Failing as a Stepparent

[yoopermom]

No one has mentioned the effect this is probably having on the other children. IMHO, the OP needs to think of them as well. This girl is being a bad influence on them, and diverting time/attention away from them. OP is trying to do her best to raise 4 small children with a DH who is frequently out of town and a SD who obviously has issues. Why should it all have to be on OP's shoulders?

Serious, serious counseling needed all around. And this is coming from someone who was a "horrible" teen to my SM. I've spent most of my adult life trying to make up to this woman who has never been anything but kind to me, but I was too messed up to see it as a teen....

Terri

 

[Darcy03231]

OP, I'm a parent and a step-parent. It's never an easy job. Before DH and I married we agreed that we were going to treat all the children as "ours." I back him up and he backs me up.

As other posters have pointed out, you have a husband problem here. You can try to parent all you want, but if you don't have his support and backing it isn't going to work.

Here's what I would do:

1. Have a come to Jesus meeting with DH. Do it after all the kids are in bed so you can sit down and talk without being interrupted. DH has to get on board or it isn't going to work.

2. Family counseling and individual counseling for DD.

3. Until she can prove to you that she can be trusted, DD needs to be kept on a short leash. If, after her grounding is over, she wants to go out with friends, you/DH need to do both the pick-up and the drop off. I would also be monitoring her phone/texts and Facebook account.

As someone else once said, parenting isn't for sissys.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

My thirteen year old stepdaughter has been living with us since June, and I feel like I am failing as a stepparent. She was having a hard time at home with her mother and stepfather, so my husband and I said she could live with us. When my husband is around (he travels a lot for business, usually once a month or more), everything is great. She abides by our rules and is a joy to be around. However, the second he leaves, everything is awful: she breaks curfew, mouths off, uses bad language around my kids, along with other typical, unsavory teen behavior. I feel as though I have really tried to include her in our family, but she just seems unhappy. I just had a baby, so it has been especially hard. I have discussed this with my husband, but he just brushes me off. At this point, I'm really not sure what to do. She has put an enormous stress on our marriage, and part of me wishes she would just go back to living with her mother. I do genuinely love and care about her, but at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. How should I fix this?

I did not know how wrong I was get a nanny cam

 

[Robbi]

nanny cam and sit down with the whole family to watch it. It will be dealt with and the 13yo will know she can not misbehave without consequences. Or maybe just watch it with your husband so he understands. Obviously, he has not seen the behavior. It's really hard for some parents to admit their children could be flawed.

Honestly, you have a husband problem and not a step child problem. By not backing you or even bothering to listen to your concerns he is showing her that she does not have to listen to you, you have no authority.

If you husband refuses to listen then tell him you refuse to parent her. That she can either travel with him when he goes (I know unrealistic) or she can go back to her mother's house while he is gone. Personally, I would not tolerate it. He would be getting phone calls when she didn't come home. MAKE him deal with his child.

Edited to add that I agree with the nanny cam. If she is acting the complete opposite when he is home then he may think you are exaggerating. Prove your position when you approach him.

Use a nanny cam as shortbun suggested and show it to your husband. If she is the perfect angel when he's around, he may think that you are overreacting.

Your husband does need to step up. By not backing you up, he is disrespecting you and your stepdaughter sees this.

Since the Op's husband works out of town, I am confused at what other choice she has but to "parent"?

Step-parents can and do parent their step children. He needs to step up and back the OP, but they both need to be a parent to this child--as does her mother.

My husband was my elder son's stepdad and I encouraged him to parent my son. I was lucky in that my ex agreed with this. DS spent most of his time with us. We also had 2 more children. How would it have looked if DH was allowed to parent our 2 but not my son? Seems like it would have been confusing all the way round. When my ex died, DH adopted DS. He kept his last name and that was fine with DH. They have a great relationship.

 

[yoopermom]

Whether or not OP should be expected to "parent", the girl should be expected to follow the "house rules" or suffer the consequences. Obviously these need to be spelled out in detail, along with the consequences for not following them. I remember as a teen my parents saying, "You have to be civil even if it means being silent". OP is trying to create a positive home environment for *everyone* living in that home, so the teen needs to learn to be part of that.

Terri

 

[luvsJack]

Sorry, in a perfect world, this might be true.

But, not realistic at all in a situation where a troubled teen girl is being left with her step-mom at this age like this.

