Expecting Too Much From A Friend?

[Jeff in BigD]

One of my best friends is acting distant & I'm not quite sure what the deal is or what to do about this...


In December she & her BF (now fiance) drove from SoCal to her parents house 3 hrs away from Dallas (where we currently live). The route takes them right through Dallas. We found out, not by her telling us, but by her tagging herself at her parents place. I shot her a text asking how long they were in town & she suggested meeting halfway for lunch. She cancelled the morning of because she wasn't feeling well. The point of the trip was so BF could ask for her father's blessing, so we were bummed we couldn't meet up, but not upset.


In March our wedding RSVPs were coming in & hers was late, and marked decline. No explanation included. She sent a wedding card, stating that she wished they could they could be there, but again, no explanation why. After our honeymoon, I sent a text asking if they had set a date for their wedding (hoping she'd take the opportunity to tell me why they couldn't make it to ours). She answered that they were shooting for February 2015 & then I said "Ok keep us posted!"
Even though her response was "Will do", I suddenly felt like I was being presumptuous, expecting an invite to a wedding we might not even be invited to.


Yesterday, she tagged herself on FB at the TX state border, "On the way to see mom & dad!"
Today is my birthday & she's usually one of the first people to send a Happy Birthday message (via text or facebook), but nada. Not that this is some egregious slight, but odd from her previous behavior.


Some background:
-This is my longest running friendship, friends since Jr. High. My family adores her.

-We'd lost contact when I moved to a different state a number of years back, but she tracked me down & we'd kept pretty steady contact since.

-About a decade ago, we had a fling. We considered a relationship, but decided it wasn't the right course for us.

-She's knows Laura & adores her, she was stoked when we got engaged.

-I'd thought I might ask her to be my "best man", but opted to ask my cousin instead.

-We've met her (now) fiance & we've gone on a handful of double-dates. We like him - the feeling seems mutual.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

You're the ex. You may or may not remain friends going forward.

 

[Christine]

Couple of scenarios I"m thinking of:

-- BF (fiance) doesn't really care for you guys that much OR he does and he found out that you and friend were considering a relationship and now he's very uncomfortable with it. Rather than her tell you, she's choosing the avoidance route.

-- She's so into BF that she doesn't really want to hang out or visit with others.

 

[Hrhpd]

One of my best friends is acting distant & I'm not quite sure what the deal is or what to do about this...


In December she & her BF (now fiance) drove from SoCal to her parents house 3 hrs away from Dallas (where we currently live). The route takes them right through Dallas. We found out, not by her telling us, but by her tagging herself at her parents place. I shot her a text asking how long they were in town & she suggested meeting halfway for lunch. She cancelled the morning of because she wasn't feeling well. The point of the trip was so BF could ask for her father's blessing, so we were bummed we couldn't meet up, but not upset.


In March our wedding RSVPs were coming in & hers was late, and marked decline. No explanation included. She sent a wedding card, stating that she wished they could they could be there, but again, no explanation why. After our honeymoon, I sent a text asking if they had set a date for their wedding (hoping she'd take the opportunity to tell me why they couldn't make it to ours). She answered that they were shooting for February 2015 & then I said "Ok keep us posted!"
Even though her response was "Will do", I suddenly felt like I was being presumptuous, expecting an invite to a wedding we might not even be invited to.


Yesterday, she tagged herself on FB at the TX state border, "On the way to see mom & dad!"
Today is my birthday & she's usually one of the first people to send a Happy Birthday message (via text or facebook), but nada. Not that this is some egregious slight, but odd from her previous behavior.


Some background:
-This is my longest running friendship, friends since Jr. High. My family adores her.

-We'd lost contact when I moved to a different state a number of years back, but she tracked me down & we'd kept pretty steady contact since.

-About a decade ago, we had a fling. We considered a relationship, but decided it wasn't the right course for us.

-She's knows Laura & adores her, she was stoked when we got engaged.

-I'd thought I might ask her to be my "best man", but opted to ask my cousin instead.

-We've met her (now) fiance & we've gone on a handful of double-dates. We like him - the feeling seems mutual.

You're a guy right?

I think you answered your question in your first sentence, her BF is now her fiance.

It is not unusual for friends to back off a bit from friends of the opposite sex when they become engaged/married.

Perhaps her fiance is a bit jealous? I wouldn't take it too personally yet. Her "guy" best friend is now her fiance. Keep being available for her and once she settles in to her marriage, the friendship may rekindle. However, chances are that the friendship has run its course now they are going to be married.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

I'll bet that her DF didn't know the two of you had once had "a fling." If it was sexual and DF now knows about it, he probably doesn't want her hanging with you, married or not. Why not ask her what is up?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Oh to be young, and to feel love's keen sting.


It's not uncommon for friends of opposite sexes to drift apart somewhat once one of them gets married. This is particularly true when there is a fling involved at some point. I wouldn't take it personally.

 

[dyna]

Jeff I really don't thin it is anything personally against you other than the fact you are now married an she is going to be getting married. Remain friends from affar is you wish.

