Disney after the death of a loved one

[maiapapaya]

I also meant to say that your reaction to WDW and it leaving you with a negative association may depend on your association with WDW to your mother. If it is some place that was special for the two of you together or where you spend a lot of family vacations you may experience a lot of grief the first time you go back. I find that a lot - an association of something to one of my parents can bring a lot of sadness. However, I think as the grief passes those associations will bring happy memories.

Good luck with everything. You are in my thoughts.

 

[verticalchaos]

Hugs and good thoughts to both ember and bleeps. Also maiapapaya.

I will say that there is a difference not only in how people deal with death in general but also there will be differences based on how it happens. I am IN NO WAY saying that one is easier than another, or that anyone is ever fully prepared, so hear me out please.

In a case like ember's, she's been caring for her mother since a diagnosis. There is enormous stress involved in this kind of care. My grandfather was in and out of the hospital for the last few weeks of his life, and my mom was able to be there for most of it. A nice break to get away after that was a nice chance for her to d some recovering and grieving in her own way. Also, to a degree, in a case like this, death is in a way a relief. I'm not saying it's a reason to celebrate. Please don't get me wrong. It is still enormously difficult. But when there is a case of disease, in a way family members begin their grieving at that moment. Yes there is still enormous grief when the death happens, but the grieving process has already begun.

When a death happens unexpectedly, as bleeps has stated happened in her (I think?) mother's case, the family has not had any of the time to begin the grieving process prior to the death. There is the shock of the suddenness of it to deal with on top of all the plans that may not have been discussed.

While death IS death, the way in which it happens does have an impact on how we grieve and the manner in which we grieve. Just as I think it's unfair for bleeps - or anyone - to say that it's wrong to even think about going on vacation after a death, it's also unfair for anyone to say that bleeps or anyone who has lost someone unexpectedly should deal with it any way other than the way they are.

I hope this makes sense. It's difficult to say what I'm trying to without someone thinking I'm taking sides. Basically I'm saying that circumstances ARE different ultimately depending on if the death is unexpected or expected. I am NOT saying that one is easier than the other.

 

[Vivianne]

I can understand.

Give yourself a break. It's a matter of making peace with yourself and your relative.

It can also be you're taking them with you in your heart. That's the way I see it.

You can smile even if you have tears in your eyes and heart. The love and remembrance and honoring their memory will always be there. Love never dies.



I lost my mom a year after I got married 22 years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX6G_MBXPl8&feature=related

 

[Emily Louise's Mom]

We got to Disney every year and last year we did not plan a trip because my Dad had stage 4 bone cancer and I was afraid to leave. He passed away on June 27 and about a week later I told my husband that I just wanted to go. So I planned a trip and 6 weeks later we left. He was definetly with us in spirit. They were quite a few things that happen that let me know he was around. I found it quite comforting. It was a placed we enjoyed together and I enjoyed with my own family. It was exactly what I needed.

 

[fla4fun]

Disney World has always been our happy place - whether it's a job loss, or a car accident, or a serious illness or death. Other than our religious faith, it's been the way we reduce stress so we can make it through whatever challenges we face.

We went to Disney World the day after my grandmother's funeral. My Dad's mother had lived with us for years - legally blind and deaf, and fighting cancer. It was stressful on all of us. Because she was being interred out of state, none of us felt like sitting around thinking about them loading her on the plane (we were living near Tampa at the time, so it's not like we had to go far to get to WDW). I'm not saying it was our happiest trip, but it wasn't the unhappiest trip either - by a long shot. It kept our thoughts occupied and allowed us to de-stress after the years of care. It made going on our regularly scheduled WDW vacation a few months later much easier for us, as that wasn't "the first trip after . . ."

