Ending a marriage (long overdue update #55)

[Chicago526]

OP, there are simply some people in the word who believe that except in cases of abuse or repeated infidelity (emphisis on repeated), that divorce is simply never an option, the couple just needs to work harder at it. Doesn't matter that the couple aren't in love with each other anymore and that all the work in the world isn't going to change that, you're stuck with that person for ever and ever, amen. Which is fine for them, but everyone should remember that it's not right to try to force your morals on other people.

Don't let the nay-sayers get you down. Constructive critizism is one thing, I'd never suggest a person should only listen to what they want to hear. But there are some people that will never be satisfied no mater how much you explain. Those people aren't worth your time.

And for the record, I'm not directing this towards any one particular poster on this thread. These are general observations and if you see resembelance to yourself in my comments, I can't help that.

It sounds like you've made what you feel is the right decision for you. And if your husband is constantly belitteling you in front of the kids (and/or if you are doing the same to him) then really it sounds like it's for the children's best interest as well. I'm sure most people would prefer to have divorced parents that are happy rather than miserable parents who are married. Make sure they get counseling, make sure that you get counseling. Your DH should get counseling too, but obviously you have no control over that.

Good luck to you all!

 

[Mom2Nick]

OP for what it's worth I get what you are saying.

You want some emotion from him right now, some sort of a reaction that he loves you and doesn't want this. You want him to prove your feeling wrong. Instead you get content.

You are separating and he is just ok with that. You could decide to not separate and he'd be ok with that too.

At the single most critical time in your marriage when you NEED him to fight - he does not.

I get it. I think it's sad, I wish that there was a way to stop this and your marriage could be saved - but if you need emotion and feelings and he is not giving it now you will never get what you need.

 

[Took]

I think the OP and her DH have not worked on their marriage .......ever. It is sad to see marriage vows taken so lightly. OP how hard have you tried to save this marrriage? I remeber when I got married 21 years ago and the priest said, what God has joined together let no man put asunder. Till death do we part..... OP, if Jesus walked into your house right now and asked you, have you done everything you can to keep this marriage together? What would you say??

It takes two to work on a marriage. The DH does not sound like a "worker." I actually wondered (as another poster did) if he might suffer from Aspbergers, as OP said one of the kids did. I still wonder that. My great-nephew and my niece (his mom) both are afflicted and it could account for a good deal of OP's DH's "symptoms" as she describes them. Just a thought, and I'm not suggesting at all the OP is not doing the right thing. FWIW, I agree with her decision completely.

took

 

[hinodis]

It takes two to work on a marriage. The DH does not sound like a "worker." I actually wondered (as another poster did) if he might suffer from Aspbergers, as OP said one of the kids did. I still wonder that. My great-nephew and my niece (his mom) both are afflicted and it could account for a good deal of OP's DH's "symptoms" as she describes them. Just a thought, and I'm not suggesting at all the OP is not doing the right thing. FWIW, I agree with her decision completely.

took

They have not even tried counciling. I think if she told him to go he would. OP do you and your DH go to church? My best friend is married to a man that was an abusive, cheating alcoholic. She felt that God put her with this man for a reason and she never gave up on him. She was a very good wife to him. After 19 years of marriage, he finally stopped drinking and started going to church and going to counciling with her. There were many moments where she felt she may not ever be able to love him again. She stuck it out, prayed alot and is happily married now. I give her alot of credit for taking those vows so seriously. I admit I do not know what the OP's homelife is like. However, I firmly believe in my vows. Then again I am very happy in my marriage so I guess I can't relate.

 

[jbcheerchick93]

OP,

I hope you take certain posts as a grain of salt. You've made your decision. You will be fine in life. Good luck

 

[PrincessKsMom]

They have not even tried counciling. I think if she told him to go he would. OP do you and your DH go to church? My best friend is married to a man that was an abusive, cheating alcoholic. She felt that God put her with this man for a reason and she never gave up on him. She was a very good wife to him. After 19 years of marriage, he finally stopped drinking and started going to church and going to counciling with her. There were many moments where she felt she may not ever be able to love him again. She stuck it out, prayed alot and is happily married now. I give her alot of credit for taking those vows so seriously. I admit I do not know what the OP's homelife is like. However, I firmly believe in my vows. Then again I am very happy in my marriage so I guess I can't relate.

