Death......

[Pixiedustaway]

Oops...Pixiedust...I apologize! I thought it was meant for Flygirl too. Sorry!!!

No worries.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

I, too, think this post was meant for the OP. Many people seem to read only the OP, and not the rest of the thread, before making comments.

It is. I can't imagine going to a child's funeral. That poster had my thoughts and prayers

 

[fly girl]

No. In no way was that directed at you. I can't imagine going to a child's funeral. My post was directed to the op. Not you at all.

Thank you for clarifying. It just shocked me. I now understand it wasn't meant for me, and I appreciate you letting me know.

Sorry for the confusion.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Thank you for clarifying. It just shocked me. I now understand it wasn't meant for me, and I appreciate you letting me know.

Sorry for the confusion.

Phew. I don't need anyone thinking I'd feel that way about a child. Thanks.

 

[Magpie]

This was to the op. She's upset her life is inconvenienced because someone died. They will never see friends or family again. Yet her life is in a tizzy. I've seen worst posts.

Actually, I checked the OP's recent postings, and she really hasn't given any context or details.

All we really know is that a relative (how close? how distant?) has died and now she has to drop everything and spend thousands on plane tickets. And she wrote three short lines venting about it and vowing to do things differently when it's her turn.

There's been an awful lot of speculation about the OP and her motives, and her character or lack thereof, in this thread, but it's not really based on much.

I think it's a bit of a stretch to say she's just "upset her life is inconvenienced".

 

[jevs]

Ah, that time of the year again when we have all the 'death' threads.

Shouldn't you guys be a little happier going into Summer and all?

To answer the question, I go to funerals to support the living, I may not like it but I do it.

 

[wilkeliza]

Sounds like my stepfather. The best we could do was show up at the cemetery for his burial. No one cried. Honestly, no one cared. We aren't cold people, but he was a vicious b******. It's a sad thing when you've lived your life in such a way that there is not one person who sheds a tear at your passing, isn't it?

The hard thing about my father is that he is two faced as well. The general public knows him as a good solid man who would give you the shirt off his back, tow your grandma's car for free, and helps out with the church when he can but then behind closed doors he beats his kids/molests them and sleeps around on his wife. When people started to hear about what he did to my brothers and I they couldn't believe it at first. The few people who could realize they would never win a case let alone get CPS to come out because of how he was in the public. That's why I said I couldn't stand to be there and listen to people say how great he was and pour one out for him. Just the sad reality of the situation and I know I'm not the only person who has lived with similar.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

No. In no way was that directed at you. I can't imagine going to a child's funeral. My post was directed to the op. Not you at all.

Sorry, I took it the wrong way, also. So glad you aren't insensitive.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Sorry, I took it the wrong way, also. So glad you aren't insensitive.

Thanks.

 

[scrhsa]

I don't think it is but I know a lot of people don't care to go to certain peoples funerals because they weren't close or didn't care for that person much. I surely understand life circumstances get in the way with money, health, time, jobs, kids, commitments.

ETA: I just think it's a bit flippant to act like it's an inconvenience and say "myworld isn't going to stop turning for a funeral" if it's someone you are close to and love. Not being able to go because of circumstances is one thing but I'm not going to act like it's a drag on my life when there are people mourning the death of someone they love.

Absolutely! It's called an Act of Charity. Sure you may feel inconvenienced and have no desire to go...but you go anyway( of course there are always exceptions to the rule ) out of love for your fellow family members, friends, co-workers etc.

Funerals are HARD. Even if you don't know the person well. They are just hard. We, as human beings, do things that make us feel good and going to a funeral and coming face to face with our mortality is not something that makes us feel good. I, personally, have a love/hate relationship with funerals( and love is a bit of a strong word ). On one had I'm saying good by but on the other hand I'm celebrating who that person was. For me it has become easier the stronger my faith has become. I know that death is not the end.

I've told my girls that when I go I want the full on Catholic funeral--say gobs of prayers for my soul but afterward go have a party! Play games, dance to all my favorite songs, eat great food, tell stories, watch home movies. Just have a good time with whoever wants to show up! If it's just them then just be sisters hanging out together...go see a movie

 

[FlightlessDuck]

A family member dies. When this happens, the world must stop spinning. You have to drop everything in your life. You have to drop a couple thousand dollars on last minute plane tickets to travel. It is really a major disruption and serious expense.

I should probably ready all 7 pages before commenting, but it sounds like it's an inconvenience to you that somebody died. I assume you didn't want to make it sound that way, but it did.