It seems like, from reading this thread, that the people who have gone, and felt good about going, were in the same position as we, and the OP - long-term caregivers who have really gone through much of the grieving process before we lose our family member. I can totally understand how the families who have lost loved ones suddenly and unexpectedly would feel differently. There's no right or wrong answer to this one - it's based on each individual family and their needs. No one should feel guilty if they want to go, and no one should feel guilty if they don't. The grieving process is different for everyone.

My condolences to all who have suffered a recent loss.

 

[3happydancers]

My mom just passed away over the holidays. I also told my DH that after she passed I wanted to go to Disney, it is the one place that we loved (she loved it also) and I knew it would be uplifting after such a sad time in my life.

I don't feel guilty, we have actually invited my father, his wife and now all of her children and grandchildren are coming also. Mom and my Dad were very close even after a divorce and so we are all going to celebrate her in a place she loved.

Go enjoy. Have no regrets. Life is short.

Just wanted to express my condolences to you. So sorry for your loss!!! I lost my mom 8 months ago and we were very close.

About 8 weeks after, we too went to Disney, a place she loved and so do we. I had my moments while at Disney, but not in a bad way. Like you said, it was more a celebration "in a place she loved".

 

[maiapapaya]

In a case like ember's, she's been caring for her mother since a diagnosis. There is enormous stress involved in this kind of care. My grandfather was in and out of the hospital for the last few weeks of his life, and my mom was able to be there for most of it. A nice break to get away after that was a nice chance for her to d some recovering and grieving in her own way. Also, to a degree, in a case like this, death is in a way a relief. I'm not saying it's a reason to celebrate. Please don't get me wrong. It is still enormously difficult. But when there is a case of disease, in a way family members begin their grieving at that moment. Yes there is still enormous grief when the death happens, but the grieving process has already begun.

This is so true verticalchaos. Once you know your loved one is going to die you begin grieving them. Living this grief every day, while having the certainty of a coming death hanging over you is extremely draining and stressful. As I said in my post there is a huge emotional relief when the death finally occurs.

A note about the trip I mentioned planning. When I booked the CM kept pushing for what we were celebrating. I told her it wasn't so much of a celebration and explained the circumstances. She was fantastic. She decided our trip should be "the __ family vacation in celebration of the memory of Papa." A little wordy, but a sweet sentiment. Make your trip a celebration of your mother and allow yourself this getaway (whether it's immediately after your mother passes away or after you take some time to grieve).

 

[3happydancers]

This thread caught my eye because my mother passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday (2/10). I can tell you that the last thing on earth I would want to do right now is go to Disney World. Everyone grieves differently, but I just cannot imagine.

My advice is that you call up your mother right now, or go and see her, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you can't bear the thought of losing her, and that life will never be the same without her. Thank her for everything she ever did for you, and find out what you can do for her. Put all your energy into making the time you have left precious. Then, later, when the time comes, see where your heart leads you.

So sorry!

 

[MSMomTJ]

This thread caught my eye because my mother passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday (2/10). I can tell you that the last thing on earth I would want to do right now is go to Disney World. Everyone grieves differently, but I just cannot imagine.

My advice is that you call up your mother right now, or go and see her, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you can't bear the thought of losing her, and that life will never be the same without her. Thank her for everything she ever did for you, and find out what you can do for her. Put all your energy into making the time you have left precious. Then, later, when the time comes, see where your heart leads you.

Bleep, as someone who lost her daddy unexpectedly (over a year ago), I totally understand where you are coming from and why you said the things you did. I can tell you that you will find peace - or something close to it - eventually. Hugs and prayers for you.

Ember, I don't really have any advice for you. You and YOU ALONE know what you need to do in order to grieve and relieve the grief. If Disney is it, then go for it!! I also hope that you understand that bleeps meant no offense in what she said to you. Granted, I don't know her, but it's something that I would have said, esp. in the days following my daddy's death. When a close loved one dies very unexpectedly, you're left wishing that you could say all those things, and you don't want anyone else to feel the way you do. Hugs and prayers for you, too.

