Do cheaters feel guilty?

[JessicaR]

Do you know someone, who cheated on their spouse, it ended their marriage? Or someone who had an affair with a married person, which ended their marriage? I know people, but not well enough, to ask....

Do they feel guilty? Do they think what they did was wrong? and if they are now with this person, do they trust them, don't they think he/she would cheat on them?

Just wondering others thoughts, in the past 3 years, several marriages of people I know have ended because of this (2 of my neighbors, my sister and a friend) In 2 of these, the spouse is now with the person they were having the affair with.

Totally depends on the person and the status of their marriage. For the record, the cheaters I know continue to do it, so I guess their guilt level isn't as high as their horn level.

 

[eliza61]

I know a few who cheated on their spouse and actually stayed in the marriage and it got stronger. at least that's what they tell me and I have no reason not to believe them.

My girlfriend cheated on her husband and he on her. They felt they both loved each other and that the cheating was an expression of much deeper problems. They both went to counseling both together and seperate and are now on 15 years of marriage with 3 beautiful children.

Same thing with my uncle. He cheated on his wife, didn't get caught but fessed up. He says he realized that my aunt was the women he loved. They did the same thing, went to counseling and are still happily married.

Both my uncle and girlfriend express that they are deeply sorry for what they did to their loved ones.

 

[frndshpcptn]

This has been on my mind lately.

My cousin just found out that her STB-ex husband was cheating. He started the affair when she was pregnant with thier first child and seems to have no regrets / guilt at all.

He's still with the mistress - they moved in together. The mistress knew he was married and expecting - but that seemed to not matter to her. She clearly has no morals (neither does he).

He blames my cousin for making him unhappy and "forcing" him to seek love elsewhere. But instead of talking to her and working on thier issues he cut and ran. And left her and their 6 month old daughter. She had no idea it was coming. None. And he's so mean to her now that they are separated...just cruel. I want to drive over to his house and kick his butt for her. He takes not one iota of responsibility for his actions.

GRRRRR...it makes me super mad just to think about it....

 

[luvsJack]

I know two men that cheated on thier wives and it ended in divorce.

One cheated while his wife was pregnant. He got caught and as soon as the baby was born, his wife divorced him. He married the one he was cheating with and they have been married for about 17 years. Very happy and very much in love.

Second guy, divorced his wife and married his mistress. They have been married about 6 years and seem very happy and very compatible.

The first guy has never shown any remorse and blames it all on his first wife. The second guy actually came back and apologized to his ex-wife for the pain he caused her and stated that he does feel guilty for not being honest with her.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I've often thought the very narcisistic behavior that might cause someone to cheat would prevent them from experiencing any amount of guilt that comes close to what the poor soul they cheated on experiences.

Perhaps poor self esteem makes cheaters feel entitled to hurt someone?

I completely agree with this poster. There are two women that I am close to that I know are currently cheating. One is a relative and one is/was a friend. My friend has recently left her dh and moved accross the country to be closer to bf only to discover that the bf is already cheating on her (karma anyone?). My relative is involved with a married man and has been carrying on with him for over a year. Her dh knows what is going on and is seriously depressed about the situation but is terrified of her leaving him (he is elderly and does not want to live the rest of his years alone).

Both women blame their dh's on their situation and say that they deserve to be happy because their dh's haven't been "making" them happy for a long time. They are so self absorbed that they don't care that their actions are tearing their family members and kids apart. I honestly think they both feel no guilt about what they are doing and it's really sad. (By the way, from what I understand, both of the men in these situations are pretty well known for being womanizers, so I really doubt either of the women are going to find long term happiness with them.)

 

[LuvOrlando]

I know of people who cheated, a few serial cheaters actually (not my friends but actually some friend's husbands who talk too much in from of DH when drunk), but no marriages that ended because of it. I don't think the cheater feels guilt on their own, if they did they wouldn't do it in the first place. I think the hurt spouse lays on the guilt so the cheater won't leave and any bad feelings the cheater feels come from this.

 

[castmemberb4]

I don't have an answer but I do have a story.

Our best friends got divorced because she was cheating.
She then married the other man. He keeps her on a very tight rein.
Makes her call when she is leaving work and if she's not home
at exactly the right time he's calling her to ask where she is.
His reason, "You cheated on your first husband with me, why should
I trust you ?"
I wouldn't live that way but they've been married for almost 10 years.

 

[Pakey]

My first husband cheated on me (he was a serial cheater) and on his first wife (not with me--he had been divorced a few years when I met him). He has been married again for about 20 years now but I have no idea if he has continued that behavior. I would assume that he did. He never felt any guilt.

