Failing as a Stepparent

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a feeling this behaviour is what Mom was seeing. My guess is this kid doesn't like rules and she was pushing the boundaries with Mom and Mom didn't tolerate it so she ran to Dad. Now all she has to do is act like an angel in front of Dad and she can run wild. I think you're seeing who she really is. You need to call Mom and let her know what you're seeing and see if that's what she's been dealing with all this time. Once you find out the two of you need to talk to Dad. He's being conned. Once he is aware of what's going on he needs to step up and get his DD under control. I find it hard to believe that he wasn't aware of the 2 am thing, unless he just wasn't home. You don't do your kids any favours being a Disneyland parent (that's an actual term where you want to be the fun likeable parent). He's going to create an out of control monster.


ETA - I'm a Step Parent myself. My job is to be a friend and confidant to my Step Child. The Parents get to do the parenting.

Agree with bolded.

OP, anyway that she can live with mom while your DH is out of town?

 

[rwdavis2]

Honestly, you have a husband problem and not a step child problem. By not backing you or even bothering to listen to your concerns he is showing her that she does not have to listen to you, you have no authority.

This. If he does not care there's not way you can enforce anything. Your problem is really with your husband. I'm sure the girl's mother is happy just to have some time off. Although it sounds like typical teen girl crap it's her father's problem, not yours.

 

[aaarcher86]

She was getting poor grades and apparently she was constantly fighting with her mother. Her stepfather isn't all that involved with raising her. I don't really know the specifics. As of now, she's doing very well in school, so that problem seems to be fixed. She's very smart and sort of manipulative, which was probably part of the problem.

I dropped her off at the movies around 7 PM, and she told me that her friend's mother was picking them up and taking them home. I spoke with the mother when I dropped her off. When she wasn't home by 11, I texted the mother, and she said that her daughter told her they switched plans and I was picking them up. So I waited, and when the other mother's daughter was home by midnight, I figured my stepdaughter wouldn't be far off. I was wrong. I then kept calling my stepdaughter, but she would not answer her phone. It was a very scary couple of hours. I wanted to go look for her, but with four little ones at home, I couldn't exactly leave. I really have no idea where she was, and she won't tell me. I'm assuming she probably went to IHOP with friends, but who knows. It worries me.

My husband and his ex divorced when she was 3, and he did not see her much when she was little. He was working hard at the time, and we got married and started a family a couple years later. He still has regrets regarding her childhood, so I think by being a "cool" parent, he thinks he's making up for it now. It's tricky. He believes me, but he doesn't want to "believe" that his daughter could be doing these things. He was concerned about the curfew breaking, though.

And what's her punishment for this?

I think the time is right to sit her down, lay out the rules, and let her know that if she doesn't abide by them then she is gone. Take her phone. Take her iPad. She's grounded and not going out. When she's done she gets a fresh chance to do the right thing. Stick to your guns.

Nothing good happens after midnight!

 

[HM]

I'm so scared for a girl that is out until 2am in the morning and no one knows where she is. I can't imagine what you were going through that night.

I have no advice for you as I just don't have experience with anything like this. Just best wishes for you and your family as you work your way through this. Good luck.

 

[RadioNate]

I agree with those who asked, what is her punishment for staying out until 2 am and not telling anyone where she is?

However, I disagree with the whole "ship her back to her mother's" advice. You have a young girl who likely has abandonment issues from a dad not being around when she was little. The "he was busy working hard" is a load of crap and she knows it. ALL parents work hard and still make time to see their children. Sending her back to her mom when she becomes 'too difficult' just reinforces her deep feelings of rejection. She's looking for people who 'love' her and she's finding it at 2am with the wrong people.

She may feel that HER family wasn't good enough. Her parents divorced yet Dad was happy to go have more kids while not seeing her. Did her mom have more kids too?

No, as adults we understand that it is far more complicated than that and not black and white but she is 13 and doesn't have the maturity or life experience to understand.

