Do your kids under age 13 use Facebook?

[SaraJayne]

A principal in NJ recently sent this home with all the middle school kids at his building. I think it's GREAT and sums up my feelings on kids and Facebook (and Myspace, etc):

"Anthony Orsini, the principal at Benjamin Franklin Middle School in Ridgewood, New Jersey. He recently sent the following email to all parents of children attending his school:

Dear BF Community:
When I arrived in Ridgewood, Facebook did not exist, YouTube did not exist, and MySpace was barely in existence. Formspring (one of the newest Internet scourges, a site meant simply to post cruel things about people anonymously) wasn’t even in someone’s mind.

In 2010, social networking sites have now become commonplace, and technology use by students is beyond prevalent.

It is time for every single member of the BF community to take a stand!

There is absolutely no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site!

Let me repeat that - there is absolutely, positively no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site! None.

5 of the last 8 parents who we have informed that their child was posting inappropriate things on Facebook said their child did not have an account. Every single one of the students had an account.

3 students yesterday told a guidance counselor that their parents told them to close their accounts when the parents learned they had an account. All three students told their parents it was closed. All three students still had an account after telling their parents it was closed.

Most students are part of more than one social networking site.

Please do the following: sit down with your child (and they are just children still) and tell them that they are not allowed to be a member of any social networking site. Today!

Let them know that you will at some point every week be checking their text messages online! You have the ability to do this through your cell phone provider.

Let them know that you will be installing Parental Control software so you can tell every place they have visited online, and everything they have instant messaged or written to a friend. Don’t install it behind their back, but install it!

Over 90% of homework does not require the Internet, or even a computer. Do not allow them to have a computer in their room. There is no need.

Know that they can text others even if their phone doesn’t have texting capability, either through the computer or through their iPod Touch.

Have a central “docking system,” preferably in your bedroom, where all electronics in the home get charged each night, especially anything with a cell or with wi-fi capability (remember when you were in high school and you would sneak the phone into your bedroom at Midnight to talk to your girlfriend or boyfriend all night - now imagine what they can do with the technology in their rooms).

If your son or daughter is attacked through one of these sites or through texting, immediately go to the police! Insist that they investigate every situation. Also, contact the site and report the attack to the site - they have an obligation to suspend accounts, or they are liable for what is written.

We as a school can offer guidance and try to build up any student who has been injured by the social networking scourge, but please insist the authorities get involved.

For online gaming, do not allow them to have the interactive communication devices. If they want to play Call of Duty online with someone from Seattle, fine. They don’t need to talk to the person.

The threat to your son or daughter from online adult predators is insignificant compared to the damage that children at this age constantly and repeatedly do to one another through social networking sites or through text and picture messaging.
It is not hyperbole for me to write that the pain caused by social networking sites is beyond significant. It is psychologically detrimental and we will find out it will have significant long-term effects, as well as all the horrible social effects it already creates.

I will be more than happy to take the blame off you as a parent if it is too difficult to have the students close their accounts, but it is time they all get closed and the texts always get checked.

I want to be clear - this email is not anti-technology, and we will continue to teach responsible technology practices to students. They are simply not psychologically ready for the damage that one mean person online can cause, and I don’t want any of our students to go through the unnecessary pain that too many of them have already experienced.

Some people advocate that the parents and the school should teach responsible social networking to students because these sites are part of the world in which we live.

I disagree. It is not worth the risk to your child to allow them the independence at this age to manage these sites on their own, not because they are not good kids or responsible, but because you cannot control the poor actions of anonymous others.

Learn as a family about cyber safety together at www.wiredsafety.org for your own knowledge. It is a great site. But then do everything I asked in this email - because there really is no reason a child needs to have one of these accounts.

Please take action in your own home today.

Sincerely,

Anthony Orsini
Principal, BFMS

If a letter like this ever came home, the first place it'd go would be the round file. And then a phone call would be made telling the principal to mind his own business and let ME parent MY child.

 

[kirstenb1]

My 12 yr old has Facebook. She doesn't have a cel phone so this is a way for her to communicate with friends. I'm her friend, and was surprised at how many kids at her school were "friends". It's hard to know where to draw the line with all this new technology. We don't want dd to be the only kid without it, but it's so prevalent, it makes me nervous at the same time.

 

[moon]

I have a niece who is nine yrs old and on facebook. Her birthdate is listed as being sometime in the 80's (!).

I think this is wrong in so many levels, but I'm not close enough to her mom to say anything (not that she'd listen).

So far all she likes to do is play the games, but what if in a year or two she starts to look for more and more "friends". She has no one her age to add, so everyone she's friended so far is older.

This is just a recipe for trouble.....

 

[Scurvy]

Nope, terms of service say 13
Rules are Rules.

When DD is 13 she knows it is something that is open for discussion but will not automatically be granted.

For the record, I have a FB account and I love it, but I'm not 11!

My thoughts exactly.

The terms of service state you must be 13 to use Facebook. I'm not going to teach my child that he can lie about his age to use a service if he wants to, because I won't have a leg to stand on later when I catch him driving before he's 16 or when he sneaks into a bar or starts drinking before he's 21. ( I can hear it now - "But mom, you told me I could lie to Facebook! Why can't I lie now?" ) I'm not going to encourage or allow such behavior. I don't feel that would be very good parenting on my part.

