Difficult Situation

[Robbi]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask my son and let him decide how he wants this handled.

 

[arminnie]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

And I thought my husband's ex wife was nuts.

 

[mickeysgal]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

Sounds like my parents. Parents divorced when we were all adults. My father cheated, got caught by my mother, they divorced, my father married the other woman. My mother twenty-plus years later wants absolutely nothing to do with my father's wife. We've been all put in the middle at one time or another...including my kids who were so small at the time, they never knew any different. My son's HS graduation is next month. My mother wants to attend. She won't come if my father comes with his wife. For the love of God, even though we all agree that the cheating was DEAD WRONG, please don't take your reason for your divorce out on the kids and the grand kids in these family gatherings that have NOTHING to do with you. It's been miserable...nothing ever seems to change. They don't know how to put it aside for the moment and realize for the span of a stinking ceremony, it's not about them, but about their kids or their grand kids.

Invite one and all. The one with the issue with who was invited and making judgements on who should attend or not, should do everyone a favor and stay the heck home themselves with their self-centered baggage that they won't ever put aside for the sake of others. Hint: It's not always about you (general you). It's tiresome and the rest of the family is trying to move forward. Doesn't mean we all like the situation, but we are trying to move on. We have no choice. Stop putting people in the middle and making them uncomfortable by making these crazy demands.

 

[horseshowmom]

I would tell this man to call me when he & his ex actually really broke up, because clearly they haven't.

OP, I'm really sorry, but I agree with this.

My eyebrows went up when I read that the ex-wife had any input at all into whether you went to a movie or not after they've been divorced for 8 years, but when I read that they are expected to spend every Sunday together, I was shocked (not to mention that he works the other 6 days a week).

Throw in the fact that he freely admits that "she's waiting for you to blow up" indicates that both he and she know that their actions are not normal for divorced people (the fact that she is waiting for you to blow up shows that she wouldn't put up with it herself).

She has no intention of him starting a new family (with you or anybody else) because he already has a family with her and their son as far as she's concerned, and at this point, she's driving this train.

I won't tell you what to do, but you're chin deep in a very dysfunctional situation. Like others have said, I would be very careful about involving my children in it.

 

[Granny square]

If my son were involved with a gal with kids I would be telling him to run like crazy if she thought that her former "family" relationship with her ex still existed. When you divorce you are no longer family to the ex. You are parents to your child and you have other grown up relationships.

As far as pews in a wedding pile all in together and act like grown ups. Geesh!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, I'm really sorry, but I agree with this.

My eyebrows went up when I read that the ex-wife had any input at all into whether you went to a movie or not after they've been divorced for 8 years, but when I read that they are expected to spend every Sunday together, I was shocked (not to mention that he works the other 6 days a week).

Throw in the fact that he freely admits that "she's waiting for you to blow up" indicates that both he and she know that their actions are not normal for divorced people (the fact that she is waiting for you to blow up shows that she wouldn't put up with it herself).

She has no intention of him starting a new family (with you or anybody else) because he already has a family with her and their son as far as she's concerned, and at this point, she's driving this train.

I won't tell you what to do, but you're chin deep in a very dysfunctional situation. Like others have said, I would be very careful about involving my children in it.

Pretty much this is the bottom line.

I think that the telling line from the OP was the guy telling HER to "be strong".

He is a manipulator plain and simple. He keeps pushing on OP to see how far she bends before she dumps him.

While I love to play games and mess with manipulators, I would NOT do that when it came to my life and children.

He would have been cut lose the first time he uttered "I have to spend Sunday with my ex as a family". I would have laughed in his face and left.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like my parents. Parents divorced when we were all adults. My father cheated, got caught by my mother, they divorced, my father married the other woman. My mother twenty-plus years later wants absolutely nothing to do with my father's wife. We've been all put in the middle at one time or another...including my kids who were so small at the time, they never knew any different. My son's HS graduation is next month. My mother wants to attend. She won't come if my father comes with his wife. For the love of God, even though we all agree that the cheating was DEAD WRONG, please don't take your reason for your divorce out on the kids and the grand kids in these family gatherings that have NOTHING to do with you. It's been miserable...nothing ever seems to change. They don't know how to put it aside for the moment and realize for the span of a stinking ceremony, it's not about them, but about their kids or their grand kids.

Invite one and all. The one with the issue with who was invited and making judgements on who should attend or not, should do everyone a favor and stay the heck home themselves with their self-centered baggage that they won't ever put aside for the sake of others. Hint: It's not always about you (general you). It's tiresome and the rest of the family is trying to move forward. Doesn't mean we all like the situation, but we are trying to move on. We have no choice. Stop putting people in the middle and making them uncomfortable by making these crazy demands.