 

[MSLRAC]

Our second trip was just 2 months after my dad died suddenly from a heart attack. I was 4 months pregnant with our first child and it was a much needed and wonderful trip.

It gave me a chance to just forget about everything that had quickly overwhelmed me. The best part for me was watching Illuminations. The song "We Go On" spoke to me and I can honestly say that the pixie dust from that week began to heal my heart.

This trip is 6 months after my FIL passed away and I hope that all the pixie dust has the same effect on my DH. He truly needs some time away to forget about the events of the last year and just live the moment in the magic.

 

[Ember]

I also hope that you understand that bleeps meant no offense in what she said to you. Granted, I don't know her, but it's something that I would have said, esp. in the days following my daddy's death. When a close loved one dies very unexpectedly, you're left wishing that you could say all those things, and you don't want anyone else to feel the way you do. Hugs and prayers for you, too.

I know. My initial reaction was angry because it felt like tone of the message was saying "you don't care about your mum if you go on a vacation after her death." But when I thought about how I felt after losing a family member suddenly I understood where the sentiment was coming from.

I'm also relieved that other posters knew where I was coming from. When you live day in and day out with the knowledge that someone you love is dying, it's wearing in a way no words can express. The future is full of heavy responsibility and heartache right now. I've been grieving since the day I found out and cried more that I thought possible. Then, as each day passes, and my mum becomes weaker I grieve for every small loss. The person my mum is now is nothing like the person she was a year ago.

I talk to my husband about Disney because I need something, anything, to look forward to.

 

[mcgraws]

Our first trip to Disney was in February 2006 and my dad got sick suddenly on January 16th and passed away on the 20th. We decided that we'd still go and it was the best decision we could have made. It really helped to get us over the immediate sadness. I cried like a baby the first evening watching Wishes but after that it was like a boulder had been lifted off my shoulders. It was what Dad would have wanted.

 

[autumnpalm]

Ember, I've been following your journey on the CB and read how hard the past months have been on you and your DH. You are an angel for everything you have done with your family and deserve happiness and relaxation anywhere you can find it. If that is Disney World, then go!

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I pray for you and your mother often. You are an amazing daughter and I hope if you decide to go, you have a trip full of joy and happy memories.

 

[karen l]

I took my children to WDW several months after we lost my DH to cancer. I think I needed the trip more than them but it was fantastic for all of us. I took care of my DH at home - it was his wish to stay home & not enter hospice. Taking care of a loved one is so demanding physically & emotionally. For us, WDW was the best therapy in the world. We all talked about him during our trip but we were able to focus on happy memories. I hope you're able to do the same on your trip. Wishing you all the best.

 

[helenk]

My mother passed away in August of 2007, after being diagnoised with Lung cancer in Feb of that same year.
I have been to Disney a lot, and was thankful that my mother went with me on some of those trips. In May of 2006 when we got back from the Flower and Garden Festival my brother starting talking about how he and my mom and other brother had been to WDW when my brothers were teenagers and what a great time they had.
As my mother became ill, we all took care of her (there are 5 of us) and periodically we'd talk about our trips. My mom told my brother he really should go to WDW with his step daughters and their children. We even talked about where she would like some of her ashes scattered (POFQ).
When she passed away, she had left each of us some money, and my brother decided right away that he wanted to go to Disney, and he wanted me to go as his tour guide.
We went in October and had a good time, we took some of her ashes over to the courtyard and the POFQ and we had a good cry. I still get teary eyed when I watch Wishes or go on the attractions that she loved, Mickey's Philharmagic, Soarin, The France Pavillion and others.
There really is something about going to Disney that makes you feel better, its actually a kind of comfort to me.
After we settled my mother's estate I bought into the Disney Vacation Club, it was something that I had talked about doing for years. So now every time I go to WDW I stand out on the balcony my first night and thank my mom.

