Ending a marriage because of no attraction - Update pg 6

[helloirishkitty]

I am afraid that I am going to settle with this guy because he treats me like I should be treated, but I have been trying so hard to see him as he sees me and it just isn't working.

Maybe that is what happened with her, she thought she might grow into it and you can sleep with someone you aren't attracted to, it happens quite often.

I've been in relationships like this before, where you think you can love someone enough that you can eventually be physically attracted to them. Maybe she thought she would never do any better? Maybe she wanted to work it out for the sake of her baby? Either way, she still is very young, and if counseling doesn't work, getting out doesn't seem like a bad option. It's not fair for her husband to be with someone that doesn't love him as much as he loves her.

 

[Christine]

So does she tell him the real reason?

Not yet.

She needs to absolutely wait until she decides what to do. If she tells him, yet they make some attempt to stay together, he will forever be doubting whether she really loves him, whether he can trust her, etc.

If and when she does decide to end the marriage, I think she owes it to him to be honest.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think telling him that she find him unattractive would be downright cruel.

 

[Barbossa]

As a friend, I'd be bluntly asking her just how she got pregnant if she doesn't find the guy attractive. Why was she sleeping with someone she doesn't find attractive?

To get pregnant, that's why.

To quote Billy Crystal: "Women need a reason to have sex. Men only need a place."

 

[Christine]

I think telling him that she find him unattractive would be downright cruel.

Okay, maybe I'm missing the point here? I'm not getting that she thinks her husband is *ugly* or that he is physically unattractive. I'm reading that she no longer feels sexually attracted to him. There's a BIG difference there. She's saying that she is not attracted to him in a way that a woman should be attracted to her spouse. That's not the same as telling him he's unattractive.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think telling him that she find him unattractive would be downright cruel.

I don't think she said that she finds him unattractive, but instead is not attracted to him - totally different. I've been very attracted to men that weren't very attractive - just some kind of chemistry - and been unattracted to some very attractive men.

 

[JR6ooo4]

So does she tell him the real reason? I'm thinking she needs to talk to a therapist (not her pastor, no offense) and really get her feelings out in the open. Like y'all said, it's probably deeper than we think.

When we got married the priest (during the ceremony) asked the guests what makes a good marriage. He prefaced it with "What makes a good marriage? I can not tell you. How would I know?"


Mikeeee

 

[Kath2003]

The problem is: you have to find your partner sexually attractive - that's the difference between a marriage and a close friendship.

I would suggest that she tries to put a "spark" back into her relationship...if you get my drift...

 

[lisaviolet]

I think telling him that she find him unattractive would be downright cruel.

I absolutely agree. It would be cruel. And unnecessary. I don't think it should be expressed that way. Truth doesn't always need to be so blunt.

Also, I wonder if it really isn't about unattractive anyway. Is it a lack of attraction? To me that's different. In my case looks are important but the connection, especially mental, is the thing. And I mean that in a sexual attraction sense. It is just there or it isn't IMO.

Plus, what's attractive to one is not to another of course.

Also, I don't see this as a case of a marriage that has lost its spark. That's different. And should be worked on for sure. I think she's stating that there never really was a spark. Totally different story. People can deny that and go forward. I'm sure that happens lots of time.

I also think although it would hurt immensely that her husband deserves to be in a relationship where someone thinks he is "the greatest thing on earth". We all do. In general terms of course not every minute of a marriage/relationship.

 

[lisaviolet]

I don't think she said that she finds him unattractive, but instead is not attracted to him - totally different. I've been very attracted to men that weren't very attractive - just some kind of chemistry - and been unattracted to some very attractive men.

A faster typist!! Exactly what my wordy post was trying to say.

 

[janets]

It's a hard thing to live like this. Sometimes it happens when you get married young, or for the wrong reasons, or just because.

I was 33 when I met my husband. I had been married and divorced (xH cheated on me for a year before I found out) and when we first met and started dating, we were very compatible. However, he has always had a "problem" which makes for very looooong sessions in bed. Now that might sound attractive to some of you, exciting even, but let me tell you, it's not. After a while, it's uncomfortable, and it hurts and if it doesn't stop, an infection is bound to occur. Okay, TMI!