Meaning you still remember her birthday send her a nice friendly card a Christmas card, occassionally comment on her facebook account etc. Keep your end open once both of you have been married awhile maybe the friendship will redevelope.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would just ride this out.

Your friendship dynamics are going through a change with both of you guys getting married.

You could sit here and speculate any number of reasons why things are "distant" at the moment. Only way to know the truth is to ask her.

Here... I will throw out my "fantastical speculation" for grins....

She did not come to your wedding because secretly she is deep down in love with you and could not watch you get married.

 

[clutter]

-We'd lost contact when I moved to a different state a number of years back, but she tracked me down & we'd kept pretty steady contact since.

-About a decade ago, we had a fling. We considered a relationship, but decided it wasn't the right course for us.

I'm thinking that these are in reverse chronological order. Sometimes, friendships just aren't meant to continue. Honestly, I wouldn't be looking for an invite to the wedding.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Thanks for the feedback, guys!
I guess part of what added to the sting of them missing the wedding was that my second & third longest friends also flaked. Third's reason was 100% understandable & she called right away.

Second texted that he "just can't get out of work"...an hour before the wedding. He mentioned a week beforehand that he might not make it for the ceremony, I told him I understood, but would like for him to at least come to the reception afterwards & he said okay.
His work closes at 9PM, wedding party was 8PM-1AM, he no-showed altogether.

You're the ex. You may or may not remain friends going forward.

Ehh, not really an "ex" kind of situation. It was a fling that happened over ten years ago.

DW is aware of our past & is not intimidated. If DW was busy & I said that I was meeting my friend out for a drink, DW wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

Couple of scenarios I"m thinking of:

-- BF (fiance) doesn't really care for you guys that much OR he does and he found out that you and friend were considering a relationship and now he's very uncomfortable with it. Rather than her tell you, she's choosing the avoidance route.

-- She's so into BF that she doesn't really want to hang out or visit with others.

I've considered that it might be the bolded. I don't think it's the latter part, that ship sailed a long time ago & she isn't a candy-coater.

I get the second part - it's natural that when you're first in a relationship, you're expected to be incommuncato to a certain extent. I think they're past that stage though.

Perhaps her fiance is a bit jealous? I wouldn't take it too personally yet. Her "guy" best friend is now her fiance. Keep being available for her and once she settles in to her marriage, the friendship may rekindle. However, chances are that the friendship has run its course now they are going to be married.

I get that & I certainly don't expect that I would be her best friend ahead of him. It just seems strange that we (DW & I) have been demoted to casual acquaintances.

It's not uncommon for friends of opposite sexes to drift apart somewhat once one of them gets married. This is particularly true when there is a fling involved at some point. I wouldn't take it personally.

I could see that being a case if:
-Both couples weren't friends
(we went on at least ten double-dates)

-If the fling was a betrayal
(we were both single at the time)

-If the fling was over a long time period of time
(this only lasted about two weeks, ten years ago)

-If there were residual feelings
(if there is, she's got a helluva poker face)

-If the fling resulted in awkwardness
(none that DW or I feel or can detect from them)


I'm hoping it's just a phase & not that a 20+yr friendship is being tossed away over something that happened ten years ago.

Jeff I really don't thin it is anything personally against you other than the fact you are now married an she is going to be getting married. Remain friends from affar is you wish.

Meaning you still remember her birthday send her a nice friendly card a Christmas card, occassionally comment on her facebook account etc. Keep your end open once both of you have been married awhile maybe the friendship will redevelope.

Thank you. I really hope so. It just really hit me hard yesterday since I was still bummed they didn't make it to the wedding.

I would just ride this out.

Your friendship dynamics are going through a change with both of you guys getting married.

You could sit here and speculate any number of reasons why things are "distant" at the moment. Only way to know the truth is to ask her.

Here... I will throw out my "fantastical speculation" for grins....

She did not come to your wedding because secretly she is deep down in love with you and could not watch you get married.

Hahaha, thanks for the laugh.

I will probably just ride it out.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

I'm thinking that these are in reverse chronological order. Sometimes, friendships just aren't meant to continue. Honestly, I wouldn't be looking for an invite to the wedding.

Actually they are in correct chronological order:
-Went to Jr. High together in SoCal
-I moved to Dallas my freshman year of HS
-We lost contact
-My freshman year of college she tracked me down
-We maintained contact
-She came to visit me in TX (fling)
-We remained friends, maintained contact
-I moved back to SoCal & we hung out on a completely platonic level

When I started dating my DW, I actually had my friend meet her to make sure she passed the "friend's approval test."

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

Maybe one of her parents is ill, and she wants to be there. Could be a dozen reasons.

 

[CaliBear]

Maybe her fiance just can't get over it. He gave it a try, 10 double dates, and just doesn't feel comfortable with the fling, 10 years ago or not. Some people are just like that, and probably can't change.

You could ask her. It probably won't change much, but at least you'd have some closure. Or you could go the FB/Christmas card route of friendship from a distance.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well, if you think the fling isn't a reason why...