I have a friend whose parents divorced probably 30 years ago. Her mother will not come to anything that her father will be attending.
She has missed literally everything in her children's and grandchildren's lives because of this stupidity. She has not been to graduations, 1st Communions Confirmations, baseball games, birthday parties, and she did not go to her eldest granddaughter's wedding. She has literally missed all the "moments"...both big & little...in her family.

See, I have a stubborn streak and there is NO WAY that my ex would get the satisfaction of knowing that he had that much power over me that he would be able to keep me away from MY chiildren and grandchildren. NO WAY....

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, I'm really sorry, but I agree with this.

My eyebrows went up when I read that the ex-wife had any input at all into whether you went to a movie or not after they've been divorced for 8 years, but when I read that they are expected to spend every Sunday together, I was shocked (not to mention that he works the other 6 days a week).

Throw in the fact that he freely admits that "she's waiting for you to blow up" indicates that both he and she know that their actions are not normal for divorced people (the fact that she is waiting for you to blow up shows that she wouldn't put up with it herself).

She has no intention of him starting a new family (with you or anybody else) because he already has a family with her and their son as far as she's concerned, and at this point, she's driving this train.

I won't tell you what to do, but you're chin deep in a very dysfunctional situation. Like others have said, I would be very careful about involving my children in it.

Well of course she's waiting for the OP to blow because in the original post the OP said that this situation has been a problem in his past relaiotnships so she knows that eventually she will "win" because she has in the past.

Like I said, the OP has not yet had enough time to learn the lesson. Eventually she will and she will prove the ex right by leaving. Then the "happy family" can continue along as they were. I think the ex gets off on having the power.

 

[RitaZ.]

To me, it's completely insane to allow an ex-spouse to make decisions or give input in any current or future relationship. Relationships are hard enough between two people. If maintaing the appearance of an intact family is so important to the parents or one of the parents, then maybe they should have worked harder at saving their marriage.

OP, the writing's on the wall. You know that. You sound like a reasonable person. There is no point in believing that things will change or that he needs more time to grow a backbone. You've said that other women before you have tried and ultimately ended their relationships with him. Now you're in the same position that they found themselves in. The women aren't the problem, he is.

Good luck in making the best decision for yourself and your kids.

 

[Imzadi]

Like I said, the OP has not yet had enough time to learn the lesson. Eventually she will and she will prove the ex right by leaving.

Yes, I think I'm one of the few people who think the OP should stay -- long enough to learn the lesson and get it once and for all. She doesn't SEE the reality of this man or the relationship yet. She wants desperately to believe what she hears.

Hopefully, once she gets it, she will get it and not repeat it again in a third or more relationship. The next time, it may take her 4 months instead of 8 to see through the guy. The time after that, she may realize it on the first or second date. Best would be to realize it during the salad course of the first date.

When I say that the man is a manipulator, I don't see him as being evil. He wants what he wants. Nothing wrong with that. He may truly hope himself that he can have a relationship differently this time and believe he can do it. But, PAST relevant behavior shows that either, underneath he really can't change this relationship, or he's too chicken **** to try to confront his ex.

What he really, really, really wants is a woman who will conform, change and fit in to what he and his wife have already shaped. A gf who can and is willingly to give him that would make everyone here happy. The wife will be happy, she's number 1 and in control. He's happy she's not ragging on him. And wife 2 is happy to comply as this makes DH happy.

In the current situation, WHO is the only person not FITTING in this scenario? The OP. Ultimately it's about FIT. If she really wants a relationship where she comes first, this one isn't it.

She also needs to learn the lesson of what her personal love triggers are. She obviously loves to HEAR how much she's loved. Follow through with ACTIONS and SEEING how much he loves her, not so much. The OP needs to learn about the 5 languages of Love. She will always need to have her man tell her how much she is loved and reassuring/confirming the kind of life they have together. That is her love language. BUT, she needs someone who follows through on what he SAYS -- in the PRESENT, and not constantly talk about some nebulous future date where it will all happen.

Here is where anyone can take a simple test to find out what their/and their spouse/SO's Love Language is:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Again, the OP isn't there yet. This is a good learning lesson though. I just hope she doesn't want future kids. The only problem I see is how much time it may take her to learn this lesson. If her bio clock is ticking, she will have that much less time to find her right love later.