Dad and Mom, and you and the step dad, all need to get on the same page and love his girl. She needs a turn around. She needs security. Being shuffled between homes because no one wants to deal with her isn't providing security.

 

[mom2rtk]

I agree with those who asked, what is her punishment for staying out until 2 am and not telling anyone where she is?

However, I disagree with the whole "ship her back to her mother's" advice. You have a young girl who likely has abandonment issues from a dad not being around when she was little. The "he was busy working hard" is a load of crap and she knows it. ALL parents work hard and still make time to see their children. Sending her back to her mom when she becomes 'too difficult' just reinforces her deep feelings of rejection. She's looking for people who 'love' her and she's finding it at 2am with the wrong people.

She may feel that HER family wasn't good enough. Her parents divorced yet Dad was happy to go have more kids while not seeing her. Did her mom have more kids too?

No, as adults we understand that it is far more complicated than that and not black and white but she is 13 and doesn't have the maturity or life experience to understand.

Dad and Mom, and you and the step dad, all need to get on the same page and love his girl. She needs a turn around. She needs security. Being shuffled between homes because no one wants to deal with her isn't providing security.

Great post!

 

[BreeBree]

I agree with those who asked, what is her punishment for staying out until 2 am and not telling anyone where she is?

Did her mom have more kids too?

She's pretty much on lock down for the next two weeks, and she owes me a 10 page book report (my own creative punishment). Except for school, she isn't allowed out of the house, nor can she use her phone or computer (unless it's for school). I take her to and pick her up from school, and I'm up a lot during the night with my DD, so she would have a very hard time getting out of this. My husband is out of the country until next Monday. He's aware of the situation, and he agreed with my punishment, but I still don't know what he would have done if he had been here. Her mother does not have any other children. My stepdaughter has had a pretty stable life: lived in the same house, same stepfather for many years, same school, etc. I just worry that in two weeks, she's going to do something worse to "show me" that I'm not her boss.
I also just want to say that I really don't believe in the whole "stepparents should not parent" thing. When I married my husband, I became this girl's stepmother as well. She may not be mine biologically, but she is the daughter of the person I love, and when her real mother is not around, it is my job to make sure she's happy.

 

[LisaR]

I know you said your husband was out of town, but did you call him multiple times from midnight to 2am letting him know his DD was missing? I hope he was as scared and worried as you were and you didn't wait until after the fact to tell him. He needs to get his head in the game.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She's pretty much on lock down for the next two weeks, and she owes me a 10 page book report (my own creative punishment). Except for school, she isn't allowed out of the house, nor can she use her phone or computer (unless it's for school). I take her to and pick her up from school, and I'm up a lot during the night with my DD, so she would have a very hard time getting out of this. My husband is out of the country until next Monday. He's aware of the situation, and he agreed with my punishment, but I still don't know what he would have done if he had been here. Her mother does not have any other children. My stepdaughter has had a pretty stable life: lived in the same house, same stepfather for many years, same school, etc. I just worry that in two weeks, she's going to do something worse to "show me" that I'm not her boss.
I also just want to say that I really don't believe in the whole "stepparents should not parent" thing. When I married my husband, I became this girl's stepmother as well. She may not be mine biologically, but she is the daughter of the person I love, and when her real mother is not around, it is my job to make sure she's happy.

If you want to take it on that is fine however my response was based on you stating your marriage was in trouble and you were ready to throw in the towel.

If you are getting burnt out and frustrated you have to give yourself a break somehow.

So my recommendation for you is to go to counseling for yourself. You need a place to vent and get some guidance that is non biased. It can really help you.

And to the bolded, that is just not realistic. You cannot "make people happy".

 

[Hillbeans]

Where was she until 2 am?
I have a 13 yr old and I always know where she is. If she goes to the movies we always know who is picking them up and when, it's part of the deal. If anything changes she texts me, if she doesn't text me she loses her phone and without her phone she doesn't go out anywhere.