Fast forward 12 years, 2 kids and a bunch of life stuff in between. At this point, there is absolutely no sex life between me and dh. None. Can't remember the last time (we have been in our current house 4.5 years and I don't think we've ever had sex in this house). He is aware of the problem, I have told him that he needs to contact his dr and ask about it, he's not the only man probably with this issue, that's what a dr is for, and that he needs to see if there is anything that can be done to "move things along" so to speak. On top of that, I harbor a lot of resentment and anger for other "life" issues that occurred when our second child was born and the year following that. I have never been able to let go of those feelings, partially because I'm still dealing with the fall out from them. Add in the other issue and it's a recipe for the lack of a sex life.

So has he done anything? No. He's never called a dr, doesn't seem to want to do anything about it (maybe he's embarrassed or whatever, but frankly, I'm not calling his dr to tell him this or telling my ob/gyn about it...what is she supposed to do?). So we go on like this.

Okay totally off tangent there, but I want you to understand that there are many reasons that a woman is not attracted to her husband sexually anymore. She stated she never really was, but face it, at 22 many of us had sex with a man that we might not have been bonkers for. For whatever reason. And she found herself pregnant and since she had feelings for him, thought that they could make a go of it. Now, 4 or 5 years later, not only is she not attracted to him physically, but now every single thing he does that pisses her off is magnified and frankly, she's really unhappy and sees divorce as the only way out. Is it? I don't know. I have been advised to get counselling but my husband has a physical/medical issue that is part of the problem. Counselling is not going to fix that. And since he has shown no interest in getting any help for it, I guess I'm not motivated to do anything either.

I guess your friend needs to decide what she really wants out of her life. For that, individual counselling might help her. She might discover how she sees the rest of her life and decide if being with her husband is part of that future. If yes, then they try to work it out. If not, then they part ways, always having their daughter as a connection.

Vettechick, I can only wish her luck.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Tell her to wait ten years and she won't even care if she's attracted to him!

I would never tell someone that they should inform their spouse that they aren't sexually attracted to them. That's just cruel.

I have no answer for what she ought to do, but if it were my friend, I'd advise her to stick it out and give it time. There is a child to think about and that's more important than her sex life.

 

[lisaviolet]

There is a child to think about and that's more important than her sex life.

I disagree. Sex is very important. And don't misjudge my post. In no way do I think sex is more important than a child's wellbeing. Ever. Everything has to be considered with great thought.

 

[Christine]

I would never tell someone that they should inform their spouse that they aren't sexually attracted to them. That's just cruel.

So when she decides to end the marriage, what's she supposed to say? "Ah, I don't feel like being married anymore?...or...we don't get along (when they seem to get along okay).

I think when you are ending a marriage, you've got to be honest with the other partner. She can't just make stuff up. She already knows she wasn't "over the moon" about them when the marriage started and it hasn't gotten any better. When she's sure she wants out of the marriage, she needs to fess up about it and take the blame for it. It is not his fault and he doesn't have any glaring flaws. She needs to tell him that, while she thinks he's a great person and father, that she doesn't feel compatible with him, emotionally and physically and that the marriage isn't doing either one of them any good.

 

[beattyfamily]

Everything has to be considered with great thought.

No truer words were ever spoken except 'everyithing has to be considered with great thought' should be done BEFORE you marry.

The person described in the OP should have known this very important information before she married him and then NOT married him.

For some reason I find this thread terrbily sad.

 

[Camicar]

To get pregnant, that's why.

The pregnancy was unplanned, so...

I guess what it comes down to is, I personally cannot imagine mistaking new relationship lust for attraction to a real live person, an individual. Then again, I actually don't even grasp this notion you all are speaking of that is "new relationship lust." I just don't understand why you'd go on more than 2 dates with someone for whom you felt no spark, so I don't understand how you get to the point of a relationship.

But the truth is, it doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what this guy is going to think when he finds out he's wasted some important years of his life on a woman who doesn't want him and so far hasn't even had the guts or respect for him to tell him the reason why (or a reasonable facsimile of the reason why) they separated. She's wasting his time and she should cut him loose so he can find a woman who will actually want him.

 

[Cool-Beans]

So when she decides to end the marriage, what's she supposed to say? "Ah, I don't feel like being married anymore?

