Disney after the death of a loved one

[Ember]

Once my mum passes, I've told my DH that I think I'd like to go to Disney. It's safe there, and it's a place where you can leave reality behind. I want a week where my biggest worry is what to have for lunch... DH is worried that going too soon after the death of my mother will ruin the experience and create a sad association.

Does anyone have experience with going to Disney (or anywhere, really) shortly after the death of a loved one? Did it ruin the location for you? I know it won't be the happiest trip, and there will probably be sadness, but there has been constant stress and pressure for months, and will continue to be until mum isn't here anymore. Thinking of a vacation after makes it all seem a little more bearable, if that makes sense... (I don't want my mummy to die, not a all. Just don't want anyone to think that.)

 

[kymom99]

My dad died in May of 2008 and we went to Disney about 6 weeks later. It was a good trip. Dad was ill for about 6 weeks before he died so it wasn't a shock, but going to the hospital every day and trying to work was emotionally draining. I was glad we were able to take a vacation.

 

[arrdee11462]

My mom just passed away over the holidays. I also told my DH that after she passed I wanted to go to Disney, it is the one place that we loved (she loved it also) and I knew it would be uplifting after such a sad time in my life.

I don't feel guilty, we have actually invited my father, his wife and now all of her children and grandchildren are coming also. Mom and my Dad were very close even after a divorce and so we are all going to celebrate her in a place she loved.

Go enjoy. Have no regrets. Life is short.

 

[safetymom]

The kids and I went to WDW after my husband died. We came for all the major holidays that first year. It was the perfect place to be. Nobody knew us and we could forget about our troubles for the time we were there.

No one looked at us weird when we walked into a room or stopped talking. Of course it was sad at times too wishing our loved one could have been there.

I saw my kids go back to being kids instead of having the weight of the world on their shoulders. It was priceless!

 

[ValinWV]

I know it is not the same but I will share. My first trip to Disney was just two weeks after having a misscarage. We were at the end of the first trimester and really looking forward to expanding our family. Everything went bad fast and I nearly bled out waiting for surgery. I was consumed with grief. I had to sit alot and watch the kids have fun, but I didn't think about it much for that week and I really enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, exactly the same thing happened again later that same year. My DH promptly bought two airline tickets and sent me and my mom back to Disney for a weekend. Truly the happiest place on earth and for me it gave me permission to laugh and have fun even thought I was grieving. I don't know if this will help or not. This next trip will be our first since my father in law passed away this past Thanksgiving.

 

[ancestry]

Same here. My dad died in June 2002. We left for Disney the day we buried him. We had the triped planned long before he became ill. His last request to us was that we continue on with our plans no matter what as he thought the kids deserved a trip to Disney. We were able to arrange it so we left the night of the funeral.

 

[Meteora]

I really think it depends on you and your family and what Disney means to you. My cousin and her mom went to Disney a few months after the death of her sister--they had bought annual passes, and Disney was kind enough to allow a friend to travel with them and use her sister's pass, given the circumstances. However, while I think they intended for it to be a light trip, it was very hard for them. There were just a lot of memories. That was almost ten years ago, and they haven't been back since. They think they might be ready now, but they still have not actually made plans to return. I think, had they waited a bit longer, it might not have been quite so sad for them, and they might have been able to look back on those memories and smile rather than still being in a period of true grieving.

However, obviously other people here have had different experiences, so as I said, it's really about you and what you are ready for.

 

[MidgeD79]

We went back to WDW about one year after my ds died and one year after dd died.IT was fine. There were some things I couldn't do just yet, but we talked about what rides and shows they each liked and if we thought they would have liked now. It's ok. It will never be the same for us - just different.

 

[hollierae]

We took a trip to Disney 2 months after my grandfather (whom i was very close to) passed away. It was great to get away and be at Disney. For me, Disney just makes all life's problems go away for a little while.

There were even moments that would bring back memories of a trip that I had taken with him there years before. Those moments actually brought a smile to my face and did not make me sad at all.