We see what is happening, with a father who refuses to parent, and how this troubled teen reacts when she is in a position to be parented by the OP while her dad is gone.

This teen just deciding to acquiesce to the step-mom at this point.
Without any other direct and possibly professional intervention..... As Dr. Phil would say.... "How's that workin' for ya."

The OP is in a lose-lose situation.

And, anybody who excuses the dad from being responsible for his daughter because he has a job....

The DAD is the parent here.
The OP has a problem with her spouse.

The OP needs an entirely new perspective here.....

She feels like a failure because she has been expected to take on the sole responsibility for parenting her husband's troubled teen child from a previous marriage, while he seems to be able to brush off his responsibilities just so easily. She is not a failure. She has just found herself in a Lose-Lose situation.

She is not a failure in any way. Just the fact that she cares enough to come here and ask for advise and that she cares for her step daughter along with a new baby is proof of that.

Sure Dad is one of this child's parents and yes he is the biggest problem. That doesn't mean she can't be a parent to this child.

This child may not be reacting to the OP's attempts to parent at all, but to her father's lack of parenting. Hopefully he will come around and do better but that isn't something anyone is going to be able to force him to do. If its guilt that is stopping him then family counseling would be the best ticket, if he is willing.

Depending on how things went when the girl left her mother's home, it is possible that this girl is seeing just how far she can push things before her step-mom and dad get rid of her too. The OP may be the very person that can sit this girl down and tell her in no uncertain terms that they will not be moving her out and she will live by their rules or have no privileges until she does.

The father is away from home a lot, so it seems. Even if he sets the rules and punishments for this girl, it is ultimately going to be up to the OP to enforce them---in other words, parent.

Dh works away from home. He is still a parent to dd just as he was his step sons. But the bulk of the parenting is on me. Same thing here with the OP.

She needs to be able to parent this child if this is going to work at all. They have to do it together.

I just hate seeing people say "its up to the parent to parent not the step-parent". Its like saying she doesn't have permission to be a parent and she needs that.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

First, let me just say I am not a step-parent and don't pretend to know all the difficulties that are involved in that. I am going to answer you as a parent of a 16 year old girl (and boy) whom I've had the luxury of raising without some of the added difficulties of blended families, etc.

It sounds like your life, with 4 young children and a husband that travels, was difficult enough before your SD came to live with you. It was good of you to take on this extra responsibility.

I largely agree with Radio Nate's way of thinking. I also agree that for all intents and purposes, you are the parent here. (13 yr olds need *someone* to parent them!) I also picked up on something similar to what crazy4disney72 said about the subtle way you've come across, such as in the OP you said things like "she uses bad language around MY KIDS" and "I've tried to include her in OUR FAMILY". Why should one have to be included if they are already part of a family? "My kids" are also her siblings. Do you get what we're saying... how does this translate to her day to day. Not criticizing, just pointing it out. Does she really feel included in this family, or does she feel like a visitor/intruder, etc.

Now, onto how to treat a 13 year old girl. Not saying I know all the answers here but just telling you what has worked for me, since you don't have teens of your "own" yet. My DD and I do a lot together, for fun and for learning. We talk endlessly about life - about girls and boyfriends and behavior and expectations and work and marriage and you name it. We go to various college campuses for lunch sometimes just to check them out. Soon she'll be driving and we'll drive wherever she wants to go, so she can get experience. (DS, too.) She doesn't have a "hidden" life because me and her father and brother are involved in it on a daily basis. I don't ever not know where she is because we stay in touch. But most important is the time we spend together, as a family.

Now granted, I realize this is a luxury, as I don't have younger kids to care for. Although I do work and I also take care of an elderly parent who lives with me so it's not like I have all the time in the world to myself either. Key is, I make time. I've heard a lot of people say that teenagers are on their own, but I think that that's the time, in some ways, they need you more than ever. Remember, our job as parents is to prepare our teens for life after Mom and Dad; to help them learn *adaptively* how to live on their own.

I don't know the genders of your four children, but if you have a daughter, what do you envision her life to be like as a teenager? How will you treat her? What will your goals and expectations be? Give that some thought, and perhaps apply some of those things you think of your own daughter, to your stepdaughter. See if you can somehow make more time for her - time for just you and her. Go get mani/pedis. Go to a girlie movie together. Go have lunch or dinner somewhere. Gosh, this girl needs someone to help her learn about the world and to be there for her to guide her as she grows up. It can't just be about punishment and take aways and send back and you're bad all the time.....

