Do cheaters feel guilty?

[Disney Doll]

I think cheating is wrong.
I think if you are unhappy in your marriage you should fix it or end it before you bring someone else into it.
I have never understood the "Other Person" who can cheat with someone who is married and then marry them. Why would you want to tie yourselfto someone who has PROVEN that they have the ability to be unfaithful? Doesn't make much sense to me.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't think my position is odd at all. People do not do things they feel guilty over, they are made to feel guilty because someone else feels bad and dumps it at their feet, which makes them feel bad because now they have to deal with a mess. But the act of cheating itself, really, you know people who deliberately do something then say "Oh I hated every minute of it", no, I don't buy it, they hate the consequences and that's all there is to it IMHO. People don't do what they don't want to do, period, which is why most people don't light themselves on fire then say "OOPS", the end.

PS -to each their own, I don't point out what I see as flaws in other people's thinking, I just say what I think, it would be nice if others did the same.

For goodness sakes--I did not point out any one person because lots said it, and I was pointing out that I felt differently than this trend that I was seeing among many answers. It is furthering the discussion is all-not intended to be offensive or to point out FLAWS but to point out a DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE.


Anyway, I do feel differently. Right NOW, I am drinking a Coke for breakfast. I know it is bad for me and I know that Coke is a big part of my recent weight gain and I truly do feel guilty for succumbing to that desire for sugary caffeine goodness and having it. No one else gives a fig if I have a Coke. Non one is going to catch me and make me feel guilty. I feel guilty all on my own because I know that the thing I am doing is not good for me, is not an example I should set for my kids, etc. I can be proud of my accomplishments even when no one else notices or comments on them and I can also feel guilty about my short comings even when no one else notices or comments on them.

 

[superme80]

My BIL feels guilty that he got caught. When his new girlfriend kicked him out he went crying to my sister and now they are back together. For my nephew's sake I'm glad they are making an effort, but I still want to punch my BIL.

 

[LovableGluttons]

I agree. I guess because my STBX-H does feel guilty. I think some would never admit it. I think some are pure narcissists that don't feel guilty. But the majority of those that gets caught up in a bad situation...I think they feel bad. The thing is the "high" they get from the affair is greater than the guilt they feel. It is rationalization, compartmentalization...lots more psychology behind it than it was a crappy marriage and if they were happy they wouldn't have done it.

My my husbands, married other woman. She doesn't feel guilty. Well she is TERRIFIED of someone telling her husband but she doesn't feel bad for me or my kids. She convinced him that "I didn't appreciate him" so she is happy now that he isn't stuck with me. What's funny is I was 2000 miles away, she knew NOTHING of me when they started. She just made up a complete fantasy, sold him on it and that was that. He was incredibly weak. He knows that....now. And he isn't the first married man that she was involved with. She is a very sick person that gets off on doing this.

I was looking old old posts of mine and saw this thread.

Allison, I hope you find amazing, thrilling happiness in your life. I just get this feeling from your posts that you are someone who really deserves it.

 

[LovableGluttons]

For goodness sakes--I did not point out any one person because lots said it, and I was pointing out that I felt differently than this trend that I was seeing among many answers. It is furthering the discussion is all-not intended to be offensive or to point out FLAWS but to point out a DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE.


Anyway, I do feel differently. Right NOW, I am drinking a Coke for breakfast. I know it is bad for me and I know that Coke is a big part of my recent weight gain and I truly do feel guilty for succumbing to that desire for sugary caffeine goodness and having it. No one else gives a fig if I have a Coke. Non one is going to catch me and make me feel guilty. I feel guilty all on my own because I know that the thing I am doing is not good for me, is not an example I should set for my kids, etc. I can be proud of my accomplishments even when no one else notices or comments on them and I can also feel guilty about my short comings even when no one else notices or comments on them.

I think I understand the perspective you were aiming for here.

The thing is, your beverage choice won't destroy a family unit nor break someone's heart.

My sister was married to a terrific man who sacrificed so much to be with her. She pursued a woman on her ice hockey team and had an affair with her. She decided she was in love with her teammate and told her husband she needed some time to see where this other relationship was going.

She called me, distraught because her husband left her. Duh! Her husband was right for leaving her!

When the teammate found out my sister's husband left, she dumped my sister.

Some people like fresh meat (unattached), some like it sloppy.

Now my baby sister is alone, has been through several relationships, her ex husband will have nothing to do with her, and she is angry at us (her immediate family) for not being supportive.

We could care less if she was hetero or homosexual. It's ruining someone else's life for kicks that is the problem.

