Death......

[robinb]

A family member dies. When this happens, the world must stop spinning. You have to drop everything in your life. You have to drop a couple thousand dollars on last minute plane tickets to travel. It is really a major disruption and serious expense.

I'm in the same camp that my mother was. She always said that the only funeral she would go to would be her own. And that ended up being true for her. I wish I could do that.

I've made it clear to DH that he's to not have any of this nonsense when I die.

I'm so sorry that you feel so inconvenienced by the mourning of family members and their funeral traditions. It's probably best that you stay home and save your money if you can't bring yourself to go and support family members in the way they have chosen.

 

[OhMari]

Where I live now in NE Wisconsin, funerals are a big deal. As soon as someone dies, the ladies in the church are already preparing casseroles for the "lunch" after the funeral service. Someone dies, and typically 3 or 4 days later, the visitation is held (usually from mid-afternoon until 8 or 9 pm.) Then on the next day, another short visitation is held followed by the funeral service and then the procession to the cemetery grave site. All of this is followed by a lunch. This is just how it's done

My mom passed away unexpectedly 8 years ago. I'm from the Chicago suburbs. My dad was pretty helpless when it came time to plan things - other than having my mom cremated at her request. My brother and sister were clueless. It fell on me. I organized a memorial service for her in the community room of my parent's condo. I made a memory board with family pictures, ordered food to be catered in and got the obituary and service notice published - all from Wisconsin. It was a very short event, but my dh and his parents (who came to support me and my dad) were perplexed with the entire thing.

Fast forward 3 more years and my dad passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer. The man was a hermit his entire life. He had no wishes or plans for a funeral. We had nothing. Not. a. thing. He was cremated as well. My brother (being the only one who lived close) eventually picked up his ashes and still has them (and my mom's) To this day, my dh STILL comments on how we didn't have a funeral, a service, or SOMETHING.

I live in Wisconsin too and funeral's used to be like this, but the generation that did meals for funerals are pretty much gone or deceased. Their daughters did not carry on the tradition. When our parish has funeral's, we always get the question, "don't you have any ladies from the church to make a meal?" So sad, we have to tell them, they can use our hall, but they need to find a caterer.

We had a very prominent lady of our parish that past away and she attended church all the time. When she passed away, she didn't want anything in church. She said she received her "last rights" which is now called "Anointing of the Sick" in the Catholic Faith. She said, she didn't want anyone in church crying about her. Her family had a reception at the Community Center for a few hours and that was it.

One last thing about airplane tickets. Years ago, airlines would sell tickets at a lower price for people that needed last minute tickets to attend a funeral. Ya, those days are long gone. If anything, you pay a ton more, because it is last minute.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I'm so sorry that you feel so inconvenienced by the mourning of family members and their funeral traditions. It's probably best that you stay home and save your money if you can't bring yourself to go and support family members in the way they have chosen.

Yeah I agree. If a family member dies and you're complaining about the cost of going to the service then maybe they and their loved ones don't mean enough for you to go.

 

[prprincess]

As a child, I lost a total of five relatives within the span of 10 years. So, it may sound weird to say, but I've been "all funeral-ed" out for quite some time. Nowadays I only go if it's someone that I was really close to. I used to go out of courtesy/respect to friends, say if one of their parents died, and I can no longer do that. I also like to remember people as they looked when they were living, and seeing open caskets upsets me.

Some of it is impossible to explain. I was dead for only 3:35, I was in a coma for 6 days after that. I can tell you, touch gets through to people to people in a coma, they shaped my weird visions during that time. My dad came and would sing to me, songs he made up as a child for me, and I know he pretty much lived at the hospital, as did my mom (they are still adorable together), but I remember my friends/family who would hold my hand, and those are the ones I would fight to live for, which sounds dramatic, but, I mean, it was dramatic. Literally, life and death.

In death, my grandmother came to me and took me to the library I pretty much lived at as a kid and told me to send the message of being a better person out to the world in action and deeds. Now I do tons of volunteer work and am trying to get my story published by a few major houses, we'll see. I'm not that special, but I hope my story helps women to keep striving for more, in the face of any adversity. I just hope most don't have to re-learn to walk, which is a HARD and humbling process, to get there!