I think attending a long-distance funeral should at least somehow relate to how close you were to the deceased. Would you go if it were your sibling? As opposed to your Great Aunt's Third Husband?

Attending a funeral or other memorial service, to me, serves two purposes: It gives you closure, but it also is a sign of support for the family of the departed. If it's not someone you are close with, you shouldn't feel guilty about not going, especially if you don't need closure. Make a phone call, send a card, make a donation or send flowers, whatever. At least let the loved ones of the deceased know you care.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I want people to celebrate my life not mourn me. I know where i'm going when I die and I'm not sad about it. I don't want anyone else to be sad either.

This is something I know in my heart, but it doesn't stop me from mourning. My MIL past away three years ago. She was at peace with the process (she had lung cancer). She was a believer and was ready to meet Jesus. My family are all believers as well and believe she is in a better place.

But.she's.not.here.with.us.

I miss her, every day. When planting flowers. When going to a school concert. When taking prom pictures. Every time something stupid happens in the family, I think "I wish we could ask Mom about this." It's selfish. I know it is. But I'm still sad.

 

[DizBelle]

Bottom line - everyone deals with death differently and no one should make anyone else feel guilty for how they deal with it. Some need funerals. Some don't. It's that simple.

For those that need funerals, there are usually enough others that also need funerals to support each other. Those that don't need funerals shouldn't "have" to go because of some artificial sense of "that's just what you do".

 

[WDBRDWLK]

Wow the timing of this thread really hits home.. As a child, I have attended a lot of funerals for aunts and uncles. Several years passed and then my mom died in 1992 (May 13 will be the 25th anniversary of her death) the day after our DD turned 6 yrs old. I remember getting the call as we were cutting our DD birthday cake that I needed to get a flight to Boston ASAP.. Flew from NC the next day, red eye, and I did not get there in time to say good-bye. It was the hardest thing I ever went through to date. And when my MIL passed in 1995 my DH took it really hard. Both funerals were open casket. I still remember it like it was yesterday. That being the last image of them both. And this past weekend, my DH and I completed our living wills.. and discussed it with our two adult children. Neither of us want a funeral. We will be cremated and our ashes, if our children want, will be divided between the two of them. Both of our families live out of state. Remember us in good times, not in death. Go to WDW, DL or on a DC and think of us, release a balloon or look out into the ocean. Maybe you will just see a glimpse of us in another life.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't have good, fully formed answers...previous to dying I was an uninterested agnostic, kind of waiting for future intelligence. I got future intelligence, in my death experience, that there is certainly MORE, but I'm not smart enough/enlightened enough to know what that means, other than we should help others in this life. My experience made me start working for our local domestic violence center and our local domestic violence outreach program to the jails. Its not easy, but its very worthwhile. My experience has made my life here SO much more worthwhile. That's all I got. It was profound for me, but I don't think it is in the re-telling.

Something similar happened to my Mom, and she described the experience to me. Her experience was very clear and left her with a profound sense of joy. It's funny, she was always relieeous and never afraid to die, but after that, she was kind of lookign forward to that next step of her journey. That she was able to discuss it with me made it easier to cope with the deep sadness I felt when she passed on.

I'm so sorry that you feel so inconvenienced by the mourning of family members and their funeral traditions. It's probably best that you stay home and save your money if you can't bring yourself to go and support family members in the way they have chosen.

I think that there is no one right answer for everyone. I feel strongly about going to a funeral, and I generally will try to pay my respects when a friend loses a loved one. For family? I move Heaven and Earth. But I do understand that my way is not the only way.

I have. The adult daughter of a coworker. My BIL's father. I go because I want to support those who have lost a loved one.
When my Dad passed away my coworkers were there and some neighbours. None of them had met my Dad. It meant the world to me that they came to be with me on a difficult day. Sometimes it's not always about you but about others and their needs.

This is how I feel and why I go. It works for me.

Geez, if that was for me I find that really offensive.

Of course I don't want to go! Who in their right mind would want to go to a funeral for a 2 year old child. Let me tell you, NO ONE!

I'm going because it's the right thing to do. I'm going for my friends, and for their sweet daughter.

And I'm releasing some of my pain on here. I didn't realize I couldn't do that.

Wow! Thanks for the "support".

Oh dear! I am so very sorry for your loss. I have only attended teh funeral of one little one and I pray never to have to do so again.

This thread is timely. I lost my sister on Saturday and my world has turned upside down. I hope that those who come this afternoon and tomorrow are there because they want to be with us. It would break my already bruised heart if people begrudged their time. I can appreciate that these situations are not for everyone, and think that there are many ways to show support. BEtter to find another way to let your family or friend know you care.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Oops...Pixiedust...I apologize! I thought it was meant for Flygirl too. Sorry!!!

