DD12 Called Crying

[Minnie]

No, you're not the only one.

ITA

Course we all see issues out of eyes clouded by our own experiences.... My EX wouldn't have ever gone to such trouble for DS... Buy him a Xmas present

My family more than makes up for the crap he takes out there

 

[PatsGirl]

I don't think there is anything wrong with the OP talking to her ex on her daughter's behalf IF that is what the daughter wants. I think that talking with her dad about the DSi and working out a solution would be the best. I WOULD NOT go around and ask other family members for the reciepts, I would return those to the stores un-open for a store credit.

DD doesn't want me to talk to her Dad, she just wants advice on whether she should or not...as for asking other family members for receipts this isn't even on our radar

Thank you for recognizing that this situation may not be the norm for many divorced parents. We co-parent and do it very well. I know from experience with DS and his father that this is extremely difficult but it is something that both her Dad and I have worked very hard at and the result is an amazing young lady.

 

[Sandy321]

Thank you for asking. She had her original DS for many years, I think at least 3 years, maybe 4, and always took it on long trips with her Dad. He, of course, would assume she'd like the new, better model for Xmas. She was very upset when the SUV was broken into during a trip the weekend before school started in August: she lost all her electronics: her DS, camera, portable DVD player, Ipod and most of all, her entire suitcase which had a few of her new school outfits in it. I'm not sure that she was upset about the DS, but she is a drama queen and was upset by the whole thing!

Congrats on being able to co-parent - I think the hardest part in life is communication!

I have no advice, I have not been there, done that - I do know that my 13yr old and her 21yr old brother do enjoy her DSi - (DD plays with it from time to time - takes it on journeys, etc - I found it very funny when DS came home from college he has been addicted to get to the next level of Mario Cart - a really old game! LOL go figure, kids - you never know!)

and I was intrigued by this post.....

If she goes on "road trips" with her dad - she should enjoy the DSi - and I wonder didnt he have insurance to replace all the valuables that were stolen? How traumatic it must've been for her!

Good luck to all of you!!

 

[KirstenB]

DD doesn't want me to talk to her Dad, she just wants advice on whether she should or not...as for asking other family members for receipts this isn't even on our radar

Thank you for recognizing that this situation may not be the norm for many divorced parents. We co-parent and do it very well. I know from experience with DS and his father that this is extremely difficult but it is something that both her Dad and I have worked very hard at and the result is an amazing young lady.

I understand asking others isn't on your radar, but the reality is, unless you're prepared to fork over the extra $$ the Wii will cost, then your dd will be trying to get store credits, possibly at different stores from all the games different relatives bought.

It's not just a gift from your former husband, but more like his side of the family. That makes it more complicated. If he takes her on a few trips a year, I vote she keeps it, and uses it every time they get together. At some point, after he sees her using it, etc, she can more tactfully trade it in at Gamestop for a used Wii.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I read through this whole thread so far. Obviously, I may not know what I am talking about here and I do not come from a divorced family, nor am I divorced, nor am I close to anyone to know the dynamics involved with divorced families.

However, here is my 02 cents. Multiple parents have mentioned that if this was their child they would want them to be honest with THEM and tell them that they would prefer something else. I also would not want my DS (when he is old enough to tell me!!) to keep an expensive gift that he would not use that much even though I put thought into it just because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I have also been there with my own parents.

The difference seems to be that this is a divorced family situation and that she should just be grateful that he cares enough to do this. Well, in my opinion, isn't that what dad's are suppose to do. Isn't that the parental role? I understand, all too often, it is not that way especially when divorce is concerned but maybe this is the exception to the rule. This seems like the same situation that so many posters would want their kids to be honest with them, just with the divorced dad stigma on it we are tiptoeing around it.

I am all for teaching kids to be grateful and appreciate the thought that others have put into their gifts. I also think that this applies outside of the parents ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends ... yes you accept graciously and move on. As a parent, we only want them to be happy and while it might hurt our feelings it would probably feel a lot better that they wanted to tell you and didn't want to waste your money. At least it would to me ....

That's my .02. I don't think there is anything wrong with the OP talking to her ex on her daughter's behalf IF that is what the daughter wants. I think that talking with her dad about the DSi and working out a solution would be the best. I WOULD NOT go around and ask other family members for the reciepts, I would return those to the stores un-open for a store credit.

My answer would have been the same if they were still married. Personally, I think the only time you should return a gift is if it's a duplicate or the wrong size. I know I'm in the minority, but the concept of telling someone that the thought they put into your gift wasn't good enough and that I'd do better myself totally boggles my mind and completely takes away from the meaning of gift-giving.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

How many people are involved with the DS? It might be a hassle getting receipts for the games if too many people are involved.

