Death......

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Aside from people's thoughts on wanting vs not wanting to go--

Sometimes $$ is a determining factor on going to a funeral or not. I know for my step-father-in-law it was was going to a lot of $$$$$ to fly last min from KC to Boston for his father's funeral. He wasn't close to his dad (actually his mom and dad gave him up because they couldn't afford to raise him along with all his siblings) but the rest of his family mostly lives up in the New England area. While he would have wanted to go and see his family (less so saying bye to his dad since he wasn't close to him at all) he was unable to afford both to take the time out of work (as he is an independent insurance agent and his business partner had just died from prostate cancer) and afford the cost of the last minute plane tickets.

Also driving isn't always the alternative to flying. That can depend on multiple things such as when is the funeral, how long the drive is, can the person take off work, cost of driving such as hotel expenses and wear and tear on the vehicle, etc.

Some people would like to go but just feasibly can't go.

 

[pryncess527]

I completely agree. I won't go so far as to say that I *like* funerals, but at least in our family, they are generally wonderful family gatherings. It's almost like a mini-family reunion. We are big fans of the "Irish Wake" concept of celebrating life, and I have been to receptions at pubs and bars (during the day, in a private room, but a bar none the less)
Along those lines, I'm always surprised when people say they don't bring kids to funerals. There are always kids running around at the funerals I've been to, and their life brings joy to those who most need it.

I totally agree. As an adult, I find children a wonderful breath of life at a funeral gathering. As a child, I am so grateful that my family took me to several funerals of distant relatives when I was young, it prevented my father's funeral from being my first.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I totally agree. As an adult, I find children a wonderful breath of life at a funeral gathering. As a child, I am so grateful that my family took me to several funerals of distant relatives when I was young, it prevented my father's funeral from being my first.

I agree but also disagree. I think it can depend on the child themselves and the funerals/situations. I understand that for you it may have prepared you or whatnot.

At my grandfather's funeral my cousin (who has a cognitive disorder so she act several years younger than she is and has behavioral issues) wouldn't leave my side. She was very attached to me and wanted to sit with me and wouldn't take no for an answer from her parents and as it was just an overall somber day it was hard to just make things worse. Well the issue was I was in the front row and whenever I cried it made her cry even harder and she would get very very agitated. Honestly I love her so much but that day was one day that I had wished she wasn't there. It made it very difficult for me to even grieve at all. To put that into context that was my grandfather from my mom's side. I never met my grandfather from my dad's side so that was the only grandfather I ever knew.

When I was a child I'm not certain attending funerals enhanced my understanding of death and whatnot. One of my more prominent memories was actually my uncle (by marriage) whose son from a previous marriage died in a car accident (ETA: that son's funeral was the one we were at not my uncle's just for clarification). They had a closed casket because his injuries were so severe. I was young but that's not exactly the memory I wanted as one of my first funerals.

 

[Uncranky Donald]

I think honoring a life is important and beautiful. I also think the pomp and circumstance of the "modern" funeral and wake is over formal, rushed and unnecessarily sad IMHO. However, I can not say that the exposure of these services hasn't shaped me to who I am over my entire life, so I can not discount what they mean to everyone.

I went to my first wake at age 6. My Baba (mother's mother) brought me to my Great Granny's wake (Dad's Grandmother) and it was there that I watched her grab Great Granny's hand in her coffin and begin to pray. My 6 year old mind immediately thought "this is what I will do when Baba dies". I took that "file" and stored it in my brain.

12 years later I got the horrible news at 18 that Baba passed. Upon entering the viewing room not knowing how I would feel, I saw her in her coffin and immediately that "file" opened up and I grabbed her hands and began to pray. In this way the exposure to these types of services made me very comfortable with the dead and being around mourning so I appreciate it's worth. On a similar note as other PPs, the man who gave her "eulogy" at Kingdom Hall didn't even mention she had grandchildren! I almost ran on stage and clocked him, as she had basically raised me and my brother while my parents both worked!

My cousin passed in Sept, unexpectedly, she was only 27 and watching her mother (also my cousin) mourn and cry for HOURS in the service line was heart wrenching. All I kept thinking was, "why do we do this to ourselves??!!"

This Thanksgiving I lost the man of my dreams, my Grandfather. 4 days, 4 days is all I got to honor 90 years....this was my tipping point about this subject. I shared his wake with my 35th birthday and was honored truly. And to complete the circle that his mother and Baba started I could not keep my hands off of his all night, one last squeeze knowing he wasn't gonna squeeze back. These services were emotionally and spiritually exhausting for me; find a lifetime of pictures, NOW!! Write the eulogy..NOW!! And my brother and 2 cousins kept saying, "Oh I can't do that I'm too upset...I can't read in front of people..etc" Well you know what, sometimes you just gotta put your big girl undies on kids!! THIS, THIS is why funerals and wakes are a no go for me. Why are we rushing?!! It took my grandfather 90years to get through his life and now Im supposed to A) cope with him dying and then B)dig up/remember 90 years of memories, love, life, while the clock is ticking?. All the while making sure my Grandmother isn't falling a part. I said to my mother, "please don't do this for me, its too much work." And she said, "yeah but don't you feel like a relief, like somethings complete, like you got to say goodbye?". It took me days to respond as I was just too tired to fight back...but I ended up writing it down and w/o boring you further the shortened version was, NO!