 

[SmallWorld71]

If a letter like this ever came home, the first place it'd go would be the round file. And then a phone call would be made telling the principal to mind his own business and let ME parent MY child.

Unfortunately, too many parents aren't parenting. Sounds to me like this principal is doing the right thing and trying to protect his students. There is huge public outcry over the administrators and teachers who did nothing to stop cyberbullying and other bullying in South Hadley, MA which caused a teen to take her life. Charges and being considered against them. Yet, you want to yell at a principal who is taking this type of stuff seriously. I applaud this principal for putting the students first!

 

[grumpeeduck]

If a letter like this ever came home, the first place it'd go would be the round file. And then a phone call would be made telling the principal to mind his own business and let ME parent MY child.

At least the Principal is setting an EXAMPLE........................one that you as a parent should set for your child........

 

[BelleRocks]

DD-13 doesn't have one yet/ she hasn't asked, and most of her BFFs have one. I know that most disers kids are saints, but my DD is a little immature and occasionally has diarrhea of the mouth. It's bad enough to hear some of the things she says, I certainly don't want it out there forever in cyberspace.

I told her that she can get one when she's 15, hoping that some level of maturity will have come to her tongue by that time. And when she does get one, being her friend isn't that important to me - having her password is. If I were her friend, she could always block certain things from me. Having the password allows me to see everthing (even private messages). And yup, I don't give a flying fig about her right to privacy at this age -she's a teenager with a teen brain. I luv the heck out of her, and we are close, but I don't believe for one minute that she tells me absolutely everything (good and bad) that goes on. So, spy I will. Flame away!

It's not about "not trusting them". It's about them being young and inexperienced with only partially developed brains. My DD got email at 10. She sent a picture to her friend of a boy that she had drawn horns, mustache, etc. on because it was funny and she loves to play in paint and photoshop. (No bad intent, she is friends with this boy, she does this to pics of the cat.)

I had to explain to her that once at item goes out into cyberspace, you have no control over it, it could get passed all around and even back to the boy. She was horrified that something she did like that could get back to someone and hurt them. The point being....she just didn't think - and didn't have a complete understanding of how the internet works, and how it impacts social interaction. She is learning, but that takes time.

So FB??? Not for awhile....and definitely not before 13.

And, kudos to that principal...at least he's trying, and at least he cares about the kids... Sounds like he can't win. :-(

 

[dislaney]

Mine didn't get them until they were the proper age. I do see lots of kids on there that are no where near old enough to have one.

 

[Terry36]

Unfortunately, too many parents aren't parenting. Sounds to me like this principal is doing the right thing and trying to protect his students. There is huge public outcry over the administrators and teachers who did nothing to stop cyberbullying and other bullying in South Hadley, MA which caused a teen to take her life. Charges and being considered against them. Yet, you want to yell at a principal who is taking this type of stuff seriously. I applaud this principal for putting the students first!

Ditto.

 

[5lilfish]

My 10, 11 and 12 yr old all have FB. I have their passwords and I log on as each of them every night. That was the agreement. I look at everything they post on other people's pages and I see what has been posted on theirs. They are not allowed to delete anything (and I would know because we have spy-ware on the computers).

While there are negatives to FB, I have found a few positives too. For one, my kids seem to be very naive. Because of that, I was not aware of some of the things happening at their age level. I did not know how common dating was in 7th grade (my 12 yr old just isn't there yet, thankfully). FB has opened my eyes to some of the things that I need to discuss with my kids. I also did not know that these kids were going in big groups to the movie theaters. Now that I have read some of what happens during these group movies, I am glad my kids are not part of this yet. When and if they do ask to go with a group of friends to the movies, I know a few rules that I will have in place.

I also love that my kids can chat with cousins and other relatives that they only get to see a few times a year.

Jess

 

[georgina]

I let my DD get a FB page when she went to high school. Teachers do not post assignments on FB, they go on Blackboard. If FB was required for a class, I would be speaking to the school board and getting that stopped. Things like club meeting announcements, sports team info, etc, do circulate on FB, and that is one reason I let her do it at 14. For example, I needed her to let her team know they should stay after school to make posters before practice, and she got the message out easily on FB. It is a major time waster though.

 

[klj27]

A word of caution for some who have let their 9,10.11 year olds have fb to chat with family and play games..... it may be okay at that age, but something happends to girls around 6th and 7th grade that makes a chunk of them mean girls. I think those are the ages when it is very advantageous for our kids not to have fb. Those were the years that I felt like my daughter's home life was the one place she would not have to deal with all the drama from school. There may come a time when you wish you wouldn't have allowed them to get a fb early. I am not judging, just saying you may be opening your child to things you didn't realize.

 

[carmiedog]

my son does - he's 11. He only uses it for games. I do monitor it closely, but there are still risks of him seeing things he shouldn't. He had a 20-something from our church as a friend (as did I). For some reason she thought it OK to post her results on "adult" quizzes (favorite position, anyone?) even though she friends with several YOUNG people from our church. She was quickly un-friended before my son had a chance to see anything.

