Ending a marriage because of no attraction - Update pg 6

[momof2inPA]

Whether it's a husband or wife dealing with this situation. If you haven't found your spouse attractive "for years," I wouldn't blame them for wanting a separation. That's the only way the OP's friend will really know if her depression/feelings are really being caused because of a lack of attraction to her DH. Having my own children, I don't say this lightly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that many of understand that people make mistakes!
Of course we do!

I suppose my thoughts are that there is a huge gap between "I made a big mistake, and this marriage just is not going to work because of ____, ____, and ____" and just saying "Hey, I am not 'attracted' anymore".

We really do not have enough information about the couple involved.... But, I am not hearing that there are problems with control/abuse issues, fidelity issues, or financial issues, or other serious issues.

 

[momof2inPA]

We really do not have enough information about the couple involved.... But, I am not hearing that there are problems with control/abuse issues, fidelity issues, or financial issues, or other serious issues.

Don't you think that sexual issues can be enough reason to end a marriage? I do. I think the OP's friend is to be respected for not acting on her feelings up to this point.

 

[Aisling]

Don't you think that sexual issues can be enough reason to end a marriage? I do. I think the OP's friend is to be respected for not acting on her feelings up to this point.

I agree that sexual compatibility is very important in a marriage. I don't take divorce lightly, but not being sexually attracted to your partner to the point of not being comfortable anymore with sexual relations is a reason to end the marriage. Sexual health is important to mental health and self-esteem.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

To those who belive that you can't have a marriage without sex, what would you personally do if your spouse had an accident and was rendered unable to perform sexually? Would you leave the marriage?

In this instance would it matter if you were attracted to person or not? If you can't do anything...wouldn't it be better to not want to?

 

[Christine]

To those who belive that you can't have a marriage without sex, what would you personally do if your spouse had an accident and was rendered unable to perform sexually? Would you leave the marriage?

In this instance would it matter if you were attracted to person or not? If you can't do anything...wouldn't it be better to not want to?

I think plenty of people are in sexless or sexually dysfunctional marriages and they are all okay with that. I think to remain in a marriage like this, the other "payoff" has to be worth the lack of sex. Some couples can negotiate this.

As for the situation like yours, I am going to assume that if the love and devotion are still there, there are ways of achieving sexual intimacy without having to have EVERY act available?

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Gherkin, PE or another man?

One or more may be your friend's problem.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I disagree with this. There is always someone in the world who is off worse than we are, that isn't an excuse to "count our blessings".
People post about their pets that died, well, count your blessings that it's not your child that died.
People post about a restaurant experience that wasn't like that wanted it, count your blessings because at least you don't starve to death.
Yes, I "counted my blessings" that my handicap during my last WDW visit was only temporary, but that didn't make me less frustrated/ miserable/ in pain when I was there.

You and your husband are in a difficult situation, and I admire you for what you do for him. You ahve worked out something that works out for YOU. But that shouldn't be a reason for OP's friend to stay in her marriage miserable.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work for me. I want a normal, sexual marriage too. However, I took a vow of for better or worse. I couldn't live with myself if I just walked away from a man who did nothing wrong.

 

[poohandwendy]

I can't muster up sympathy for someone who married under false pretenses. (male or female) And especially, put their spouse through counselling and trying to work on a marriage while all along she wasn't being honest with him as to what was the problem. That is just cruel.

If she has any character at all, she will be honest with him, in a gentle way where she takes full responsibility for subjecting him and their child to this. He should at least know the person he is dealing with, IMHO.

So how, or even can she, tell him the real reason she is unhappy? It would break his heart.

Wow, what does she think she is doing to him now?

Think about it...your spouse knows there is something fundamentally wrong with your marriage and doesn't tell you. You just spin wheels trying to figure out what is wrong. THAT is heartbreaking.

She isn't doing him any favors, she isn't saving him from pain. She is selfishly not facing the truth because the truth reveals something inherently wrong with her, not him.

In my experience, people don't withhold the whole truth primarily to shelter the other spouse from pain, but because they get to hold the cards...they still have all of the choices because the spouse is spending all of their energy trying to figure out how they can save the marriage and make the unhappy spouse happy. If she reveals this truth about herself, that she has been lying their whole marriage, suddenly he holds the cards and decides the fate. Suddenly, he sees the real person he is dealing with, a not so nice person who has been dishonest and isn't the person he thought he married. He will learn that she never even really gave him the opportunity to decide if this marriage is really worth trying to save. If this woman is worth trying to make happy.

It's not about whether this guy is attractive or not, obviously he isn't Quasimodo (the OP clarified that it isn't that there is something wrong with him)

It's about this wife's inability to be honest in her relationship...even before the marriage started.

No one wants to know their spouse doesn't find them attractive. But imagine, they withhold that info from you and allow you to keep trying to jump through hoops for a spouse who doesn't share the same fundamental feelings? They allow you to keep trying hard to save something that they never even completely immersed themselves in anyways, from the word go. How much of a betrayal is that?