Good luck, Hun. You are in a tough position but I think if you can turn it around a bit and include her in your family, you and she might actually both mutually benefit. There must have been a reason she came to live with you, and I doubt it was just so she could manipulate you. She probably really desires to be a real part of your/her family.

 

[worm761]

3. Until she can prove to you that she can be trusted, DD needs to be kept on a short leash. If, after her grounding is over, she wants to go out with friends, you/DH need to do both the pick-up and the drop off. I would also be monitoring her phone/texts and Facebook account.

As someone else once said, parenting isn't for sissys.

While I agree with the short leash until OP feels she can trust her again...She would not be going out with friends or anywhere other than school without me until she wanted to explain where she was until 2am and why exactly she thought it was permissible to not answer the phone when I called.

My DS is 17. He knows he has to listen to DH regardless of the fact that he is the step parent. And he knows that if he stayed out until 2 am He better start praying before he gets home.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

OP I just looked at your signature

Me(25)DH(38) DS(6)DS(5)DD(3)DD(2 months)

and am a bit surprised to see you are not too long ago a teen yourself (and I don't mean that in a bad way). You sure have a lot on your plate, and it would be hard for you to, in addition to everything else you have going on, know how to parent a teenager. It's something you work your way up to. (And I have the added benefit of having children sort of late, too, so I am pretty mature as far as parents go.)

I guess I'm wondering how her mother fits into all of this. Is she "unavailable" to this girl?

At any rate, if she does stay with you and you continue to be the only "parent" she knows, you may need to get some outside help and guidance for yourself, and your DH definitely has to become very involved here, in fairness to everyone - even to the degree of perhaps finding a job where he's home each night. BTW it can be either of you who parents this child, it shouldn't necessarily all have to fall on you all the time. Of course, Dads are great, but there are some things that a girl likes to discuss with another woman. Maybe if some of your stress is taken off of you, and her behavior improves, there might be more time for you and her to forge a better relationship. I hope you can work it out, but please don't feel like a failure. I'm sure you're doing the best you know how and can.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I too thought I could be overreacting and that it was just pregnancy hormones, so I gave it a couple of months, but I really don't think I am. On Saturday night she went to a movie with friends and did not come home until around 2 in the morning. It was terrifying! Her curfew is 11. She has done a lot of stuff like this in the past. I told her she was grounded, but I have yet to see how good of a job my husband will do at enforcing it...

And she came to live with you when you were pregnant. Wow.

 

[NFLDERS]

If your DH is out of the country you have no other choice as the adult in charge to take care of her. I don't know how long you've been in her life but at 13 she's going to resent you trying to parent her when she knows who her parents are. When you DH is away its your rules but once he returns I would fully expect him to take over.

As for making a 13 year old happy that would probably involve putting her in charge and letting her run things but I don't think your going to be happy living like that.

I'd wish to dig deep into her feelings is she understanding the parallel between feeling Sad, Angry, Jealousy (expected baby) and acting on these emotions. How much hurt/pain is she experiencing?

I've not read all the posts but, thus far I've not read of Police involvement?

Before much longer the Police may be involved.

 

[Lilliputian]

You waited around for her in the middle of the night not knowing where she was? You didn't go out to look for her or send someone else out? I know what it's like to have young children. I have 5 children, ages 10 and under. I also know what it's like to have a husband who travels a lot for work when you have young children in the house.

There are some situations where you just have to get the kids out of bed and put them in their car seats. That's one of them. Or call someone to stay with your kids. Something. You can't just leave 13 year old girls running around town in the middle of the night and tell people you were really worried. Worried people get up and go do something.

I agree with others that this girl is feeling abandoned. A big part of it is because of how her dad treated her when she was young, and some of it may be because of how he treats her now. I don't know. But he didn't come here asking for advice. You did. And the fact that you keep talking about your kids and your baby and all the attention they need and how your step-daughter keeps you from being able to do that isn't good. You married a man with a child. He decided to bring her into your home. Now you need to step up to the plate and do everything you can for that poor girl.

