DD's BF committed suicide last night, Memorial Service UPDATE #190

[The Mystery Machine]

This, unfortunately, was his last, and most dramatic, controlling act. The only other way he could have been in even MORE control would have been to kill your daughter, also. I know you realize how fortunate you are that he did not exercise ultimate control in this situation. And, his mother is so wrapped up in her grief that she cannot see this.

Yep.

The boy was sick and his mother obviously ignored the signs.

Blaming your dd is the easy way out so she doesn't have to look at reality right now or ever.

HUGS......

 

[Charade]

Oh my!

 

[Longsx3]

I am so sorry for your daughter and the boys family. As everyone says please get your daughter into see a counselor ASAP, I am sure she is going to feel tremendous guilt although the situation is no fault of hers.

I moved to Hawaii during my senior yr to live with my brother, my good friend did not want me to go. Shortly after I left she was kidnapped, she was missing for about 8weeks before they found her...I returned shortly before the memorial service. For years I always felt guilt over leaving, that maybe we would have been together and she would have been safe. Feelings I could not express to my parents or even to my BF.

 

[Katy Belle]

Hugs to you and your DD at this difficult time.
Katy

 

[Cindy B]

There is a lot of things going on right now. First, the school should know right now. I'm sure someone has told them.

Where there are suicides in our district, we have specially trained grief counselors that come in free of charge to students. It is unfortunate, but our district had enough suicides in it to have grief counselors on staff/on call.

 

[tekmom]

I am so sorry for your daughter and the boy's family. How awful. It is not your daughters fault. Prayers said for all.

 

[mirthmaiden]

I'm so sorry.

 

[java]

Oh I am so sorry. I feel so for your daughter. I hope she understands how ill he was and really it has nothing to do with her. The timing is awful but she didn't create the mess inside his head that led him to take his own life.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

OMG! I am so very sorry. What a terrible loss for your DD to have to deal with. This is going to be terrible.

Please, PLEASE make an appointment TODAY with a councelor for your DD she is going to need one ASAP. She needs to know she did not cause this.

Oh, I am so heart sick for your little girl.

Fro you and your DD. I will pary for the young man's family.

 

[Caropooh]

How very tragic. Prayers going out for everyone.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

I so sorry for your family and the boys.

Is your DD still in high school? I imagine it will be VERY hard for her to go back to school when she does. Though most adults will realize this isn't DDs fault, some kids will not. Please protect her as best as you can.

Did the boy have siblings that would still be at the school w/your DD?

The funeral will be hard on everyone. Especially since the family of the boy seems to be blaming your DD. If she goes it might cause a scene. Just something to keep in the back of your head.

So so sorry.......what a long road ahead for your family, and the boys.

 

[DawnCt1]

The boys mother does blame my DD. Even though she didn't say it this last time when she called with this horrible news, she did imply it several times on the phone earlier yesterday. She was very bitter yesterday and to have it end like this is horrible. I am scared right now and watching for cars because I'm frighten of this mothers grief. At the sanme time my heart breaks for her.

I feel so bad that I don't know where to begin. I understand that the mother, having just lost her son would be irrational and its important for your DD to understand that anything that mother says to her may be irrational. The fact that the mother is blaming your DD means that she probably put the same amount of "investment" that her DS did, which might in some way explain her son's possessive, controlling behavior. I would arrange for some therapy for your DD right away. She did nothing wrong, as I know you have told her time and again. She ended a teenage romance appropriately. I wouldn't want this mother to be anywhere near my DD ALONE duriing the wake and funeral, if she decides to go. I would be by her side like white on rice. She doesn't need to even hear a suggestion that it is her fault.

 

[KelNottAt]

May God grant strength and comfort to your DD and her boyfriend's family. My heart goes out to everyone.

 

[I'mNoPrince]

Having dealt with the after effects of Suicide please keep an eye on DD and have her talk to someone.

It might not be right away but the effects could come from nowhere some time down the road.

Froglady and Dawnct1 make great points it's now time for you to be the protected mother and not let her be subjected to this poor ladies greif.

Yes it's sad but suicide is a very personal thing and ultimit selfish act that there can be.

 

[Erin1700]

I am so sorry. May you and your DD be touched by the comfort of God.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am so sorry about this situation...what a tragedy.

I would agree that getting DD counselling is the right thing to do. No matter what you or anyone else says, she will think it is her fault. She needs to hear from a professional that there is far more involved in a suicide than one incident. She needs to go over their relationship with the counselor so that the counselor can validate your DD's decision to break up with this young man...the counselor can point out those behaviors which were controlling, bordering perhaps on abusive...or at least having the possibility for abuse down the road. You know, I have to wonder if what you saw as the parent was only the tip of the iceberg. I think it was very telling that she went against your advice to wait until after the holidays...there may have beeen more going on in that relationship in private than even you realize.

I agree with the poster who said this is the young man's final act of "control". You did not mention how he died, but often people who overdose do so in hopes that someone will "find" them before they are actually dead...the "cry for help" thing. Other methods are a bit more immediately "final", and in the case of someone who has shown a pattern of controlling behavior, one can't help but think that part of the thought process was "Hah! I'll fix you. You'll feel so bad you'll never forget me". And sometimes young people truly don't realize that suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. Poor troubled young soul.

As far as his parents...hopefully they will realize as time goes on that their son's issues were deeper than your DD breaking up with him. I would guard your DD very carefullly from his parents for the next few days...there is no telling what they might say or do, and their words could have a long-lasting effect on her.

Prayers for all...your family, the boy's family, and for the repose of the boy's soul.

So sad.....

 

[Muffy]

I appreciate all the advice and kind words. DD is taking it very hard this morning. I think we have reached her that it was not her fault and it takes more than one act to trigger suicide. She will be talking to a professional later today. You have all helped me so much. thank you.

 

[ImMarcik]

I am so sorry your family is going through this. I just said a prayer for everyone involved.

 

[Kathi OD]

How sad and tragic for both families! Prayers and hugs to you all.

 

[LiteBrite]

God bless your daughter and your whole family, Muffy, and the boy's family, too. I have been through the suicide of a family member, and every one of us in the family had to work through the "was it my fault?" thought process before we could lay it to rest. This will take time for your daughter to to deal with, but she's obviously got a loving family and she's going to be ok. Hugs and prayers.