Death......

[ronandannette]

Funerary rituals are a pretty deep seated part of any culture, and our culture has shifted significantly on this over the past 2 generations. Having worked in funeral services I can tell you for sure that nowadays cremations outnumber traditional burials by almost 4-to-1 in my city. Many of those direct dispositions do not include any type of memorial gathering (impossible to say how many really, as those events can be totally private and take place anywhere, anytime).

To my sensibilities this is sad. Me and mine have always been old-school; the expectation for all of us is a very traditional send-off with evening visitation, church service, grave-side service and reception afterwards. This will likely end with my generation but for now, we certainly do expect all significant family members to be present when a loved one dies and have often scheduled events just to accommodate travel. I can't remember ever hearing anyone comment on whether or not they "like" to attend or "want" to attend - it's just really not about that.

 

[Westcoastwild]

A family member dies. When this happens, the world must stop spinning. You have to drop everything in your life. You have to drop a couple thousand dollars on last minute plane tickets to travel. It is really a major disruption and serious expense.

I'm in the same camp that my mother was. She always said that the only funeral she would go to would be her own. And that ended up being true for her. I wish I could do that.

I've made it clear to DH that he's to not have any of this nonsense when I die.

I sense that you weren't close to this family member. Or more importantly their loved ones.

I don't know. I went to my grandfather's funeral because that was a sign of respect to my grandmother. Didn't go to that grandmother's funeral because there was no one there that would really care if I went- and most family members were mostly tense over the will. Not in active mourning.

However. Still upset that there are not graves to visit for grandparents on other side of family. Aunts are...strange...and they made a big fuss about not interfering with people's "holiday cheer" and then a "family" scattering of ashes (illegally) when literally no one except them could go. But that's more to do with how deeply annoying the living are than my actual desire to attend the funeral.

I don't go to weddings or funerals of casual friends or acquaintances. Or family members who I'm not close to. I would drop everything to go to either for close friends and family. That's the difference. Nothing material in life (money/job) is more important than being there for you're loved ones.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I want people to celebrate my life not mourn me. I know where i'm going when I die and I'm not sad about it. I don't want anyone else to be sad either.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

What was her reaction when she got home?

She understood. I should mention the aunt who passed entered into very aggressive treatment for leukemia and she didnt recover. She knew that was a possibility going in & she made her wishes clear ahead of time.

There was also a precedent set years earlier with a death while many family members were in Scotland.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

very interesting. can you elaborate on the details of what you felt/saw in death?? or you can't really describe?? this stuff is fascinating to me.

I so appreciate you sharing your experience, and I'm glad to got to stick around here on earth and tell it I am fascinated by near death experiences. I'm a life long Catholic, I try to live by all the "rules" and all of that, I don't have a hard time believing in God, but as an adult do find myself having a harder and harder time with certain aspects of certain religions, mainly the idea of earth as being some sort of "score card". I just want to think of God as this force of unconditional love, but then religions make it sound more like you have to do everything perfectly to gain eternal life. It does comfort me to hear someone's personal experience that there was more beyond this life, and it wasn't scary

I have studied a lot about near death experiences for my own personal reasons. We could easily have our own thread just on NDE, but, briefly for this thread, there do seem to be some common themes that occur when someone has a NDE, as told by many researchers who have studied them formally. There seems to be a feeling of being out of the body and hearing and seeing things going on around the body, seeing colors and sights, and hearing sounds, which are beautiful and almost indescribable, but unfamiliar to us, seeing others we've known before, seeing events that happened in our lifetimes (often in rapid succession, ie "saw my life before my eyes"), learning things about life that were not well understood before this experience, meeting a "supreme being" and others similar to the supreme being, being told it's not your time yet and you have to go back, feeling suddenly back in the body, etc. Often people remember not wanting to leave but being told they have to.