All in all, as someone who used to write for a living there is no piece that I am more proud of than my Grandfather's Eulogy, it was an honor. I understand wakes/funerals are for the living, of course, but I AM alive right now. I do not agree with my Grandmother's and many's sentiment that you shall not laugh or smile at a wake or funeral. That you can not come in jeans and a T-shirt and if this makes me horrible, than color me bad!! It is the living that judge, not the dead... I tell ya us living are a fickly bunch
A nice memorial a few months down the way would be ideal I think, it seems most logical and emotionally humane

 

[CdnCarrie]

I don't go to funerals of people I have never met. It's just the way I feel, even if the relatives of the deceased are close friends or whatever. I honestly don't see the point and it would seem weird to me.

Just because I don't attend the funeral doesn't mean I don't have other ways to show I care.

I have. The adult daughter of a coworker. My BIL's father. I go because I want to support those who have lost a loved one.
When my Dad passed away my coworkers were there and some neighbours. None of them had met my Dad. It meant the world to me that they came to be with me on a difficult day. Sometimes it's not always about you but about others and their needs.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Funerals aren't really for the dead. They're for those left behind. It's important for closure and support.

Did I want to miss a week of work, the week before finals, spend $600 on a plane ticket etc to go and make funeral arrangements and say good bye to my father? No. I wanted to crawl in a hole and not be bothered for a month. But I needed it, my brother and step-mother needed me, and more importantly, I needed the support and love from my friends and family more than I thought did.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'm so sorry that you feel so inconvenienced by the mourning of family members and their funeral traditions. It's probably best that you stay home and save your money if you can't bring yourself to go and support family members in the way they have chosen.

I get what you're saying & I don't think OP really worded it correctly. But, I get what OP is saying as well. As is the case with a wedding, it's not a summons. I think it can be particularly difficult for someone who lives thousands of miles from family they barely know anymore.

My impression of OP's rant was that some not so close relative has passed and OP has decided not to attend the funeral. As a result, OP is catching major Hell from someone in the family (most likely, someone who lives near the funeral).

A lot of assumptions on my part obviously, but it's how I took the original message.

 

[katie01]

I don't have good, fully formed answers...previous to dying I was an uninterested agnostic, kind of waiting for future intelligence. I got future intelligence, in my death experience, that there is certainly MORE, but I'm not smart enough/enlightened enough to know what that means, other than we should help others in this life. My experience made me start working for our local domestic violence center and our local domestic violence outreach program to the jails. Its not easy, but its very worthwhile. My experience has made my life here SO much more worthwhile. That's all I got. It was profound for me, but I don't think it is in the re-telling.

I so appreciate you sharing your experience, and I'm glad to got to stick around here on earth and tell it I am fascinated by near death experiences. I'm a life long Catholic, I try to live by all the "rules" and all of that, I don't have a hard time believing in God, but as an adult do find myself having a harder and harder time with certain aspects of certain religions, mainly the idea of earth as being some sort of "score card". I just want to think of God as this force of unconditional love, but then religions make it sound more like you have to do everything perfectly to gain eternal life. It does comfort me to hear someone's personal experience that there was more beyond this life, and it wasn't scary

 

[amberpi]

I so appreciate you sharing your experience, and I'm glad to got to stick around here on earth and tell it I am fascinated by near death experiences. I'm a life long Catholic, I try to live by all the "rules" and all of that, I don't have a hard time believing in God, but as an adult do find myself having a harder and harder time with certain aspects of certain religions, mainly the idea of earth as being some sort of "score card". I just want to think of God as this force of unconditional love, but then religions make it sound more like you have to do everything perfectly to gain eternal life. It does comfort me to hear someone's personal experience that there was more beyond this life, and it wasn't scary

As someone who wasn't spiritual at all, but wasn't opposed either, the experience was not what I expected and was not scary; its was pleasant actually, but not OMG amazing, just a general feeling of things will be alright. It also didn't align with any version of heaven I've ever heard described from a particular religion either...So, I know what I experienced while I was dead and I know what it meant to me, but not some kind of perfect answer. I'm spending a load of money on therapy to understand it as its pretty earth shattering, hard to understand, completely life altering and then throw in having to recover from something like that...its a lot. I hope that anyone that can get something positive out of my experience does, it makes the load a little less heavy if that makes any kind of non selfish sense.

