Difficult Situation

[Granny square]

I can't imagine my stepmom not being at our wedding, or my mother objecting to her being there. My parents support isn't based on pretending they are still a couple, lol.

 

[TLuvsD]

Granny Squares makes an excellent point....the support of the children does not need to be based the the "ex's" pretending to still be a couple. They divorced. That is the reality. No need to be extremely harsh about it, open communication is a good thing, respect for each other, etc. But that isn't the same as being the date for a general family wedding (not the wedding of a mutual child, but a member of the former inlaw family), cancelling plans because the ex doesn't like them, spending the only day off with the ex and child as "family time".
The reality is these people divorced. They aren't a family any longer. Time to stop acting like family---transition to acting like friends raising a child together.

 

[Mkrop]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

This is not the situation for the OP, this is not HIS son's wedding but some family member of the ex.

Plus I think it would be incredibly rude of you to tell your ex who he can or can not bring to the wedding. It is one thing if the relationship has not been going on for awhile maybe to ask them to sit with the guests but if it is a long term relationship I am hoping the father, your ex would tell you to go pound sand, I am having whoever I want sit in the pew.

What if your exDH meets someone tomorrow and by the time the wedding rolls around they are pretty serious, you are really going to tell him he cant bring her????? I would no longer be dating that man if he did not have the guts to tell you that I was coming. I would most likely not feel comfortable in a pew with him if it had been less than a year but I would want to be his date for the wedding

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I haven't read anything past the first page but this is not a situation I would put up with.

However, he made it pretty clear right from the get go, this is how things work with him and his ex and I doubt he has any plans on changing that. Now that you have seen what his situation all entails, you need to decide if this is something you can live with. If not, I would bow out before you and kids get even more attached than you already are.

 

[Granny square]

This is not the situation for the OP, this is not HIS son's wedding but some family member of the ex.

Plus I think it would be incredibly rude of you to tell your ex who he can or can not bring to the wedding. It is one thing if the relationship has not been going on for awhile maybe to ask them to sit with the guests but if it is a long term relationship I am hoping the father, your ex would tell you to go pound sand, I am having whoever I want sit in the pew.

What if your exDH meets someone tomorrow and by the time the wedding rolls around they are pretty serious, you are really going to tell him he cant bring her????? I would no longer be dating that man if he did not have the guts to tell you that I was coming. I would most likely not feel comfortable in a pew with him if it had been less than a year but I would want to be his date for the wedding

I agree. Having great communication about the kids is wonderful. That has nothing to do with acting like a couple.

 

[RachaelA]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

Okay this is crazy. You'd want to pretend that significant others or spouses don't exist (if they actually do)? Should my 2 half brothers not have had their stepparents and their 4 half siblings (me included) at their weddings? You aren't married to your ex anymore. There is no way you should be acting like you are still together. You are not any less supportive of your son if you bring a SO or spouse to his wedding.

 

[mrsklamc]

Okay this is crazy. You'd want to pretend that significant others or spouses don't exist (if they actually do)? Should my 2 half brothers not have had their stepparents and their 4 half siblings (me included) at their weddings? You aren't married to your ex anymore. There is no way you should be acting like you are still together. You are not any less supportive of your son if you bring a SO or spouse to his wedding.

Well, and really, who an ex brings to a wedding is none of their ex's business. The bride and groom get to decide who is coming.

 

[Poohforyou]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

This isn't the same as the OP's situation at all but I can't help wondering what your son wants in this situation. It's his wedding and if that means you have to be without an escort because your son has a relationship with his dad's girlfriend than that's what you have to do.

 

[okeydokey]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

Completely different situation. In the OPs case, her boyfriend was not invited to the wedding on his own. He is being taken as a date by his ex-wife.

I don't want to sound critical, but in your situation, I think it is mean for you to say your ex can't bring his girlfriend to the wedding of his own son. It sounds like if you don't have a date, you don't want your ex to either.