I'm just curious. Is this the same advice you would give to your own daughter? To stick it out for 19 years with an abusive, cheating drunk? And even if she was unhappy and there was no relationship to speak of, she should still stick it out because the vows she took mean more than her happiness?

 

[AlleyKat]

Reading threads such as this often leaves me wondering why certain posters within can't seem to stop "beating a dead horse"!

Control issues, the need to always be right, self-satisfaction, the inability to admit their lives aren't as "perfect" as they'd like to think they are, etc...hmmm, one of the great mysteries of the Dis!

 

[babytrees]

I'm sure her DH has known for quite sometime just how unhappy OP is. I'm also sure he really doesn't care, or he would have said something at this point. I am also sure he is happy with the way things are, or at least unwilling to change, and assumes now that OP has gotten that off her chest, things can go on as normal. How am I sure -- because I'm married to someone just like him. They don't know how to communicate and as long as they're happy, everyone else must be happy to. It's also my fault. I've threatened to leave for years, and he knows that. He also knows I haven't yet, so therefore, I'm giving the okay for things to continue the way they are. Now that you've begun the process OP, you should really consider following up. I wish you well.

I could have written this note.

I wish you well OP and PrincessKsMom.

 

[zalansky]

OP - I too, think you deserve happiness. Everyone does. Only you know what will bring that to your life. You are the one who has walked in that marriage for 14 years, and sharing your stress on a message board doesn't give others the right to attack you or your relationship they know nothing about. Losing your parents I am sure has helped you see that life is short. (I am 40 and both of mine are gone already too) This is no dress rehearsal. I am proud of you for taking the steps that you feel will make your life a better one.

 

[DebIreland]

My best friend is married to a man that was an abusive, cheating alcoholic. She felt that God put her with this man for a reason and she never gave up on him. She was a very good wife to him. After 19 years of marriage, he finally stopped drinking and started going to church and going to counciling with her. There were many moments where she felt she may not ever be able to love him again. She stuck it out, prayed alot and is happily married now. I give her alot of credit for taking those vows so seriously. I admit I do not know what the OP's homelife is like. However, I firmly believe in my vows. Then again I am very happy in my marriage so I guess I can't relate.

I hope they don't have kids. I'd hate to think what their lives would've been like.

 

[dbenlee]

The OP has come back one more time to answer these attacks (concerns) and I think it is time to lay off of her....

Her decision is made, and now is NOT the time to question or flame. Period. Just NOT appropriate.

About the kids going to camp..

Again, a lot of wrong assumptions, nasty judgements, and bleeding hearts...
I for one see no problem at all as using camp as an opportunity for this couple to hash it out and complete the logistics of a physical move....

What, would it be better for them to witness every single thing...
Every single pointed comment...
Their fathers bags being packed...
Their father getting in the car and driving off down the road..
I say 'bullmalarky'

It is not like their dad will be 'gone forever'...
Their dad can still be there and see them.
He can still be there to help explain, etc....

A divorce is probably going to be hard for these kids to understand and process, no matter how the logistics of his departure are handled.

OP: I see that you did finally pop back in....
But, really, for your own sake.... I think you should simply retreat from this thread at this point and focus on what you have ahead of you....
Needless to say, if you continue to comment, the judgemental nay-sayers will just continue to find fodder.

You do not owe then any explanation.
You do not owe them anything at all.

You know that you have my thoughts, and prayers, and best wishes!

Thanks for this post! I have spent the last 2 days catching back up with this thread and was prepared to make a statement like this (but not worded nearly as well). I find it amazing how judgmental many have been towards a woman who was just looking for a little support and not advice or condemnation. None of us have walked in her shoes no matter how similar our past situations have been.

To the OP - know that there are those of us reading this thread who support you and wish you well. It seems to me that you have a good handle on things and what needs to be done. Good luck and keep your real life friends close during these trying times, they will be invaluable support.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I could have written this note.

I wish you well OP and PrincessKsMom.

As you too babytrees. I'm sure there are many of us out there who are in less than ideal marriages. We need to support each other, especially when others just don't understand.