I referred to narcissistic behavios because my sister does not have remorse for hurting her husband. She still defends the affair.

I don't understand the mentality. Doesn't everyone learn that you clean up a mess before you make another one?

Anyway, whenever I hear about people cheating, I always think of that Saturday Night Live skit called "Lowered Expectations" about some really odd people looking to hook up.

Hadley, only the first part of my post was directed to you, the rest was to explain my comment earlier in the thread. I'm envious that you are in Germany, I spent 4 years in Oberhausen as a child and have the best memories!!

 

[Edward7777]

One must remember that there are many people who absolutely have no guilt or true empathy. So no, they do not feel guilty if they cheat.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I have no personal experience in this issue from either side (thank goodness) but I would assume like everything else, it depends a lot on the specifics and is not something you can say applies across the board to everyone who cheats (one way or the other).

I find the multiple comments that if the person would feel guilty they would not have cheated in the first place to be odd. People do things all the time that they feel guilty about and wish they had not done, but they still do them (sometimes over and over again). Anything from yelling at their kids, to smoking, to overrating, to skipping church etc. Why is cheating somehow a different animal that people expect no one would ever do and also feel guilty about it I am really curious about this line of thinking for some odd reason (bored tonight I guess)

I completely agree with your post.

 

[ameraumi]

well, my dad cheated on both my mom and my first step-mom, and didn't seem to feel the least bit guilty. i think he was really angry that first step-mom caught him, because she took him for everything he had. he married the woman he cheated on her with, and i wouldn't be surprised to hear that he cheats on her too. his dad (my grandpa) was a known cheater, he had the same mistress for years-she lived just a few blocks from my grandparents' house. i'm hoping my brother is breaking the cycle, but he lives 3 hours away, and we're not close, so i honestly don't know.

This post stuck out to me. I also wonder how many cheaters have seen their own parents do it, thus growing up thinking it is ok. Those that I know IRL that have been cheaters have told me their own parents have done it as well.

That said, my SO was a cheater. I know that is what caused his divorce (3 yrs before we started talking) and he does feel guilty over it. He knew he was in a loveless marriage and just did not have the balls to end it the right way. He knows he caused a lot of pain to his family, including his children. And he is also one of those that saw both parents split up, cheat, then get back together to only repeat the cycle.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think I understand the perspective you were aiming for here.

The thing is, your beverage choice won't destroy a family unit nor break someone's heart.

But other things could--things like smoking, or eating to such excess that you put your health seriously at risk. I am NOT saying that it is okay to cheat. I just think that people can and do do things they genuinely feel internally guilty about regardless of whether they get caught or not (like cheating because it can break up a family and break someone's heart). I do not think it is okay to do those things, I just think that at times people are conflicted and make a bad choice and feel guilty about it later. Sometimes they even feel guilty WHILE they are making the choice, and yet they do it anyway. Whether that is eating junk food, speeding, yelling at kids, cheating, or any number of other things.

 

[mumom95]

I have a friend who has cheated multiple times on her dh. She doesn't feel any guilt.

She explained it to me like this:

"before you have sex for the first time, you wait and wait because you feel guilty and think it's wrong and you should wait till marriage. But once you make the step and have sex, you realize how great it is and pretty much have sex with every boyfriend from there on out, usually pretty quickly. Cheating is the same way, before the first time you think it's bad and shouldn't do it, but then you do and realize how great it is and that nothing bad happened, so you keep wanting to do it"

 

[Marionnette]

I don't think that my former sister-in-law feels any guilt. Anything that goes wrong in her life is pretty much someone else's fault. Of course it is my brother's fault that she started an affair with a member of their church while still married to my brother. He drove her to it by being out of town for work so much. He couldn't give her all of the material things that her boyfriend can. He insisted that they pay the bills instead of maxing out the credit cards. It was all my brother's fault.

 

[Acklander]

This post stuck out to me. I also wonder how many cheaters have seen their own parents do it, thus growing up thinking it is ok. Those that I know IRL that have been cheaters have told me their own parents have done it as well.

My parents never cheated. They were married only to each other and were quite devoted until my dad died.
While I left my ex for my current - it wasn't a long drawn out thing on the sly. I met my current husband and within a week asked my ex to move out because I had found someone else. Maybe if my parents had been cheaters I would have taken it underground until caught? We'll never know. The end result is I met the person who I considered my true soul mate after I was already married to someone else. As I stated previously, I'm sad I hurt my ex but I don't feel guilty about following my heart.

