DD12 Called Crying

[Minnie]

OP - What's the conclusion; what did you or your DD decide

 

[PollyannaMom]

I'd encourage her to keep the gift. If she's worried to the point of tears that her dad's feelings will be hurt, they probably will be. Besides, my nieces (ages 10 and 12) just got these, and they do a lot of things the old DS didn't do! She will likely find it a lot of fun if she gives it a chance.

 

[LizabethSwan]

I do not believe she is being ungrateful, but just the opposite. She would rather trade the gift for something she will use and not waste her fathers money on something she won't. She understands her father took the time to buy her something he thought she would love, which is why she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. But as a mom I would rather my child tell me, and then go get something he wants, instead of leaving it in a closet somewhere.
As far as the other family members gifts, I would try and trade them for Wii games that she wants or return them if possible without the receipt.

 

[disneymom3]

She goes on two or three long road trips each year and we are talking about $300 of electronics here. Yes, if she decides not to speak with Dad about returning the items, she'll most likely use it but personally, I'd rather have my $300 spent on something she really wants. But, I thank you for your response ~ I asked for opinions and I am open to all of them, I am not really sure what she should do either Boy, it's hard being the parent sometimes, lol...

Oh honey, it royally sucks being the parent sometimes!

 

[DisneyFan620]

this afternoon. She is at her Dad's to celebrate Xmas (left Xmas morning) and is having difficulty with telling him she wants the receipt for her big gift because she doesn't want it. She called me and asked what she should do but started crying almost immediately because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings To make things worse, he bought her a few clothing items and everything was too small. But before you start feeling too bad for her, she got 75% of what was on her list and she is very happy with most everything.

Her dad bought her the new DSI to replace the DS stolen from his truck in August. He also bought several games and the starter kit and other members of his family bought her games also. So, many of her gifts had to do with the DSI which she doesn't really care to have. She took the time to write all the items down and figure out that it comes to more than $300. She asked me if it would be okay to talk to Dad and tell him she wants to return everything and get the Wii fit and a tablet? to replace the items.

I told her yes, it was okay because no one wants to spend hundreds of dollars for a gift the recipient isn't really happy with. What do you think?

i think that's fine.

 

[bumbershoot]

A gift is just that a gift. The giver gets to pick and the receiver should be taught to accept it and not tell the giver what they really wanted. That is not a gift!!!!

Seriously NOT the gift philosophy I was raised with.

My answer would have been the same if they were still married. Personally, I think the only time you should return a gift is if it's a duplicate or the wrong size. I know I'm in the minority, but the concept of telling someone that the thought they put into your gift wasn't good enough and that I'd do better myself totally boggles my mind and completely takes away from the meaning of gift-giving.

Try this. "I appreciate that you bought me a gift. I do not want your money and work to sit on a shelf, NEVER being used. Let's find something I can USE."

No one is saying that things aren't good enough. They are saying they want you to not have thrown your money away. That is CARING. That is kind.


My DH grew up in a house (no divorce) where gifts must be kept no matter what. HIs parents just threw away money on junk they thought their sons should have (daughter got everyone she wanted). Just tossed it down the drain getting things the boys never ever used. Awful, IMO.

In my house, there wasn't enough available money to get people things they didn't want, couldn't use, etc etc. If a gift wasn't OK, it was MORE than OK to return it. Otherwise you're just flushing that money.



If DS didn't like something I got him, I'd return it and get something else. I have no interest in wasting our family's money. I would be sad if he kept something b/c he thought I'd get my feelings hurt. I just do not invest that much emotion in *gifts*.

 

[smidgy]

To clarify a few points though: her Dad sees her anytime he wants, at least weekly and most often more. Against my better judgment he bought her a cell phone so that he could have daily contact and I must say this has brought them even closer, they seem to be on the phone all the time. If anything, I'm getting a bit jealous that sometimes he knows things before I do (like her getting into the National Honor Society) I know she is spoiled by him materially because he can afford it but she is centered and sweet and I hate to see her in conflict although I know it is a part of growing up.

kudos to you!! for allowing your ex to have so much contact with his daughter. since this is the case in your situation, I retract my earlier post.
it's just that I know many divorced dads (not just my son) who wish they had more time with their kids. regular "down time", not just "fun", playing, or eating bonbons (I don't even know what they are) as another poster stated. many have to share their kids with the rest of the dad's side, who also only get to see the children on the ev. other weekend...
I said.. many.. not all.
since yours is not such a case.. hmm..and they do communicate on the phone , maybe you should suggest to her that she be honest with him, she appreciates the gift, but would it be a problem to replace it with something she would use?
as others have said, if it was just an ugly sweater, or a board game she won't play.. no biggie, just pretend you like it. but this is pretty expensive to go unused.
or... maybe she could take it to game stop. they buy and sell used video games

 

[PatsGirl]

Hi Everyone I picked DD up from her Dad's house last night and he approached me to say he was sending a couple of clothing items with receipts for me to exchange for her so I could go with her and make sure that she gets the right size.