 

[smkiya]

If my son were involved with a gal with kids I would be telling him to run like crazy if she thought that her former "family" relationship with her ex still existed. When you divorce you are no longer family to the ex. You are parents to your child and you have other grown up relationships.

As far as pews in a wedding pile all in together and act like grown ups. Geesh!

I disagree. If you have children with your ex, I believe you will always be family. Some people have good relationships with their ex spouse. It doesn't mean they have to go on vacations or dinner or "fill in the blank". But you do have shared blood with this person. Your child(ren). That type of family situation doesn't disappear after divorce. It just changes. Just as relationships with our children, parents, cousins, etc. change when we become adults and start our new families. New spousal choices should be respected and boundaries set. But limiting time spent, just because an ex is an ex, is silly when you have kids together. If my friend, cousin, sibling invited me for birthday cake, why wouldn't I stop by? I doubt that I'd stay, but every family dynamic is different, and I would'nt devalue someone else's because mine is not the same. I would want my ex to move on with their new life, just as when my kids are adults, I'd want them to as well. As much as I'd want to keep my kids close, there has to be a time when you let go so they can move on. I wouldn't expect my adult daughter to spend time with me every Sunday when she works 6 days a week, so it would certainly be out of the question with an ex. I wouldn't want my daughter to disregard the feelings of her new spouse for me, certainly not for ANYBODY, except of course her minor children. Boundaries. Not everyone gets along in every family (that includes siblings, parents, kids). Doesn't change the fact that they are family. My family unit used to include my mother and siblings, and changed when I married. When you start a new family, you shouldn't forget about the other, it just changes, and your "new" unit becomes priority. Just my $0.02...

 

[Mkrop]

I think I would be concerned that the BF and the ex are talking about the relationship so as she can see "am waiting for this to blow up"

 

[OceanAnnie]

There is such a wealth of perspective and advice on this thread. There have been many in the past that have questioned why people ask for advice on this board. They need to look no further than this thread.

It's nice to see a group of women that take the time to share their thoughts in an articulate and caring manner.

I hope Laurie is contemplating what has been stated. I'm sure it's a struggle between what is good about the relationship vs what isn't. Love is a strong emotion to untangle and examine. But those red flags are there for a reason. They are getting bigger as time goes on.

 

[Granny square]

I disagree. If you have children with your ex, I believe you will always be family. Some people have good relationships with their ex spouse. It doesn't mean they have to go on vacations or dinner or "fill in the blank". But you do have shared blood with this person. Your child(ren). That type of family situation doesn't disappear after divorce. It just changes. Just as relationships with our children, parents, cousins, etc. change when we become adults and start our new families. New spousal choices should be respected and boundaries set. But limiting time spent, just because an ex is an ex, is silly when you have kids together. If my friend, cousin, sibling invited me for birthday cake, why wouldn't I stop by? I doubt that I'd stay, but every family dynamic is different, and I would'nt devalue someone else's because mine is not the same. I would want my ex to move on with their new life, just as when my kids are adults, I'd want them to as well. As much as I'd want to keep my kids close, there has to be a time when you let go so they can move on. I wouldn't expect my adult daughter to spend time with me every Sunday when she works 6 days a week, so it would certainly be out of the question with an ex. I wouldn't want my daughter to disregard the feelings of her new spouse for me, certainly not for ANYBODY, except of course her minor children. Boundaries. Not everyone gets along in every family (that includes siblings, parents, kids). Doesn't change the fact that they are family. My family unit used to include my mother and siblings, and changed when I married. When you start a new family, you shouldn't forget about the other, it just changes, and your "new" unit becomes priority. Just my $0.02...

My parents have a great relationship. Including my mom and step mom. But my mom and dad are no longer related to one another. They are friendly, Christmas presents are exchanged but their relationship is that of friends because they are our parents. They wouldn't socialize but for that. They are not family to one another.

 

[smkiya]

My parents have a great relationship. Including my mom and step mom. But my mom and dad are no longer related to one another. They are friendly, Christmas presents are exchanged but their relationship is that of friends because they are our parents. They wouldn't socialize but for that. They are not family to one another.

I completely understand and respect your point of view. Thank you for sharing.

 

[ManyMinnie]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

That is for your son and his bride to decide, not you.

