Did you or your child have a mentor/older friend? How did that turn out?

[RitaE]

I have a 19yo son and I can't even imagine it.

Yeah, he'll help coach a youth soccer team or do some volunteer work with kids as a youth mentor or he'll babysit family whatever -- but hang out with a 9yo girl as a friend? No, those children are not his friends. They are his charges, perhaps acquaintances, or sometimes family members. His friends are people of similar maturity levels and interests as himself.

What in the world could they possibly have in common to base such a friendship on?

 

[Missy1961]

I hope the OP is still reading. And I hope she ends this relationship.

If I were the older kid's mom, I'd tell him to back away--this is not a good idea. Certainly, be nice if he sees her in the mall, but that's as far as it should go. And even if he has a girlfriend, that may mean nothing. I know there are plenty of cases where the wife/girlfriend of an abuser was also abusing the victim.

I'm normally not the "every adult that hangs with kids is a pervert" kind of person. But even I would never allow my 9 yr old daughter to hang out with a 19 yr old male alone. Sorry, not happening. If nothing else, it looks wrong.

 

[krcit]

ITA I have started several posts on this but always walk away b/c I feel that the OP does not weant to hear any opinions that differ with hers. I have 2 dd's. I wouldn't allow this with either one of them. I also am the younger sister of 2 brothers. One 6 years older than me, one 9 years. I can tell you the way that they looked at me at 9 was not the way they looked at me at 13!

Yikes, I meant to say that my brothers FRIENDS looked at me differently when I turned 13, NOT my brothers...eww!!

 

[Disney Ella]

I hope you listen to what the majority of the people on the thread are saying. It is a bad idea. Don't encourage it.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I guess I missed the point to because all I got out of it was that your 9 YEAR OLD dd has a relationship with a MAN you barely know and you are acting as giddy as a schoolgirl with a crush. I don't care how you try to defend it the whole think is off. What on earth would a 19 year old man have in common with a little girl? Really? You think that is perfectly normal? I question your judgment there. You can check out who you want but you can only find out something if they have been caught. Sorry but YOU are putting your child at risk here. I mean you are already planning future vacations with this person! You don't even really know him! Maybe you are the one in need of company? I can't imagine why you would put your child in a position like that. I don't care if the girlfriend is with them or not. That is no guarantee of anything. I can say withh 100% certainty that I do not know ANYONE who would let their child engage in a relationship like that nor would they let their son engage in a realtionship like that. Personally I think this is all about your needs. Good luck and I hope you are smart enough to nip this nonsense and stop the alone time.

That was how I felt, I felt that maybe mom wanted something to happen in the future when her daughter was of age b/c this man is considered to be a great guy.
But really, you have to do what is best for your daughter. When I was younger I always was told I had "an old soul" b/c I was pretty mature. But when those times came around that I didn't feel like playing with my Barbie's or softball I would have a cup of tea with my mom and we would talk about other things (like I used to watch I Love Lucy, no one in my age group watched that, but my mom did haha, so we would talk about that. I remember reading the Anette Funicello book and telling my mom about it, none of my friends knew her). What I am saying is, YOU be there for your DD, you don't need a 19 year old man. Encourage her to stay 9 years old, kids just grow up too fast these days.
Please take all this info given to you and really take it into consideration for the safety of your daughter. Good Luck!

 

[NMAmy]

Wow, totally inappropriate! I know you don't want to hear opinions that differ from your own, but I'd feel horrible if I didn't express mine.

If that were my son befriending a young girl, I'd slap him upside the head HARD. Even if that boy means well (which I have such a hard time believing a 19 year old has ANYthing in common with a 9 year old girl), he's setting himself up to completely ruin his life if your daughter ever says anything that can be taken out of context.

I sure hope someone's watching out for your little girl. Despite all your assurances that you're overprotective, I think you're dropping the ball here!

This was my thought--I'd be concerned for both the young man AND the little girl. If it is innocent, it only takes one weird statement for his whole life to come tumbling apart because even a whisper or rumor about pedophilia can take root and certain people would always regard him with suspicion. And if it's not innocent, then you've allowed your child to become a victim.

I get that you like him and your dd likes him. Heck, if all involved want to hang out together, why do they need alone time? There's no way I'd have let my dd go off with a relative stranger when she was 9. If they want to spend time together, why can't you be there, as well? I still think it's a bad idea to let a young girl get that attached to a man but at least you'd be there.

 

[Erin1700]

To me there are 2 ways to look at this..

1. look at the facts of child molesters, he meets almost all of them.

2. this is NOT normal behavior for someone his age.

Either way, you need to get your DD involved in another activity and around kids her own age.
I would also encourage you to find a message board for people who have been abused and see how many of their stories started out like this one.