 

[MaxsDad]

We took a trip about 6 months after my grandmother passed. My mother decided that she didn't want to be home for her birthday since it would be the first one that her mother wouldn't be calling her on. My sister and I don't live close so I think the combination of being in Disney and having us all there helped a lot.

 

[dbriggsq]

Don't know about a trip to Disney but I did take a trip to Sarasota from the UK (for other reasons) about 4 weeks after my Dad died and took some of his ashes to scatter at our favourite spot on the Gulf of Mexico.

It was a good time for me because I had some time alone after a stressful time to reflect.

I did spend a couple of day at Disney and when I watched Illuminations and listened to 'We'll go on though the sorrow and the tears' it was very emotional but also encouraging because life does go on.

 

[bleeps]

This thread caught my eye because my mother passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday (2/10). I can tell you that the last thing on earth I would want to do right now is go to Disney World. Everyone grieves differently, but I just cannot imagine.

My advice is that you call up your mother right now, or go and see her, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you can't bear the thought of losing her, and that life will never be the same without her. Thank her for everything she ever did for you, and find out what you can do for her. Put all your energy into making the time you have left precious. Then, later, when the time comes, see where your heart leads you.

 

[Disney Doll]

MIL died early December 2001, after we had cared for her for about 3 months prior to that. We went to WDW about 6 weeks or so later. Best thing we ever did for DH's sake. The weather was gorgeous (thanks MIL !) and we really relaxed, took a slow pace, ate well, swam in the pool....sort of felt all the stress of the previous months melt away.

DH & I went through a lot of grieving with trying to have a baby. I can remember shortly after one of my many miscarriages I was listening to the Disney CD, the SpectroMagic music came on, I was awling like a baby, DH came home unexpectedly and cuaght me and I said "I want to go to Disney!!!!!". We called, got some GREAT car rates, a GREAT rate at WL, a great price for our flight, and we were off about 3 week later.

 

[Riverhill]

This thread caught my eye because my mother passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday (2/10). I can tell you that the last thing on earth I would want to do right now is go to Disney World. Everyone grieves differently, but I just cannot imagine.

My advice is that you call up your mother right now, or go and see her, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you can't bear the thought of losing her, and that life will never be the same without her. Thank her for everything she ever did for you, and find out what you can do for her. Put all your energy into making the time you have left precious. Then, later, when the time comes, see where your heart leads you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Dan Murphy]

's Ember, and bleeps, along with everyone here.

 

[Ember]

This thread caught my eye because my mother passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday (2/10). I can tell you that the last thing on earth I would want to do right now is go to Disney World. Everyone grieves differently, but I just cannot imagine.

My advice is that you call up your mother right now, or go and see her, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you can't bear the thought of losing her, and that life will never be the same without her. Thank her for everything she ever did for you, and find out what you can do for her. Put all your energy into making the time you have left precious. Then, later, when the time comes, see where your heart leads you.

I moved home the day she was diagnosed, seven months ago. My mother's care is my whole world right now. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and I understand where the advice you're giving is coming from, but it's not needed. I tell my mum every few minutes that I love her; each time she wets the bed, or needs her fluids changed, or needs a hand to hold, or I'm reading to her to ease her sleep.

Edit: I reacted very strongly and angrily to your post, but took a minute calm down and think about it. I have lost most of my family, both in sudden ways and in drawn out ways. Neither is easy, but they are different emotionally. Being a care giver for someone at the end of their life is an amazing gift. You're able to talk about everything and say all the things you never get to when someone dies suddenly. But it also means I have spent the last months grieving as my mum slowly slips away. My existence right now is in service to someone else. I don't even take a shower unless my husband is able to sit with my mum in case she needs something. Can you not understand how, given the situation, the desire to not be responsible for a while would be alluring?

 

[ABE4DISNEY]

We just experienced this as well in November. My mother passed away 3 weeks before our scheduled trip. (She had also accompanied us on our last 3 trips to Disney.) Yes, there were moments of sadness on our trip when I walked by one of her favorite sitting places and such, but overall for us, it was a break from reality. It was the one time in the last 2 months or so that I was enjoying life and my family. We had a wonderful time. However, I will warn you that it is a much harder come down when you return. Leaving Disney is always a bit depressing, but coming home to reality this time was even worse. But I'm still so glad we went. Prayers and hugs out to you and your family.