 

[mrsklamc]

I disagree. If you have children with your ex, I believe you will always be family. Some people have good relationships with their ex spouse. It doesn't mean they have to go on vacations or dinner or "fill in the blank". But you do have shared blood with this person. Your child(ren). That type of family situation doesn't disappear after divorce. It just changes. Just as relationships with our children, parents, cousins, etc. change when we become adults and start our new families. New spousal choices should be respected and boundaries set. But limiting time spent, just because an ex is an ex, is silly when you have kids together. If my friend, cousin, sibling invited me for birthday cake, why wouldn't I stop by? I doubt that I'd stay, but every family dynamic is different, and I would'nt devalue someone else's because mine is not the same. I would want my ex to move on with their new life, just as when my kids are adults, I'd want them to as well. As much as I'd want to keep my kids close, there has to be a time when you let go so they can move on. I wouldn't expect my adult daughter to spend time with me every Sunday when she works 6 days a week, so it would certainly be out of the question with an ex. I wouldn't want my daughter to disregard the feelings of her new spouse for me, certainly not for ANYBODY, except of course her minor children. Boundaries. Not everyone gets along in every family (that includes siblings, parents, kids). Doesn't change the fact that they are family. My family unit used to include my mother and siblings, and changed when I married. When you start a new family, you shouldn't forget about the other, it just changes, and your "new" unit becomes priority. Just my $0.02...

Semantics- and not really relevant to the thread. The person you were responding to was addressing the fact that the boyfriend's wife wants to pretend they are still married...and they are no longer that kind of family.

 

[mrsklamc]

I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

You wouldn't, you'd sit in the same pew.

Or wherever the B & G told you to.

 

[mckelvey72]

I realize that divorce is hard. I am divorced but there were no children. I am with a man (we have been together 8 years and have a kid of our own) and he has 2 daughters. The age span is pretty far....girls are now 22 and 13 while our son is 7. It took a few years but i get long fine with the ex. Her son with her new man is 8 and our kids all consider themselves family. My son thinks of the ex's son as his brother and they are not related at all.

Now, to clarify, there was no cheating between my boyfriend and the ex and I came along 2 years after they split. That helps immensely. If I was involved in their split I am positive things would not go this smoothly and the situation would be alot more difficult.

But the moral of the story...you two couldn't get along but there is a kid. That girl has 2 brothers...one that belong to myself and my boyfriend and one that belongs to her mother and her new man.

We do birthdays together...and yes, they are invited to my son's birthday as well. Her son spent the night at my house and my son has spent the night at their house. As i have previously stated, we invited her son to come with us to Disney, last time and this time. He didn't go last time and we don't have an answer for this time.

If you can get along, it makes the kids alot happier and that is what is important. The KIDS come first!!!!!!!!!! I broke my ankle a month back and the ex has offered to do alot for me...including picking me up some clothes that my son needed as she works at Osh Kosh.

We all get along and it makes for a better situation if you can do it. All the kids are happier and most importantly, the child that theirs is happier that she never has to choose who can be at an event.

So that is my perspective. As it stands right now (and i know things could change in the many years til the 12 year old gets married) but I know i will play a special role in that wedding....I know I will be next to my boyfriend when that time comes. I am not a step-mom to her...she calls me her other mom. That is due to alot of work on the family's part, that is a result of proving myself to her mother...and yes i felt i had to prove that I love her child as much as i love my own, that is a result of never talking bad about her mother, and that is a result of never making that child choose. Yes, as i stated in previous posts......the first year i stayed away, then boyfriend told her...I gave you a year to get used to all this, now all bets are off. It took another 3 years of ups and downs. Now we are all in a good spot. Sure there will be more downs, but the relationship is formed and stronger and the ex respects me and i respect her. I don't make decisions for the child...my boyfriend and his ex talk it out. Yes, my boyfriend talks to me about everything that is going on but ultimately it is NOT my decision, it is theirs and I respect that.

 

[aaarcher86]

Well, I am going to post from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.

I do NOT see a problem with him going to a family wedding with his ex at all.

I am in a similar situation except I AM the ex-wife, lol. We have a family wedding coming up this summer (our oldest son) and I want both my ex and me to attend TOGETHER in support of our son. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have a "significant other" present at the wedding. We should be there TOGETHER as our son's parents, and nobody else needs to be involved. I do NOT want to have my ex and his girlfriend sitting together in one pew and me as the mother sitting in another pew.

I feel very strongly about this so I do understand fully where the OP's boyfriend is coming from.

I also have a great relationship with my ex. There was no reason for us to argue or fight over anything, heck, we never fought while married, why would we start after? lol. We've been very amicable, and I have no problem with picking up the phone and calling him or texting/emailing him on a regular basis to touch base on our three sons. I'm thankful we've been able to remain friends for the sake of our children. Nobody should EVER interfere with that.

So you can't all sit together? His girlfriend isn't allowed to support the B&G? She's not taking over your role as the mother by being there