 

[krcit]

I have 3 kids 15, 11 and 9. Only the 15 year old has FB. The 11 year old asked and was told not until 13 at least. I have my 15 yo's password and check her account a few times a week. I see quite a few of my younger dd's friends on FB and a word to the wise...a lot of these kids join under different names, like just their first and middle names or they put an extra letter in their name so that their parents won't see their page.

 

[samshane]

For us - absolutely not. My 11yr old harasses me about this as her friends who are younger than 13 have FB and then try to be friends with me. I do not friend them.

I tell her there are rules and she is not 13 so she'll need to wait. I am not lying about her age.

She does have e-mail (which I keep an eye on) so she can keep in touch with family that way.

 

[Elmo9607]

I agree...as a 21 year old FB user, I see no reason why anyone in middle school needs a page. High school, maybe. I did not get mine until I graduated high school (it was my choice to wait).

I still follow the old rule of "if you don't want your grandma to see it, don't post it online!!" unfortunately, I think I am in the minority there.

Just because your kids are friends with someone you know doesn't mean they stop at just their pages. They can use the friend's page to get to other pages, other people's pictures. There is really nothing on FB that is off limits.

Don't even get me started on the "fan pages" that are on the site. As far as I know, there is no "search history" function so there is no way to find out what your kids have been looking up. And believe me, if it exists, there is a page for it.

 

[The Orchid]

My daughter was 16 when she got a Facebook account. Facebook is too addicting and thus too distracting, not to mention, there is an abundance of drama in elementary and middle school age kids. Too many of those kids are unsupervised which creates an "anything goes" environment. Besides, I really wanted her to spend her time doing old fashioned things like playing outside with her friends. I feel that too many kids sit in front of TV and computer and I sure didn't want to give her another tool that contributes to children having sedentary lives.

She's almost 19 now and survived not having a Facebook account.

I certainly don't judge people who do let their kids on social networking sites, it just wasn't the right decision for my family.

 

[njcarita]

my 11 and 14 year old have facebook accounts.... they are not allowed to be friends with any adults ( me ... dad.... aunts.... adult cousins etc) ... cause adults post stuff that are not appropiate for kids.... my 11 year old can only be friends with kids her age or younger( none of her brother friends..).... my 14 year old can only be friends with kids he knows from high school and from his old elementary school.....

I have their password and check there accounts constantly......
this is how the world communicated now..... texting... forums and facebook.....
so I allow them under my rules..... I still remember my mom and dad yelling at me when I was on the phone too long... cause phones were for emergencies.... that in their :day they didn't have phones to talk to thier friends for hours....

 

[aprilgail2]

a lot of these kids join under different names, like just their first and middle names or they put an extra letter in their name so that their parents won't see their page.

I would not assume that they did that so their parents "don't find them".... My daughter is under her nickname and middle name simply because I didn't want her last name on there. Many of her friends whos accounts were also set up by their parents are there with first nad middle names or first name and nickname etc.... its not just kids doing it to "hide"

I still follow the old rule of "if you don't want your grandma to see it, don't post it online!!" unfortunately, I think I am in the minority there.

:

Facebook IS how my daughter talks with her grandmother and grandfather out of state LOL...also all our aunts and uncles and cousins....it can also be a great way to keep in touch with family you don't see often. And I LOVE that she knows that if she posts anything her grandma will be seeing it!

 

[golfgal]

A word of caution for some who have let their 9,10.11 year olds have fb to chat with family and play games..... it may be okay at that age, but something happends to girls around 6th and 7th grade that makes a chunk of them mean girls. I think those are the ages when it is very advantageous for our kids not to have fb. Those were the years that I felt like my daughter's home life was the one place she would not have to deal with all the drama from school. There may come a time when you wish you wouldn't have allowed them to get a fb early. I am not judging, just saying you may be opening your child to things you didn't realize.

I have to honestly say that we did not have ANY mean girl issues in middle school at all. DD15 would just unfriend anyone that was getting snotty at school but she would also call them on it too. SHE didn't put up with that. One of her "friends" was making fun of one of the special ed kids in school and DD told her to knock it off and that nice people didn't talk that way. If girls don't buy into the mean girl thing, it ends pretty quickly.

Our twins got a FB page in 7th grade, about the time it was really getting popular around here. We said ok as long as we had their sign on and password and we were friends with them. I have NEVER seen anything on their FB pages that is even remotely bad, obnoxious, mean, anything, mostly because they have nice friends that don't act like that.

Almost all of their social functions are planned through facebook or texting. A neighbor of ours won't allow her 9th grade daughter to do either-fine, your house, your rules--but then will call us to see if our DD went to that party or went to that movie with the girls-yes she did. Then the mom would get upset because no one invited her DD. Well, the problem is, it was all done on facebook and no one was really "invited" it was just, hey lets go to the movie at 5:00 and everyone that could go, went. They just didn't think that this one girl didn't see it.

It is the way kids communicate these days-like it or not. If you chose to exclude your child, fine, but then don't get mad if they are excluded from the social events.