Difficult Situation

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, I am not saying, 100%, that my advice to the OP is to 'RUN', like yesterday... One just never knows the whole story online....

But, it occurs to me...
We need a smiley icon for "Run... Run VERY fast!"

 

[Imzadi]

No, that is not that something that I wonder about or was concerned about.. When it is two adults with their own lives and obligations... He does have a son... Maybe they do not live especially close together.... When things fall into a routine where Saturdays are good days to plan for... etc....

Oh, that makes sense. I don't know their work schedule. They may get days off during the week. But, they will never be able to spend any whole weekend together with ALL the kids, when he has permanent plans with the wife each Sunday.

And how is this supposed to work out with him & his son staying over for the summer? I still don't think that will fly with the wife. Neither parent are giving up Sundays. I don't see that happening THIS summer as the OP has said. We're talking less than two months from now?

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I know he wants to spend his life with me.....he has said it often. He has said he wants us to move forward with the relationship and that would include he and his son coming to my home and spending time this summer when the kids are out of school.

 

[Imzadi]

Hey, I am not saying, 100%, that my advice to the OP is to 'RUN', like yesterday... One just never knows the whole story online....

But, it occurs to me...
We need a smiley icon for "Run... Run VERY fast!"

Like this?

 

[portia9]

I am really hoping that the suspicious posters replying weren't right for your sake OP but it seems they may have been.

8 years in a really long time to still be behaving as an intact family in regards to their son. In fact, they have probably made it harder for their son because I am presuming he was 2 when they parted?

I am separated and have been for nearly 18 months. Neither of us are re partnered. We do spend the kid's birthdays together and do things as a family from time to time. I wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible for the kids. But I do my family and friend functions with them and he does the same. Neither of us dictate how we spend the time we spend individually with the kids. And I completely accept that if/when either of us re partner's that will change the family dynamic again.

I do hope for your (and his!) sake that he sees the inappropriateness of their relationship and makes the changes that need to be made. But if he just wants to maintain the status quo then it is not worth the heartache for you.

 

[NoSoup4U]

Like this?

HHahaha love that smiley!

 

[Robbi]

OP, I'm glad your mom is doing better. You seem like a very nice person and this guy is taking advantage of that. He won't change and the situation won't change. The main reason is that you are giving him credit every time he's messing up. A wise woman once told me that sometimes you have to leave. If leaving won't change him, nothing will. My advice would be to leave and refuse to see him as long as he's seeing her once a week. Your kindness is allowing his ex to run your life.

Hey, I am not saying, 100%, that my advice to the OP is to 'RUN', like yesterday... One just never knows the whole story online....

But, it occurs to me...
We need a smiley icon for "Run... Run VERY fast!"

 

[disneydee6]

Please understand OP, we are all here to support you and are glad to hear your mom is well. We support you and wish you well! So even though I agree with the others in saying that the 'every sunday' deal is so unacceptable I don't even know where to begin, that's my opinion. I think that he is trying to give you excuses for as long as you believe them. TRUST me when I say I have been down that road, and it's uneasy and heart wrenching. We speak from the heart and while we are saying that you should 'run for the hills' it's only because experience says that things WILL NOT CHANGE. Wishing you well in whatever you do and I really do hope that you do what's best for YOU.

 

[Elmo9607]

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

If he's been doing this for 8 years, he's not going to stop any time soon. He's not going to stop because someone finally talked to him about it. He'll tell you all the things you want to hear.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Sure, he says he would have gone with you to the wedding if it had been later...how much later? A week? A month? A year? As long as you're willing to be what is basically a third wheel in his and his ex wife's relationship, he'll be willing to say whatever it takes to keep you around.

 

[hereyago]

Op , what would.you.tell a friend.that would be in same situation?

 

[Lauree]

I REALLY appreciate all the advice, comments, etc. Some are hard to read. However, I know people are speaking from honest opinions and experience. I did know that Sunday was his established day with his son early on. I also knew the ex was a part of that time. I was not bothered by that fact until her "feelings" started to be an issue as we wanted to do things including the kids. This came up about 4 weeks ago. I told him several months ago that I would be very understanding until things became all about "her" Well.....that time has come. I'm struggling to assert myself, partially because the illogical nature of some things just blow me away. I'm like "are you serious???" Partly, I don't know what to do.....part of me just wants to shake my head because it seems pathetic. I'm confident that I have his love.....I trust him completely. One thing I haven't told you is that he owns a bar. He basically works 6 days a week. I spend a great deal of time at the bar with him. He has proven himself to be trustworthy. I understand all the "run" comments. I can see why those comments would be made. (love the icon)

 

[RachaelA]

