Do you have any idea why my friend is like this?

[Sonya]

I have a friend that used to live near me but got married a few years back and moved across town. I used to then meet her and her DH (along with my DH) about once a month or every other month for dinner. We would email each other back and forth as time allowed. (we are both teachers) We all got along great and would often spend minor holidays together around the BBQ or kitchen.
However since I told her I was pregnant she hasn't emailed me but once and it was just to say hi. She mentioned that they were having a dinner for the family that weekend and "Oh by the way if you aren't doing anything" we could drop by. I felt it was an afterthought be be invited to a formal family dinner on such a short notice so we didn't go. (We had done the family dinner thing in the past so that part was no big deal)
Now granted I haven't been emailing her so much either but she never even called to wish me a happy birthday and we didn't exchange Christmas gifts like usual. I haven't even seen her since last summer. The strange thing is our DHs are getting along pretty good, at least they are keeping up on their emails. It's just weird.
So I'm thinking she's jealous I'm having a baby or mad. (they have no kids) I'm a little counfused and a bit too hurt to start the conversation rolling, but I know that's what I need to do if I want to get answers. But I was wondering if you have any insight before I call and talk to her?

 

[grinningghost]

You might be right. Maybe she's jealous, or now feels she has nothing in common with you. Of course that's ridiculous, you're still the same person - you just happen to have a baby inside of you. Maybe once the baby is born, she'll come around. As long as your DH's are still in contact, there's a chance she'll want to reconnect too.

 

[Mermaid02]

Are they childless by choice? They may have problems you don't know about. Or maybe she just feels you don't have much in common anymore.

 

[holycow]

Yes, I think you are right either she is jealous OR...because you were both childless couples she may have felt she had a friend she wouldn't have to worry about in terms of children....


My very best friend in the world had told me she was so glad her kids were older and that she did have to deal with babies any longer...I took that as she didn't want to be around anyone with babies! I ended up prego and afraid she wouldn't be my friend any more....I finally confronted her and we had a good laugh and she helped me through that tough time (it had been 10 years between children!) so just ask her how she took your news...she may not want any children and feel that she can't be your friend now that you will have one.

Lisa

 

[MacGyverTDS]

I'm with Mrs. Garciaparra
Maybe there's something more going on with them in the fertility area. My niece and I (she's 5 yrs younger) got married the same year and when she became pregnant, she was afraid to tell me. (I had been through some serious infertility problems) When I found out, I cried tears of joy! I have never harbored any ill feelings towards anyone who got pregnant, just because I can't. I get to be the "cool Aunt" to all my nieces and nephews and that's good enough for me!
I say keep trying to communicate with your friend. Maybe eventually it will all come out in the wash for your both. Good luck!

Judy

 

[Fantasia Girl]

I have a similar situation here.... My good friend totally changed when they got pregnant. She stopped calling us as much, only invited us to gatherings last minute and really became more interested in friends that had children (we have none) I felt like she thought we were weird for having no children or something. We are just waiting until I get out of college, I am an Early Childhood major so it's not like I don't like children I don't know, I guess some people just change, and I'm sorry to say that if our friendship can be ruined over something like that, then maybe it's not worth saving (in my case...long drawn out story I will not bore you with )

Sorry I'm not much help....but it felt good to vent

 

[apagano]

Is it just me, or does it seem like this kind of thing happens a lot more often with women than with men? I'm talking about friends "breaking up," so to speak. Most of the time you would have to sleep with a guy's wife before he would stop being your friend. The friendships I have seen between women appear so much more complicated. As a man, I can only go by what I have observed, but I have seen a lot of friendships between women go down in flames over trivial things that most guys would just shrug their shoulders about and move on.

 

[TennVolTony]

Why don't ya just ask her?? That's the way I'd do it....Maybe it's something else...or maybe it's nothing. You probably won't know until you ask her....

 

[SeaShelley]

I'm gonna second with TVT on this one. You won't know until you ask. Pick up the phone and invite her out for lunch or something, just the two of you.

 

[jel0511]

I'm gong to play devil's advocate here for a minute. As someone who experienced infertility, and had to go through treatments to have my two children, it was VERY difficult to hear about someone being pregnant. Until I actually was pregnant, it was difficult seeing pregnant women, expecially friends. It just felt lke itw as being rubbed in my face, even though the person probably wasn't doing anything wrong. When you want something that should be pretty easy to obtain and you can't obtain it, and a close friend can, it really can annoy you. And when it's something as importand has having a child, it can be devastating. I've had my two children and I'm probably not going to have any more, so I've gotten past the "You're pregnant and I'm not thing", but for your friend, it might be more than jealousy. As someone, who has gone through something like this, I always get a little annoyed when people who don't have fertility problems, never see the other side of the coin. They always assume the "friend" is jealous, when that might not be the case at all. Infertility is a silent disease, with no one knowing unless you say something. Please have some sympathy for your friend, because she could be battling this, and it's definately something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

[Sonya]

Thanks Lori. I don't know if my friend is having problems, she has never said anything to me about having kids, it's just something that's not come up of all the strange things. I know she is a real planner and wanted to have all the money saved for their house BEFORE they bought it, likewise they do this with cars, etc., so they won't go into debt. It may be that they haven't saved up enought to have a kid yet. Or they may not want them or they may be struggling with infertility. I guess I really need to call her, it's just hurt me that she hasn't said more than 20 words to me since I told her.

 

[jel0511]

Sonya -

I hope my response wasn't too harsh, I guess I'm just a little over-sensitive. It could be your friend is having problems like I indicated, or maybe like you said, she wants to have all her "ducks in a row" before getting pregnant, and you have something she wants, but isn't "ready" for yet. I wish you the best. If you're so concerned, you should e-mail her with your concerns. Don't start off laying all of the blame on her. I have seen it happen when a friend becomes pregnant for the first time, without them realizing it, it's all they talk about. I'm not implying you're doing this at all, and you might not, but she might feel that you are. If she's truly a good friend to you, you'll be able to work this out and move on. If you and her can't get past this one, then she probably wasn't a real friend to begin with.

 

[CJK]

Wow. This does seem to be sort of common with women doesn't it? I'm going through the same thing, only in reverse. A close friend of mine now has a year old baby. I don't have kids (and as many of you know, haven't decided if I want to or not....). Anyway, over the last two years (through my friend's pregnancy and now with her 1yr old), we have really drifted apart. We used to email almost everyday from work. That changed to once a week, to once every two weeks and now it has been over a month. There has been so much tension recently too. I confronted her about it a few months ago, but she denied anything was wrong. I have babysat for her a few times and find her baby adorable. I don't know what's wrong. I have grown tired of putting forth more effort than her so I have basically given up. The ball is in her court now - but it does make me sad.

Hmmm, how'd I turn this around to be about ME?? Sorry about that! I hope your friendship has a much happier ending!

 

[Robinrs]

I have been in Lori's place and I totally understand. I don't know if this is what your friend is going through but I'm sure it's nothing as simple as "jealousy".

It is a tender topic, and I know it's hard but do ask her. She may be too ashamed to admit it but it doesn't hurt to ask. I know I never had the nerve to vocalize those feelings, I just suffered in silence.

 

[Serena]

Talk to her. Goodluck.