He also mentioned that when he takes her next weekend they'll be returning the DSi and whatever accessories he purchased and shopping together to replace it. He didn't say with what. He did not appear upset about it and said they had a great holiday. When I asked her over dinner, she was very nonchalant and didn't have much to say except that he wanted them to spend the time together returning it instead of sending it home with her for us to do. Guess he wants to make sure its exactly what she wants.

And, to clarify again, it isn't the WII that she wants, she has that already (at his house), its a game that goes with it that is over $100. They play Wii at his house ALL the time and I think both he and his gf would like to have the WiiFit as well

I'm proud of DD for taking the time to think the situation over and make the decision herself. But, after reading so many of these posts, I think I'll take the time to talk to her about gift-receiving and get everything out in the open. She was raised to accept all gifts graciously but I never really gave thought to the gifts that her father and I gave her, we just exchanged them if they didn't fit or she really detested them. Yes, I've been known to buy the sweater that, according to her, everyone would laugh at

Again, thanks to everyone who responded. Happy New Year!

Oh, and btw, this is by far the longest thread I have every posted. I've always thought I should be a member of the "thread killer" post

 

[luvsJack]

Why isn't it okay to hurt Great Aunt Bessie's feelings but it is okay to hurt her father's? That doesn't make sense to me. He clearly put a lot of thought into this, and it just bothers me that she might tell him that it's not good enough. Which won't be her exact words, but it's still the sentiment.

Its not that its ok to hurt her father's feelings. Its that she should be able to have enough of a relationship with her father to be honest with him. As a parent I would much rather my kids be honest about things like that than worry about hurting my feelings.

I am divorced from the father of my two sons. There were years that he asked me what they wanted and there were years he didn't . He had a tendency to buy them the kind of clothes that he wears not what they prefer. After I gave away a load of clothes that had never been worn, I decided that there was no sense in wasting money and that he was going to be more hurt if he never saw the things he bought on them. So I called and told him, "I don't mean to interfere but if you buy the boy's clothing this year they like xxx". (not brands just styles). He wasn't bothered at all and in fact had a talk with them about telling him and not worrying about hurting his feelings.

Dealing with a parent on something like this should be different than dealing with other relatives. A kid needs someone they can be totally honest with.


ETA: just saw the update! Great! See, that's just how a girl's relationship should be with her Dad regardless of where she is living. OP, it sounds like you and your ex are doing a great job!

 

[torinsmom]

Its not that its ok to hurt her father's feelings. Its that she should be able to have enough of a relationship with her father to be honest with him. As a parent I would much rather my kids be honest about things like that than worry about hurting my feelings.

I am divorced from the father of my two sons. There were years that he asked me what they wanted and there were years he didn't . He had a tendency to buy them the kind of clothes that he wears not what they prefer. After I gave away a load of clothes that had never been worn, I decided that there was no sense in wasting money and that he was going to be more hurt if he never saw the things he bought on them. So I called and told him, "I don't mean to interfere but if you buy the boy's clothing this year they like xxx". (not brands just styles). He wasn't bothered at all and in fact had a talk with them about telling him and not worrying about hurting his feelings.

Dealing with a parent on something like this should be different than dealing with other relatives. A kid needs someone they can be totally honest with.


ETA: just saw the update! Great! See, that's just how a girl's relationship should be with her Dad regardless of where she is living. OP, it sounds like you and your ex are doing a great job!

That is my ex's strategy for gift giving with DS. He gives him a baseball cap every year, even though DS has not worn a baseball hat since he was 3. He gives him UNC shirts when DS does not wear them to school. The gifts are things he would like as well such as golf clubs(DS has never plays and ex has never taken him) and this year a telescope, when DS is not into astronomy at all. I wish DS felt comfortable telling him, instead of these things lying around and then eventually going to Goodwill. I emailed him with things DS wanted a month ago, but I guess he wanted to do it on his own.