At the same time I left him, his brother's wife left his brother for the same reason. I think they must have been raised differently than most of us.

 

[RadioNate]

My soon-to-be-ex cheated. I was blindsighted. Though we had a good marriage. Wasn't perfect but certainly not miserable. He moved ahead of me for a job, met a co-worker who thought he was the greatest thing ever. While it is 100% his responsibility, she wormed her way onto a lonely guy. He ate up the attention and started to believe all the lies he was telling himself.

They are not together. Once he became "serious" about her. She dumped him. She was married too. I don't think her husband knows and I guess they are living happily. I don't know, nor do it care.

I found out and we are divorcing. My soon-to-be-ex feels horrible. He said he felt terrible in it but likens it to being an addict, he would feel horrible, swear he wasn't going to talk to her again and then the second she'd call or text, he'd answer. It fed his ego in a way that I wasn't. I admit that. I would have liked to work on our marriage. But now it is just too late.

He is in a very low place right now. I know he would like to go back and change things. Never have the affair and be honest about how insecure he was feeling in the marriage. He had just lost a job. I was 2000 miles away and not happy about the move. All the pieces fell into place for a dangerous situation. All the research shows how vulnerable even happy marriages are to affairs. I too wish we could go back, but we can't and that is the sadness of it all.

He's doing right by me and the kids but he isn't capable of reconciliation right now so I'm moving on.

 

[Michelle67]

I guess it may be partly the state of the marriage that determines guilt, and partly the personality of the cheater. I suppose people justify themselves in all kinds of ways.

My ex is a serial cheater, and I honestly don't think he has ever felt badly for a moment. When we were together he loudly proclaimed his "right" as a man to go get what he wants anywhere he wants if he isn't getting it at home. Unfortunately, it turned out that what he wants is pretty much to be "serviced" 24/7. He was cheating on me with at least three people that I know of (now...didn't know at the time). With one of them he was having a full-on relationship that included meeting her parents and going to family events and things like that. That was a shocker...and in the end that family ended up treating ME badly in public like I was the "home wrecker" in the situation (gotta love small towns where you are going to run into all your ex's conquests in the grocery store on a weekly basis...). Holy cow. The only other long(ish) term relationship he's had since then, he ruined by cheating with the next door neighbor. In his case I think he's just really sick and has a problem. I honestly feel sorry for him. Especially now that he's coming up on 50, and has nobody in his life. He still finds people to have sex with, but he has no life partner. Granted, some people might be happy single forever, but I really don't get the idea that he is. Also, he was so busy "having a life" and "getting what he deserved" that he never took the time to spend the time he should have with our daughter, and now she is almost 22 and has a life and a family of her own. She doesn't need him anymore, and after all these years she's pretty accustomed to not having him around. He sometimes calls me to whine about the fact that she never calls him, never seems to want to see him.

Sorry to ramble, but I guess I wonder how many other cheaters, in their search to "have it all" end up having nothing instead?

A male friend of mine that I have known for many years likes to say "Just remember that if you get together under dishonest terms, you are most likely going to lose her/him the same way." Who would want to always wonder when they were going to be the one being cheated on?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have no personal experience in this issue from either side (thank goodness) but I would assume like everything else, it depends a lot on the specifics and is not something you can say applies across the board to everyone who cheats (one way or the other).

I find the multiple comments that if the person would feel guilty they would not have cheated in the first place to be odd. People do things all the time that they feel guilty about and wish they had not done, but they still do them (sometimes over and over again). Anything from yelling at their kids, to smoking, to overrating, to skipping church etc. Why is cheating somehow a different animal that people expect no one would ever do and also feel guilty about it I am really curious about this line of thinking for some odd reason (bored tonight I guess)

 

[Liberty Belle]

All situations and all cheaters are different, but I'd bet many, if not most, feel guilty about it.

 

[mr&mrspotatohead]

I am a cheater....and yes, I feel guilty for hurting my husband that way. It's been a year now, and we are trying to work things out. I didn't cheat because of anything that was lacking in my marriage. My husband is very good to me, in all ways. It was something that just happened. Someone from my past came back into my life, and what started out as catching up with an old friend, quickly turned into more. My husband was devastated when he found out, and I felt terrible (and still do) for what it did to him. It has changed our lives forever.

 

[RadioNate]

I have no personal experience in this issue from either side (thank goodness) but I would assume like everything else, it depends a lot on the specifics and is not something you can say applies across the board to everyone who cheats (one way or the other).