I REALLY appreciate all the advice, comments, etc. Some are hard to read. However, I know people are speaking from honest opinions and experience. I did know that Sunday was his established day with his son early on. I also knew the ex was a part of that time. I was not bothered by that fact until her "feelings" started to be an issue as we wanted to do things including the kids. This came up about 4 weeks ago. I told him several months ago that I would be very understanding until things became all about "her" Well.....that time has come. I'm struggling to assert myself, partially because the illogical nature of some things just blow me away. I'm like "are you serious???" Partly, I don't know what to do.....part of me just wants to shake my head because it seems pathetic. I'm confident that I have his love.....I trust him completely. One thing I haven't told you is that he owns a bar. He basically works 6 days a week. I spend a great deal of time at the bar with him. He has proven himself to be trustworthy. I understand all the "run" comments. I can see why those comments would be made. (love the icon)

So he works 6 days a week and spends his one full day off with his ex wife? Please open your eyes. Stop making excuses for him.

 

[happygirl]

I REALLY appreciate all the advice, comments, etc. Some are hard to read. However, I know people are speaking from honest opinions and experience. I did know that Sunday was his established day with his son early on. I also knew the ex was a part of that time. I was not bothered by that fact until her "feelings" started to be an issue as we wanted to do things including the kids. This came up about 4 weeks ago. I told him several months ago that I would be very understanding until things became all about "her" Well.....that time has come. I'm struggling to assert myself, partially because the illogical nature of some things just blow me away. I'm like "are you serious???" Partly, I don't know what to do.....part of me just wants to shake my head because it seems pathetic. I'm confident that I have his love.....I trust him completely. One thing I haven't told you is that he owns a bar. He basically works 6 days a week. I spend a great deal of time at the bar with him. He has proven himself to be trustworthy. I understand all the "run" comments. I can see why those comments would be made. (love the icon)

You need to talk that one poster who recently posted about her situation she was in with her guy and his "other" family. I feel like you are just making excuses for him now. He works 6 days a week and his one day off he spends with his ex and there kid, instead of you and the kid.

 

[mom2rtk]

Some people separate but never divorce.

Sounds to me like this guy divorced but never separated.

OP, rarely do I see such consensus here on the DIS. There's a reason why there is in this case.

Even if his intentions are noble, he is a man with no backbone. That's just as bad.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I REALLY appreciate all the advice, comments, etc. Some are hard to read. However, I know people are speaking from honest opinions and experience. I did know that Sunday was his established day with his son early on. I also knew the ex was a part of that time. I was not bothered by that fact until her "feelings" started to be an issue as we wanted to do things including the kids. This came up about 4 weeks ago. I told him several months ago that I would be very understanding until things became all about "her" Well.....that time has come. I'm struggling to assert myself, partially because the illogical nature of some things just blow me away. I'm like "are you serious???" Partly, I don't know what to do.....part of me just wants to shake my head because it seems pathetic. I'm confident that I have his love.....I trust him completely. One thing I haven't told you is that he owns a bar. He basically works 6 days a week. I spend a great deal of time at the bar with him. He has proven himself to be trustworthy. I understand all the "run" comments. I can see why those comments would be made. (love the icon)

I get that Sunday is his day for his son. Sunday is not the day for his ex-wife. I'm sorry but they don't NEED family time together. I would think that would confuse the kid more than anything, especially he knows you are around. I don't think divorce needs to be war of the roses but you don't need a sister wife relationship either.

Apparently he is content with the way things are now. He could change things; he could speak up and say no or quit running off at the whim. He is making his choices. Maybe you feel that you are getting time together because you see him at his bar. I'm sorry but you need to assert you are a priority all 7 days a week! It doesn't have to be all day everyday but I be damn to play second fiddle to an ex. So how are things going to change? I'm still really confused. Are you going to start hanging out on Sundays with the cozy little family? Are you going to be content to have the leftovers when he isn't out with his ex-wife? Don't settle for leftovers be a priority.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Time for some brutal honesty. Here are some things sticking out in my mind.

This is your first long term relationship since your divorce. I think you don't want to admit you made a mistake about a man again, and you don't want to go through the pain of another breakup. But in the end you are going to feel that pain again. Either you will feel the pain for the next 8 years as he puts you and your kids second, or you will get fed up and leave. The longer this gets drawn out, the more painful it will be for your kids too.

Do you realize that he can stand up to YOU, but not her. He's telling you you have to be patient, but he won't make her change the arrangements. If he really wanted to, he could go the legal route to have the visitation changes. Lots of divorced couples have to adjust visitation arrangements as the kids grow and situations change.

He's probably afraid the Ex will bad mouth him to the son if he changes things. And she probably will. But if he had time with his son away from her, he could have a more positive influence over his son without the confusion of "mommy and daddy are together but they aren't." He could also show his son what a healthy functioning family unit is like with you and your kids.

He has made it clear he is not going to change things until the Ex has come to terms with your relationship. Well guess what, she is NEVER going to come to terms with it. She knows that when she does, he's gone. So he will never leave because she will never be ready. She has learned to manipulate him better than you can.