 

[luvsJack]

That is my ex's strategy for gift giving with DS. He gives him a baseball cap every year, even though DS has not worn a baseball hat since he was 3. He gives him UNC shirts when DS does not wear them to school. The gifts are things he would like as well such as golf clubs(DS has never plays and ex has never taken him) and this year a telescope, when DS is not into astronomy at all. I wish DS felt comfortable telling him, instead of these things lying around and then eventually going to Goodwill. I emailed him with things DS wanted a month ago, but I guess he wanted to do it on his own.

Don't you want to ask them, sometimes, what planet have they been on for the last few years? I mean I really, really wanted to ask my ex if he had actually seen his sons? He was buying them flannel shirts and hunting gear. Neither hunts and neither would be caught dead in a flannel shirt (except during the brief time that younger ds was all into Nirvana and the grunge look)! It was like he was determined to make them like what he likes--without going to the trouble of actually doing those things with them.

 

[DaParkers]

Haven't read all the posts, but decided to give my 2 cents. I don't buy it if I haven't inquired about it from my son. That simple. Did your dd's father ask her what she wanted? I ask my son what 3 things he'd like as a gift, list them by importance, and I let him know beforehand if there is an item that I won't buy for whatever reason. This way I am assured that he's getting something he wants and not something I think he wants.

 

[luvmy3]

First of all I just want to say I don't think your dd is being ungrateful at all, she is 12 and actually being considerate, it seems that she feels bad that she wil be wasting all the money her dad spent on her. At least thats how I took your OP.
I do think she should keep the gift and IF she doesn't use it and her dad questions her she should be honest and tell him that she isn't interested in the game system anymore and doesn't use it much. Maybe next year he will ask her or you (if he wants to surprise her) what she will definitely use.

 

[clovergirl5]

Hi Everyone I picked DD up from her Dad's house last night and he approached me to say he was sending a couple of clothing items with receipts for me to exchange for her so I could go with her and make sure that she gets the right size.

He also mentioned that when he takes her next weekend they'll be returning the DSi and whatever accessories he purchased and shopping together to replace it. He didn't say with what. He did not appear upset about it and said they had a great holiday. When I asked her over dinner, she was very nonchalant and didn't have much to say except that he wanted them to spend the time together returning it instead of sending it home with her for us to do. Guess he wants to make sure its exactly what she wants.

And, to clarify again, it isn't the WII that she wants, she has that already (at his house), its a game that goes with it that is over $100. They play Wii at his house ALL the time and I think both he and his gf would like to have the WiiFit as well

I'm proud of DD for taking the time to think the situation over and make the decision herself. But, after reading so many of these posts, I think I'll take the time to talk to her about gift-receiving and get everything out in the open. She was raised to accept all gifts graciously but I never really gave thought to the gifts that her father and I gave her, we just exchanged them if they didn't fit or she really detested them. Yes, I've been known to buy the sweater that, according to her, everyone would laugh at

Again, thanks to everyone who responded. Happy New Year!

Oh, and btw, this is by far the longest thread I have every posted. I've always thought I should be a member of the "thread killer" post

Thats great! Sounds like it all worked out. You have a very sweet, levelheaded, considerate dd there op. Im sure you are very proud, as you should be! Great mom and dad too dd! You should be proud of them also!

 

[sbell111]

I guess I am in a minority. She seems a bit spoiled adding everything up so she could get to the cash value of the present she really wants. It sounds like her dad really put a lot of thought into her present. I think it would be rude to throw the gifts back in his face, but I may be the only one.

She owned a DS that got stolen from her dad's truck. Her dad feels terrible and replaced it for her on Christmas. She is crying over the gift!

She obvious wanted it at one time. Why did she want it in August but not in December. She is ungrateful. Her dad did a very touching thing. She is 12 and this is a great lesson she can learn.

So many divorced dad, read the threads here, gave their kids jack squat or crap. Here is a divorced dad who really tired and she wants the money instead.

I'm afraid I'm out of the group on this one, too. When my children have received unwanted or unuseable gifts we've expected them to graciously accept them and to be grateful for the fact that someone thought so much of them. I'd be horrified if one of my kids asked for receipts to return something after one of my family members purchased a gift. When we get something we can't use we always find someone in need somewhere that we can give it to. A gift is not necessarily what YOU want, rather it's something that someone else wanted you to have.

What they said.