 

[SandraVB79]

Unfortunately, it doesn't work for me. I want a normal, sexual marriage too.

I'm very sorry for you and I have no idea what to do.
Well, I do have a scenario in my head, but I don't think you'll like it and it's not a real solution...

 

[Aisling]

To those who belive that you can't have a marriage without sex, what would you personally do if your spouse had an accident and was rendered unable to perform sexually? Would you leave the marriage?

In this instance would it matter if you were attracted to person or not? If you can't do anything...wouldn't it be better to not want to?

In my mind, there's a difference between being sexually attracted to your partner who is unable to have sex, and being unattracted to your partner. If the attraction is there, even marriage with someone who can't have sex can be fulfilling, because you have the feeling, and that feeling leads to warm loving even physical experiences together. There's a difference between not wanting to and not being able to.

 

[vettechick99]

Um, what happened to the post that bumped this thread back up? Strange.

 

[poohandwendy]

I dunno, it's the ghost in the machine. It happens all of the time without explanation.

 

[poohandwendy]

So, now that it's here...what ever happened with your friends situation?

 

[beattyfamily]

Um, what happened to the post that bumped this thread back up? Strange.

It was a new poster spaming/advertising their website....

 

[vettechick99]

It was a new poster spaming/advertising their website....

Ooooh, nice. Glad they got the boot...

So, now that it's here...what ever happened with your friends situation?

The situation is that the marriage is over. They went to counseling, but I don't think there was much to be saved. It's been really hard on everyone, especially him. We have him over a few times a week for dinner and I think he appreciates the support and friendship.

And their little girl is doing great. All she really understands is that mommy and daddy don't live in the same house anymore - but all else is really the same. They're giving 100% effort to ensure she is well taken care of.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for the update!

I think it sounds like a best-case-scenario, since the wife seemed to have not been commited to the marriage from early on.

I hope your friend is able to work thru this and be happy and fulfilled in his life!!!

 

[PaulaSB12]

This post seems quite interesting to me.

I have just started dating this AMAZING guy. Too good to be true, bought me 3 dozen roses on our 1st date and is respectful and wonderful etc. etc.

However I am not attracted to him one bit. There is no spark or chemistry.

Now I am 29 years old and have been treated badly by other men that I was attracted to.

I am afraid that I am going to settle with this guy because he treats me like I should be treated, but I have been trying so hard to see him as he sees me and it just isn't working.

Maybe that is what happened with her, she thought she might grow into it and you can sleep with someone you aren't attracted to, it happens quite often.

Woman deserved to be treated with respect and since she did become pregnant, she might have thought it would have grown into something more. But sometimes it just doesn't happen and now unfortunately she is stuck.

If she isn't happy she should leave the marriage, let the child stay with her father and arrange visitation why should the husband loose home and family because of her "unhappiness"

 

[Disney Doll]

Neither of us thinks telling him that is the right idea. But if it's the true cause (as it was for me - which BTW I never disclosed to him. We don't talk to this day), then she ends the marriage on a lie. KWIM?

Well, apparently she started it on a lie, if she was never attracted to him.
Why break her perfect record???

 

[Disney Doll]

I can't muster up sympathy for someone who married under false pretenses. (male or female) And especially, put their spouse through counselling and trying to work on a marriage while all along she wasn't being honest with him as to what was the problem. That is just cruel.

If she has any character at all, she will be honest with him, in a gentle way where she takes full responsibility for subjecting him and their child to this. He should at least know the person he is dealing with, IMHO.Wow, what does she think she is doing to him now?

Think about it...your spouse knows there is something fundamentally wrong with your marriage and doesn't tell you. You just spin wheels trying to figure out what is wrong. THAT is heartbreaking.

She isn't doing him any favors, she isn't saving him from pain. She is selfishly not facing the truth because the truth reveals something inherently wrong with her, not him.

In my experience, people don't withhold the whole truth primarily to shelter the other spouse from pain, but because they get to hold the cards...they still have all of the choices because the spouse is spending all of their energy trying to figure out how they can save the marriage and make the unhappy spouse happy. If she reveals this truth about herself, that she has been lying their whole marriage, suddenly he holds the cards and decides the fate. Suddenly, he sees the real person he is dealing with, a not so nice person who has been dishonest and isn't the person he thought he married. He will learn that she never even really gave him the opportunity to decide if this marriage is really worth trying to save. If this woman is worth trying to make happy.

It's not about whether this guy is attractive or not, obviously he isn't Quasimodo (the OP clarified that it isn't that there is something wrong with him)

It's about this wife's inability to be honest in her relationship...even before the marriage started.

No one wants to know their spouse doesn't find them attractive. But imagine, they withhold that info from you and allow you to keep trying to jump through hoops for a spouse who doesn't share the same fundamental feelings? They allow you to keep trying hard to save something that they never even completely immersed themselves in anyways, from the word go. How much of a betrayal is that?

This is a very wise post.