Do you ever worry that maybe your children...

[missypie]

That is a huge, horrible issue in my husband's family. My FIL had one brother and I think they flat out didn't like each other. Other than mandatory family events, they never spoke.

FIL, in his infinite idiocy, decided that the way to keep HIS four children communicating is to give them a sizable chunk of money THAT THEY MUST INVEST TOGETHER. The issue has made me detest them all. DH has an evil twin-truly a son of the devil-for whom money is everything. DH's sister is married to a compulsive gambler for whom no investment is ever too risky. The evil twin forced the group to invest in a RIDICULOUS real estate venture that required not only FIL's money, but a debt for each that is larger than our mortgage. [I say "required" because Dh was threatened with disinheritance if he didn't invest.] If the siblings didn't like each other before FIL's scheme, he has made sure that there will be anger and hard feelings that last long after his death.

This is WHAT NOT TO DO!!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't worry about it. My girls are 5 years apart and will go their separate ways.
They each have an idea of what they want out of life and that is OK with me.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't worry about it. My girls are 5 years apart and will go their separate ways.
They each have an idea of what they want out of life and that is OK with me.

But that doesn't mean that they won't be close as adults. Trust me, growing up I didn't have much in common with my sisters. I was a baby when my oldest sister moved out of the house and a toddler when she married. I joke that she's really my mother, but was embarrassed to have an illegitimate child. But now I am close with them and the age differences don't matter.

 

[SillyMe]

I never worried about it until recently. My girls are 8 years apart. My ex just told my dd6 that her sister, my dd14 is not his biological daughter. So now my dd6 does not understand this and keeps saying that my dd14 is adopted. I'm so ticked that he did this to my girls, you cannot even imagine.

My sister and I are 9 years apart and are total complete opposites, but have a very close relationship with each other and our mother. I hope that my girls see the relationship I have with my sister and won't ever allow anything to interfere with theirs, because when I'm gone they will only have each other.

 

[Andrea]

...won't talk to each other when they're grown-up adults. Won't get along with each other anymore. We have rifts in our families and it seems inevitable if the children are not compatible.

For now, we never force them to get along. There is a 6 year age gap and so they are quite independent of each other.

I don't know, sometimes this question makes me go "hmmm."

my oldest sister and i are 14 years apart in age and my middle sister and i are around 6 years ( i am 26 years old now) and i have not talked to either one of my sisters since 1998

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But that doesn't mean that they won't be close as adults. Trust me, growing up I didn't have much in common with my sisters. I was a baby when my oldest sister moved out of the house and a toddler when she married. I joke that she's really my mother, but was embarrassed to have an illegitimate child. But now I am close with them and the age differences don't matter.

My 14yo dd wants to live in Montana, on a ranch, as a type of survivalist.

My 9yodd is convinced she will be a famous author, live on ranch, and breed border collies and have sheep so they can herd them.
Oh and she said since she will be rich, she will build a small house for me to live on her property.

I can't wait to see what happens....

 

[Tigger&Belle]

That works--make sure that she lets you design that house!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I never worried about it until recently. My girls are 8 years apart. My ex just told my dd6 that her sister, my dd14 is not his biological daughter. So now my dd6 does not understand this and keeps saying that my dd14 is adopted. I'm so ticked that he did this to my girls, you cannot even imagine.

I'm sorry--that's a really stinky thing to do. I don't know how he could even begin to justify that. What good could have come out of that bit of information to a 6yo? Sorry! I guess I already said that, didn't I?

 

[SillyMe]

I'm sorry--that's a really stinky thing to do. I don't know how he could even begin to justify that. What good could have come out of that bit of information to a 6yo? Sorry! I guess I already said that, didn't I?

Thanks. Yeah, she has enough to deal with the separation. I have no clue why he dropped that bomb on her. The part that really irritated me was that he never gave me a heads up that he told her.

 

[Kahana-ri]

My brothers and I are each four years apart. Growing up, I was never close to my brothers and we all fought like cats and dogs. My brothers were closer to each other, obviously becuase they were boys. As adults, I talk with my brothers and we get along way better than when we were kids. I am actually closer to the youngest brother now. We do get along, but its certainly not like we call each other every week. My kids will be at least four years apart, I hope they can have a better relationship with each other. Nice OP question.

