Did I miss something? It's now acceptable to have a baby shower for the second baby?

[NotUrsula]

Hmmm, there is a twofer in this one ...

"... When I spoke to people about what their thoughts were my husband's friends thought it was tacky and horrible. I'm reading this as jealousy perhaps, that my mom wants to throw me one? Some people here thought it was great, others hated it, but I guess it's your choice whether to attend right?"

Two issues: 1) is it covetous to want a shower for a 2d child? and 2) is it tacky for your mother to throw a shower in your honor?

Sorry, but the answer in both cases is yes. It is tacky for immediate family to throw ANY kind of shower, and a second one for a grandchild from the same child is doubly over the line. "Jealousy" doesn't come into it -- your DH's friends are horrified because you and your mother are about to embarrass yourselves. Also, as you can probably tell from a lot of the responses here, it really isn't just a matter of those who disapprove simply not attending -- it leaves a bad impression of your manners that will stay with them for quite a while. Be careful before you just randomly send invitations.

If your mother wants to throw a party celebrating the child's birth, that's fine; the Christening, etc. would be the most proper occasion for something like that, if you're religious. Otherwise it's fine to just have a party after the baby is born, to celebrate the new addition to the family, but don't open any gifts at the party, should you receive them. Save that for when you get home.

What I think people are misunderstanding here (and forgive me if it has been said already, as I haven't read the entire thread) is that a "shower" by definition is not just a party. It is a party hosted specifically for the purpose of equipping a newlywed or a new parent with the basics the FIRST time she/they take on that new status. Giving a wedding gift for a second marriage or a birthday gift to a new baby is not the same thing. A "shower" is very specifically oriented toward the exhibition of gifts, while a general party (other than a child's birthday party) is not.

 

[i3utterfli82]

IMHO, each and every baby is a blessing and should be celebrated-

That being said, if she's asking for all new "big ticket" items that she got the first time around, that's tacky.

I'm all for celebrating a new life!

I agree....I see nothing wrong for a shower for each baby. It is just a celebration and no different than a birthday party with presents. I can't believe people think it is tacky...

 

[2angelsinheaven]

News to me too. I thought the name of the party was "Baby Shower" not "First Baby Shower". Didn't know you could only have one. Guess I'm part of the younger generation as well.

 

[Piecey]

Hmm.. my cousin has had three kids. The first is no more than 7.. and his wife is now pregnant with #4.

There will be a baby shower, I can guarantee it. There was a shower for each of the previous three children (none of which were planned for so they needed everything)... I won't be going. Mostly because I found out about her pregnancy on her MYSPACE?!

 

[katdocnorf]

I have had 3 children of my own (other 3 listed are Step Children). I had baby showers for all 3. but let me explain. 1st child Boy, Second Child Girl and 5 1/2 years later, so items outdated, etc. also at new job and job through baby shower. 3rd girl and from second marriage, hadn't really planned on having anymore and had gotten rid of a lot of stuff from first daughter. And (but this is just an opinion) I had kept a lot of clothing from 1st daughter and when I went through them some were to badly stained or just to overly worn out. So only had small percentage that was still worth saving. Now mine were several years apart, but in my opinion you can always use clothes especially when its a girl......

 

[teresajoy]

This is sort of budget related. I have a dear friend whom I've known for 23 years. She has one daughter, and when I met this friend the daughter was 2. She is now 25. This daughter had her first child 2 years ago, my friend's first grandchild, a girl. I went in with 2 other people and gave a VERY NICE baby shower. It was at a restaurant where we had a private room and were served dessert and coffee. Over 30 ladies attended.

It's now 2 years later, and this daughter is having her second child (another girl) in about 6 weeks. On Friday I received an invitation to a baby shower for this baby!!!! I was shocked. This is a first for me.

I spoke to another friend over the weekend about this. This friend is actually cousins with the other friend. I asked her what was going on and she said, "oh, you know how girls are these days, that seems to be the thing they do now." WHAT? So that makes it okay??? Isn't it our job as the "older generation" to teach them that's NOT the thing to do?

Am I being unreasonable? I actually have already bought a gift for this baby, as I would give a gift whether or not there is a shower, as this is the second grandchild to my dear friend, and I am close to them all. I will just give that gift at the shower. Despite the fact that she is registered at Target!

But I just find the whole second baby SHOWER thing tacky. She should have all the "basics" as she has a girl already that is only 2. The stuff shouldn't be worn out. I have not spoken to the friend herself yet. But I would be embarrased to have MY friends invited to another shower for my child's second baby. I don't have children of my own, but that's how I would feel. Did I miss something? Is this now okay and my feelings are unjustified?