Some take aways for me are that it's not a religious thing but more a spiritual thing, that what we do in this life does matter, as amberpi said, that we have long term connections with people and other spirits but we may not be aware of them in our lifetimes, that we can sometimes learn a lot about why things happened in our lives, and can change things about ourselves, and that it's not that there's a "score card", but that the purpose of this life seems to be to strive for a higher evolution of our souls, if that makes sense. Not trying to offend anyone who does not believe this line of thinking, just trying to say that those are some of the themes that seem to be commonly reported by the many people who've experienced NDE. Not everyone will have all of the same experiences, but usually they will have some form of some of the more common ones. It's an interesting subject to study, and there are lots of books on the matter. For those that it's happened to, it's usually life altering. Cardiologists were often the people who heard stories the most when people suffered cardiac arrest, then were brought back to life. They often recorded them. Those initial conversations were important, since with time, sometimes some of the memories faded a bit. There was also a doctor, a neurosurgeon, who wrote about his own NDE that was a fascinating read. I will see if I can find it again.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/neuroscientist-sees-proof-heaven-week-long-coma/story?id=17555207

http://www.newsweek.com/proof-heaven-doctors-experience-afterlife-65327

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Y
Is there anyone that LIKES funerals?

I completely agree. I won't go so far as to say that I *like* funerals, but at least in our family, they are generally wonderful family gatherings. It's almost like a mini-family reunion. .

I'll go as far as to say I like funerals. My first funeral was my father's when I was 15, and ever since I've actually enjoyed most of the ones I've attended. Yes, for the most part they'e wonderful family gatherings.

There aren't that many weddings taking place in my extended family anymore, so funerals are just about all we've got left.

I also like going to the cemetery to "visit" departed family members.

 

[Sabeking]

A family member dies. When this happens, the world must stop spinning. You have to drop everything in your life. You have to drop a couple thousand dollars on last minute plane tickets to travel. It is really a major disruption and serious expense.

I'm in the same camp that my mother was. She always said that the only funeral she would go to would be her own. And that ended up being true for her. I wish I could do that.

I've made it clear to DH that he's to not have any of this nonsense when I die.

Sometimes we do things for others and put our own feelings aside. It doesn't have to be about me. When my mom passed a year and a half ago I can't tell you comfort I found in people who came to the funeral, drove, flew and comforted me. They knew my mom and I wanted to be close to them.

 

[cabanafrau]

It can also just be the area. I know where I grew up in Texas everyone still sends food. Heck when you have a baby even most of my friends have had people bring meals ot their house or send gift cards for delivery etc. I wonder if the daughters just aren't involved as much as their moms. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but it isn't always just because of their careers or whatever.

While I was a SAHM I served on the funeral luncheon committee at our church. I made a dish in the category I was in on that day and came to set up, serve and clean up. When I went back to work I couldn't come to serve, but still stopped off to drop a dish from my category. I think I only provided a dish for maybe two funerals after that because the crew had dwindled down from women who weren't physically up to the set up/serve/clean up anymore and others like myself who were now employed during the day and couldn't be there. At our church it absolutely is a function of most women being in the workforce as opposed to even 30 years ago.

 

[cabanafrau]

It's the custom in my family (extended family too) to not have a funeral, just a viewing at a funeral home. When my Mom passed away, this is what we did and it was what she wanted. My family laughs a lot and you would have thought a comedian was up front doing standup and not my Mom in a coffin. This is also what she would have wanted, lots of laughter, funny stories about her, and lots of warm family around my sister and I. At one point we had to do the stand at the side of the coffin thing for people to pay their respects, and that was really the most formal part of the day. It lasted three hours, at the end I covered her up to the neck with the coffin blanket, and off we went home, no restaurant or catered to-do. It's just not how we all are. She was cremated, and her ashes divided between my sister and I.

This is wonderful. We have an ongoing saga in our family because I always tell my daughters they better tell outrageous stories about me after I'm gone and laugh more than they cry. I'm not necessarily referring strictly to a "funeral" type setting, but just in general. Every time I say or do something or mess something up and they're teasing me mercilessly I remind them they need to write it down for my future gag reel.

I don't particularly care to have a funeral, but if they want it, I won't care. The one thing I have expressly asked for is no viewing.

 

[amberpi]

I do think it's really important to know what your loved ones would want should something happen, because it can, anytime.

 

[Magpie]

Funerary rituals are a pretty deep seated part of any culture, and our culture has shifted significantly on this over the past 2 generations. Having worked in funeral services I can tell you for sure that nowadays cremations outnumber traditional burials by almost 4-to-1 in my city. Many of those direct dispositions do not include any type of memorial gathering (impossible to say how many really, as those events can be totally private and take place anywhere, anytime).

To my sensibilities this is sad. Me and mine have always been old-school; the expectation for all of us is a very traditional send-off with evening visitation, church service, grave-side service and reception afterwards. This will likely end with my generation but for now, we certainly do expect all significant family members to be present when a loved one dies and have often scheduled events just to accommodate travel. I can't remember ever hearing anyone comment on whether or not they "like" to attend or "want" to attend - it's just really not about that.

