Disadvantaged Neighbor's Kids

[peg2001]

We have a new family in the neighborhood. They are renting a house across the street from us and from what I can figure out, includes: mom & dad, grandma & grandpa, children ages 4, 6, 8, and 15, as well as another child age 17 along with his girlfriend and baby.

The 4, 6, and 8 year olds play outside a lot and I never see an adult out supervising them or even checking on them. I often don't think they are dressed appropriately for the weather, running barefoot when I am wearing layers to stay warm. They come over to our house 2 to 5 times a day asking to play with our DDs (2 and 5). They aren't rude but are unruly (they'll ask before they pull a toy out of our garage to play with but don't listen or follow the rules I try to lay out). They always ask for food and drink and to play with our toys. They don't put things away when they are finished playing with them, even when I tell them to, and recently, have been leaving halloween candy wrappers in our yard.

I feel sorry for them and want to bring them in every time they come over and feed them something healthy and let them play in a safe and supervised situation. However, I'm not comfortable with the way they behave around my kids and the fact that they don't listen to me and do what I say. I am also concerned that if they were hit by a car while running between our houses, that I would somehow be liable for damages.

What would you do?
Peggy

 

[wvjules]

I would talk to an adult in the household and tell them of your concerns. Let them know that you don't mind their kids coming to play, but you expect them to listen to your rules or they are not welcome anymore. I'd also let them know about the trash and casually mention the weather being chilly lately and hope they get the hint. But honestly, I dont' think anything you do/can say will make a difference if they home situation is like you imagine it to be.

 

[Pam]

wvjules said it perfectly.
(But I'd have a tough time confronting the parents! It sounds as though they just let the kids run at will, and I'm afraid they would just get nasty with you.)

Pam

 

[aahmom1]

So sad, I hate to see kids not dressed for the weather, or getting the attention they deserve, poor babies.

 

[Bob O]

If it was me i would keep my kids away from these kids!!! If they come from this type of behaviour i would worry that their actions would rub off on my own properly brought up kids and they would be a negative influence!!

 

[Serena]

I on the other hand would welcome them, but make them mind or tell them to go home.
They will eventually learn the rules and that they do have to follow them. And they will be back, they need someone to play with and to care.

Just make them follow your rules from the start.

 

[Robin]

I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff. I would welcome the kids at anytime... I would give them positive attention and try to reason with them. These children need a positive place to go... that's why they keep wanting to play with your children.

 

[Bob O]

From the initial post i think the kids want food an d toys and arent concerned about the role models and their behavior can only hurt well brought up kids, or have we forgotten about what negative influences can have on kids???

 

[crazyforgoofy]

I'd welcome them when its the right time in my family schedule, insist they follow our "house" rules and behave themselves. I'd also make sure they were well taken care of at home(ample food, appropriate clothing and supervision) or I'd be calling child protective services to let them know the situation. Every kid from a chaotic, non-supportive home needs models of behavior and somebody who cares even if its the people across the street. And I don't think their behavior is going to rub off on my kids, just the opposite actually.

 

[peg2001]

I appreciate all the feedback and suggestions. Some of the things these children have said have just about broke my heart. The 6-yr-old girl, the day after Halloween, was munching candy from a large gallon-sized ziplock bag, and came to me to ask for a sandwich. If a young child with a big bag of candy is asking for a sandwich, I get the impression that they aren't fed regular meals at home.

This girl also one day asked very sweetly "Can we come inside and play with your girls and you can watch us?" Far from relishing her freedom, she is craving appropriate adult supervision.

Bob O, thank you too for your viewpoint. I am struggling with this because I've noticed my DD5 acting out a bit when she is playing with these kids so I understand about behavior rubbing off on other kids.

I have considered calling social services, especially one day when I heard one of the children screaming inside their home. But, obviously, I couldn't tell if it was just a tantrum or if they were being mistreated. I don't see any unusual bruises or marks on them.

I should mention that another neighbor has called the police twice on this family. Once when there was a fight in their driveway and once about vandalism to the side of her house (where the neighbor kids had shot paint balls). She also had tickets taken from her front door and when she asked the teen-boy neighbor about it, he grilled the younger siblings and was able to return the tickets. She won't let her 4 young boys play with these kids but her DH does.

Peggy

 

[Tina]

I don't know if talking to the parents would help the situation at all. They may see you as "the bad guy" after such a conversation. Its obvious that the parents have not taken the time to teach their kids about rules (although it sounds like they do have some manners), but they may have been raised that way themselves. I would continue to allow the children over. Take this opportunity to let them learn the way your kids behave. Teach them about rules. This whole story reminds me a little of my own childhood. My mom wasn't exactly "mom of the year." I was never taught manners or even hygiene. I learned much of that from my best friend's family. I still remember how awkward I felt when she made me say "Thank You" and "Please," but I learned. She was a kind woman who saw the potential in me, rather than the bad. You could be that same woman to these children.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Very well said, Tina.

 

[Bob O]

Regarding child neglect/abuse. Itseasy to prove child abuse because there are going to be evidence in bruises etc. When it comes to child neglect the burden of proof is much higher as if a family is poor they can use that to counter charges of not feeding the kids properly and in regards to kids behavior the courts give parents alot of latitude in how they deicde to bring up their kids and what we may consider neglect isnt what the court may consider neglect. Ive had cases where parents have lift small kids alone for what i felt was too long and for not good reason but when it comes to issuing charges in those cases i have found(at least in my state)that only in the worst cases are charges issued and if nothing bad happens to the kids little happens to the parents.
While it sounds nice and may make people feel good to invite troublesome kids in their house and play mentor i would be much more concerned on how my kids are going to re-act to seeing kids behaving in a manner different than they do and then want to emulate that type of behavior. Once kids start dwon the wrong path it is very hard to get them on the straight and narrow.

 

[Serena]

Bob, I really agree with you. I would probably be better off if I could do it your way. But I can't.
When I see a kid that needs someone to care, I step in. I don't know how not to. It does have it's disadvantages, but we get through them.
So far I have been lucky and not gotten into too much trouble by butting in.
But I am aware of the risks, and I'll remember what you've said.