DD's BF committed suicide last night, Memorial Service UPDATE #190

[Muffy]

I received a phone call few hours ago by my DD's BF's mother with this terrible news. DD17 broke up with her BF17 2 days ago and he did not take it well. I am beside myself with grief and worry for this family and my own. I have no idea how my DD will take this news. I am very concerned about the guilt she will feel over this. They went out for one year and it was a series of things that made her breakup right at Chrismas. This young man was very controlling with my DD and wanted to know where she was every min. The straw that broke the camels back came last week when he just showed up where she was dining with her GF's. He just walked up and knocked on her window as she was backing out of a parking space. All the girls were startled. He asked my DD if she was seeing him later and DD told him no. He then followed her to her school where she dropped off her GF's. At that point he didn't stop but circled around slowly and watching. We all thought this was very odd. Of course I now realize that this was a dangerous situation but never thought he was capable of suicide. Even though I have mentioned several negitive things about this boy he did have alot of good things about him too. He had a great personality, very witty, intelligent and charming. He came from a great family with the dad being an anesthesiologist. I will never forget his mother on the phone with me this morning.

 

[Briarmom]

How tragic.
I will keep his family and yours in my prayers.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

How awful. Prayers being said for you and your DD at this very difficult time.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Oh, wow. I hope your daughter is able to see that she had nothing to do with this situation. This boy was ill.

How was his mother over the phone? She wasn't trying to place blame, was she? They must be going through hell right now.

 

[swilphil]

How sad for all parties involved. I hope the school offers counseling for your daughter and other kids. If not, and maybe even if they do, you should look into some kind of counseling for your daughter. It could affect her future relationships. And please talk to your daughter about how she went against your advice to break up after Christmas. She shouldn't feel guilty about that. She had very good reason to break up with him. The situation coud possibly have even been worse, I know that's hard to imagine, if she had waited.

 

[becjlek]

Can you daughter talk with your religious leader? They may be able to help her. I am so sorry for all that this happened.

 

[Muffy]

Oh, wow. I hope your daughter is able to see that she had nothing to do with this situation. This boy was ill.

How was his mother over the phone? She wasn't trying to place blame, was she? They must be going through hell right now.

The boys mother does blame my DD. Even though she didn't say it this last time when she called with this horrible news, she did imply it several times on the phone earlier yesterday. She was very bitter yesterday and to have it end like this is horrible. I am scared right now and watching for cars because I'm frighten of this mothers grief. At the sanme time my heart breaks for her.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Prayers for both families. Such a tragedy. Don't think you can reiterate enough to your daughter that this is not her fault. Extra prayers for her.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

The boys mother does blame my DD. Even though she didn't say it this last time when she called with this horrible news, she did imply it several times on the phone earlier yesterday. She was very bitter yesterday and to have it end like this is horrible. I am scared right now and watching for cars because I'm frighten of this mothers grief. At the sanme time my heart breaks for her.

I think it's natural to place blame, especially in an instance like this. She's probably having such a hard time wrapping her brain around why he would do this to them, and your daughter is the easiest target. Just be there to protect her - it's really all you can do at this point.

Hopefully they'll have access to grief counseling and they'll be able to come to grips with the fact that mentally well people, don't take their lives.

Did he leave a note?

 

[Mamu]

Such tragic news Prayers and hugs for both families.

There should be no blame here, There are so many abusive relationships, no one should stay in that kind of relationship. Be thankful this troubled young man did not harm your daughter.

 

[powellrj]

I am so sorry for your family is going through this. I hope that your DD is ok and my prayers are with both families.

 

[kdibattista]

I'm so sorry. Thoughts and prayers to all involved.

You need to get your daughter into counseling asap. She will most likely have guilt over this even though it is in NO WAY her fault and counseling will help her realize this. This young man was obviously very troubled. As for his mother, the grief she is going through will most likely cause her to lash out and blame others. My grandparents and uncle blamed my mother for my father's suicide for many, many years despite the fact that my father clearly had a mental illness and despite the fact that he tried to do this once before he even met my mother. My grandparents blamed my mother because it was much easier then to accept the fact that their son was sick. Fortunately, they have made amends with my mom and know the hurt this has caused her, my sister and myself.