This may be less "sad" and more about the proliferation of different customs, that people bring with them and/or adopt as they increasingly gather in large multicultural cities.

In most first world nations we have many cultures, not just one. And families are increasingly blended, coming from many different background and traditions.

Everyone in my immediate family has been cremated, and the ashes are either kept by loved ones, scattered or interred in a family plot. Then, some weeks later, a memorial/celebration of life is held for family and friends to come together and remember the person who has left us. There's a short informal service, followed by a buffet and gathering.

We have our traditions, they're just different from yours. And we wouldn't be any more comfortable with yours, than it sounds like you'd be comfortable with ours. Quite honestly, the whole "traditional send off" (exactly whose tradition again?) you described sounds awful to me, and it's the last thing I'd want to have to arrange while I'm in the midst of mourning.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I think a lot of it has changed due to finances. Funerals have gotten way more expensive. People are being way more low key.

I remember when all funerals were evening viewing, morning viewing, church service and burial. I'm going to more and more much simpler funerals/memorials.

 

[Aimros]

My grandfather passed recently. He was extremely important to me and is missed deeply. His service was only one night, but to be able to meet people whom he made an impact on throughout his life was humbling, healing, and lovely. He wanted a celebration, and while we were all very sad, spending hours talking about him was very cathartic. I was glad when it was over, but would not have minded having extra time to chat with those coming to pay their respects.

I've gone to several wakes for people I didn't know - usually parents or relatives of friends. If I feel like I should be there, I go. In all of the cases where I questioned my attendance, the friend I went to support was always glad I was there. Now that I've been on the flip side of this experience, I can say having dear friends at my grandfathers service who had never met him but who knew how important he was to me meant everything.

 

[sk!mom]

When my mom's oldest sister died, the middle sister was in Germany on her "trip of a lifetime". We all agreed that the best thing we could do was wait until she got home to tell her. So, we had the funeral without her. My aunt (the one who passed) wouldn't have wanted the event to ruin her sister's trip.

How did she feel when she returned? I would have been so upset to miss a sibling's funeral and the time to mourn with family. I understand that your hearts were in the right place but did you at least consider delaying the service/ memorial until she returned.

My 91 year old grandfather passed a couple of years ago in mid January. My out of town siblings and all of our college kids had just been to see him, love on him, and visit one last time during the holidays. We made the decision to put off his service for several weeks since the college kids had just gone back to school. This allowed everyone to make travel arrangements that weren't so last minute and rushed. My family normally chooses cremation so that makes delaying easier.

My dad passed away suddenly last Summer. He'd been declining due to Alzheimers but we had no idea that he would pass- our discussions had been revolving around how long could we keep him at home, etc... In that case all my sibs and all of our kids- grown and in college- rushed home as it was a shock and everyone wanted to be together and be there to support our mom/ grandma.

 

[jen0610]

DH's mom just passed away this past Sunday. We are doing the same thing we did when his dad passes away summer of 15. Memorial service for a hour before mass. We will then take the urn out and have it buried next to her husbands. Short and to the point. I don't think many had ever see a cremation burial before at their church. Many of them were very interested in the gravesite set up.

Fast forward to the end of 15 and we lost my SIL fiancée on the 23 of Dec and my SIL on the 27 of Dec. The fiancée was local and the SIL was out in CA. The SIL had viewing and funeral on Jan 1 while the memorial service for fiancée was the on the 2nd.

When we called to let the family still out in CA know, Gma had a stroke and it does look good, then followed up with the call that she had passed, we were told by the niece out in CA, not to bother keeping them up to date with any deaths for family in IN, seeing as none of had a care about losing a family member out in CA. I seriously want to smack this 30something for being ticked off that no one from IN dropped everything we were doing, getting things put together for a memorial service here locally. We called them several times leading up to their funeral, sent flowers to them, we did every thing any of us could afford to do in the time constraints we were faced with. To have your nose still outta joint a year later is pretty petty. No one here got their nose outta joint when none of them showed up six months earlier for the death of father/Gpa. It's life - a great distance separates us, not a lot of funds for short notice travel, no work time off available, ect. Her brother, has no issues, he gets it. It's just her. Ugh!