I do think that step parents do need to do some parenting, especially when the biological parent isn't there. You don't need to make up new rules or set the tone of the house, but you do need to enforce his rules, and I'm guessing that he wouldn't want her out until 2:00 am without anyone knowing where she was. You do need to keep her on a short leash. Personally, I wouldn't have her write a report. That doesn't seem like a logical consequence. She does need to stay close to you and have some practice treating you respectfully and with maturity. You need to do the work to make sure that happens.

I also agree with the people saying that sending her back to her mom needs to be off the table, at least in your mind. That's up to her dad and mom. Since she's with you right now, you need to be all in with doing everything you need to do with her being there. You can't have an out in your mind. Treat it like you'd treat it with one of your biological children. You don't just ship them off when they disobey, unless it's something so serious that you send them to military camp or something. If it's even in the back of your mind that sending her back to her mom is an option, it will negatively impact the way you treat her.

 

[Colleen27]

OP I just looked at your signature

and am a bit surprised to see you are not too long ago a teen yourself (and I don't mean that in a bad way).

I wonder if that might not complicate things. I'm not criticizing but I wonder if/how much stepmom's age fuels the situation. I could see a teen using that to justify the disrespect - "She's closer to my age than to my dad's" (something I certainly said myself about my father's girlfriends) - and I could see it being a learned behaviour if her mother has made comments about her ex "robbing the cradle".

 

[penn19]

Excellent post! Passing this poor child back to her mother is the last thing you want to do. I cringed reading all the responses advising you to do just that. If it was a biological child who had no other home to possibly go to, you (general you) would suck it up and find a way to deal with it, why is it in any way acceptable for a stepchild not to have the same absolute right to a stable home that one's biological children have?

13 is a tough age to begin with, let alone for a child who has abandonment issues, which, if her dad left her when she was a toddler and wasn't around much, no matter how stable her mom and stepdad's marriage is, she likely does. Add to that scenario that dad has moved on with a new family, and this girl feels like a second class citizen, no wonder there are problems. She needs rules, she needs consequences. Your DH needs to be on the same page with you. Ideally all 4 of you, you and your dh and her mom and stepdad, should sit down and talk this all out, come up with a plan that hopefully involves counseling and consistent rules/consequences, but even if you can't get the other set of parents to cooperate, you and your dh need to do this. StepDD needs to see that she is worth the trouble, that you love her enough to follow through, as I'm sure you would with your own biological children.

I find it interesting that, despite saying something in your original post about doing everything you could to make her feel a part of the family, she is not included in your signature on this board. You, your dh, and your other children are, but she is not. Actions speak louder than words, and if just this one little example is indicative of your mindset regarding your stepDD, whether you realize it or not, no wonder she feels that and it is a contributing factor to her acting out.

I am not a stepparent but I am a stepchild, and I can't say enough about the benefits of family counseling. It was extremely helpful for our family. Please consider this; it will help your marriage and your relationship with all of your children, including your stepDD.

That was absolutely the first thing that jumped out at me. I didn't want to point it out because I thought maybe it was nit picky. But yea not being included in the signature. Maybe it was an oversight and doesn't mean anything.

 

[abdmom]

There's lots of good advice in the last few posts.

OP, if you didn't know where your 6 year old was, what would you do? Call their friends' houses? Go out looking for them? Call the police? A 13 year old is not that much older. They might look older, but in terms of maturity, they're really not. 11 pm is far too late for a curfew for a 13 year old girl, imo.

Perhaps when she didn't come home, she was testing you to see what you would do. Did you care enough to come looking for her? Or send someone to look for her?

You would have a tremendous amount on your plate, just being a regular mom with 4 young kids. For your dh to go on business trips for long periods of time and leave you with a newborn, a troubled teen and 3 other young kids, Your dh really needs to step up here and be a parent to all 5 of his children.

 

[mickeyboat]

You have been given a lot to think about here.

Parenting a teen is tough work, and if you and your DH do not present a united front when DD is 13, you are in for a world of hurt for the rest of her teenage years.

I think you really need family counseling. Your DH needs to step up and parent this child. You need to make her feel a part of her own family. She needs to feel cared for and supported, and I think right now she just feels lost and unloved and a burden to you. She needs clear rules and consequences - not because you are mean, but because you love her. Do this before it is too late!