 

[kirbsam]

maybe there is another reason the op wants him around. hmmmm.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

maybe there is another reason the op wants him around. hmmmm.

I said the same thing. I think the OP is the one who needs the attention. Planning future vacations with him in her head? The fact that he is thanking her for letting her DD be friends with him is beyond bizarre and should set off all the bells and whistles! He "treasures" her? Really? He barely knows her. Creepy and completely innappropriate.

 

[h20jag]

I said the same thing. I think the OP is the one who needs the attention. Planning future vacations with him in her head? The fact that he is thanking her for letting her DD be friends with him is beyond bizarre and should set off all the bells and whistles! He "treasures" her? Really? He barely knows her. Creepy and completely innappropriate.

That reminds me of a long ago co-worker that joined Big Brothers group so he could meet & date alot of the boys' moms.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I noticed that the OP is now deleting her posts because this thread is "nasty". OP- this thread is truthful not nasty. The relationship that you are so intent on creating is not healthy or normal. I pray you have enough common sense to keep your dd out of it. It is completely innappropriate and I think you must know that somewhere in you because you even stated that you are starting to feel a little more comfortable with it. That obviously means that you too have your reservations. There is a reason for that. It is not a situation that a child should be in. You seem to know that but are getting all mad when everyone is telling you that. It is not even remotely normal for a 19 year old to want to spend a ton of free time with a 9 year old that he barely knows. I don't care how you try to make it sound good, it simply is not. Please take the advice you have been given here and get your dd involved with people her own age. Good luck.

 

[SaraJayne]

I noticed that the OP is now deleting her posts because this thread is "nasty". OP- this thread is truthful not nasty. The relationship that you are so intent on creating is not healthy or normal. I pray you have enough common sense to keep your dd out of it. It is completely innappropriate and I think you must know that somewhere in you because you even stated that you are starting to feel a little more comfortable with it. That obviously means that you too have your reservations. There is a reason for that. It is not a situation that a child should be in. You seem to know that but are getting all mad when everyone is telling you that. It is not even remotely normal for a 19 year old to want to spend a ton of free time with a 9 year old that he barely knows. I don't care how you try to make it sound good, it simply is not. Please take the advice you have been given here and get your dd involved with people her own age. Good luck.

 

[kirbsam]

what is so funny is if the op didnt bump this thread a couple of days ago it would have died on its own. so again, it is her fault that this thread is even active right now.

 

[TCPluto]

I noticed that the OP is now deleting her posts because this thread is "nasty". OP- this thread is truthful not nasty. The relationship that you are so intent on creating is not healthy or normal. I pray you have enough common sense to keep your dd out of it. It is completely innappropriate and I think you must know that somewhere in you because you even stated that you are starting to feel a little more comfortable with it. That obviously means that you too have your reservations. There is a reason for that. It is not a situation that a child should be in. You seem to know that but are getting all mad when everyone is telling you that. It is not even remotely normal for a 19 year old to want to spend a ton of free time with a 9 year old that he barely knows. I don't care how you try to make it sound good, it simply is not. Please take the advice you have been given here and get your dd involved with people her own age. Good luck.

So she's still reading, that's good.

Hopefully, she see how dangerous this can potentially be and make the decisions that every parent should make to protect their children.

A 19 year old with an "amazing" friendship with a 9 year old??? Spending time alone with the blessing of the childs mother??? That's trouble....

 

[kirbsam]

beware of cougars.

 

[Missy1961]

I noticed that the OP is now deleting her posts because this thread is "nasty". OP- this thread is truthful not nasty. The relationship that you are so intent on creating is not healthy or normal. I pray you have enough common sense to keep your dd out of it. It is completely innappropriate and I think you must know that somewhere in you because you even stated that you are starting to feel a little more comfortable with it. That obviously means that you too have your reservations. There is a reason for that. It is not a situation that a child should be in. You seem to know that but are getting all mad when everyone is telling you that. It is not even remotely normal for a 19 year old to want to spend a ton of free time with a 9 year old that he barely knows. I don't care how you try to make it sound good, it simply is not. Please take the advice you have been given here and get your dd involved with people her own age. Good luck.

I agree with you--this thread wasn't nasty. And I hope the fact that the OP is deleting posts means she realizes this isn't a good idea. At least I hope that's the case.

 

[Green Tea]

I have a 19 year old son, and I can't imagine him caring about a little girl. He's a nice kid; would be polite, cordial. But the idea of a friendship is ridiculous. Even if the little girl had no father in the picture, he would never try to take the role of male role model. If she was riding a bike on our street and wanted to shoot baskets with he and his friends, I feel sure they would be kind and let her take a few shots. But seriously, thinking they are friends? That is just creepy.

 

[okeydokey]

I'm a little creeped out by any 19 year old male that would want to spend ALONE time with a 9 year old female. You just need to ask WHY!!?!?!