A thought on the decline:
Attending weddings is expensive. If she has frequent plans to visit her parents, that could be impacting her budget which also must pay for her wedding and honeymoon (even with fiancé/parents sharing the cost).


For a decline, I'm sorry to say that you aren't owed an explanation if the RSVP was received timely. Not all folks can attend. (For your friend, perhaps he was tired and since he already advised he may not make it perhaps be felt that was sufficient.)

Just give the relationship some space. I had been married for 11 years before I was on FB. As a personal decision, I don't have any ex boyfriends as friends except for one from middle school. It is just my personal preference.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm a little bit curious about the fact that you guys drifted apart when you moved away & that it didn't seem to bother you. It seems right now that you're most bothered they missed your wedding, even giving detail about others who didn't attend. Let it go. I'm sure it was the be all/end all to you and your wife. For other people, even people who love you and care about you, your wedding may not have been such a big deal.

As far as the friend who got off work at 9, yet didn't manage to make it to the reception? Maybe after a day at work he was exhausted & not up for heading home, getting ready to attend the reception & heading out again. Did he possibly have to work the next day also? People tend to lose all sense of rational thought when it comes to weddings. The wedding is over, let it go. Making a meal out of "snubs and slights" is silly and they only taste more stale and rancid as time goes on.

 

[usd2bmd]

Have you thought to just ask her if something has changed?

I have recently gone through something similar it feels crappy to know that a friendship is ending, but I think it would be better to know than to wonder about it.

 

[Art 1]

She no longer wants to be in contact with you or the fiancee doesn't like it. Either way just let it go, it's better that way.

 

[PleasejointheFarque]

she has.

and let her get on with her life in peace.

 

[Hrhpd]

Thanks for the feedback, guys!
I guess part of what added to the sting of them missing the wedding was that my second & third longest friends also flaked. Third's reason was 100% understandable & she called right away.

Second texted that he "just can't get out of work"...an hour before the wedding. He mentioned a week beforehand that he might not make it for the ceremony, I told him I understood, but would like for him to at least come to the reception afterwards & he said okay.
His work closes at 9PM, wedding party was 8PM-1AM, he no-showed altogether.



Ehh, not really an "ex" kind of situation. It was a fling that happened over ten years ago.

DW is aware of our past & is not intimidated. If DW was busy & I said that I was meeting my friend out for a drink, DW wouldn't even bat an eyelash.



I've considered that it might be the bolded. I don't think it's the latter part, that ship sailed a long time ago & she isn't a candy-coater.

I get the second part - it's natural that when you're first in a relationship, you're expected to be incommuncato to a certain extent. I think they're past that stage though.



I get that & I certainly don't expect that I would be her best friend ahead of him. It just seems strange that we (DW & I) have been demoted to casual acquaintances.



She tends to be pretty up-front about things. If I know her as well as think I do, that issue was discussed with him before she had us meet him the first time. And I would assume any objections he might have to seeing us again would have happened pretty quickly afterwards. I've been taking the wait & see approach, hoping that it was just new couple seclusion.



I could see that being a case if:
-Both couples weren't friends
(we went on at least ten double-dates)

-If the fling was a betrayal
(we were both single at the time)

-If the fling was over a long time period of time
(this only lasted about two weeks, ten years ago)

-If there were residual feelings
(if there is, she's got a helluva poker face)

-If the fling resulted in awkwardness
(none that DW or I feel or can detect from them)


I'm hoping it's just a phase & not that a 20+yr friendship is being tossed away over something that happened ten years ago.



Thank you. I really hope so. It just really hit me hard yesterday since I was still bummed they didn't make it to the wedding.



Hahaha, thanks for the laugh.

I will probably just ride it out.

With all the excuses you are making, it sounds like you may still have some unresolved feelings for her.

 

[rodeo65]

Eh, just part of the evolution of relationships through life. Even close ones from your late teens early 20's will ebb and flow or fade away entirely.

I am still in sporadic contact with my two best friends from high school and university - two people who I spent all of my free time with and who I knew and knew me better than anyone. 30 years later - life happened and friendships change. We can still get together and talk like we saw each other yesterday, but usually due to other commitments it's months or more between visits. We all live in the same city.

My best male friend, ever, was one I also had a few dates with, not a full fling when we were in high school. We ended up at the same university and were even house mates for a year. After graduating, we went to each others work functions together whenever we were between boyfriends or girlfriends. When he got engaged, I met her several times. He told me she was somewhat threatened by our friendship but felt getting to know me would make her feel more like my friend too and more comfortable overall. I liked her and we did have lunch a few times. I went to their wedding, and they came to mine a few years later. They had kids several years before we did and we visited back and forth a few times before we had ours. After we had our own kids life changed again; they moved further away, we were wrapped up with babies and they with school aged kids. Life just moved along.

Long winded way of saying even the best friendships can and do change, and I think in most cases slip away as new ones come along at different life stages. As a PP said, keep a casual, birthday remembering friendship and see where life takes you all.