I have an almost 13 YO and if he was out with friends at the movies or something my rule is that he needs to be reachable on his cell phone. If he choose to not answer if I was calling and it was after midnight, he'd lose the phone for at least a week and be grounded for being out until 2am.

Yes, this... 110%

Sorry!

I am sorry but I agree. I am divorced and struggle with guilt where my children are involved but he is the parent here and needs to step up and get his head out of the clouds. You need to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting now.

 

[sbtrfly74]

and she won't tell me. I'm assuming she probably went to IHOP with friends, but who knows. It worries me.


My husband and his ex divorced when she was 3, and he did not see her much when she was little. He was working hard at the time, and we got married and started a family a couple years later. He still has regrets regarding her childhood, so I think by being a "cool" parent, he thinks he's making up for it now. It's tricky. He believes me, but he doesn't want to "believe" that his daughter could be doing these things. He was concerned about the curfew breaking, though.

My ex tried to be the cool parent but he just had our kids every other weekend and I tried to get on the same page with him. But your situation is much different, its going to get worse with her becoming a teenager and I see her wanting to go back to mommies when things dont go her way there. It will eventually be a flip flop and her behavior has to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

As for the bolded I dont think so, then I wouldnt be letting anymore late night get together with friends if thats how she's going to treat the rules. My 13 yr old never went out by themselves to late night movies. After her disappearing until 2am she would be on a permanent lockdown after 8pm.

Dad needs to get on board, maybe have him set rules when he leaves and once one is broken she's grounded until he gets back. Might solve some of her behavior issues while he's gone.

 

[lizabu]

She's pretty much on lock down for the next two weeks, and she owes me a 10 page book report (my own creative punishment). Except for school, she isn't allowed out of the house, nor can she use her phone or computer (unless it's for school). I take her to and pick her up from school, and I'm up a lot during the night with my DD, so she would have a very hard time getting out of this. My husband is out of the country until next Monday. He's aware of the situation, and he agreed with my punishment, but I still don't know what he would have done if he had been here. Her mother does not have any other children. My stepdaughter has had a pretty stable life: lived in the same house, same stepfather for many years, same school, etc. I just worry that in two weeks, she's going to do something worse to "show me" that I'm not her boss.
I also just want to say that I really don't believe in the whole "stepparents should not parent" thing. When I married my husband, I became this girl's stepmother as well. She may not be mine biologically, but she is the daughter of the person I love, and when her real mother is not around, it is my job to make sure she's happy.

If your DH is out of the country you have no other choice as the adult in charge to take care of her. I don't know how long you've been in her life but at 13 she's going to resent you trying to parent her when she knows who her parents are. When you DH is away its your rules but once he returns I would fully expect him to take over.

As for making a 13 year old happy that would probably involve putting her in charge and letting her run things but I don't think your going to be happy living like that.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I agree you cannot "make" her happy. There may be something inside her that is keeping her from being happy though and I do believe it is the job of the adults around her to find out what that is.

As for step parents parenting, I agree with you that when you marry someone with kids you do take on the role of parent. Dh parented my sons and I thank God every day that I had him to help me.

But your husband does need to step up as her father. If he wants you to set the rules, fine, but he needs to be backing you all the way.

 

[RadioNate]

She's pretty much on lock down for the next two weeks, and she owes me a 10 page book report (my own creative punishment). Except for school, she isn't allowed out of the house, nor can she use her phone or computer (unless it's for school). I take her to and pick her up from school, and I'm up a lot during the night with my DD, so she would have a very hard time getting out of this. My husband is out of the country until next Monday. He's aware of the situation, and he agreed with my punishment, but I still don't know what he would have done if he had been here. Her mother does not have any other children. My stepdaughter has had a pretty stable life: lived in the same house, same stepfather for many years, same school, etc. I just worry that in two weeks, she's going to do something worse to "show me" that I'm not her boss.
I also just want to say that I really don't believe in the whole "stepparents should not parent" thing. When I married my husband, I became this girl's stepmother as well. She may not be mine biologically, but she is the daughter of the person I love, and when her real mother is not around, it is my job to make sure she's happy.