 

[amberpi]

We have our traditions, they're just different from yours. And we wouldn't be any more comfortable with yours, than it sounds like you'd be comfortable with ours. Quite honestly, the whole "traditional send off" (exactly whose tradition again?) you described sounds awful to me, and it's the last thing I'd want to have to arrange while I'm in the midst of mourning.

Agreed. My wishes are known, and they don't include a single portion of what is described as a "traditional send off." I've been to very few of what is described in that way but the memorials were no less meaningful. That said, my family is pretty secular, and almost all of my friends are not religious, so the customs may be different.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

How did she feel when she returned? I would have been so upset to miss a sibling's funeral and the time to mourn with family. I understand that your hearts were in the right place but did you at least consider delaying the service/ memorial until she returned.

My 91 year old grandfather passed a couple of years ago in mid January. My out of town siblings and all of our college kids had just been to see him, love on him, and visit one last time during the holidays. We made the decision to put off his service for several weeks since the college kids had just gone back to school. This allowed everyone to make travel arrangements that weren't so last minute and rushed. My family normally chooses cremation so that makes delaying easier.

My dad passed away suddenly last Summer. He'd been declining due to Alzheimers but we had no idea that he would pass- our discussions had been revolving around how long could we keep him at home, etc... In that case all my sibs and all of our kids- grown and in college- rushed home as it was a shock and everyone wanted to be together and be there to support our mom/ grandma.

She understood. It's what the aunt who passed would have wanted. Unfortunately, the one in Germany wasn't coming home until nearly 3 weeks after her sister's passing & it was just too long to wait for the funeral.

 

[ronandannette]

This may be less "sad" and more about the proliferation of different customs, that people bring with them and/or adopt as they increasingly gather in large multicultural cities.

In most first world nations we have many cultures, not just one. And families are increasingly blended, coming from many different background and traditions.

Everyone in my immediate family has been cremated, and the ashes are either kept by loved ones, scattered or interred in a family plot. Then, some weeks later, a memorial/celebration of life is held for family and friends to come together and remember the person who has left us. There's a short informal service, followed by a buffet and gathering.

We have our traditions, they're just different from yours. And we wouldn't be any more comfortable with yours, than it sounds like you'd be comfortable with ours. Quite honestly, the whole "traditional send off" (exactly whose tradition again?) you described sounds awful to me, and it's the last thing I'd want to have to arrange while I'm in the midst of mourning.

Whoa - take it easy; I'm not trying to insult other cultures - I could have communicated a little more clearly. What's "sad" to me isn't multi-culturalism or it's influence (on funeral rites or anything else). What I was trying to express is that I find the idea of a loved one dying without any commemoration very unfortunate.

Although it's not what you describe your family doing, it does happen A LOT. There are hundreds of cardboard boxes of cremains stored in the funeral home I worked at because nobody would even come and pick them up. Next to no involvement at all actually; the contracts were e-mailed to the families and they paid the bill on-line. I realize people are completely entitled to handle things however they want but to me it's sad.

 

[Disney Doll]

I so appreciate you sharing your experience, and I'm glad to got to stick around here on earth and tell it I am fascinated by near death experiences. I'm a life long Catholic, I try to live by all the "rules" and all of that, I don't have a hard time believing in God, but as an adult do find myself having a harder and harder time with certain aspects of certain religions, mainly the idea of earth as being some sort of "score card". I just want to think of God as this force of unconditional love, but then religions make it sound more like you have to do everything perfectly to gain eternal life. It does comfort me to hear someone's personal experience that there was more beyond this life, and it wasn't scary

Remember something...religions and their rules are created by imperfect human beings.

I'm a Catholic. I believe in the basic tenets of the church. That God sent his only begotten Son as our Saviour.

I don't think God cares if I eat meat in a Friday during Lent. I think He has bigger things to worry about. If I choose to fast or abstain on a Friday as a bit of a sscrifial offering, then I think God likes that. But if I have a hamburger on Friday, I don't think anyone is making a black check mark in my book in Heaven.

So the rules made up by men, for me, are subject to interpretation.

 

[amberpi]

Although it's not what you describe your family doing, it does happen A LOT. There are hundreds of cardboard boxes of cremains stored in the funeral home I worked at because nobody would even come and pick them up.

That does make me sad. My mom doesn't know if she wants to be buried at our family cemetery or cremated or put in one of those eco cemetery things. I always tell her I selfishly want her to be cremated, so I can always tote a part of her and dad around no matter where I am. I think you're saying no memorial at all is sad, and I agree.