Yup. That would certainly be better.

...or...we don't get along (when they seem to get along okay).

I think when you are ending a marriage, you've got to be honest with the other partner. She can't just make stuff up. She already knows she wasn't "over the moon" about them when the marriage started and it hasn't gotten any better. When she's sure she wants out of the marriage, she needs to fess up about it and take the blame for it. It is not his fault and he doesn't have any glaring flaws. She needs to tell him that, while she thinks he's a great person and father, that she doesn't feel compatible with him, emotionally and physically and that the marriage isn't doing either one of them any good.

Honesty is wildly over-rated. You can, as you say, "take the blame" for ending the marriage without telling the man you are married to that you aren't attracted to him.

I don't think a person should end a marriage (especially when there are children involved) over something like this. There is no "unless I'm sexually unfufilled" coming after that "for better or for worse." You made the deal and created the child. You stick it out for better and for worse.

But if she is going to leave, she can tell him she doesn't love him and can't stay married to him without adding the part about not finding him sexually desirable.

You don't have to include every single thing that will hurt someone just because you want to be so brutally honest. IMO, it doesn't make you a better person to be that honest, it makes you a meaner one. If you're going to leave, do it as nicely as you possibly can, sparing the other person's feelings as much as possible.

 

[vettechick99]

When we got married the priest (during the ceremony) asked the guests what makes a good marriage. He prefaced it with "What makes a good marriage? I can not tell you. How would I know?"


Mikeeee

Ha! Not that they don't have some skills in counseling, but they are not licensed therapists. I would rather her see a therapist.

Neither of us thinks telling him that is the right idea. But if it's the true cause (as it was for me - which BTW I never disclosed to him. We don't talk to this day), then she ends the marriage on a lie. KWIM?

Camicar, when I was younger I dated guys I wasn't crazy attracted to. A guy shows you some attention and when you are young, that in itself is attractive. Now that I have gotten older and know what I want and what will make me happy in life, I know better than to date someone I don't find hot. It happens - we all make compromises and this was one that she made. What was a minor issue back then is a huge one now.

 

[Christine]

I guess what it comes down to is, I personally cannot imagine mistaking new relationship lust for attraction to a real live person, an individual. Then again, I actually don't even grasp this notion you all are speaking of that is "new relationship lust." I just don't understand why you'd go on more than 2 dates with someone for whom you felt no spark, so I don't understand how you get to the point of a relationship.

Speaking from a bit of experience here...

When I was 18 and 19, I was pretty clueless with relationships. I realize that MANY people are much more mature, but I was not at that age. Not at all.

I would have boyfriends that I was extremely passionate about...for three months and then I felt not much at all. This happened two or three times and, to some degree, in my current relationship.

The things you do when you are in your teens or early 20s, are necessarily the maturest things on the planet. When it comes to relationships, many men and woman are downright immature and they don't develop those skills until much later.

This doesn't happen to everyone of course and by what you have stated, didn't happen to you. But it does happen to some people and I believe it is a maturity issue and not knowing who you are. Kudos to those who recognize these traits in themselves and can avoid getting caught up in mistakes. But there will always be people who are going to be a bit more reckless or impulsive, whatever you want to call it. The same behaviors can be seen in younger drivers, people using alchohol or drugs, etc. Well, it happens with relationships. Maybe this girl is finally maturing and now she's seeing the mistake she made.

This is why I think it is SO important for her to go, on her own, to a couselor. She needs to make sure she knows what she's doing about this marriage and she needs to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

 

[Christine]

But if she is going to leave, she can tell him she doesn't love him and can't stay married to him without adding the part about not finding him sexually desirable.

You don't have to include every single thing that will hurt someone just because you want to be so brutally honest. IMO, it doesn't make you a better person to be that honest, it makes you a meaner one. If you're going to leave, do it as nicely as you possibly can, sparing the other person's feelings as much as possible.

I guess I'm reading more into the OP's post. To me, this is not ALL about sexual attractiveness, although that is one side effect of the mismatched relationship. And I didn't suggest that she use the specific words of sexual attractiveness. Not at all, that would be kind of crass. I do think she needs to tell him that she doesn't feel for him the way a woman should for a man. Without saying it, the sexual issues are covered.