 

[ksjayhawks]

OP--Please reread this thread. Pay special attention to the posts from women who have been there, done that. They have great advice to you.

You went into this relationship knowing he spent every Sunday with ex and son, that they did other things as a family. What gave you the idea that this would magically change when you two became serious? The first red flag should have been when ex objected to you and he taking your kids to a movie. . . and bf stopped the outing, bowing to the exwife.

This wedding issue is another red flag, a big red flag. I don't buy the "if it was in the future, you would go" line. You two have been dating for EIGHT months, talking for a about 1 1/2 years. It is not like you starting dating two weeks before the wedding. . . you were together long enough to qualify as the SO status for an invitation. BF didn't get his own invitation, so former bil didn't really care if he was there, but ex wanted him there--and he went. what do you think will happen when ex gets wind of the fact that bf wants to come live with you this summer and bring son along? Can't wait to hear the explanation he gives you as to why he and son won't be coming after all.

I would not have my kids involved with bf at all until he proves that he puts you first. Right now he doesn't, and as other posters said, you don't even come in 2nd or 3rd. those go to son, ex, and his work. His day off is spent with the ex. You have to go to his bar to spend time with him and how can that be good, quality time together? You are getting the leftovers. Please, please do not expose your kids to this and have them see the way that you are being treated!

What is the custody arrangement between him and ex? when does ex have son, when does BF? They should be each attending their own family events with son. They can both go to his activities--and bring their SO if it is a long term, stable relationship--and spend birthday celebrations together, again with long term SO. But they don't have to spend holidays together, they don't have to pretend to be a family when they aren't. If they and son feel the need to meet for a quick supper/lunch together in a public place once a month to make sure they are up on school, activities, discipline issues, etc, no problem there.

BUT---bf should be separated emotionally from ex and he isn't. She still calls the shots, she still controls what he does, he tells you to be patient, tells you to wait for "someday". He wants to have his cake (the way things are with ex) and eat it too (relationship with you).

What are you gaining from this relationship? Don't you want someone who puts you first, who wants to spend time with you, who cherishes you and your feelings? You are not going to get this with him, at least the way he is right now.

Honestly, I would sit down with him again and let him know that you can't continue on like you are, with him so emotionally involved with ex that he puts her feelings and needs in front of yours. Tell him you love him, but that you can't go on like this. You are ending this relationship as you deserve a man that is committed to you. When he pulls the "but it is for my son", you can respond that you admire his dedication to his son, but not the way he is doing in through the intense involvement with the ex. tell him that when he is ready to put you first as the woman in his life--not just through words but through actions, to let you know. If you are still available, you will be glad to talk and maybe try again.

 

[Granny square]

Completely different situation. In the OPs case, her boyfriend was not invited to the wedding on his own. He is being taken as a date by his ex-wife.

I don't want to sound critical, but in your situation, I think it is mean for you to say your ex can't bring his girlfriend to the wedding of his own son. It sounds like if you don't have a date, you don't want your ex to either.

No kidding. It is time to pull on the big girl panties and show her kids that life moves on and that is ok.

 

[threeboysmom]

This isn't the same as the OP's situation at all but I can't help wondering what your son wants in this situation. It's his wedding and if that means you have to be without an escort because your son has a relationship with his dad's girlfriend than that's what you have to do.

Completely different situation. In the OPs case, her boyfriend was not invited to the wedding on his own. He is being taken as a date by his ex-wife.

I don't want to sound critical, but in your situation, I think it is mean for you to say your ex can't bring his girlfriend to the wedding of his own son. It sounds like if you don't have a date, you don't want your ex to either.

It is the same as the OP's situation. I was under the understanding that he as the ex-husband and father was invited to the wedding, but not she as the "other woman". That's why I gave her my perspective. It's not something to get too upset about. Certainly nothing to break off the relationship with this guy over. Sometimes families want just that... a "family wedding." My son wants mom & dad there. This woman is not invited. Seriously, I could bring a date if I wanted, but I won't. This is not the time and the place for that. This is my son's wedding and it's all about HIS happiness. Not mine nor my ex-husband's nor any signficant others.