 

[bumbershoot]

Ember... I know things are so hard right now...I know you guys are living with her, and you're doing everything you can to help her...you are so awesome in my eyes...


You're always going to think about her when you go to WDW. You'll be mourning whether you go soon or not. If you don't mind the idea of being sad while there, if you don't have a problem with crying in public, I don't think going will be a bad thing. Just recognize that you would be doing that anyway...might as well be at Epcot instead of the grocery store, ya know?

But be easy on yourself. Don't plan anything you can't cancel. Get plane tickets that can be changed without penalties. Book a hotel that you can afford to just leave in the middle of the stay if you need to, and be OK if the hotel still charges you for the rest of your visit. Buy some really big, dark sunglasses that you can pop on if you start welling up. Being in water is nice if you're crying because you aren't as obvious, and people might think it's just the chlorine. Just take it easy.

Wherever you are...WDW, your home, camping, quick flight to Russia...it's going to be hard and sad.


Now the one thing you might deal with is the reactions of othe people. You might choose to not tell them where you are going. People are weird and judgy about the grief of other people. In my friends' eyes, I've grieved too long and too heavily. At the same time, the day I got The Call, I had a "spa" day planned with my friends (workout at the Y, go to the local Korean women's spa, and have lunch) and I went ahead with those plans, because it seemed to be a REALLY good day to sit in a sauna, have a body scrub, and be surrounded by my friends. Some people reacted very strangely to that, even though it was the best for ME at that time. Might not have worked for THEM, but it was good for me.

But it's worth thinking about, when thinking of telling others of your plans.


For your husband...while I was on my own during my own initial grief (mom died in March, I met Robert in October), Dh has always been extra awesome about my sadness. And when his dad died 3 years ago I have been able to return the favor. The biggest thing, IMO, a spouse can do is to just be there for the one in grief. If he's right and it's too soon, he can be there as you lick your wounds from having made the imperfect decision. If it's OK, he can still support you as you go through what you'll go through. The best he can do is just be there for you...to hear you when you talk, to talk about how great your mom is, to hug you when you need it, and to stop hugging you (and not get his feelings hurt) if it's too much for you right then.



Hope that helps. I know this time is so hard, and I'm sorry to be so matter of fact about things. I do, of course, hope that your mom miraculously heals from all of this, I hope that you don't need any of my info, or that it's not soon at the very least.

 

[maiapapaya]

My condolences bleeps. And Ember I totally understand what you're going through. We lost our mother almost three years ago to cancer and I spent everyday at the hospital for three months. We just lost our dad to cancer a month ago.

Even though both deaths were not unexpected and as a care-giver there is that sense of relief (obviously not relief that they are gone, but it is wrenching to sit vigil with a loved one who is suffering) I still felt/feel numb after. It's kind of like going through the motions, but not really feeling/fully experiencing everything that is going on around you.

If I were to go to WDW in the next couple of weeks I think it would be not a very great experience, especially since I have two young kids (I wouldn't want it to be a negative experience for them). That being said, however, everyone grieves differently. If you just want to go and soak up the atmosphere and take it for what may come (ie. possibly feeling very blue or not fully engaged in the experience) why not? It may be just what you need - to go vegetate in a wonderful place.

I have a slightly different, but similar plan. Immediately after my father passed away I TOLD my DH that we are taking our kids to WDW for a holiday trip at the beginning of December. I anticipate that Christmas will be very difficult this year with both of my parents gone (I'm only 42, that's not the way it's "supposed" to be). I hope that by then I will be feeling more "normal" and able to enjoy the experience with my family. In the mean time it gives me something positive/brighter to focus on. Whenever I feel overwhelmed by my sadness or dealing with the drudgery of all the red tape of taking care of the estate I can turn to planning or dreaming about our trip and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Planogirl]

We went to WDW just a few months after my Dad suddenly died but only because it was already booked. It was definitely not like normal. I bought my Dad one of the pavement bricks but that was only a little comforting.