (dog aggressive from being attacked by dogs and issues with certain people/objects since she was abused) and be patient and loving, but I'm not willing to just not address the problems. These people genuinely thought I should be "nice" to my dog by accepting her issues and not even bother looking into training methods. But that would have meant never being able to go for a walk and having to be crated whenever we had company. I just can't see how that's being "nice" to the dog.

I actually never realized how many of my neighbors have dogs until I got a dog. And how many absolutely never go outside. Maybe I'm the delusional one, but I think any dog would be much more happy if it didn't have to live in a near constant state of anxiety/fear and if it could go outside for some fresh air and exercise.

I can't see anything "mean" about training a dog. I think people who believe that either don't actually know what training entails and how much fun it can be for a dog (maybe they think it's yelling/punishing for bad behavior?) or they're just too lazy to be bothered so they're looking for an excuse to justify their own behavior.

 

[manning]

I think this is very true (and also a huge issue with parenting children-- can't even count how many times I've heard parents use that as an excuse for their children's out-of-control behavior).

We adopted a dog in the spring and work with her a few hours daily, got a trainer, etc. When we first started having issues (almost immediately), most people's responses were along the lines of "well, maybe that's just the way she is..." To me that's just completely unacceptable. Sure, I can acknowledge that the dog has real reasons for her issues (dog aggressive from being attacked by dogs and issues with certain people/objects since she was abused) and be patient and loving, but I'm not willing to just not address the problems. These people genuinely thought I should be "nice" to my dog by accepting her issues and not even bother looking into training methods. But that would have meant never being able to go for a walk and having to be crated whenever we had company. I just can't see how that's being "nice" to the dog.
That's
I actually never realized how many of my neighbors have dogs until I got a dog. And how many absolutely never go outside. Maybe I'm the delusional one, but I think any dog would be much more happy if it didn't have to live in a near constant state of anxiety/fear and if it could go outside for some fresh air and exercise.

I can't see anything "mean" about training a dog. I think people who believe that either don't actually know what training entails and how much fun it can be for a dog (maybe they think it's yelling/punishing for bad behavior?) or they're just too lazy to be bothered so they're looking for an excuse to justify their own behavior.

Feel sorry for dogs that go for a walk. Why?

A dog is a pack animal and you are the leader. Their world is smelling. You don't just stop when they have go. You let them stop and smell. That's in their DNA.
Do that and you will have a happy dog.

 

[tzolkin]

Feel sorry for dogs that go for a walk. Why?

A dog is a pack animal and you are the leader. Their world is smelling. You don't just stop when they have go. You let them stop and smell. That's in their DNA.
Do that and you will have a happy dog.

I think you misread my post or perhaps my writing was unclear.

That's actually the complete opposite of what I was trying to say. I said I feel bad for dogs whose owners refuse to train them and therefore their behavior is so bad that they can never go outside (for walks or even just in their yard). Going for walks is good for dogs.

My dog is walked a minimum of 4 miles per day. This has taken a great deal of patience and training because she is dog aggressive. Even now it's still "work" to take her for a walk, but I think it's beneficial. Most people told me to just give up, accept that's just the way she is, and not take her for walks.

 

[manning]

I think you misread my post or perhaps my writing was unclear.

That's actually the complete opposite of what I was trying to say. I said I feel bad for dogs whose owners refuse to train them and therefore their behavior is so bad that they can never go outside (for walks or even just in their yard). Going for walks is good for dogs.

My dog is walked a minimum of 4 miles per day. This has taken a great deal of patience and training because she is dog aggressive. Even now it's still "work" to take her for a walk, but I think it's beneficial. Most people told me to just give up, accept that's just the way she is, and not take her for walks.

This is info for anyone who wants to read it. not directed to you.