Do cheaters feel guilty?

[tink20]

Do you know someone, who cheated on their spouse, it ended their marriage? Or someone who had an affair with a married person, which ended their marriage? I know people, but not well enough, to ask....

Do they feel guilty? Do they think what they did was wrong? and if they are now with this person, do they trust them, don't they think he/she would cheat on them?

Just wondering others thoughts, in the past 3 years, several marriages of people I know have ended because of this (2 of my neighbors, my sister and a friend) In 2 of these, the spouse is now with the person they were having the affair with.

 

[dngnb8]

I think this depends on the condition of the marriage at the time of cheating.

 

[Gigi22]

My DNiece. They are now separated, counting down to the one year time limit so they can be divorced. The situation is too raw for me to discuss it with her. In my view, her STBXH just couldn't decide that he wanted to be married and commit to it. Not that he didn't have ample time to do so, he was 14 years older than DNiece. No one, repeat no one, regrets his leaving. He was a complete jerk. I am only sorry DNiece ever got involved with him.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think they do - and it's part of why it is so exciting for cheaters to cheat. But they are too selfishly enjoying their fun on the side, that their guilt doesn't convince them to stop (or not start in the first place).

dngnb8 - Are you saying that if cheaters have a good marriage, they would feel guilty and if they had a bad one, they wouldn't?

 

[Christine]

I have known of a few people who did this and not one of them feels bad. I guess they aren't happy in their marriage. Plus they've ended up married or with the people they cheated with. So far, they seem happy but who knows....

 

[It'sWDW4me]

My ex cheated on me multiple times. He's a serial cheater. No, he never ends up with the person he cheats with. Lived with a woman for 2 years after we split, he cheated on her. He married someone a few years after that, she kicked him out when she got tired of his cheating. They've been in the process of a divorce for the past 3 years now. He lived with another woman after he & wifey #2 split, he cheated on her. He's now living with yet another woman and I hear they're engaged (still needing to divorce wife #2). It's only a matter of time until he's on to his next victim, er, girlfriend.

In his case, I don't believe he feels guilty at all.

 

[Duchie]

I've known a few people who cheated on their spouse, and no they do not feel guilty. Those who did the cheating always have an excuse to justify their behavior and convince themselves that what they did wasn't wrong. Those who were the "other woman/man" don't feel guilty either. They feel like it's the one who is married who is responsible for maintaining the marriage, and if that person elects to cheat then it's not their fault.

I've got a guy friend who was married and his wife cheated on him. I watched him go through that whole situation and it tore him apart. I don't know if I've ever seen a person so low, but he put himself back together and eventually began dating again. And now he's dating a married woman. I asked him why in the world he would ever do to another man what was done to him and he said he just doesn't think about the other guy ever, that their marriage is really over, that if she were really happy she would never have cheated on her spouse in the first place, etc. He is ignoring the irony of the entire situation.

 

[marie1203]

We had a family member that cheated on his wife. The wife end up leaving and you can tell how sorry he was. In fact it has been many years and if they ever end up in the same room you can tell in his eyes.

 

[dngnb8]

dngnb8 - Are you saying that if cheaters have a good marriage, they would feel guilty and if they had a bad one, they wouldn't?

Some marriages both parties know there are troubles. In these cases, where things are just real bad, I dont think there is much guilt. My first marriage was like this and I really dont think my exwife felt any guilt whatsoever. I wasnt surprised about her infidelity. In fact, I think she subconsciously wanted to be caught rather then just ending the marriage as we both should have.

However, many times, one partner is caught clueless. They had no idea, felt things were going good even. I believe there is guilt here.

 

[Acklander]

I left my first husband for my current husband. I didn't feel guilty. I'm sad I hurt my ex, but even if I had divorced him first I still would have been sad that I hurt him - so I don't feel bad about the cheating part, just the hurting him part, if that makes any sense.
My current DH trusts me just fine.

 

[Wishing on a star]

They only feel guilty if they get caught...
And, that's not really 'guilt'.

 

[mamajo]

Guilty they got caught! Be man (or woman) enough to get out of one thing before getting into something else! I have no tolerance for cheaters! If you want to be a hound dog, then just be honest and be one! Don't do me any favors by marrying me just to fool around!

and that's all I have to say about that.

 

[golfgal]

They only feel guilty if they get caught...
And, that's not really 'guilt'.

I agree-and I also agree that isn't isn't really guilt as much as being mad they got caught. This goes for everything, not just cheating on a spouse. We had an incident in golf recently where pretty much an entire team, under the direction of their coach, cheated. The coach is still gloating about their success. She doesn't feel the least bit guilty. It's really, REALLY sad actually.

 

[IdesOmarch]

I agree-and I also agree that isn't isn't really guilt as much as being mad they got caught. This goes for everything, not just cheating on a spouse. We had an incident in golf recently where pretty much an entire team, under the direction of their coach, cheated. The coach is still gloating about their success. She doesn't feel the least bit guilty. It's really, REALLY sad actually.

Dont you think sports is just a little different? After all one of the greatest coaches in football says that if you aren't cheating, you aren't trying. Not saying I agree with that.

 

[golfgal]

Dont you think sports is just a little different? After all one of the greatest coaches in football says that if you aren't cheating, you aren't trying. Not saying I agree with that.

Why are they different? It all comes down to integrity whether it is honoring vows of marriage, playing a sport, handling money, whatever. Cheating is cheating.

 

[IdesOmarch]

Why are they different? It all comes down to integrity whether it is honoring vows of marriage, playing a sport, handling money, whatever. Cheating is cheating.

I agree with you, but big time coaches that make millions upon millions would apparently disagree with you. I wasn't joking about the "if you aren't cheating, you're not trying" comment. If they feel its their duty to cheat because its part of pulling out all the stops to win, I don't think they feel guilty about it. And that's just professional sports, dont get me started on college coaches.

 

[disykat]

No, I think they feel justified or they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

 

[momof1princess]

well, my dad cheated on both my mom and my first step-mom, and didn't seem to feel the least bit guilty. i think he was really angry that first step-mom caught him, because she took him for everything he had. he married the woman he cheated on her with, and i wouldn't be surprised to hear that he cheats on her too. his dad (my grandpa) was a known cheater, he had the same mistress for years-she lived just a few blocks from my grandparents' house. i'm hoping my brother is breaking the cycle, but he lives 3 hours away, and we're not close, so i honestly don't know.

 

[LovableGluttons]

I've often thought the very narcisistic behavior that might cause someone to cheat would prevent them from experiencing any amount of guilt that comes close to what the poor soul they cheated on experiences.

Perhaps poor self esteem makes cheaters feel entitled to hurt someone?

 

[luvmythree]

My ex sure doesn't feel guilty about cheating on me for almost our entire marriage. The one he left me for he cheated on with another girl. He was with her for about 6 months and then he got caught cheating on her with another girl. Same thing and he is now with the last one he cheated with but who knows how long that one will last.

I think the only thing my ex feels guilty about is that a couple of our kids figured it out on their own, (without my knowledge) and confronted him about that and the fact that he is smoking pot and an alcoholic. He confessed and they walked away from him as a parent and haven't looked back. I think that is the ONLY thing he is feeling regret/guilt/sorrow for!