 

[nwdisgal]

i honestly am quite certain that when my mother passes away it is unlikely i will have any regular communication with my 3 siblings. we were never that close as kids (i'm the youngest with a 6 to 16 year older age difference between me and sibs), and have always led very different lives (i have kids neither of the other 3 do, we have no common interests, we're just entirely different people). the only time we communicate now is about my mom, the only time we get together (and now never all 4 at the same time because of some family issues) is when mom is at my house.

i think my kids will be close as adults-they are each other's best friends outside school (dd 11 1/2, ds is 9) and despite the normal brother/sister dynamics they realy enjoy each others company.

if they are'nt close as adults i don't think i will stress over it-i realised a long time ago that it was o.k. for me not to feel guilt/personal responisiblity over the fact that myself and my sibs are not close. i finaly had to ask myself if i were'nt related to each of them would i have any inclination to be in their company-in all 3 cases it was a resounding "no".

I think you bring up a really good point. I stressed for a long time about not having a close relationship with my older siblings. Then I asked myself the same question as you did, would I be friends with these people if they weren't siblings, and the answer was no. I have such a great set of friends, I really don't feel like I'm missing anything?

My kids on the other hand spend a fair amount of time together and like each other. I think they'll always have a good relationship, or I hope so.

 

[bettyann29]

Yes I do worry about that.. when my kids dont get along I try to remind them that as they get older they will only have each other and they need to remember each other .. My 2 oldest pick on my youngest alot and I worry that when they are adults they will drift apart..

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thanks. Yeah, she has enough to deal with the separation. I have no clue why he dropped that bomb on her. The part that really irritated me was that he never gave me a heads up that he told her.

A parent really has to think about whether or not telling a child something will help the CHILD, not give the parent a thrill, give them leverage over the other parent, etc, etc. That clearly did not and I can't imagine how my 6yo would process that kind of information. She already lost the marriage and then he's trying to drive a wedge in the bond between sisters? There's something wrong there. But I'm not telling you something that you don't already know.

 

[SillyMe]

A parent really has to think about whether or not telling a child something will help the CHILD, not give the parent a thrill, give them leverage over the other parent, etc, etc. That clearly did not and I can't imagine how my 6yo would process that kind of information. She already lost the marriage and then he's trying to drive a wedge in the bond between sisters? There's something wrong there. But I'm not telling you something that you don't already know.

Well, I can tell you how she's processing it. She's not. She told my dd14 that dd14 is "adopted" which is not true. She just doesn't understand. I tried explaining it, but she's only 6. She just has no comprehension at that age. And believe me, he has spoken so many times before thinking...or has thought only about himself while speaking.

 

[missypie]

Yes I do worry about that.. when my kids dont get along I try to remind them that as they get older they will only have each other and they need to remember each other .. My 2 oldest pick on my youngest alot and I worry that when they are adults they will drift apart..

"As they get older they will only have each other?????" What do you mean by that? That they won't marry and have their own family? That they won't make close friends?

 

[SillyMe]

"As they get older they will only have each other?????" What do you mean by that? That they won't marry and have their own family? That they won't make close friends?

I think she means immediate-blood family members.

 

[PaulaSue]

I hope my girls are close when they are older. There is only 4 1/2 years between the first and last. We are both (DH and I) onlys and we have no one so we tried to get them close in age to have similiar interests and grow up together. I wonder sometimes with my middle DD (pushes buttons trying to start stuff, etc...) so different than my first and last DDs.

 

[zalansky]

"friends are your chosen family"

I have a little plaque that says that - and its so true!

 

[missypie]

"friends are your chosen family"

I have a little plaque that says that - and its so true!

I used to work with a guy who came from a very disfunctional, abusive family. Around holidays he would say, "I used to spend holidays with my family. Now I spend them with my loved ones."

 

[JVL1018]

I am a middle child with a brother 3 years older and a brother 2 years younger.
I am very close to my little brother, I see him every Thursday night for dinner, and he and DH are the best of friends, we also all go on vacation together every year..my older brother I love dearly, but he lives an hour and a half away so I don't see him too often, plus he's a boy so the stuff I'm interested in, he's not so much, so talking on the phoen isn't something we do often, maybe once every couple of months.

I am close to my SIL(his wife) though. She was my best friend before she started dating my brother.
My two brorthers are not as close to each other as they are to me..but when we all see each other they're inseperable. I think if my older DB lived nearby things would be different.They are both funny funny funny and we have a fantastic time when we're all together.

My Mom always used to say to us: NEVER treat your friends better than you treat your brother/sister.
I say the same thing to my two..they bicker all the time, but they love each other..and I will be devastated if they aren't close when they grow up..say what you will, but no one can share the same memories of your parents or growing up like a sibling.

DH has two brother 11 and 13 years older than he is..the odlest left home when DH was only 6, so they always had sort of an uncle/nephew relationship..but they are closer now, and he's very close to his middle brother(again the middle brother lives 5 minutes away, the older one lives 3 hours away)..and closer to each than they are to each other.