Ending a marriage because of no attraction - Update pg 6

[rkandmjsmommy]

First thing I would advice them is couple therapy or whatever it is called;

If that doesn't help, I think a divorce is the way to go. I know this sounds harsh, but they are both too young to continue a marriage in which they are both unhappy.
If there is no physical attraction, and no sex life, at some point there will be the attraction to someone else, and a sex life with someone else. If you're then trapped into a unhappy marriage... that's not a good situation.

I don't say divorce is always the solution, but if that's the way to go to a happier life for both of them...

I agree, my best friend is going thru this, NO ATTRACTION AT ALL, they are both in their 30's, and I agree they have so many years to be happy why be miserable together

 

[MELSMICE]

So does she tell him the real reason? I'm thinking she needs to talk to a therapist (not her pastor, no offense) and really get her feelings out in the open. Like y'all said, it's probably deeper than we think.

I don't think she tells him yet. I think she should speak to a therapist.

They might want to consider couples counseling also.

Hope it all works out for them.

I have a friend that divorced her DH because he felt more like a brother to her than a husband. I haven't seen her in a while but last I heard she was happily married. No kids from the first marriage - not sure about the 2nd.

 

[Galahad]

I blame the Lifetime Network................

 

[lisaviolet]

No truer words were ever spoken except 'everyithing has to be considered with great thought' should be done BEFORE you marry.

The person described in the OP should have known this very important information before she married him and then NOT married him.

For some reason I find this thread terrbily sad.

I agree. Great thought should have gone in to everything before they were married. And I too feel sad. Total agreement.

But we all make mistakes. At least I think we all do. And now great thought needs to go into what to do now. At this point. Of course, it is very sad that a child's life is going to change forever and that someone is going to be deeply hurt if her choice, after hopefully therapy herself, is to leave.

But I also think deep hurt can also come to all involved, sometimes, from feeling afraid to face things. And an unhappy home all around. I can't imagine that the husband is happy with not having regular sex either. It must be awful to perceive, through lack of sex unexplained, that someone is not sexually attracted to you.

 

[Chicago526]

Life's too short to be miserable.

They should get counseling, couple or individual (or both). If after that, they (or she) still don't feel it will work, then divorce isn't the end of the world, especially if they stay on good terms and put the child first.

They should NOT stay together only for the child. Lets look at it this way. If instead of getting married once she was pregnant, she said "I'm not in love with you, I don't want to get married" then they'd be apart and sharing custody of the child anyway, right? So if (after therapy) one or both of them don't feel like it's working, I see no reason not to split up, again so long as it's on good terms and they take care to put their child first when it comes to custody, visitation, and financial support.

 

[vettechick99]

janets, that's a tough situation that you are dealing with. I think counseling for you wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it'll kick start DH of yours to get help for himself. He can't be happy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, (physical problems aside) Hasn't it been said that 99% of sex is in the brain, not what happens IN bed, but what is happening outside of the bedroom.

I think that there are issues (other than hot sexual attraction) involved. And, to deny this and say "I don't find him 'attractive'" is just a complete cop-out.

As I am sure that others may have mentioned, 90% of what makes a good, positive, and long lasting marriage is not hormonal attraction, but emotional and psychological attraction.

I think the OP is taking the easy way out if this is her entire basis of ending her marriage. It is an easy scape-goat which absolves her of any personal responsibility. After all, we can't control who we find physically attractive... right...."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She should seek therapy first.

She obviously has issues in order to even be with a man that she doesn't find attractive.

Then once she gets her "house" in order perhaps she can let him down that way.

Imagine if she was a guy. What would we say then?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excellent post!

I want to say that, personally, I would have the EXACT same thing to say to her that I would to a guy. You picked her, you slept with her, you found her attractive enough to do that, to create an innocent life, and then to make a commitment to her and your child... It makes no sense to try to 'bail' by all of the sudden saying "she ain't hot enough...."

There are probably a lot of other issues involved.