No worries. It's all sorted.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Something similar happened to my Mom, and she described the experience to me. Her experience was very clear and left her with a profound sense of joy. It's funny, she was always relieeous and never afraid to die, but after that, she was kind of lookign forward to that next step of her journey. That she was able to discuss it with me made it easier to cope with the deep sadness I felt when she passed on.





I think that there is no one right answer for everyone. I feel strongly about going to a funeral, and I generally will try to pay my respects when a friend loses a loved one. For family? I move Heaven and Earth. But I do understand that my way is not the only way.





This is how I feel and why I go. It works for me.



Oh dear! I am so very sorry for your loss. I have only attended teh funeral of one little one and I pray never to have to do so again.

This thread is timely. I lost my sister on Saturday and my world has turned upside down. I hope that those who come this afternoon and tomorrow are there because they want to be with us. It would break my already bruised heart if people begrudged their time. I can appreciate that these situations are not for everyone, and think that there are many ways to show support. BEtter to find another way to let your family or friend know you care.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[luvsJack]

This is something I know in my heart, but it doesn't stop me from mourning. My MIL past away three years ago. She was at peace with the process (she had lung cancer). She was a believer and was ready to meet Jesus. My family are all believers as well and believe she is in a better place.

But.she's.not.here.with.us.

I miss her, every day. When planting flowers. When going to a school concert. When taking prom pictures. Every time something stupid happens in the family, I think "I wish we could ask Mom about this." It's selfish. I know it is. But I'm still sad.

I am the same way about my Mom. When we knew she wasn't going to make it, the dr. asked her how she was doing. She said "I am just fine. I am going to see. . " and you know the rest. She was very much at peace. My bil told his sibling a few days before his death exactly where he was going when he died. He too was at peace with dying. Doesn't make it a bit easier to be without them.

 

[luvsJack]

Bottom line - everyone deals with death differently and no one should make anyone else feel guilty for how they deal with it. Some need funerals. Some don't. It's that simple.

For those that need funerals, there are usually enough others that also need funerals to support each other. Those that don't need funerals shouldn't "have" to go because of some artificial sense of "that's just what you do".

Here is the thing, for me, and you have every right to feel differently: We go to funerals for the living. We go to give our love, support, condolences, etc. Its not artificial, its a real human need to give to other humans. Its being a part of a caring society. Now that doesn't mean you have to go to every funeral taking place in your town, by any stretch.

I don't go to funerals of acquaintances. I used to if it was someone from work or their family member. After my Dad died, I just couldn't anymore. And military funerals really hit hard since his. But there are some that I have to just suck it up and go. I know there will be many extra tears when Taps begins to play (I mute it on TV much less hearing it in person). I know to brace myself and look away at the folding of the flag. Haven't had to deal with another gun salute yet, but I am sure I will and it will be bad.

Sometimes I find a different way to give support, like when my bil's father died and I kept all the babies and toddlers in the family in the church nursery for the service. Or I volunteer to help organize the food contributions for the luncheon after the service. But that doesn't work out for all of them, so I go.

My fil's funeral was military, and I went to be there for dh and dd. My ex fil's was also military, I went to be there for both of my sons. Both of those were very hard for me but as a caring adult, you just do it.

 

[fly girl]

Oh dear! I am so very sorry for your loss. I have only attended teh funeral of one little one and I pray never to have to do so again.

This thread is timely. I lost my sister on Saturday and my world has turned upside down. I hope that those who come this afternoon and tomorrow are there because they want to be with us. It would break my already bruised heart if people begrudged their time. I can appreciate that these situations are not for everyone, and think that there are many ways to show support. BEtter to find another way to let your family or friend know you care.

Please don't misunderstand, I want to go to see and support them. I didn't travel 500 miles begrudgingly. (They were our next door neighbors for 10 years, but moved this past October).

But yes, I am dreading seeing her little casket. I had a hard time at both my grandma's funerals looking at them. These ladies lived full lives, this one was robbed. But I'm thankful to hug my friends, show them I love them, and let them know I'm here in whatever capacity they need.

I already stopped by the house to see them and stayed for a short while, upon their request. It kills me I cannot do the things I would've done if I were still their neighbor. But thankfully they established wonderful friends here who have been tremendous support. I'm so happy they have that.


Second, I'm so sorry for your loss too. The loss of a sibling is one notch down from loss of a child in my eyes. May you get through these next few days with the love and support from your family and friends.