I find the multiple comments that if the person would feel guilty they would not have cheated in the first place to be odd. People do things all the time that they feel guilty about and wish they had not done, but they still do them (sometimes over and over again). Anything from yelling at their kids, to smoking, to overrating, to skipping church etc. Why is cheating somehow a different animal that people expect no one would ever do and also feel guilty about it I am really curious about this line of thinking for some odd reason (bored tonight I guess)

I agree. I guess because my STBX-H does feel guilty. I think some would never admit it. I think some are pure narcissists that don't feel guilty. But the majority of those that gets caught up in a bad situation...I think they feel bad. The thing is the "high" they get from the affair is greater than the guilt they feel. It is rationalization, compartmentalization...lots more psychology behind it than it was a crappy marriage and if they were happy they wouldn't have done it.

My my husbands, married other woman. She doesn't feel guilty. Well she is TERRIFIED of someone telling her husband but she doesn't feel bad for me or my kids. She convinced him that "I didn't appreciate him" so she is happy now that he isn't stuck with me. What's funny is I was 2000 miles away, she knew NOTHING of me when they started. She just made up a complete fantasy, sold him on it and that was that. He was incredibly weak. He knows that....now. And he isn't the first married man that she was involved with. She is a very sick person that gets off on doing this.

 

[CurlyGirl]

I know someone who is cheating on her spouse and she said she doesn't feel one ounce of guilt because her husband "is not that into her" (her words, not mine) and they're in a loveless marriage. I asked her why she doesn't divorce him and she said because divorce is expensive, they love each other (but no longer intimately) and she doesn't believe in divorce (but I guess believing in cheating is ok?). I guess it's like a marriage of convenience and they just do their own thing.

I find it odd ... but who the heck am I to judge?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree. I guess because my STBX-H does feel guilty. I think some would never admit it. I think some are pure narcissists that don't feel guilty. But the majority of those that gets caught up in a bad situation...I think they feel bad. The thing is the "high" they get from the affair is greater than the guilt they feel. It is rationalization, compartmentalization...lots more psychology behind it than it was a crappy marriage and if they were happy they wouldn't have done it.

My my husbands, married other woman. She doesn't feel guilty. Well she is TERRIFIED of someone telling her husband but she doesn't feel bad for me or my kids. She convinced him that "I didn't appreciate him" so she is happy now that he isn't stuck with me. What's funny is I was 2000 miles away, she knew NOTHING of me when they started. She just made up a complete fantasy, sold him on it and that was that. He was incredibly weak. He knows that....now. And he isn't the first married man that she was involved with. She is a very sick person that gets off on doing this.

Alison, I am really sorry for what you have been through (and are going through)

 

[tink20]

OP here, thanks everyone for sharing your personal stories and being so upfront and honest. I was just wondering, my sister's ex, is like a totally different person now, he used to be so nice and ever since the affair and divorce, he is a BIG JERK! I just wonder if he is truly happy with this other woman or what? The thing that bugs me the most, is what he has put my niece and nephew through. Again, thanks for sharing, I like getting other peoples opinions, kind of helps the healing process.

 

[bdcp]

I don't think there's every any good reason or justification to cheat. If you are unhappy in your marriage, get help or leave, then you can start dating. In a perfect world, people would feel guilty over the things they do that hurt others but we don't live in a perfect world. We do, however, live in a world where people have choices and making the choice to cheat hurts a lot of people and I, personally would never trust anyone who left their previous spouse for me. I also have a real hard time with the "it just happened" statements that a lot of cheaters make.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I have no personal experience in this issue from either side (thank goodness) but I would assume like everything else, it depends a lot on the specifics and is not something you can say applies across the board to everyone who cheats (one way or the other).

I find the multiple comments that if the person would feel guilty they would not have cheated in the first place to be odd. People do things all the time that they feel guilty about and wish they had not done, but they still do them (sometimes over and over again). Anything from yelling at their kids, to smoking, to overrating, to skipping church etc. Why is cheating somehow a different animal that people expect no one would ever do and also feel guilty about it I am really curious about this line of thinking for some odd reason (bored tonight I guess)

I don't think my position is odd at all. People do not do things they feel guilty over, they are made to feel guilty because someone else feels bad and dumps it at their feet, which makes them feel bad because now they have to deal with a mess. But the act of cheating itself, really, you know people who deliberately do something then say "Oh I hated every minute of it", no, I don't buy it, they hate the consequences and that's all there is to it IMHO. People don't do what they don't want to do, period, which is why most people don't light themselves on fire then say "OOPS", the end.

PS -to each their own, I don't point out what I see as flaws in other people's thinking, I just say what I think, it would be nice if others did the same.

 

[DawnM]

I have a close friend who cheated on her first DH. They had all sorts of problems already in their marriage. She feels bad, but only because she hurt her kids.

Her current marriage.....the guy she cheated with.....already having a LOT of issues.