 

[vettechick99]

First, she is not taking an easy way out or trying to bail. She confided her problems in me and has over the last few years (years!! - this is not recent) has tried to internally resolve this. She is committed to counseling for herself and couples - but she's unsure it will help. Which is why she came to me.

I think that there are issues (other than hot sexual attraction) involved. And, to deny this and say "I don't find him 'attractive'" is just a complete cop-out.

Can not agree with you there as this was the exact issue in my marriage. I loved him in every other way but the physical part. It finally broke us apart. We'd still be together now if it weren't for that (sorry DH!). Now there may be more parts to her story, but having been there, I can see how this scenario can happen.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It's definitely a tough situation she has on her hands.

 

[disykat]

Well, (physical problems aside) Hasn't it been said that 99% of sex is in the brain, not what happens IN bed, but what is happening outside of the bedroom.

I think that there are issues (other than hot sexual attraction) involved. And, to deny this and say "I don't find him 'attractive'" is just a complete cop-out.

As I am sure that others may have mentioned, 90% of what makes a good, positive, and long lasting marriage is not hormonal attraction, but emotional and psychological attraction.

I think the OP is taking the easy way out if this is her entire basis of ending her marriage. It is an easy scape-goat which absolves her of any personal responsibility. After all, we can't control who we find physically attractive... right...."

ITA. They have a child, they don't get to take the easy way out IMO. Divorce happens, but I couldn't look my children in the eye if I didn't feel I'd done my best to keep their family together.

I'd guess there are a lot of sexual encounters that happen only because that person happens to be handy, and a lot of them are in marriages. Honestly, sometimes you just have to work with what you have. It doesn't take a great deal of attraction for the mechanics to work, so I agree there's more going on here.

If it were my friend I'd say think about all the good stuff and what you'd be missing and get yourself to a counselor to see if you can work it out!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Imagine if she was a guy. What would we say then?

There is actually a woman on this board that this happened to. Unless she wants to jump in, I won't bring her name into it.

But....the husband pretty much came home and said

"know what? I'm just not that into you anymore. In fact, in spite of all these kids that are running around here, I really haven't ever been all that into you. Ooops. My Bad. Sorry about that."

and yep. People were NOT just "awwww poor man, what a tough situation. Well he does need to be happy for the rest of his life."

 

[Alex2kMommy]

Well, (physical problems aside) Hasn't it been said that 99% of sex is in the brain, not what happens IN bed, but what is happening outside of the bedroom.

I think that there are issues (other than hot sexual attraction) involved. And, to deny this and say "I don't find him 'attractive'" is just a complete cop-out.

As I am sure that others may have mentioned, 90% of what makes a good, positive, and long lasting marriage is not hormonal attraction, but emotional and psychological attraction.

I think the OP is taking the easy way out if this is her entire basis of ending her marriage. It is an easy scape-goat which absolves her of any personal responsibility. After all, we can't control who we find physically attractive... right...."

I agree with much of this. Most of what makes a long, healthy relationship is not sexual, that is only one (important) piece. Most of our sexual attraction to another person is mental. There are people who married having never met and went on to have very loving long term relationships. There are people who, for whaver reason, can't have physical sex, but also have very loving (and sexual) relationships. And sometimes the issue in the marriage isn't the real issue anyway. There are any number of reasons why she isn't attracted to him, most of which have nothing to do with him or her perception of him, but her perception of herself.

I would hope she would seek counseling for herself, especially since they have a child together. A counselor can help her work through her issues, and may additionally request that she and her DH see a marriage counselor. If the marriage can be saved, I think they'd all be better off for the counseling. She will certainly be better off, and even if the marriage can't be saved, counseling can help her handle the break-up in a more healthy way.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

Okay. This hits a nerve for me. As I have posted on here, my DH is physically handicapped and now severely burned. I have to care for him completely. Many of the things I have to do for him make me literally gag. Needless to say, there is not much in the way of a sex life between us.

