Did you or your child have a mentor/older friend? How did that turn out?

[tmarquez]

I wonder the same thing, but I swear DD was 2 going on 16. And that was way before the outside influences of TV and friends. I'm a tomboy...so it's gotta be genetic.

This might be totally OT, but I think in today's society kids grow up so fast and I am really unsure of why that is. Is it TV? Is it school? siblings? Music videos? Natural curiosity? Who knows really, I would just be afraid that my DD would be trying to act an age that she is not, KWIM? And the gender difference.

 

[fimac]

I have have to ask what is in it for him ?

I have a teenager that loves to teach (in his case TKD) and the little kids respond very well to him. He is very popular with students and staff. A number of the little girls have crushes. It is all very sweet it is not something I would like to spill over into his personal life. He is very sweet, very kind and will always have time for them when ever he meets them. He would have a hard time hurting any of their feelings, but he does have his own life.

The other concern that i would have is that she may learn more than you want he to about life just from hanging out with someone older. I find that is true of younger kids hanging out with older siblings friends.

 

[redrosesix]

There are so many issues facing teens today that they can easily get in over their head, to the point where they're scared to tell their parents about it, even if it's not them that is in trouble ie. they don't want to tell you what their friends are doing wrong. It's great to have others to talk to (I was the go-to person for my brothers) who can at least tell you how to talk to your parents about some issues.

I know that as my DD grows up, some of her little friends are going to get themselves into trouble with drinking, drugs, boys, etc, and I am really hoping that she'll have somebody around to talk about these things if she feels she isn't ready to come to me. She's going to be faced with some tough decisions (I know it was hard for me to ditch those old friends, and I never told my mother why I did it) and I'm sure it's easier if you have people you look up to who can prove that you don't have to succumb to peer pressure.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

No, I would not encourage this friendship outside of practices etc. I don't care what anyone says it does not sound right to me at all.

I completely agree.

 

[TCPluto]

No, I would not encourage this friendship outside of practices etc. I don't care what anyone says it does not sound right to me at all.

I completely agree.

And for good reason. It's not right. Most of the tragedies invloving abuse start out just like this one.

The OP doesn't want to hear any of it though, it appears.

She asked the question because she knows in heart of hearts that it's wrong. Now she's looking for support.

She would be wise, and doing the right thing, to limit all contact to group functions to include the her (the mother).

 

[N&B'smom]

I'm a little creeped out by any 19 year old male that would want to spend ALONE time with a 9 year old female. You just need to ask WHY!!?!?!

If it were me, I would not allow it.

 

[JessicaR]

After reading the whole thread it sounds like you are trying to confince yourself that this relationship is OK. Having him checked out and being privy to his personal information seems VERY wrong to me. I have to wonder if you are doubtful and looking for reassurance.

There is no reason for them to be spending alone time.

 

[gladstoneganderfan]

i'm a little creeped out by any 19 year old male that would want to spend alone time with a 9 year old female. you just need to ask why!!?!?!

If it were me, i would not allow it.

ita

 

[AshleyW]

When I was about 8, I made friends with my best friend's older brother. It's not quite as big of an age difference, but he was about 15 at the time. My parents knew him because of my friend, and we were friends for several years, until he graduated college and we kind of lost contact. But, it was fun. He didn't get along very well with his little sister (my best friend) because she was very much a girly girl, and I was such a tomboy. So we played catch, video games, he helped me out with school sometimes, and gave me boy advice when I got older, haha. It was never any more than a big brother/little sister relationship, even when I got old enough to start having boyfriends.

I think as long as I knew the boy well, and had an open line of communication with my daughter about what they were up to - it would be fine with me.

 

[redrosesix]

After reading the whole thread it sounds like you are trying to confince yourself that this relationship is OK. Having him checked out and being privy to his personal information seems VERY wrong to me. I have to wonder if you are doubtful and looking for reassurance.

There is no reason for them to be spending alone time.