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I wish I could learn more about your experience, but I don't want to push/pry--I would definitely read your book!

 

[Magpie]

Compassion, right? That's what's needed here.

Including compassion for someone who's lost a family member, and who can't quite bring themselves to be enthusiastic about attending the funeral.

Yesterday, I learned that my hairdresser's mother is dying of pancreatic cancer. She regaled all of us with the gruesome details of her last visit with her mum, the evening before. She said she couldn't wait for her mother to finally die, because we wouldn't put a dog through what her mother's had to suffer these past six months. "I'll be HAPPY when she dies!" she announced fiercely.

I think she's absolutely entitled to feel that way, or any other way she happens to feel in the future.

I didn't fly across the continent to attend my grandmother's funeral. We weren't close. I sent cards and donated to her charity, instead.

My mother-in-law's eldest brother was on the other side of the continent, and her other two siblings were actually in hospital when she died. They didn't come to her funeral, and we assured them all that it was just fine. We sent them recordings of the service, instead. None of us expected her brother to spend money he couldn't afford, just to make it to the service.

My 19 year old son stood there in the receiving line, at his grandma's memorial service, demanding to know WHY we had to do this? Where did this insane tradition come from? Why was I making him shake people's hands, people he didn't even know? I think he preferred feeling irritable at everything, instead of sad. Me, I kept laughing at things, including him.

Her memorial was as simple as we could make it, and we still didn't want to do it. None of us did. It's a miracle it got done at all!

And when I was in school, my best friend's mother died suddenly, leaving behind four children. My friend and her twin, the eldest of the children, were just sixteen. At the visitation, she and her twin sister stole the limousine and went for a joy ride in it with several of their younger cousins and relations. They were acting like it was prom night!

People react in a million different ways to death. None of them are "wrong" (except in the case of taking a vehicle you don't own and aren't licensed to drive - that's never a good idea!). I don't think anyone, anywhere, should ever be pressured into attending a funeral or memorial service. I don't think anyone should be criticized for wanting to vent about it. I don't think anyone should be judged harshly, if they choose to skip it. Even if they don't have a good reason, like being a plane ride away or currently stuck in hospital, even if they're literally just a block away from the church and it's a Sunday.

Make sure you have a will. Make plans that won't bankrupt your heirs. That's all we're obliged to do.

 

[mjkacmom]

As a child, I lost a total of five relatives within the span of 10 years. So, it may sound weird to say, but I've been "all funeral-ed" out for quite some time. Nowadays I only go if it's someone that I was really close to. I used to go out of courtesy/respect to friends, say if one of their parents died, and I can no longer do that. I also like to remember people as they looked when they were living, and seeing open caskets upsets me.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I wish I could learn more about your experience, but I don't want to push/pry--I would definitely read your book!

As a child, I went to tons of funerals. All of my grandparents were from big families, there were several every year (3 family members passed on my birthday, 3 years in a row). I think they are good for closure. We have a day or two for viewing, then a service at the funeral home, then off to the church, then off to the ceremony, then off to a repast luncheon, usually open bar. Everyone is invited

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I live in Wisconsin too and funeral's used to be like this, but the generation that did meals for funerals are pretty much gone or deceased. Their daughters did not carry on the tradition. When our parish has funeral's, we always get the question, "don't you have any ladies from the church to make a meal?" So sad, we have to tell them, they can use our hall, but they need to find a caterer.

We had a very prominent lady of our parish that past away and she attended church all the time. When she passed away, she didn't want anything in church. She said she received her "last rights" which is now called "Anointing of the Sick" in the Catholic Faith. She said, she didn't want anyone in church crying about her. Her family had a reception at the Community Center for a few hours and that was it.

One last thing about airplane tickets. Years ago, airlines would sell tickets at a lower price for people that needed last minute tickets to attend a funeral. Ya, those days are long gone. If anything, you pay a ton more, because it is last minute.