 

[disykat]

IMO, this is sort of an issue that has to do more with parents in today's society spending money on expensive electronics games than a "she should be appreciative" problem.

When I was growing up we only had to worry about an ugly sweater or a monopoly game "going to waste" while we politely pretended we loved it. I hate to see stuff go to waste and I'd be upset like the OP's dd if I thought expensive stuff going to go unused. I probably would have done the math in my head too.

I know many people would call me ungrateful because I'd really rather never get gifts - ever. It just seems so wasteful because you are generally guessing as to whether the recipient will enjoy it. You really can't force someone to enjoy something just because it is a gift.

I've managed to avoid too much of this by avoiding gift exchanges wherever possible and setting $ limits whenever possible. However, I know my own kids aren't thrilled with all of their gifts either. All you can do on either side (giver or receiver) is try your best.

 

[torinsmom]

So, would you rather give someone an expensive gift, have them thank you profusely and then proceed to use that gift once or twice a year rather than have them be honest and tell you that they won't use that gift much and don't want you to have wasted your hard earned money? I guess I just don't get that. If I knew someone would use another item more often, I would be all for them exchanging what I got them, especially if that person was my child.

I got my DS15 lots of things this Christmas without him making out a list. I told him to let me know before he opened the packaging if it was something he wasn't really into. I would rather him take it back and get something he will enjoy, because I work really hard for my money and don't want to have wasted it. Luckily, he was thrilled with everything he got from me. Now, he is at his dad's and we will see how that gifting goes. The ex and his family don't know DS and his likes as well as I do and he usually comes home with some interesting gifts. His dad will buy him an Xbox game that HE would enjoy, and they do not share the same tasted. Ex MIL will buy him a sweat suit, when he is a jeans and t shirt kid. Last year(when he was 14) he got a motorized racing car He will be gracious and we will exchange things he doesn't use if we can and give the rest to Goodwill.

 

[teacherforhi]

My answer would have been the same if they were still married. Personally, I think the only time you should return a gift is if it's a duplicate or the wrong size. I know I'm in the minority, but the concept of telling someone that the thought they put into your gift wasn't good enough and that I'd do better myself totally boggles my mind and completely takes away from the meaning of gift-giving.

I don't understand this. Sometimes not enough thought is put into a gift. Look at the thread where the dad gave his 13-year-old a coloring book. Just because it's a gift doesn't mean that the giver put thought into it.

Granted, this isn't the exact situation. However, I think when one is spending hundreds of dollars on a gift, it might be wise to touch base with the other parent. After all, the OP's daughter didn't put a new DSi on her wish list. Why didn't it occur to the dad to ask why? After all, it she was that desperate for a new one after the theft, wouldn't it be there?

I honestly don't know what I would tell the daughter to do. I get small, crappy presents every year from an aunt. I THINK she means well, but I have to shake my head at her absolute cluelessness. However, I don't see her often enough for her to notice that I never use anything she gets me. Which is the dad going to be hurt by more? The fact that she never uses the DSi, or the fact that she confesses she really didn't want one in the first place?

 

[IDoDis]

Congrats on being able to co-parent - I think the hardest part in life is communication!

I have no advice, I have not been there, done that - I do know that my 13yr old and her 21yr old brother do enjoy her DSi - (DD plays with it from time to time - takes it on journeys, etc - I found it very funny when DS came home from college he has been addicted to get to the next level of Mario Cart - a really old game! LOL go figure, kids - you never know!)

and I was intrigued by this post.....

If she goes on "road trips" with her dad - she should enjoy the DSi - and I wonder didnt he have insurance to replace all the valuables that were stolen? How traumatic it must've been for her!

Good luck to all of you!!

Insurance only covers items that are permanently attached to the car, so the DS would not have been covered in a break-in.

My advice would be to talk to her dad about the receipt and let him know that while she appreciates that he got her such a nice gift, she's outgrown the DS. As far as the other games, I would not call individual family members on those. Instead I would sell the games on Craig's List or on ebay. There will be a loss as you won't get retail for the games, but it's better than calling each person and trying to explain the situation.

I do feel bad for your DD as it sounds like all of her gifts from your ex's side of the family were centered around this DS, so basically she ended up with nothing she could use or wanted. That would make my DD sad, too (in addition to being afraid of hurting her dad's feelings).