No, you've got it wrong. For one thing, I don't leave my child with just anybody -- yes, I would check out pretty much everybody who spends time with my child because I can. Nevertheless, I've had to spend the whole thread trying to convince everybody that I'm not some idiot that would put her child at risk of anything.

Unfortunately, very few people seem to have gotten the point of this thread. I'm outta here.

 

[kirbsam]

op, i dont know why you bumped this thread. you know how almost everybody feels. if you arent going to listen, then just do what you want to do. here is my thought and if it gets mepoints it gets me points. this is not safe. you are being ignorant and ignoring good sound advice. do not allow this to happen. nip it right now. do not be an idiot!!!! you didnt listen to politeness, maybe being a little rude will help you to do right by your child.

 

[N&B'smom]

What exactly was the point of the thread? You wanted us to try to figure out what their relationship will be like in the future? No one here can speculate intelligently about whether or not your DD9 will remain friends with this 19 year old MAN. We don't know the future, like everything else in life...you will just have to see how things play out.

If it were me though, there wouldn't be any time hanging out alone whatsoever. I just find that plain weird.

 

[NEM]

I think I clearly spoke to what the relationship could be in the future.

My cousin was 9. Karate teacher in early 20's
Nothing happened for more than 3 years...but around the time she was 12-13 he molested her. She thought they were in love - who knows what he was thinking.

It started innocently enough. It was very much a close mentor-ish type of relationship....three plus years down the line...it went off the rails/

That is what can happen. You can ignore it...and assume it will be perfect. This Man had no record...was considered upstanding...he had grown up in this Karate studio. Had lived in the small town his whole life.

....Men and girls which is what you are talking about here....really why would they be friends? What is he getting from the relationship. I know at 19 I still babysat for kids and they loved me, but I did not hang out with them or vacation with them unless I was getting paid as a babysitter.

At the time I was the age of the guy (21-22-ish). I could not figure out what he was getting from the close friendship of a child. Not just being good to the kids and everything that normal instructors and teachers are...but overly involved, taking her to dinner, driving her to karate competitions, taking her to the movies, many times with other kids in the karate studio...but still way too much time together...and young girls develop crushes. It is inevitable. At that age, these men should have more going on in their lives than have room for extended time with a pre-teen - a child - no matter how mature...she is still a child and he is an adult.

You clearly only want the positive answers...but as in our case...it took years to get to a bad place. My cousin was still a child at 12/13, but after nearly 4 years, my aunt became complacent and thought everything was fine...because it had been...and then it was not.

Good luck to you. I hope you do not have regrets years from now on this one.

Your daughter is a child. She may be mature...but still a child and will be for quite some time.

 

[Acklander]

Wow - I don't know which is more disturbing, a 19 year old who wants to hang with a 9 year old for friendship or a mom who, after her daughter has known this guy for about 6 weeks, is already making plans way into the future - i.e. wants to bring him on vacation with them, wondering how her daughter is going to react when he finishes college and joins the service etc.... That's an awful lot of projecting going on.
OP - you need to slow way down on this. Maybe it's innocent, maybe it's not, but err on the side of caution. If this turned out bad you're going to feel horrible that you were the one shoving them together.
One thing you're wrong about though, when you say that it's usually relatives that molest young kids. Studies have shown that it's usually relatives or trusted friends of the family.

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

-- she actually asked a little boy the other day where he was planning to go to college, and turned her nose up at him when he didn't have an answer )

That is a bit snotty, no?

Not cute. Not funny.

I wouldn't allow my child to hang out with that mentor just from the above attitude she has gathered.

 

[MushyMushy]

Wow, totally inappropriate! I know you don't want to hear opinions that differ from your own, but I'd feel horrible if I didn't express mine.

If that were my son befriending a young girl, I'd slap him upside the head HARD. Even if that boy means well (which I have such a hard time believing a 19 year old has ANYthing in common with a 9 year old girl), he's setting himself up to completely ruin his life if your daughter ever says anything that can be taken out of context.