I'm in Alabama and our funerals are actually still like this. When Mom died, and again, when Dad did, lunch was provided by the parish. There are many older ladies that drop things off, but there are also many young people that do it too. I've delivered quite a few side dishes, myself.

It is sad that so many parishes have lost the ability to cover things like meals after the funeral.

 

[okeydokey]

I just returned from an out of town funeral. An eight hour drive and two nights in a hotel. I didn't think twice about going. It was important to the immediate family, to support them and show them that your lost loved one was a valuable and special person. When they thanked me for coming (many times) I replied, Of course I am here, where else would I be.

They needed to feel the love and I was more than willing to do anything I could to give that to them, in person.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I just returned from an out of town funeral. An eight hour drive and two nights in a hotel. I didn't think twice about going. It was important to the immediate family, to support them and show them that your lost loved one was a valuable and special person. When they thanked me for coming (many times) I replied, Of course I am here, where else would I be.

They needed to feel the love and I was more than willing to do anything I could to give that to them, in person.

This!

My family is very close and I can't imagine not going to their funeral when they pass. But we actually like each other and spend a lot of time together. I know there are plenty on this board who don't feel the same way about their family.

My SO's cousin died a few years ago. They had family, aunts, uncles and cousins who flew in (some even drove from TX to NJ!!) to attend the funeral and be there for his parents. It meant a lot to them and they will never forget who was there for them in their time of grief. His other cousin's father died this year and family flew in just to support the girls in their time of need after their father died even though they weren't really close with their father.

I think family is what you need in your darkest times. It makes it just a tiny bit "easier" to deal with.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I'm so sorry that you feel so inconvenienced by the mourning of family members and their funeral traditions. It's probably best that you stay home and save your money if you can't bring yourself to go and support family members in the way they have chosen.

This.

 

[amberpi]

I've specified in my will, no funeral, no burial, none of that, just an open house with my favorite music/drinks/food which will be funded out of my estate. I've also set aside money for some family/friends and to set out ashes in Ireland and Its a Small World (not literal ashes, figurative) in CELEBRATION of the time I had here. The most meaningful funerals I've attended were celebrations. Don't feel bad if you don't want to do it. The deceased will never know.

ETA: Supporting those grieving is a tough thing though when you are also grieving. I'm always there, but its a very personal thing.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

You go to a funeral to support the loved ones left behind. I would be very angry and upset if someone close to me died and my close friends and family chose not to attend as "they don't like funerals".
Is there anyone that LIKES funerals?

Exactly.

My husband's best friend lost his father.

We left at noon, an hour after we found out. We drove 14 hours, slept a few hours and went to the funeral. The next day, we drove back home.

I couldn't have imagined missing the funeral.

 

[Magpie]

This!

My family is very close and I can't imagine not going to their funeral when they pass. But we actually like each other and spend a lot of time together. I know there are plenty on this board who don't feel the same way about their family.

My SO's cousin died a few years ago. They had family, aunts, uncles and cousins who flew in (some even drove from TX to NJ!!) to attend the funeral and be there for his parents. It meant a lot to them and they will never forget who was their for them in their time of grief. His other cousin's father died this year and family flew in just to support the girls in their time of need after their father died even though they weren't really close with their father.

I think family is what you need in your darkest times. It makes it just a tiny bit "easier" to deal with.

It's not either/or. My mother-in-law's siblings were incredibly close to her, despite being scattered across two countries. There was a lot of love there, and a whole lot of desire to spend more time together than was possible. They survived their abusive childhood, by relying on each other! They never lost touch, despite life taking them in different directions. But there was also very little money, and most of them were in poor health.

I think the letters and phone calls and the visits that managed to happen while she was still alive (and which brought her SO much joy), mattered much more than whether or not any of them were able to make the funeral.

For goodness sake, my husband and I were on the phone for hours with my mother-in-law's little sister, trying to comfort her while she cried that "Sandy" had been everything to her. I made her a photo book, of my mother-in-law's life, and sent it to her. I can't imagine how horrible it would have been for her, if we'd indicated in any way that we believed not attending her sister's funeral meant they weren't close and didn't enjoy spending time together!