I'm glad she has some strong consequences. She needs to feel part of the family, equal to the other kids. I DO agree with you that step parents need to parent especially if her dad is out of town.

Your job isn't to make sure she is happy. It is to make sure that she has the tools she needs to become a productive, stable, well adjusted adult. Happiness is a bonus. Happiness is a choice and attitude. People lose sight of that, even adults.

She IS going to try to "show you" that you aren't the boss and how you react will make all the difference. Get out of the power struggle. Calmly take control because you are the adult.

You and your husband need to get on the same page and I hope HE has talked to her, even from out of the country. If he can talk to you, he can talk to HER. She needs to know that he is backing you up and vice versa.

Counseling is a good suggestion. She's craving something, attention, 'love,' acceptance you (all) need to make sure she is getting it from home and not from who ever she is with at 2am.

 

[kate_wdw]

So I waited, and when the other mother's daughter was home by midnight, I figured my stepdaughter wouldn't be far off. I was wrong. I then kept calling my stepdaughter, but she would not answer her phone. It was a very scary couple of hours. I wanted to go look for her, but with four little ones at home, I couldn't exactly leave. I really have no idea where she was, and she won't tell me. I'm assuming she probably went to IHOP with friends, but who knows. It worries me.

I agree with other posters that your husband needs to get more involved in parenting his troubled daughter. For him to ignore these problems is flat out irresponsible. It blows my mind that neither you nor her father know what a 13-year-old was doing out until 2 am. I would consider this an emergency situation. If you and her father are not capable of providing the level of supervision she needs, for her own safety, she should be returned to her mother's home. Of course, this situation could be made safe with her cooperation, but getting that is easier said than done. Family therapy could help with that, providing effective parenting strategies and opening your husband's eyes.

 

[mom2rtk]

As for making a 13 year old happy that would probably involve putting her in charge and letting her run things but I don't think your going to be happy living like that.

Yeah, that's going to get old really fast..... especially once the 13 year old sees that's what stepmom thinks.

OP, if she's with you.... and DH is gone a lot...... you are not in a position where you can see your job as making her happy. Not if you want to keep her safe.

You are in a really bad spot here. Here's hoping your DH sees the seriousness of this and gets on board. Do not let him back away when he gets home because the crisis is over for the moment. You have a very long road ahead of you. Now is the time to establish that she is not in charge.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... and when her real mother is not around, it is my job to make sure she's happy.

Please, please, PLEASE, consider finding somebody who is professional and who specializes in this kind of thing. So that you can get some guidance and assistance and input.

OMG, it is NOT a parents job to guarantee the child's happiness.
It is a parents job to, well, PARENT.

As a step-parent, especially one of a troubled teen... It is NOT your job to parent. It just isn't. It also isn't your job to appease a teenager who is going to milk that for EVERY drop it is worth, 'to keep them happy'.

You should NOT be assigning this girl a book report, OR ANYTHING ELSE. That is simply not your place, and this kind of thing will only backfire HORRIBLY.

Your job, number one, is to take care of yourself and your own younger children. Secondary to that, is ONLY to back up your husband as HE parents his teenaged child. If HE says, no cell-phone, no computer, etc... HE should confiscate these things, and your only job is to back him up and keep him informed.

There are so many red flags that are flying here.

If HIS daughter is out at 2:00 a.m., you can bet that there would be one long ongoing phone call with him.... And, I would handing this girl the phone, with him on the line, to talk to her dad the minute she stepped across the threshold... without one further word from me.

I think some counseling and advice, to give you a different perspective and to give you some more effective approaches could be very helpful.
You don't want to be caught in the middle of a Perfect Storm here. Especially as this girl gets older into her older teenaged years.