Am I allowed to bail - leaving him helpless and alone - because I'm just not attracted to him? He's burned and he can't shower so he stinks to high heaven. I can barely force myself to get in bed with him at night.

I'm so sorry she's "not attracted". There are people in the world with real problems. She needs to count her blessings.

 

[noseybuddy]

It isn't just looks that make someone attractive to you, it's who they are, things they do and say, etc. As we grow older, some people change and some don't. Some for the better and some for the worse. I am thinking that it is not just his physical appearance but also something else that makes her feel this way. Yes she had sex with him, she is human. Yes they have a child. But I don't think you should stay in a marriage just for the children. Sometimes it does more harm than good. I have seen this happen. If two people living together are not happy it will have an affect on the child, not necessarily a good one. It might be better for everyone if they do divorce. JMO

 

[Wishing on a star]

It isn't just looks that make someone attractive to you, it's who they are, things they do and say, etc.

Exactly....
In no way is it as simple as "I am just not physically attracted (turned on) by him". That has been the point of my earlier post.

If she feels so un-attracted by him. Then, there is a reason that involves other parts of their relationship.

I could hardly believe the number of people who posted that she should not tell him. That she should possibly just up and file for divorce and never tell him!!!!

They are a married couple!!! They should be as one... I am not saying that she should just refuse to have an intimate relationship with him and say something completely horrible and disrespectful like "You suck in bed".

But, if it is, in her opinion, easier to just walk away from a marriage and her child's father, than it is to say "Hey, I don't feel like we are connecting like we should." And then ask if he would be willing to talk to somebody (a professional) about it... Then, YES, something is wrong in their relationship. And, clearly, it isn't just the fact that she feels that she should be more physicaly attracted to him. This possibly shows a complete lack of communication and commitment and a lot of other things.

The fact that he doesn't make her 'hot' is not their biggest problem.

It usually takes two to tango... She has been a willing partner...
I agree with the earlier comment that she needs to look inside herself and ask 'why'.

 

[Kimickey]

I agree, my best friend is going thru this, NO ATTRACTION AT ALL, they are both in their 30's, and I agree they have so many years to be happy why be miserable together

I totally agree. I was married for 7.5 years, before divorcing two years ago. Long story short: xH and I got married when I was 20 I was 8.5 months pregnant with my DD9 at the time. He asked me to marry him 3 times before I said I would. In between those 7.5 years we had a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs. I was never attracted to him, I was young at the time and didnt know what it took to make myself happy first and I thought someone else could. WRONG! I was misberable and so was he, not to mention he was mentally abusive and a habitual liar so that made life in our household very uncomfortable. We argued constantly. So you know our sex life was null and void! Though I tried very hard to make the best of the situation (because we were married) I just couldnt bring myself to being in that marriage and living in misery for the rest of my life.

When I finally was able to tell him I wanted a divorce and the moment he left the house. I felt the biggest weight lifted off of my shoulders, because I knew I was going to be starting my new life, learning how to make me ultimately happy, and learning how to love someone else by sharing the love I have for myself. I also felt like we were young enough to cut the ties and start over with somone else, and there was zero reason to live in misery for two children.

Let me tell you, the past two years have been the happiest times in my life so far. I really know what lifes like to live absolutely HAPPY!!!! I feel so good about me, and I absolutely love me. Everybody around me can see the difference as well.

I can say this...there is no reason for your friend to live an unhappy life. I say she exhaust all her options and then make her ultimate decision and trust me I can guarantee she already knows what she wants to do I did, 2 weeks after I got married!

 

[SandraVB79]

No truer words were ever spoken except 'everyithing has to be considered with great thought' should be done BEFORE you marry.

The person described in the OP should have known this very important information before she married him and then NOT married him.

For some reason I find this thread terrbily sad.

Sure, all considerations should be made before the wedding, but sometimes people make mistakes. That's part of being human, we are not perfect. Well, most of us are not, I am not either.
It doesn't matter NOW what should have been done THEN, because it is how it is and can't be changed now.