 

[Sneezie]

My husband cheated on me. We had been married a little over two years when I found out about it. I thought we would be able to work it out, but there were so many other things wrong with the marriage that after a little over a year of trying (on my part - he continued to cheat) I put him out.

He doesn't believe it was his fault at all. It was all my fault. When I ask him "what exactly did I do wrong?", he replies: "If you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you" or "it was the little things".

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but I wracked my brain over what I could have possible done that was so wrong to make him go to another woman. Then I finally realized it had nothing to do with me. It was him. I have no idea why he did it and although I sometimes would LOVE to know why, I know he'll never tell me, so I've let it go.

In answer to whether or not I think he feels guilty, I truly do not. He lives with the woman (and their daughter who was born while we were still married). The woman was married to one of his friends and I have no idea if they are divorced.

I think the best revenge I can have on him is to live a wonderful life, which I am doing and the best revenge I can have on her is let her keep him.

 

[kt_mom]

I think it depends on the individual person. My DH had an affair years ago. He got caught. At the time he had no guilt or remorse at all. That changed down the road. He went to months and months of counseling on his own, not at my request. He had to come to terms with what he had done and the pain he had caused me. The OW on the other hand I think feels no guilt at all. My DH me once that she said she felt she was put in his life for a reason by God.

I know another guy that is a serial cheater though and I don't think there is any guilt on his part at all. Every time him and his one affair partner are on the outs he goes back to a previous affair partner that just takes him back over and over. His wife has put up with it for years. Its very sad really.

I know another guy that had an affair and is now in the process of getting divorced. He seems to be in love with his mistress and they are still together. I've talked with him and he feels a lot of guilt about cheating and hurting wife and kids but also says that he wants the divorce. He acknowledges though that the affair was the wrong way to go about it and he should have been up front with his wife and left her first before starting up another relationship.

 

[bumbershoot]

Do you know someone, who cheated on their spouse, it ended their marriage? Or someone who had an affair with a married person, which ended their marriage? I know people, but not well enough, to ask....

Do they feel guilty? Do they think what they did was wrong? and if they are now with this person, do they trust them, don't they think he/she would cheat on them?

Just wondering others thoughts, in the past 3 years, several marriages of people I know have ended because of this (2 of my neighbors, my sister and a friend) In 2 of these, the spouse is now with the person they were having the affair with.

The only way to know about the people in your life is to ask the people in your life. Different people feel different ways.

I dated a few people who were otherwise involved, and they varied on the guilt levels. One guy was almost finished with his divorce already, he had NO guilt.

One guy had been living with his girlfriend for 9 years (which was as close to married as they were EVER going to get, as while they were together they philosophically were anti-marriage vehemently) but was looking to get out, etc etc, and his dating was a symptom of the problems that were already going on. Now...he actually did feel guilty, quite guilty. But once he told her, and once she kicked him out, there was no going back, so his guilt for having hurt her started eating at him. He ended up getting sick often, took extra sick days, drank more, smoked more...he ended up being fired from his job over the issues that were, at their heart, from his guilt. Didn't help ANY that a year into our off/on "relationship" he started trying to cheat on me (go back to the drinking and smoking bit as to why it was an *attempt*) so then he felt guilty about doing the same to me.

Another guy, I didn't know he was involved with someone when we started casually dating... He didn't feel guilt, he reveled in the whole thing.


A friend of mine was cheated on by her husband, and he said he felt guilty, but he was even lying to his counselor, so it's unlikely he really did. But his family life growing up was *seriously* messed up, I can't imagine he even knows how to have a good and normal relationship at all.

I was just wondering, my sister's ex, is like a totally different person now, he used to be so nice and ever since the affair and divorce, he is a BIG JERK!

Sometimes people just lose their minds...

I have never understood the "Other Person" who can cheat with someone who is married and then marry them. Why would you want to tie yourselfto someone who has PROVEN that they have the ability to be unfaithful? Doesn't make much sense to me.

There *are* some couples who are truly meant to be together, but don't find out until one or both is already married. And sometimes those couples can't control themselves until they are legally free.

Whenever I see a post absolutely vilifying people who cheat...I think of Paul Newman. The timing of the end of his first marriage and the beginning of his marriage to Joanne Woodward was...what, a day in between? People look to them as having a HUGE and amazing love story, no one doubts that they should have been together...but there was a broken heart involved there, too.

Of course, that's the minority IMO. Most of the time, IMO, ya can't trust 'em. The second guy I mentioned above...I actually wanted to end things once he told me he'd told his ex about me, because I knew that it wasn't going to end well otherwise. He begged and begged, so I kept him around, and...it didn't end well for me.