I sure hope someone's watching out for your little girl. Despite all your assurances that you're overprotective, I think you're dropping the ball here!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

No, you've got it wrong. For one thing, I don't leave my child with just anybody -- yes, I would check out pretty much everybody who spends time with my child because I can. Nevertheless, I've had to spend the whole thread trying to convince everybody that I'm not some idiot that would put her child at risk of anything.

Unfortunately, very few people seem to have gotten the point of this thread. I'm outta here.

I guess I missed the point to because all I got out of it was that your 9 YEAR OLD dd has a relationship with a MAN you barely know and you are acting as giddy as a schoolgirl with a crush. I don't care how you try to defend it the whole think is off. What on earth would a 19 year old man have in common with a little girl? Really? You think that is perfectly normal? I question your judgment there. You can check out who you want but you can only find out something if they have been caught. Sorry but YOU are putting your child at risk here. I mean you are already planning future vacations with this person! You don't even really know him! Maybe you are the one in need of company? I can't imagine why you would put your child in a position like that. I don't care if the girlfriend is with them or not. That is no guarantee of anything. I can say withh 100% certainty that I do not know ANYONE who would let their child engage in a relationship like that nor would they let their son engage in a realtionship like that. Personally I think this is all about your needs. Good luck and I hope you are smart enough to nip this nonsense and stop the alone time.

 

[krcit]

Wow - I don't know which is more disturbing, a 19 year old who wants to hang with a 9 year old for friendship or a mom who, after her daughter has known this guy for about 6 weeks, is already making plans way into the future - i.e. wants to bring him on vacation with them, wondering how her daughter is going to react when he finishes college and joins the service etc.... That's an awful lot of projecting going on.
OP - you need to slow way down on this. Maybe it's innocent, maybe it's not, but err on the side of caution. If this turned out bad you're going to feel horrible that you were the one shoving them together.
One thing you're wrong about though, when you say that it's usually relatives that molest young kids. Studies have shown that it's usually relatives or trusted friends of the family.

ITA I have started several posts on this but always walk away b/c I feel that the OP does not weant to hear any opinions that differ with hers. I have 2 dd's. I wouldn't allow this with either one of them. I also am the younger sister of 2 brothers. One 6 years older than me, one 9 years. I can tell you the way that they looked at me at 9 was not the way they looked at me at 13!

 

[MushyMushy]

I guess I missed the point to because all I got out of it was that your 9 YEAR OLD dd has a relationship with a MAN you barely know and you are acting as giddy as a schoolgirl with a crush. I don't care how you try to defend it the whole think is off. What on earth would a 19 year old man have in common with a little girl? Really? You think that is perfectly normal? I question your judgment there. You can check out who you want but you can only find out something if they have been caught. Sorry but YOU are putting your child at risk here. I mean you are already planning future vacations with this person! You don't even really know him! Maybe you are the one in need of company? I can't imagine why you would put your child in a position like that. I don't care if the girlfriend is with them or not. That is no guarantee of anything. I can say withh 100% certainty that I do not know ANYONE who would let their child engage in a relationship like that nor would they let their son engage in a realtionship like that. Personally I think this is all about your needs. Good luck and I hope you are smart enough to nip this nonsense and stop the alone time.

I know of one situation like this and it sickened me when I heard about it. Several years ago (before kids and hubby) I'd met a man who was 30 and we became friendly. He had a girlfriend that he'd been in a long-term relationship with for 10 years. I met her and she seemed awfully young, which she was. She was 20. Do the math -- when they met, he was 20 and she was TEN! It's disgusting.

Where were her parents? Makes me wonder if they were this thrilled about having a "mentor" for their daughter.

 

[CF'er]

As a parent I would say not only no but HELL NO!!!

It is my job as a parent to protect my kids. I can see no good coming from a 19yo MAN and my 9yo daughter. If it's a male role model she needs is there an uncle/cousin available? Not that being related makes it any more safe.

My point is that once the genie escapes from the lamp you can't put it back. Saying you were wrong or sorry isn't going to undo any damage done. Why take that chance?

I also wouldn't want to put the 19yo in that position. All your DD has to do is say he did ____ and whether he did or not his reputation/future is over.

It can't be worth it.