 

[katie01]

As someone who wasn't spiritual at all, but wasn't opposed either, the experience was not what I expected and was not scary; its was pleasant actually, but not OMG amazing, just a general feeling of things will be alright. It also didn't align with any version of heaven I've ever heard described from a particular religion either...So, I know what I experienced while I was dead and I know what it meant to me, but not some kind of perfect answer. I'm spending a load of money on therapy to understand it as its pretty earth shattering, hard to understand, completely life altering and then throw in having to recover from something like that...its a lot. I hope that anyone that can get something positive out of my experience does, it makes the load a little less heavy if that makes any kind of non selfish sense.

Yes, that makes sense. And I'm sorry for all you went through, your physical and emotional recovery had to be very tough. I hope the healing continues for you

 

[amberpi]

Yes, that makes sense. And I'm sorry for all you went through, your physical and emotional recovery had to be very tough. I hope the healing continues for you

Hard yes, but man, I'm much humble, and happy now. I didn't mean to sound "woe is me," just making the point that the whole being dead thing is super overwhelming.

 

[Missy1961]

I just returned from an out of town funeral. An eight hour drive and two nights in a hotel. I didn't think twice about going. It was important to the immediate family, to support them and show them that your lost loved one was a valuable and special person. When they thanked me for coming (many times) I replied, Of course I am here, where else would I be.

They needed to feel the love and I was more than willing to do anything I could to give that to them, in person.

One of my aunts passed away last week. When my mom died in 2001, her entire family traveled for over 2 hours to be with my family. So my sister and I didn't hesitate a bit - we drove the hours to be with them in their time of mourning. We didn't stay overnight for the funeral (my sister couldn't switch her schedule that much) but my dad went to the wake Sunday night, got a hotel room, and stayed for the funeral. He didn't hesitate either. And my uncle and cousins thanked us too, and I just reminded them how much their support meant to us.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Is there anyone that LIKES funerals?

Grandma Mazur

 

[Elle23]

Sometimes it's not always about you but about others and their needs.

I never said it was about me.

I view funerals as intimate affairs. I personally feel I have no business being at a funeral of someone I have never met. I feel it is best to let loved ones grieve without a bunch of bystanders there who have nothing to do with the deceased.

ETA....as I said before, there are many other ways to show love and concern.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

When my mother passed away almost two years ago, my father was adamant that we not have any visitation, funeral or anything. My mother was quickly cremated and that was it. My sisters and I felt rather unsettled. When my father died five months later, we decided to have a visitation and a memorial for both parents. It was nothing fancy but it was very helpful in coming to terms with their deaths.

 

[scrhsa]

I don't care about the details (burial vs cremation; graveside service vs church, etc), but I have found family gatherings after death to be very cathartic. That's what I think of when I think of "funeral"

This! Most times, when it has been family members, its been a sort of family reunion. You see people you haven't seen in years, share fond memories, laugh and cry!

When my Dad passed it was incredible seeing all the people that showed up! People who knew him as a kid, people he had worked (with who traveled several hours just for the visitation and have to turn right back around and travel back), my own friends( my sisters as well) who did the same, family from out of state. It really was a wonderful testament to the man he was. It was great hearing the stories people had to tell. Stories that I had never heard before. It was beautiful.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Grandma Mazur

This made me giggle. I NEVER actually laughed out loud while reading a book until the scene at the dinner table with the gun in the first book. Grandma Mazur is one of my favorite characters.

 

[HannaBelle]

When my mom's oldest sister died, the middle sister was in Germany on her "trip of a lifetime". We all agreed that the best thing we could do was wait until she got home to tell her. So, we had the funeral without her. My aunt (the one who passed) wouldn't have wanted the event to ruin her sister's trip.

What was her reaction when she got home?

 

[Disneyland1084]

A family member dies. When this happens, the world must stop spinning. You have to drop everything in your life.

Not necessarily. Your post made me think of my DH and his dad. Though my FIL has always been nice to me (for the most part), he's a self centered arrogant jacktard. rolleyes: I'm sure all you Disers know what I meant to say) Going into detail about him is a whole other thread. But my DH, and his two sisters can't stand him. My DH left yesterday to Europe for a whole month. Though his dad isn't in immediate danger of dying, his health is really bad. Anyway, if he happens to die during DH's trip, DH will NOT be cutting his trip short. And there's no reason for him to. The same thing with our trip to Disney World in June. If he happens to die before the trip or during it, we won't be coming back. There won't be a funeral because NOBODY would come.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

It's the custom in my family (extended family too) to not have a funeral, just a viewing at a funeral home. When my Mom passed away, this is what we did and it was what she wanted. My family laughs a lot and you would have thought a comedian was up front doing standup and not my Mom in a coffin. This is also what she would have wanted, lots of laughter, funny stories about her, and lots of warm family around my sister and I. At one point we had to do the stand at the side of the coffin thing for people to pay their respects, and that was really the most formal part of the day. It lasted three hours, at the end I covered her up to the neck with the coffin blanket, and off we went home, no restaurant or catered to-do. It's just not how we all are. She was cremated, and her ashes divided between my sister and I.