 

[luvsJack]

Since the Op's husband works out of town, I am confused at what other choice she has but to "parent"?

Step-parents can and do parent their step children. He needs to step up and back the OP, but they both need to be a parent to this child--as does her mother.

 

[Crazy4Disney72]

I agree with those who asked, what is her punishment for staying out until 2 am and not telling anyone where she is?

However, I disagree with the whole "ship her back to her mother's" advice. You have a young girl who likely has abandonment issues from a dad not being around when she was little. The "he was busy working hard" is a load of crap and she knows it. ALL parents work hard and still make time to see their children. Sending her back to her mom when she becomes 'too difficult' just reinforces her deep feelings of rejection. She's looking for people who 'love' her and she's finding it at 2am with the wrong people.

She may feel that HER family wasn't good enough. Her parents divorced yet Dad was happy to go have more kids while not seeing her. Did her mom have more kids too?

No, as adults we understand that it is far more complicated than that and not black and white but she is 13 and doesn't have the maturity or life experience to understand.

Dad and Mom, and you and the step dad, all need to get on the same page and love his girl. She needs a turn around. She needs security. Being shuffled between homes because no one wants to deal with her isn't providing security.

Excellent post! Passing this poor child back to her mother is the last thing you want to do. I cringed reading all the responses advising you to do just that. If it was a biological child who had no other home to possibly go to, you (general you) would suck it up and find a way to deal with it, why is it in any way acceptable for a stepchild not to have the same absolute right to a stable home that one's biological children have?

13 is a tough age to begin with, let alone for a child who has abandonment issues, which, if her dad left her when she was a toddler and wasn't around much, no matter how stable her mom and stepdad's marriage is, she likely does. Add to that scenario that dad has moved on with a new family, and this girl feels like a second class citizen, no wonder there are problems. She needs rules, she needs consequences. Your DH needs to be on the same page with you. Ideally all 4 of you, you and your dh and her mom and stepdad, should sit down and talk this all out, come up with a plan that hopefully involves counseling and consistent rules/consequences, but even if you can't get the other set of parents to cooperate, you and your dh need to do this. StepDD needs to see that she is worth the trouble, that you love her enough to follow through, as I'm sure you would with your own biological children.

I find it interesting that, despite saying something in your original post about doing everything you could to make her feel a part of the family, she is not included in your signature on this board. You, your dh, and your other children are, but she is not. Actions speak louder than words, and if just this one little example is indicative of your mindset regarding your stepDD, whether you realize it or not, no wonder she feels that and it is a contributing factor to her acting out.

I am not a stepparent but I am a stepchild, and I can't say enough about the benefits of family counseling. It was extremely helpful for our family. Please consider this; it will help your marriage and your relationship with all of your children, including your stepDD.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Since the Op's husband works out of town, I am confused at what other choice she has but to "parent"?

Step-parents can and do parent their step children. He needs to step up and back the OP, but they both need to be a parent to this child--as does her mother.

Sorry, in a perfect world, this might be true.

But, not realistic at all in a situation where a troubled teen girl is being left with her step-mom at this age like this.

We see what is happening, with a father who refuses to parent, and how this troubled teen reacts when she is in a position to be parented by the OP while her dad is gone.

This teen just deciding to acquiesce to the step-mom at this point.
Without any other direct and possibly professional intervention..... As Dr. Phil would say.... "How's that workin' for ya."

The OP is in a lose-lose situation.

And, anybody who excuses the dad from being responsible for his daughter because he has a job....

The DAD is the parent here.
The OP has a problem with her spouse.

The OP needs an entirely new perspective here.....

She feels like a failure because she has been expected to take on the sole responsibility for parenting her husband's troubled teen child from a previous marriage, while he seems to be able to brush off his responsibilities just so easily. She is not a failure. She has just found herself in a Lose-Lose situation.