Well, overall it did end well for me, because that "relationship" finally brought me to counseling (anger management counseling, after I attempted to beat up his over-a-foot-taller-than-me self b/c of how he treated me, but counseling all the same) and brought me OUT of my "bad boy" stage and into my "nice guys are awesome" stage which led me to DH!

But the path wasn't very fun, that's for sure.

This post stuck out to me. I also wonder how many cheaters have seen their own parents do it, thus growing up thinking it is ok. Those that I know IRL that have been cheaters have told me their own parents have done it as well.

It's rough to have a normal relationship when you've never seen one! Yes there are people who manage it. I don't know how. I wasn't able to until I had lots of counseling. Now I was never the one going outside of my own relationship, I never cheated on someone, but it took counseling to help me get out of the weird phase where I didn't mind being the one in the background for someone else cheating on their significant other.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think my cheating BIL has moments of feeling guilty. He seemed to be very troubled by it all every time we talked about their situation. He wasn't admitting guilt to me, but he was/is divorcing my sister and I think he has moments of sadness of ending a 35 yr. marriage. he answers only to himself so I guess he has convinced himself that this is OK, that he deserves this after 35 years and that he deserves the kind of happiness this chick can bring him. We'll see...

I predict he'll be very sorry one day soon--if he lives long enough.

 

[BuffettFan]

I have 3 brothers, and between the 3 of them, they have covered every side of adultery.

Brother #1 is 46 yrs old, and has been in a relationship with a married woman for 21 yrs. In the beginning she talked about leaving her husband...but its never happened. Back then he spent time with her (and her children...she was a SAHM) he befriended her husband, and spent a great deal of deal around their family.....and felt absolutely no guilt about anything he was doing. He often jokes and brags about the things they get away with..... very sad.

Then theres brother #2. 10 years ago, he had an affair that spanned most of the first year of his marriage. I'm not sure if it bothered him while it was going on (we didnt know about it while it was happening) But when his wife found out...and threw him out... He was a totally broken man. he took stock of his life, and his priorities, and worked like crazy to win his wife back. Long story short....youve never seen a happier, more committed couple. They have 2 beautiful children, and I dont think hes ever even looked at another woman.... He learned his lesson, and is a completely different person.

Then there's Brother #3... He is on the other side of adultery. He suspected something was up, and came home from work early one day to find his wife of 4 years in bed with one of her ex-boyfriends. She expressed a great deal of guilt, and after much soul searching, he has decided to give her another chance. (This happened 9 mos ago, so we're all still waiting to see what happens)

I guess from my point of view, it all depends on the people involved. I look at my brothers, all of whom were raised in the same home, with the same values, by the same parents.....yet their feeling vary greatly on this subject...

 

[brookmey]

My BFF cheated on her husband and they're now divorced. She regrets it every single day and is in counseling to determine why she did it. She had a wonderful husband, but there was something self-destructive inside of her, so she's now getting help to fix it.

My SIL, on the other hand, has cheated on every single boyfriend/fiance she's ever had. She has no regrets. Her attitude is that they weren't making her happy, so it's their fault. She does have the narcisstic attitude that a PP suggested. She's got a lot of sociopathic tendencies, that's for sure.

My sister and her husband both cheated on the people that they were with when they met. He was engaged, my sister had a long-term boyfriend. She didn't want to break-up with the boyfriend until she knew where the new relationship was going. She's one who could never go without a boyfriend, so all of her relationships overlapped. She's never felt bad about it, but there are some major trust issues in her marriage.

I don't think every situation is as black and white as people think. I don't think every cheater is a bad person, or feels no remorse. I think it's all situational. I also think a lot of cheaters might feel terrible guilt deep down inside, but refuse to show it because then they might be admitting that there is something inside of them that is less than perfect, that might need fixing. If they place blame on the person they cheated on, then they don't have to look at themselves, which can be a very scary thing for some people. It's easier and safer to point fingers at everyone else.

 

[LovableGluttons]

I don't think every situation is as black and white as people think. I don't think every cheater is a bad person, or feels no remorse. I think it's all situational. I also think a lot of cheaters might feel terrible guilt deep down inside, but refuse to show it because then they might be admitting that there is something inside of them that is less than perfect, that might need fixing. If they place blame on the person they cheated on, then they don't have to look at themselves, which can be a very scary thing for some people. It's easier and safer to point fingers at everyone else.

I agree. I've fortunately never been in the position either before or after I married. I've only seen it in the case of my sister and some close friends.