If it were me, I would not allow it.

Bingo.

 

[lillygator]

I hear what you're saying, and to a point I agree. But they're at the base pool -- an outdoor pool that has at least one lifeguard on duty at all times.

But I often wonder if we sometimes become too paranoid about this. Most of the people I have met who were abused were abused by a relative. There was also a cub leader in our city who was convicted of abusing young boys, and then a bunch of priests in a province close to ours...

I guess what I'm trying to say is: can we just put a red letter on the bad guys so we'll all know who they are, and then we can trust everybody else? It makes me pretty sad that we have to worry about things like this all of the time. But then again, I think I should be able to leave my doors unlocked and have nobody break into my house.

I think that no matter what I allow or don't allow, it's more important for me to work with my DD on this end. Whether she is at risk from an older friend, a teacher, some boy at a high school party, or some stranger walking down the street, empowering her is probably the most important thing I'll do. I can't always be with her, even at this age. I don't want to make her scared of the world (studies have shown that kids who appear more vulnerable are more likely to be abused or abducted) but as she's given more freedom, she'll be given more information.

No, that's not it -- but every negative post is about the risk of inappropriate behaviour and IMO there are risks of this everywhere (and that really, really sucks)

I would like to hear stories about similar relationships that went wrong somewhere. I realize that both of them will change as time goes on, and I'm wondering if there are pitfalls that can be avoided.

And it is helpful, of course, to hear about similar relationships that remained positive. I've been talking to a lot of people about this topic this week, and I'm now realizing that there are some vast cultural differences regarding how individuals and communities support younger people and children as they grow up. Perhaps it really does take a village to raise a child, and maybe every member of the village can play a positive role in some way.

That's pretty much the way I used to feel. I've decided that sharing a little bit is ok.

You have an interesting rule -- that wouldn't work for me, though, because I don't want my DD acting like a young teen IMO she's around them enough through her sports. JMHO, I'm more comfortable with a bigger age difference ie somebody more mature, a person who is more like a sitter than a friend, and somebody who accepts her as she is. If it was an older person who wanted to play with her on her level, like her 9 yo friends -- the answer would be absolutely no.

There are so many issues facing teens today that they can easily get in over their head, to the point where they're scared to tell their parents about it, even if it's not them that is in trouble ie. they don't want to tell you what their friends are doing wrong. It's great to have others to talk to (I was the go-to person for my brothers) who can at least tell you how to talk to your parents about some issues.

I know that as my DD grows up, some of her little friends are going to get themselves into trouble with drinking, drugs, boys, etc, and I am really hoping that she'll have somebody around to talk about these things if she feels she isn't ready to come to me. She's going to be faced with some tough decisions (I know it was hard for me to ditch those old friends, and I never told my mother why I did it) and I'm sure it's easier if you have people you look up to who can prove that you don't have to succumb to peer pressure.

No, you've got it wrong. For one thing, I don't leave my child with just anybody -- yes, I would check out pretty much everybody who spends time with my child because I can. Nevertheless, I've had to spend the whole thread trying to convince everybody that I'm not some idiot that would put her child at risk of anything.

Unfortunately, very few people seem to have gotten the point of this thread. I'm outta here.

Bingo.

sorry to have missed the several delted posts....but #1, any normal 19 male would not be wanted to hang around a young girl all the time. As a parent of two young girls, I would never even think of putting them willingly in that type of situation no matter how good he checked out.

 

[N&B'smom]

Deleting posts...seriously...

**Originally Posted by redrosesix**
**I hear what you're saying, and to a point I agree. But they're at the base pool -- an outdoor pool that has at least one lifeguard on duty at all times.

But I often wonder if we sometimes become too paranoid about this. Most of the people I have met who were abused were abused by a relative. There was also a cub leader in our city who was convicted of abusing young boys, and then a bunch of priests in a province close to ours...

I guess what I'm trying to say is: can we just put a red letter on the bad guys so we'll all know who they are, and then we can trust everybody else? It makes me pretty sad that we have to worry about things like this all of the time. But then again, I think I should be able to leave my doors unlocked and have nobody break into my house.

I think that no matter what I allow or don't allow, it's more important for me to work with my DD on this end. Whether she is at risk from an older friend, a teacher, some boy at a high school party, or some stranger walking down the street, empowering her is probably the most important thing I'll do. I can't always be with her, even at this age. I don't want to make her scared of the world (studies have shown that kids who appear more vulnerable are more likely to be abused or abducted) but as she's given more freedom, she'll be given more information.**

Notice what I bolded...you're right...you can't always be with her. You can however, at this age, choose who she is with when you're not there. Allowing her to be alone with a 19 year old MAN is a very poor choice. Frankly, it's downright bizarre.