I haven't read any of the other posts, but I wanted to make a comment about this. It is my utmost belief that each and every baby should be celebrated. And, this is why, I throw showers for second, third, etc.... babies, I attend showers for second, third, etc... babies, and I've been given showers for my second and third babies. Not tacky, a celebration, to let everyone know that each baby is important, not just the first.

You allready bought a present, why not just go enjoy the company of your friends and the excitement of a new baby!

 

[tink2dw]

How can it be "tacky" to want to CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF A NEW BABY?? Any baby, child 1 or child 14!! Adopted, Fostered, or Natural it is a new little life

This is, The Miracle of a Baby!! That New Life should be celebrated!! And welcomed!! Especially by Family and certainly by friends.

If you can't do that then stay home, shut-up and sulk on your own!!!

I have lost count of all the Baby Shower Gifts we have given thru the years!!

We have it down to a science!! I look for and buy things all year long!! I look for a Cute basket, fill it with full size, Baby Powder, Baby Lotion, Baby Wash, a bib, and a fleece blanket. In Pink or Blue IF we know, or Green and yellow if we don't. And a dollar store cellophane bag and matching ribbon.

Once you have a tradition of giving everyday useful baby gifts, it isn't hard or expensive to keep on Celebrating those Precious Little Babies!!

 

[shortbun]

While I feel a shower for a bride's 2nd wedding might be less than hoyle, I can not see what possible problem a baby shower for a 2nd baby or 3rd or 4th would pose. They are babies, they need stuff. I'm 53, how did I miss the 1 baby shower rule? Maybe it's regional. How is one baby less important than another? I just don't get this one!!!

 

[tink2dw]

Oh just a fun fact,

My best friend hosted a Baby Shower for my 1st and Only Baby, And Only 1 person came.

We had a lovely Party anyway!!! So, think before you get on your high horse and stay home!!!

 

[2angelsinheaven]

This is an example of something I would bring to a shower, cheap, easy and in my experience the Mom's who I have brought one too really liked them.

Included are the following...Green Fleece blanket, Heart to Heart Bear, Boy Washclothes, and a few Johnson and Johnson bath products. The baskets I got at Walmart for a few $'s and made them nicer with lace w/ blue ribbon run through it super glued on.

You can make this for under $20 or make it much more expensive, etc by adding additional items, full sized products, etc. I went with the baby's room colors for the basket/blankets. You could do one themed to baby's room, needs (medicine, feeding, bottles, bath, etc).

Just a frugal idea for all the baby showers.

 

[hornedfrog]

I think what the majority of people who are okay with showers for 2nds + are missing is that a shower, by definition, isn't a celebration of a baby, it is a party for the mother to celebrate the milestone of becoming a parent and to help her with that transition. The mother-to-be is the focus of a shower, not the baby. That's why it generally goes against the polite grain to have a baby shower if you are already a mother. Etiquette isn't so rigid that there aren't exceptions - exceptionally long lengths of time between babies, for example. Or, in some areas, a first baby of the other gender is an acceptable reason (not in my circles, though!).

We have parties for non-first children. But never showers. Etiquette doesn't have a problem with "celebrating each child", it just has a problem with the method of celebration being a shower. There are so many other ways to celebrate.

With my first I had a huge shower. With my second we had a 'welcome baby' party after she was born. It was held at a friend's house simply because I couldn't handle throwing a party on top of taking care of my 2-year-old and newborn. People brought tons of presents, although mostly things like toys or picture frames or albums. I opened them at home instead of at the party. Honestly, it was more fun than my shower because I didn't have to sit in the spotlight for a length of time (at 8 months pregnant) opening gifts in front of everyone. I got to relax and enjoy visiting with friends.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think with so many blended families the whole shower thing has alot of grey areas. I agree with the '1 shower' people for the most part. However, I married someone who had a child already. His side of the family held a shower for he and his ex when my stepson was born. And they threw another when our son was born 10 years later. I didn't ask for one from them, of course, but was very pleased to be honored in that way. I sincerely hope no one thought that was tacky.

When it gets really tacky, imo, is when people expect a shower for their subsequent children.

 

[littleteapot]

It amazes me that people see showers as an obligation. It shouldn't be looked upon that way. If you don't want to give a gift, then don't.

I had showers for my first (2) and third pregnancies (1 for twins). All three were given by friends. I never used a registry. I never "expected" a shower.