I feel quite sorry for her. And I am sure she feels very sorry for herself. Her father abandoned her as a toddler. Her mother shipped her off when she became a teenager and started to test her boundaries. Her father remarried a much younger woman (engaged, married and a mother in her teens), and had a new family of his own - one cute baby right after another. He is gone all the time. She stays out until 2AM at 13 and no one comes looking for her!!!! Did you take her with you on all of those trips in your signature? There might be good reasons for all of this which make sense to an adult, but not to a child.

I know it must seem overwhelming, but you need to do some hard work for this child. Don't let your DH brush you off. I wish you good luck.

 

[RadioNate]

You have been given a lot to think about here.

Parenting a teen is tough work, and if you and your DH do not present a united front when DD is 13, you are in for a world of hurt for the rest of her teenage years.

I think you really need family counseling. Your DH needs to step up and parent this child. You need to make her feel a part of her own family. She needs to feel cared for and supported, and I think right now she just feels lost and unloved and a burden to you. She needs clear rules and consequences - not because you are mean, but because you love her. Do this before it is too late!

I feel quite sorry for her. And I am sure she feels very sorry for herself. Her father abandoned her as a toddler. Her mother shipped her off when she became a teenager and started to test her boundaries. Her father remarried a much younger woman (engaged, married and a mother in her teens), and had a new family of his own - one cute baby right after another. He is gone all the time. She stays out until 2AM at 13 and no one comes looking for her!!!! Did you take her with you on all of those trips in your signature? There might be good reasons for all of this which make sense to an adult, but not to a child.

I know it must seem overwhelming, but you need to do some hard work for this child. Don't let your DH brush you off. I wish you good luck.

I 100% agree.

The more that comes to light; the OPs age (sorry OP, I'm sure you are lovely but as a child of divorce, who's father always had much younger girlfriends, your step daughter notices and it likely bothers her,) the fact that no one went and looked for her (?!?!?! who DID bring her home??) and having a father who wasn't present when she was younger & then went and had 4 other children in quick succession, I'm sorry but this is a teenager who is crying out for attention. Help her.

And no book reports. That will not end well. Grounded, absolutely. She needs strong boundaries but I really think a councilor can help with more effective ways to change her behavior.

 

[lizabu]

Previous posters have pointed out some really good, really logical things. The feeling abandoned thing makes a lot of sense. She can't live at Moms anymore. Dads always gone. How sad for this poor kid. A lot of people would act out and feel angry. If there's anyway for Dad to be home more he really needs to do it.

 

[mom2rtk]

Previous posters have pointed out some really good, really logical things. The feeling abandoned thing makes a lot of sense. She can't live at Moms anymore. Dads always gone. How sad for this poor kid. A lot of people would act out and feel angry. If there's anyway for Dad to be home more he really needs to do it.

And I really hope it can be handled with compassion and understanding for just how lost this girl likely feels. Which does not mean less punishment (although I agree with ditching the book report). It means acknowledging her feelings, but then addressing how dangerous her behavior was and how they intend to handle things from this point on.

 

[Wendy31]

I think you've mostly been given good advice. (Like others, though, I would NOT send her back to her mother's house.)

And I think you mean well.

However, I noticed your age right away. You're only 25 yourself. 25 isn't a bad thing, but, in your stepdaughter's eyes, you're probably not "mom" age, if that makes sense.

I would stop trying to be her mother &, instead, try to be her big sister - someone that's on her side, someone willing to listen, her confidante, someone to "be there" when the other adults in her life aren't. It doesn't mean you stop giving advice or reminding her what the house rules are; it just means you communicate these things differently.

I would definitely cancel the book report punishment. 10 pages?! Really?

Maybe invite her to join you for a "girls day out." Hire a sitter for you younger children & have a spa day - pedicures & lunch!

Does she have a special place at your house that's all her own? A place she can decorate? Maybe take her shopping for a new bed comforter, a cool new chair for her room, help her choose some new paint colors, etc.

Let her know she's wanted & accepted. Allow her to mess up & make mistakes always knowing she has a place to land w/o threats of kicking her out or sending her back to her mother's.

What are some of her favorite foods? Her favorite TV shows or movies? Maybe after the younger kids go to bed, you & she can have a pajama movie night.

Include her w/ things you do w/ your younger children as well - make her feel a part of the family.

13 year old girls are tough, even when the family dynamic is perfect. My DD is 13, &, oh my goodness, I miss her younger years! LOL!

I would keep your DH informed & let him communicate rules to her.