By staying with this guy who gives you 80%, you are preventing yourself from finding someone who gives you 100%. Being alone is scary, especially with kids. But sometimes it is healthier than being in a dysfunctional relationship. You need to put yourself and your kids ahead of this guy. Don't you and your kids deserve more than this?

 

[clutter]

Like this?

Thank goodness I'd JUST put my coffee cup down and swallowed before seeing this!!!!

 

[ilovejack02]

Since you have not been in a situation like this before I can see why you are struggling on how to handle this ..

Sunday's are not a process ... it needs to stop , or cut down to once a month, a quick lunch after church to check in with what kiddo is up too .. grades, friends etc . My best friend and her ex get together every other Thursday for about an hour at a local cafeteria style restaurant with child to discuss face to face school issues. I don't see a big deal with this and neither does her boyfriends or who he is dating .


You are letting yourself be placed 4th in this relationship and that is not acceptable. I hope you speak to him again soon .

 

[FantasticalWritings]

I am in a relationship with a man that is exclusive (we dont date other people). We have been in this relationship for 8 months. We are both divorced and have children. He and his ex have been divorced for over 8 years. He maintains a good relationship with her for his son. They go out to eat, etc. He told me from the beginning he did this because when his parents got divorced, they still did things together with he and his brother and that it meant a lot to him. I am very supportive of this and have NEVER complained about anything. We are getting more serious and talking long-term commitment and have started doing things with our children (movies). His ex has begun to treat me differently (she used to be nice but is now acting "snarky"). She got very angry about us taking our children to the movies....we even had to postpone it because of her. Now, this weekend he HAS to go with her to a family wedding. The son is almost 10 years old, so my boyfriend isn't going to "babysit." It almost feels to me like he is having to go and be her "date" because she doesn't have a man in her life. This really bothers me. Should I ignore this (she probably wants to upset me)? Or is it silly for me to feel upset? I just feel its time for him to set boundaries with her. Would appreciate ideas from others who have been in a similar situation. Thanks!

First of all, I commend him for trying to maintain a good relationship with his ex. That is very helpful for the boy. Divorce is a difficult situation for children, and having the parents fight each other in his presence makes it even worse. So it's very good that he's trying to keep a good relationship for his son.

Having said that, that can place you and his relationship in a difficult situation, especially if she starts acting jealous or snarky towards you. You did know the relationship you were getting into, but that does not change the difficulty of it when this starts happening. I do think she's, so to speak, taking him on a "date" to the wedding because she doesn't have a man in her life. However, I'm not sure what you can do. It's understandable why you would feel somewhat ruffled about this, or angry, but he is also caught in a situation too. He's trying to maintain a good relationship with his ex for his son, and it sounds like she's trying to use that for a date to the wedding. I can see doing lunch or dinner things with her for his son, but not a wedding. That seems over the line. But again, all you can really do is maybe talk to him about how you feel. It may be a case where he has to straighten it out with his ex and develop boundaries.

I hope this doesn't create too many problems for you and him, and that you two can get it settled.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, so let's just lay this out as simply as possible.

He works long hours (nights and evenings) in his bar.
He spends every possible Sunday (day off) with another woman, his EX.
Then, there is his son...

And you, for eight months, have been accepting his passive-aggressive behavior and misleading words. While you continue to come in '4th', if even that....

You, for eight months, have been in the position of 'spending a lot of time with him "at work"...' just to be able to see him.
YOU ARE BEING PLAYED....

Lauree...
Please... Please... PLEASE...
We are saying this with your true best interests at heart.
If this thread doesn't open your eyes.

I hate to post the same comment that I have posted here on the DIS several times before.... But, look yourself in the mirror, squarely in the eye, and ask, "Why are you doing this to yourself".

I am not saying that in a judgemental way...
As a woman, I know it is all too easy to fall into these situations, and not be able to see clearly...
Unfortunately, it is all too common.
Sometimes we need somebody who has the guts to come up and smack us upside the head!!!!

PS: I haven't mentioned this yet, but to everyone out there, I will go ahead and say it...
At this point, I am wondering if this is just somebody coming here to post and stir up drama...
See how far they can take it....

We have all tryed to be nice and helpful and take the OP's post at face value.
But, as we all know.
Sometimes that isn't the case.

 

[Lionqueen2]

First off, I am sorry about your mom's emergency surgery and hope she continues to improve.

As far as your relationship with this man, you need to know that he is dating you along with his ex and seems to give her priority of his days off and special events. 'Time with his son' provides the perfect excuse for a date with the ex. Regardless of what he 'tells' you, his behavior shows more understanding and concern for his ex than for you. I think he is enjoying having two women vie for his attention.

Run and run fast away from this man. He is still too attached to his ex and it seems as if the time he claims to spend with his son is also an excuse to spend time with his ex.

You seem like a very caring person and there is a wonderful man out there just waiting for someone like you.