We often have showers for 2nd, 3rd etc. babies at our church, it is an opportunity for girl time for all of us and a chance to show our love to the mother. If you don't want to go, don't go.

 

[lchadwick]

I wasn't living near any family when I had my 2nd (who was also a girl), so I didn't have a shower. No big deal. But by the time I was having my last, a boy, my MIL had never had a shower for me, so she an my mom threw a VERY small one with just a couple friends and her sisters and one of my sisters. The best part about it was I got to see some people I hadn't seen since moving back to the Carolinas 4 months before.

And to the PP who mentioned that it was tacky and not done in the south - I knew my MIL was tacky! She and her sisters threw a HUGE bridal shower for their sister who was widowed after 50 years of marriage and was remarrying (less than 2 years later). It was a bigger "do" than my 1st bridal shower! She registered and everything!

Of course, this is the woman who told me to send wedding invitations to people who NEVER would come just to get a gift - she really told me that.

Personally,I don't care one way or another about 2nd baby showers. I don't get out much, so it's a chance for me to socialize! I like looking at baby things, anyway.

 

[Zoemakes5]

For me, and in my opinino, a shower is appropriate for each and every baby.
First, IMHO, it's not a "gift grabbing" sentiment, I view it as a celebration of and for baby. And, unless the mom is throwing it for herself, someone else has deemed it appropriate/wanted to throw it for her.
I, for one, had a shower for each of my children. The first one was thrown by a girlfriend, the second my cousin, and the third another girlfriend. I'm so very glad they were. For the second child, I was very worried about the second child not getting as much attention/devotion. Now that everyone was grandparents and parents already (my first was everyone's first), I was worried about how DS2 would be welcomed. By my cousin requesting to throw me a shower, it gave me peace of mind and excitement that everyone was excited about no. 2 as well. Plus, all three of my kids were big surprises (long story, but BC, even tubal, doesn't seem to work well for me!) We had DS1 while both DH and I were in law school. DS1 was born preemie, had special needs and so many dr. and therapist visits that I was unable to work for a very long time. When DS2 came along, I was put on modified bedrest for almost three months. We were in a position of financial strain. Most of what we got for DS1, we sold at once upon a child to be able to get the next size. We had almost nothing when DS2 came along. So, in addition to making me feel better about the "excitement" of no. 2, the shower helped us immensely in the financial realm.
When DD came along, DS2 was 5.5. It was a huge surprise, and we had gotten rid of everything baby. Even DS's crib had just been donated! We had to start from scratch. By that point, we were much more financially secure, and didn't "need" a shower. But, I had a lot of new friends by that point, and they wanted to give me a shower. They were so excited about a new baby in the mix. The attendees included old friends and new friends and family. Everyone seemed to have a great time. We went to Don Pablos as while I was pregnant with Zoe, I craved Mexican food all the time. It was kind of a big joke!
I have hosted first, second, and third baby showers. I also gave DH's cousin an impromptu shower for her fifth child. It was just me and her and a couple of other friends at lunch. It was supposed to just be for my and her b-days (we're a day apart), but I surprised her. She sat and cried for a good deal of it, as she was so touched. By that point, she was existing almost exclusively on hand-me downs.
Anyway. Had to give my perspective on the issue, and some reasons why.

 

[Southern4sure]

I just went to a babyshower this weekend for baby #4. I guess it is becoming the norm.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

How can it be "tacky" to want to CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF A NEW BABY?? Any baby, child 1 or child 14!! Adopted, Fostered, or Natural it is a new little life

This is, The Miracle of a Baby!! That New Life should be celebrated!! And welcomed!! Especially by Family and certainly by friends.

If you can't do that then stay home, shut-up and sulk on your own!!!

I have lost count of all the Baby Shower Gifts we have given thru the years!!

We have it down to a science!! I look for and buy things all year long!! I look for a Cute basket, fill it with full size, Baby Powder, Baby Lotion, Baby Wash, a bib, and a fleece blanket. In Pink or Blue IF we know, or Green and yellow if we don't. And a dollar store cellophane bag and matching ribbon.

Once you have a tradition of giving everyday useful baby gifts, it isn't hard or expensive to keep on Celebrating those Precious Little Babies!!

YEAH!!! I love your post!! I get SO MAD when people say you shouldn't have a shower for a second baby. Is the second baby not any more loved that the first?? For heavens sake.

 

[MrsPooh]

I was always taught that a baby shower for the first child was expected and after that it was very poor etiquette. Now often we'd get invited to several showers for one baby - one on each side of the family and one for friends or something like that - but none for second, third or additional babies. I was taught to always bring a gift after the baby was born to welcome him/her.