Okay. This hits a nerve for me. As I have posted on here, my DH is physically handicapped and now severely burned. I have to care for him completely. Many of the things I have to do for him make me literally gag. Needless to say, there is not much in the way of a sex life between us.

Am I allowed to bail - leaving him helpless and alone - because I'm just not attracted to him? He's burned and he can't shower so he stinks to high heaven. I can barely force myself to get in bed with him at night.

I'm so sorry she's "not attracted". There are people in the world with real problems. She needs to count her blessings.

I disagree with this. There is always someone in the world who is off worse than we are, that isn't an excuse to "count our blessings".
People post about their pets that died, well, count your blessings that it's not your child that died.
People post about a restaurant experience that wasn't like that wanted it, count your blessings because at least you don't starve to death.
Yes, I "counted my blessings" that my handicap during my last WDW visit was only temporary, but that didn't make me less frustrated/ miserable/ in pain when I was there.

You and your husband are in a difficult situation, and I admire you for what you do for him. You ahve worked out something that works out for YOU. But that shouldn't be a reason for OP's friend to stay in her marriage miserable.

It isn't just looks that make someone attractive to you, it's who they are, things they do and say, etc. As we grow older, some people change and some don't. Some for the better and some for the worse. I am thinking that it is not just his physical appearance but also something else that makes her feel this way. Yes she had sex with him, she is human. Yes they have a child. But I don't think you should stay in a marriage just for the children. Sometimes it does more harm than good. I have seen this happen. If two people living together are not happy it will have an affect on the child, not necessarily a good one. It might be better for everyone if they do divorce. JMO

My parents have problems in their marriage, since many years. They "cope" with it. Sometimes I wish they would have divorced. There are more and more situations at home that make me feel so sad, because I can see that they don't like each other anymore. There are "fights" (no, they don't throw pots and pans to each other, it are more suppressed fights, frustrations that explode, ...) and it basically makes life miserable for everyone at home: them, me, my brothers.

I pseronally think children are better off spending time in two happy households than in one miserable household.
And your better off happy alone than miserable together.

 

[beattyfamily]

Sure, all considerations should be made before the wedding, but sometimes people make mistakes. That's part of being human, we are not perfect. Well, most of us are not, I am not either.
It doesn't matter NOW what should have been done THEN, because it is how it is and can't be changed now.

Some mistakes (like this one) could be avoided if they get married for the right reasons. IMHO, not being attracted to someone should be easily figured out before marriage.

This thread is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high in our country.

 

[SandraVB79]

Some mistakes (like this one) could be avoided if they get married for the right reasons. IMHO, not being attracted to someone should be easily figured out before marriage.

This thread is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high in our country.

It's not only in the US, we have the same problem.
To me, it seems they got married because she was pregnant. One can wonder why get pregnant before getting married, yada yada yada, but to me, being pregnant/ having a child is not a good reason to get married. Having children is IMO also not a reason to not divorce (REMARK: I am NOT saying that everyone who ahs children has to divorce! )

Many people get married (young) for a wrong reason: because they are pregnant, because they want to have sex (and believe they should only do that when married), because they are looking for comfort/ father figure/ a warm family/ something they never had, because they THINK they love the other, because they think the other loves them, ...
I don't think that nowadays more people make a wrong choice in getting married as before. The only difference now is that they do something about it, mostly because they have the means for it.

When I compare my situation to my grandmother's: she never had a (real out of the house) job, didn't get a proper education (because of the war), had 6 children in 7 years, ... There was just no way she could have left my grandfather (in case she had wanted to). They had to work things out, live with teh situation they were in.
I am not married yet and don't have children yet, but I have a good college education, have a good job, make decent money, ... I know I'll be able to look after my children if I ever end up alone with them. There are many things my grandmother had to accept from my grandfather (mostly in the I-am-the-man-of-the-family-and-my-will-is-law sense) that I will never accept from my SO.