 

[Disney Doll]

See bold

You don't understand why someone needs support from strangers, yet you continue to provide your opinion about her situation? Oh for crying out loud, if you're going to quote my posts then at least read and comprehend them, will you. No, I do not understand why someone who thinks she is absolutely doing the right thing needs support from a bunch of Internet strangers. Based on information in her subsequent posts, her decision has been made, people who know her & her husband support her decision, she is comfortable with her decision and seems confident that life will go on. So she needs support from a bunch of Internet strangers for what??? And I'm assuming by your post count you have come across many, many other people who have looked for support from strangers, so why be so surprised? Yes, they have looked for support from starngers for things like relatives dying of cancer, sick children, family loss, pet loss, life tragedies. I can't recall too many who have essentially said "I have made a decision that I am comfortable with so now everyone support me in it".
OP has already indicated she is looking for guidance from her son's doctor, so your suggestion has already been put into play. My bad...I missed that statement...apologies OP for being repetitive. Also, you want her to find out why she remained in a loveless marriage for so long, yet you and others on this thread feel she's giving up too easily and too quickly and should stick around a little longer. I'm not sure why that's confusing. MY opinion is that she's giving up too easily. HER opinion is that she has been in a loveless marriage. Since HER opinion is ultimately the one that counts, then I think she should try and determine why she stayed in what she believes is a loveless marriage for 14 years. Until you've been in a marriage similiar to OP's don't judge. You have no idea how you would react and deal with the situation. It's easy to say "I would never" or "I would do ..." but until you're living it, don't throw stones at other people's glass houses. I guess it all boils down to "if you're going to post on a public message board then be prepared for dissenting opinions".

 

[disneymarie]

If he doesn't communicate anyway, a note isn't going to do anything.

You have to face this head on. It may even be extremely unpleasant.....but he is not responding to a note at all.

I think before you call any lawyers you need to have a sit down talk. Give him the chance to talk. If he doesnt' want to, ask if he would agree to a therapist.

I am not really sure the leap to divorce???? You have been together for 14 years and never communicated. Why not start with communication through a mediator before getting a lawyer?

Dawn

I heard an info ad on the radio one night as dh and I were driving home. A fella, maybe a doc is into kick starting marriages back up, That communication gets lost, husbands get complaciant and forget they need to woo the wife. All the things that are needed to refind each other and have a fun on the same level commicative marriage.

I wonder if maybe there is a lost passion that needs to be reunited together.
It is so easy for a man to get comfortable that he forgets that his wife is his sweetheart.

I would write another note if you are inclined and ask for a date night.

You guys are not even talking to each other how can you divorce and know it is the right thing. At least learn how to talk to each other. Otherwise you both will carry this into new relationships.

It is not an easy world alone. As you said that there is a home that neither can afford. I would consult and marital expert, take a get away night, weekend and try to rekindle before any drastic decisions as throwing money at an attorney.
If he did not talk about the note, he is not happy and feels as he is not being given an option that you have your mind made up.
You were in love , had a child, that has to be something that you need to work on before calling it quits,

Today is our 17th anniversary, and we dated 13 years as we reared our older children. We have a you mine and ours, ours is 13 now. I have known him since I was 10 years old and he was the boy next door then.
We certainly have ups and downs, complete opposites but we make each other complete.
We were 38 and 46 when we got married. I was only 23ish when I went through my divorce,

di

 

[Chancedabowsa]

I heard an info ad on the radio one night as dh and I were driving home. A fella, maybe a doc is into kick starting marriages back up, That communication gets lost, husbands get complaciant and forget they need to woo the wife. All the things that are needed to refind each other and have a fun on the same level commicative marriage.

I wonder if maybe there is a lost passion that needs to be reunited together.
It is so easy for a man to get comfortable that he forgets that his wife is his sweetheart.

I would write another note if you are inclined and ask for a date night.

You guys are not even talking to each other how can you divorce and know it is the right thing. At least learn how to talk to each other. Otherwise you both will carry this into new relationships.