Love is not proven or measured by attendance at a funeral.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

It's not either/or. My mother-in-law's siblings were incredibly close to her, despite being scattered across two countries. There was a lot of love there, and a whole lot of desire to spend more time together than was possible. They survived their abusive childhood, by relying on each other! They never lost touch, despite life taking them in different directions. But there was also very little money, and most of them were in poor health.

I think the letters and phone calls and the visits that managed to happen while she was still alive (and which brought her SO much joy), mattered much more than whether or not any of them were able to make the funeral.

For goodness sake, my husband and I were on the phone for hours with my mother-in-law's little sister, trying to comfort her while she cried that "Sandy" had been everything to her. I made her a photo book, of my mother-in-law's life, and sent it to her.

Love is not proven or measured by attendance at a funeral.

I don't think it is but I know a lot of people don't care to go to certain peoples funerals because they weren't close or didn't care for that person much. I surely understand life circumstances get in the way with money, health, time, jobs, kids, commitments.

ETA: I just think it's a bit flippant to act like it's an inconvenience and say "myworld isn't going to stop turning for a funeral" if it's someone you are close to and love. Not being able to go because of circumstances is one thing but I'm not going to act like it's a drag on my life when there are people mourning the death of someone they love.

 

[Elle23]

You go to a funeral to support the loved ones left behind. I would be very angry and upset if someone close to me died and my close friends and family chose not to attend as "they don't like funerals".
Is there anyone that LIKES funerals?

I don't go to funerals of people I have never met. It's just the way I feel, even if the relatives of the deceased are close friends or whatever. I honestly don't see the point and it would seem weird to me.

Just because I don't attend the funeral doesn't mean I don't have other ways to show I care.

 

[mom2rtk]

the generation that did meals for funerals are pretty much gone or deceased. Their daughters did not carry on the tradition.

Their daughters are probably all juggling full time careers with their families. It's a different time.

 

[Magpie]

Their daughters are probably all juggling full time careers with their families. It's a different time.

Our church has a volunteer group that takes care of feeding everyone at funerals.

I've been to several funerals this year, and last, and after the service everyone moves into the dining hall for a reception line and buffet. It's all organized by church members.

 

[Magpie]

I don't go to funerals of people I have never met. It's just the way I feel, even if the relatives of the deceased are close friends or whatever. I honestly don't see the point and it would seem weird to me.

Just because I don't attend the funeral doesn't mean I don't have other ways to show I care.

It can be uncomfortable, that's for sure!

Last year I accompanied my husband to a visitation for a coworker's father. Open casket, everyone standing around chatting. We were only there for a few minutes, just long enough to express our condolences to the coworker. But before we could get out of there, someone managed to mistake me for a family member, and expressed their sincerest condolences to me on my loss. I just thanked them awkwardly and ran. I mean, what was I going to do? Say, "Oh, I never met the guy!"?

 

[wilkeliza]

Their daughters are probably all juggling full time careers with their families. It's a different time.

It can also just be the area. I know where I grew up in Texas everyone still sends food. Heck when you have a baby even most of my friends have had people bring meals ot their house or send gift cards for delivery etc. I wonder if the daughters just aren't involved as much as their moms. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but it isn't always just because of their careers or whatever.

 

[DopeyDame]

I don't care about the details (burial vs cremation; graveside service vs church, etc), but I have found family gatherings after death to be very cathartic. That's what I think of when I think of "funeral"

I completely agree. I won't go so far as to say that I *like* funerals, but at least in our family, they are generally wonderful family gatherings. It's almost like a mini-family reunion. We are big fans of the "Irish Wake" concept of celebrating life, and I have been to receptions at pubs and bars (during the day, in a private room, but a bar none the less)
Along those lines, I'm always surprised when people say they don't bring kids to funerals. There are always kids running around at the funerals I've been to, and their life brings joy to those who most need it.