His parents will have to deal with this for the rest of their lives but it is important that they deal with it, not lash out and not place blame. The down side is you cannot control what they do or how they grieve, you can only do what you can to protect your daughter from what is about to come. Personally, I would intercept any contact between the parents and your daughter for the time being.

Again, I'm so sorry

 

[#1hockeymom]

I'm so sorry, Muffy. Prayers to everyone involved. Your DD had NOTHING to do with this tragedy. Please hug her tight for me.

Debbie

 

[JunieJay]

How upsetting and truly frightening for you and your daughter. My prayers are with you and your family, and of course for this young man's family. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. What a tragedy.

 

[froglady]

This, unfortunately, was his last, and most dramatic, controlling act. The only other way he could have been in even MORE control would have been to kill your daughter, also. I know you realize how fortunate you are that he did not exercise ultimate control in this situation. And, his mother is so wrapped up in her grief that she cannot see this. If not now, it would have happened later. If not in reaction to your daughter, to someone else's daughter. And IF (this is a big if) your DD had NOT broken up with him, and had gone on to marry(or not) and have children with him, his anger might be directed out at his children, also. Or at a group of strangers in a mall. We see this story in the news all the time.

I agree with those who advise that your DD get counseling to deal with this, so that she can understand that she is not to blame, despite what irrational people might think.

 

[epcotfan]

I'm so sorry. How horrible for all involved. This is not your daughter's fault. The boy was obviously troubled, and in need of help.

 

[lookingforward]

My heart goes out to you all. PLEASE get your daughter some grief counseling so she can navigate her feelings though this tragedy. His suicide was not your daughters fault and I am so sorry that his mother is bitter. The mother must be dealing with many guilty feelings of her own. There are very active and supportive suicide survivor support groups in most communities and they can offer great support about the aftermath and how to cope. I provide death notifications for the police dept I work for and the suicide support groups have helped many of the families I have assisted.

http://www.afsp.org/

 

[TxDsnyGrl74]

I am so sorry for your family and the BDF’s family. As others suggested, please make you daughter go to grief counseling, even if she says she doesn’t need to go. She will need a place to talk about this, and she might not be able to tell you everything that she’s feeling. I know when I was a teenager, and to some extent as an adult, there are things I just wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about with my Mom or Dad. We will be thinking about your family during this difficult time.

 

[Serena]

This, unfortunately, was his last, and most dramatic, controlling act. The only other way he could have been in even MORE control would have been to kill your daughter, also. I know you realize how fortunate you are that he did not exercise ultimate control in this situation. And, his mother is so wrapped up in her grief that she cannot see this. If not now, it would have happened later. If not in reaction to your daughter, to someone else's daughter. And IF (this is a big if) your DD had NOT broken up with him, and had gone on to marry(or not) and have children with him, his anger might be directed out at his children, also. Or at a group of strangers in a mall. We see this story in the news all the time.

I agree with those who advise that your DD get counseling to deal with this, so that she can understand that she is not to blame, despite what irrational people might think.

I totally agree. It is not your daughter's fault, and thank heavens her instincts told her what she needed to know.

 

[dmslush]

This, unfortunately, was his last, and most dramatic, controlling act. The only other way he could have been in even MORE control would have been to kill your daughter, also. I know you realize how fortunate you are that he did not exercise ultimate control in this situation. And, his mother is so wrapped up in her grief that she cannot see this. If not now, it would have happened later. If not in reaction to your daughter, to someone else's daughter. And IF (this is a big if) your DD had NOT broken up with him, and had gone on to marry(or not) and have children with him, his anger might be directed out at his children, also. Or at a group of strangers in a mall. We see this story in the news all the time.

I agree with those who advise that your DD get counseling to deal with this, so that she can understand that she is not to blame, despite what irrational people might think.

Amen! OP please get your daughter some counseling with someone that specializes in domestic violence. You can call your local domestic violence shelter/program and they can give you information to point you in the right direction.