It is not an easy world alone. As you said that there is a home that neither can afford. I would consult and marital expert, take a get away night, weekend and try to rekindle before any drastic decisions as throwing money at an attorney.
If he did not talk about the note, he is not happy and feels as he is not being given an option that you have your mind made up.
You were in love , had a child, that has to be something that you need to work on before calling it quits,

Today is our 17th anniversary, and we dated 13 years as we reared our older children. We have a you mine and ours, ours is 13 now. I have known him since I was 10 years old and he was the boy next door then.
We certainly have ups and downs, complete opposites but we make each other complete.
We were 38 and 46 when we got married. I was only 23ish when I went through my divorce,

di

now dat is wise counsel ya got from the PP.

know you gotta a lot of posts and a lot on your mind. don't wanna meddle , but, i'd strongly advise that you read the above again. six months of counseling / goal setting is a short amount of time to determine what you both want. and if you want out / after a try , then that's fine. i do think you owe yourself, your partner and da kids somethin. your call totally. best to ya.

 

[Renesmee]

I wasn't going to post this, because I really didn't want to bring all this up again, but I need to "tell" somebody, and if I call any of my friends or family, I will probably just start crying and not be able to stop. I HATE crying when I am trying to talk to someone.

A small update for those of you who think I should put myself out there, and guide DH to counseling, ect.

Yesterday morning, while DH was getting ready to leave for the day for a golf outing, I started to panic a little. I started thinking about what was said on this thread, and trying to fix it first. As Dh was getting his things together for his golf game, I pretended he was packing up to leave that minute, and I panicked. I realized, I don't want him to leave. Not right now anyway. Since he had one foot out the door, I didn't want to mess up his day. I composed an e-mail. I told him I don't want him to leave, that I think we need counseling to learn how to communicate. I told him I did love him, and asked him if he loved me? I told him not to try to fool himself, if he wasn't in love with me, then we needed to move on, but if he did love me.....

I made some suggestions. I suggested that he make arrangements with his mother to take the kids overnight, then he could call me at work and ask me out on a date. We could go out to eat, then find a cozy bar where we could play darts or pool. (this is what we did when we were dating) I said we could pretend it was a first date, with one big difference. (What would happen at the end of it *wink *wink)

I explained to him that I didn't need material things from him for him to be romantic. Him wanting to be with me, spend time with me away from the kids, to me that is romantic. Then I said, after we have a nice "first" date, then Monday we call a marriage counselor, and work on our problems.

All you guys saying I need to throw DH a bone, is that good? Because now I am going to tell you the result of it.

I thought he would check his E-mail when he got home at 10PM last night...he didn't. This morning, when I left for work, I almost told him to be sure to checks his e-mail, but he ran out with the kids to get donuts while I was in the shower. He checks his e-mail everyday, first thing, so I went to work, sure that he would read the e-mail shortly.

I waited all day for him to call me. I kept thinking maybe he is working on his mother and making plans...he finally calls me at 4:20pm to tell me he had just now read my e-mail. I said "OK." (waiting for him to ask me out) He then says "It's kind of late to make any plans now." I said "Ok, I guess"

He heard the phone ringing in the backround and asked if it was busy. I said yes, it was starting to get busy, I had to go. We hung up.

So, that's it...no date night tonight because obviously 4:20 in the afternoon is far too late to make dinner plans. Or bar rooms plans. (If you're thinking of childcare and his mother, maybe he thought it was too late to ask her, she takes the kids at the drop of a hat, and even if she couldn't tonight, my kids are old enough to stay home alone for a couple of hours.)

I got home around 5:15..Dh is watching tv in the bedroom, and he hasn't even come out to acknowledge I am home.

I'm not going to beg him to take me out. I am not going to beg him to talk to me. If he really wanted me to know his feelings about all this, but can't tell me, it would have been so easy for him to just repsond to my e-mail. I didn't even get a response to the e-mail.

So let this update start a new round of how I am not doing enough....

 

[Mom2Nick]

Go and have a face to face conversation with him. This email stuff needs to stop! If you truly want to give this a shot you cannot keep emailing.

He did read it and at least he called you - he didn't ignore it. Just go talk to him.

 

[Serena]

No flames. You went the extra mile and it didn't work. Now you know you tried and you can feel good about that.

Do you have any doubts now about your decision?

 

[christineann]

Renesmee, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you inner strength. I think you're amazing!

 

[sbell111]

Golly, you really need to step away from the email. He's right in the other room. Go talk to him.