 

[arrdee11462]

I moved home the day she was diagnosed, seven months ago. My mother's care is my whole world right now. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and I understand where the advice you're giving is coming from, but it's not needed. I tell my mum every few minutes that I love her; each time she wets the bed, or needs her fluids changed, or needs a hand to hold, or I'm reading to her to ease her sleep.

Edit: I reacted very strongly and angrily to your post, but took a minute calm down and think about it. I have lost most of my family, both in sudden ways and in drawn out ways. Neither is easy, but they are different emotionally. Being a care giver for someone at the end of their life is an amazing gift. You're able to talk about everything and say all the things you never get to when someone dies suddenly. But it also means I have spent the last months grieving as my mum slowly slips away. My existence right now is in service to someone else. I don't even take a shower unless my husband is able to sit with my mum in case she needs something. Can you not understand how, given the situation, the desire to not be responsible for a while would be alluring?

I have not read the whole thread but need to just say,
I just spent the last year and 1/2 with my mom doing just as you describe. I was her primary hospice caregiver, and cherished every moment, just as you - grieving along the way. You are doing all the right things (not that I think you need me to tell you, I just want to anyways).

You are right about different types of loss, My wonderful sister was killed suddenly 14 yrs ago and the grief process was so dramatically different than with my mom.

Just do what feels good to you, go on a long vacation. You deserve it.

 

[swald91]

I don't know how you guys do it....I LOVE Disney but I would have a tough time going -especially without the ones that go together, hubby, kids & my mom. We took my (when dad was alive)dad & mom & our daughter. After he passed the experience was different-then we had our son so taking him we were seeing it through a child's eyes 1st time again...I know some situations that a vacation is needed especially after dealing with long illnesses not sure if Disney would be what I needed.... to all of you who did this!

 

[sjs314]

I lost my son, age 29 this past July, we have been to WDW as a family many times the last being March of 2009 with my son and his wife. If I could have gone to WDW for my sons birthday in August following his passing and Halloween, Thanksgiving , Christmas etc etc etc I think it might have made getting thru the holidays a lot easier....well my son and I just last December talked about going down to WDW for Christmas some year soooooooooooo.......I decided this would be the year. Odd as it may sound I am going this November with my ex-husband and possibly my older son and his wife. I know too it will be sad at times since we all have so many good memories of past trips and I expect to be quite emotional when I see Splash Mountain , this was my sons favorite ride but my son will be there with us all in our hearts.

 

[mickeymouse108]

My mom died in feb. of 1991 less than a year after I was married she found out she was sick two weeks before my wedding so our first year of marriage was stressful we lived in CT and mom was in VT we went home every weekend three and a half hour drive up and back we were so tired when mom died and we went to Disney in june for our first wedding anv. we took my DAD with us and it did not ruin disney for me I love it all the more it gave me happiness when I really needed it.

 

[mickeymouse108]

Our second trip was just 2 months after my dad died suddenly from a heart attack. I was 4 months pregnant with our first child and it was a much needed and wonderful trip.

It gave me a chance to just forget about everything that had quickly overwhelmed me. The best part for me was watching Illuminations. The song "We Go On" spoke to me and I can honestly say that the pixie dust from that week began to heal my heart.

This trip is 6 months after my FIL passed away and I hope that all the pixie dust has the same effect on my DH. He truly needs some time away to forget about the events of the last year and just live the moment in the magic.

I just wanted to say so sorry for your loss. Reading your post brought back memories. I was nine months pregnant with my first child when my dad died unexpectedly it was so hard but I know for me when it happened I needed something so after my daughter was born my husband and I took a trip not to disney but to my godmother who lived in AZ and we did alot of fun things and it is the best thing just to give you a break from the sorrow.

if you read my other post you will see I lost both my parents very close together my mom died in 1991 less than a year after I got married and then dad died in 1993 when I was 23 and expecting my first child. With so much sorrow there is nothing wrong with doing something fun and being happy.