The rule was broken with my though because of circumstances. I had my first dd just out of college. I was unmarried and living at home. My extended family gave a wonderful shower for family and friends and I was blessed to receive many wonderful gifts because they wanted to show their care, concern and love for me and my child. I felt very odd having the shower considering the circumstances but they all wanted me to know that my child would be accepted and loved. The shower was their way of showing me that. My co-workers also hosted a small shower for me at work during the day.

Five years later I was married and pregnant for a second time. I absolutely did not expect a shower from my side of the family although I did suspect dh's side would host a nice shower. They thought nothing of hosting a second baby shower for his sister. Her shower was held in a restaurant with many extended family members and friends of my mil who all brought nice gifts. I guess you could say that my feelings were a bit snubbed when my shower was simply a couple of family members handing off inexpensive gifts to me during the Thanksgiving get-together. I was mostly angry for my dh's sake because his sister is the pride of the family and my dh will never measure up in their opinion. This was his first child and they didn't even host a shower and didn't invite anyone extra. I didn't care about the gifts, it was about feelings. My family held a very large surprise shower for me because they felt it was appropriate since it had been 5 yrs, I was now married and I didn't have alot of the big items since I had used older stuff at my parent's while living with my parents the first time. It was a very lovely shower and I was overwhelmed by the generosity of my family and friends. Then a group of my dh's oldest friends held a couple's baby shower for us too.

We planned on no more and I got rid of every single baby item when we moved seven years later. When my youngest was 10 we found out I was pregnant. My mom and sister suggested that they would like to host a shower. I told them absolutely not because family and friends had already been to more than one for me and they should not be expected to provide another gift just because I waited so long to have another! They completely understood and felt somewhat the same way but still had been planning to do the shower. My mom figured out how much she would have spent on the shower and took me shopping for baby stuff. My sister's both have younger children and passed along alot of the things we would need.

The family was together for a holiday just before my due date and my grandmother presented me with a handmade quilt since I wouldn't be having a shower. My mil got upset and angry that my family wasn't hosting a shower. Notice...no one on her side of the family was hosting one or had asked to attend one but she felt my family was obligated to host one! I explained that my family/friends had already done two and I wouldn't expect them to attend three. She was quite pissed at me because she felt I needed to have people give me things. As a result she decided she'd host a small shower at her house for five family members. She couldn't decide on a date until they baby had been here for a month or more. I was mostly upset by her attitude.

Anyway, I have had multiple showers but I've not been comfortable about them.

We hosted a very nice, large shower for my out of town cousin for her first. Her second was born less than two years later. We did not offer to host a second but her in-laws did have a second shower for her. We all just sent a nice gift after the baby arrived.

 

[mla2177]

I think it's tacky!!!!! I had to have my baby shower in the hospital since I was put on bedrest at 31 weeks. I got everything I needed though!!! I have a friend who keeps saying if I have another baby I am entitled to a baby shower, but I still don't think it's right. I have everything I need for the second baby!!!! I said the only way I would be ok with it is if I were having the opposite sex baby, and it was stictly a clothes shower.

 

[ginna74]

well I agree with what the way above poster above said.

"Is the second baby not any more loved that the first?? For heavens sake."


and if people don't like itdon't go!!!!!!! it isn't about JUST getting things!!!!!! it is about celebrating LIFE!!!! and having fun!!!!!!!! laughing!!!!!!!! sharing your joy with family and friends!!!!

ya know even though I quoted I didn't read what she quoted.... wierd.. I am in the twilight zone....

Originally Posted by tink2dw
How can it be "tacky" to want to CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF A NEW BABY?? Any baby, child 1 or child 14!! Adopted, Fostered, or Natural it is a new little life

This is, The Miracle of a Baby!! That New Life should be celebrated!! And welcomed!! Especially by Family and certainly by friends.

If you can't do that then stay home, shut-up and sulk on your own!!!

I have lost count of all the Baby Shower Gifts we have given thru the years!!

We have it down to a science!! I look for and buy things all year long!! I look for a Cute basket, fill it with full size, Baby Powder, Baby Lotion, Baby Wash, a bib, and a fleece blanket. In Pink or Blue IF we know, or Green and yellow if we don't. And a dollar store cellophane bag and matching ribbon.

Once you have a tradition of giving everyday useful baby gifts, it isn't hard or expensive to keep on Celebrating those Precious Little Babies!!