 

[mom2rtk]

It is the same as the OP's situation. I was under the understanding that he as the ex-husband and father was invited to the wedding, but not she as the "other woman". That's why I gave her my perspective. It's not something to get too upset about. Certainly nothing to break off the relationship with this guy over. Sometimes families want just that... a "family wedding." My son wants mom & dad there. This woman is not invited. Seriously, I could bring a date if I wanted, but I won't. This is not the time and the place for that. This is my son's wedding and it's all about HIS happiness. Not mine nor my ex-husband's nor any signficant others.

But your ex is the groom's father. The OP's BF is the ex brother-in-law of the groom. I don't see the situations as even close to the same.

 

[Mkrop]

It is the same as the OP's situation. I was under the understanding that he as the ex-husband and father was invited to the wedding, but not she as the "other woman". That's why I gave her my perspective. It's not something to get too upset about. Certainly nothing to break off the relationship with this guy over. Sometimes families want just that... a "family wedding." My son wants mom & dad there. This woman is not invited. Seriously, I could bring a date if I wanted, but I won't. This is not the time and the place for that. This is my son's wedding and it's all about HIS happiness. Not mine nor my ex-husband's nor any signficant others.

But your ex is the groom's father. The OP's BF is the ex brother-in-law of the groom. I don't see the situations as even close to the same.

Yeah not even in the same ballpark

 

[Poohforyou]

It is the same as the OP's situation. I was under the understanding that he as the ex-husband and father was invited to the wedding, but not she as the "other woman". That's why I gave her my perspective. It's not something to get too upset about. Certainly nothing to break off the relationship with this guy over. Sometimes families want just that... a "family wedding." My son wants mom & dad there. This woman is not invited. Seriously, I could bring a date if I wanted, but I won't. This is not the time and the place for that. This is my son's wedding and it's all about HIS happiness. Not mine nor my ex-husband's nor any signficant others.

A family wedding isn't the same as your child's wedding and having mom and dad there isn't the same as mom and dad going together as a couple.

 

[SarahWeasley]

It is the same as the OP's situation. I was under the understanding that he as the ex-husband and father was invited to the wedding, but not she as the "other woman". That's why I gave her my perspective. It's not something to get too upset about. Certainly nothing to break off the relationship with this guy over. Sometimes families want just that... a "family wedding." My son wants mom & dad there. This woman is not invited. Seriously, I could bring a date if I wanted, but I won't. This is not the time and the place for that. This is my son's wedding and it's all about HIS happiness. Not mine nor my ex-husband's nor any signficant others.

So have you caught on yet that this thread is about the ex-wife's brother's wedding, not their mutual son's wedding? And the brother didn't invite the ex-husband? Is that relevant to your opinion at all?

 

[Janepod]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

You're not a couple any more - why pretend to be?

Don't create problems between your ex and his new partner. Keep this nutty idea to yourself.

 

[okeydokey]

You're not a couple any more - why pretend to be?

Don't create problems between your ex and his new partner. Keep this nutty idea to yourself.

I am waiting for the new thread: My boyfriend of two years has a son that is getting married and his ex-wife wont let me come to the wedding.

 

[krcit]

So have you caught on yet that this thread is about the ex-wife's brother's wedding, not their mutual son's wedding? And the brother didn't invite the ex-husband? Is that relevant to your opinion at all?

And that they have been divorced for 8!!!!!!!! years!! The ex needs to move on for her own sake!

 

[ronandannette]

I am waiting for the new thread: My boyfriend of two years has a son that is getting married and his ex-wife wont let me come to the wedding.

Suck it up and graciously step back. Nothing good will come from trying to "fight your way in".