It sounds like you are a good mom, so don't let the negative posts get to you. One in particular sounded like it was from a teen (based on the language), so just let those roll off your shoulder.

 

[ProgressCity]

Whatever happened to learning to be happy with what you have? We wonder why this generation is the entitlement generation, maybe it's because we're teaching them that the only way they can be happy is if they get exactly what they want.

I would never dream of telling someone that I didn't like their gift and would like to replace it, and if one of my kids did that it would be the last gift they received. It's a different matter if the person giving the gift let's them know that it's ok to exchange it for something else if it would make them happier.

There are people out there that have learned to be happy living without things that most people on here would consider necessities. This girl is being asked to be happy playing games on the latest portable gaming system out there instead of on a bigger non portable gaming system and she isn't, that sounds spoiled to me.

 

[ProgressCity]

My answer would have been the same if they were still married. Personally, I think the only time you should return a gift is if it's a duplicate or the wrong size. I know I'm in the minority, but the concept of telling someone that the thought they put into your gift wasn't good enough and that I'd do better myself totally boggles my mind and completely takes away from the meaning of gift-giving.

I agree.

 

[PaulaSB12]

this afternoon. She is at her Dad's to celebrate Xmas (left Xmas morning) and is having difficulty with telling him she wants the receipt for her big gift because she doesn't want it. She called me and asked what she should do but started crying almost immediately because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings To make things worse, he bought her a few clothing items and everything was too small. But before you start feeling too bad for her, she got 75% of what was on her list and she is very happy with most everything.

Her dad bought her the new DSI to replace the DS stolen from his truck in August. He also bought several games and the starter kit and other members of his family bought her games also. So, many of her gifts had to do with the DSI which she doesn't really care to have. She took the time to write all the items down and figure out that it comes to more than $300. She asked me if it would be okay to talk to Dad and tell him she wants to return everything and get the Wii fit and a tablet? to replace the items.

I told her yes, it was okay because no one wants to spend hundreds of dollars for a gift the recipient isn't really happy with. What do you think?

If she doesn't want to tell him she doesn't want the gifts how about asking for the receipts in case the dsi doesn't work or becomes faulty?

 

[smidgy]

why is everyone putting it on the poor 12 year old?

as a mother of a divorced dad, he can only go with what he knows. he felt baad, the first game was stolen from his truck.

he spent time and energy communicating with his side of the family, getting her the upgraded system, with games to go with it. bless him.

how was he to know this was no longer the system she wanted? divorced dads get to spend VERY little time with their kids. usually... every other weekend... and try to SQUEEZE in time for the paternal grandparents, who desperately want to see their grandkids, let alone any aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, on that side of the family.
I am finding that I have to give up time with my grandson, just so my son can have a little one-on-one time with his son,which he so deparately wants.
in divorced families, the dad's side tends to "swarm" around every other weekend, plan EVERYTHING around that, since they know it's their only chance to see the little guy, (let alone let great-granddaddy see him, etc)
since the mom here is the one who has the "exclusive" opportunity of spending day-to day time with the child... then it is HER responsibility to let the dad know what the child would reallylike.
would she rather spend a few minutes communicating with her ex, or rather he (and his whole extended family, who probably love the child VERY much)spend money on something the child doesn't want... and then....'
put the poor kid in the middle to tell them all she didn't want it after all?

this is not about the poor kid being spoiled and wanting the money. the child could keep it all, and never use it. I sure wouldn't want my grandchild to do that.

if you are a divorced mom.. you KNOW the dad AND his family love this child VERY much.. if you can't communicate verbally, take a moment to write a note, iif not to the dad, to the paternal grandparents, who love him very much.. and TELL them what he/she wants.

 

[sunnyday123]

why is everyone putting it on the poor 12 year old?

as a mother of a divorced dad, he can only go with what he knows. he felt baad, the first game was stolen from his truck.

he spent time and energy communicating with his side of the family, getting her the upgraded system, with games to go with it. bless him.

how was he to know this was no longer the system she wanted? divorced dads get to spend VERY little time with their kids. usually... every other weekend... and try to SQUEEZE in time for the paternal grandparents, who desperately want to see their grandkids, let alone any aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, on that side of the family.
I am finding that I have to give up time with my grandson, just so my son can have a little one-on-one time with his son,which he so deparately wants.
in divorced families, the dad's side tends to "swarm" around every other weekend, plan EVERYTHING around that, since they know it's their only chance to see the little guy, (let alone let great-granddaddy see him, etc)
since the mom here is the one who has the "exclusive" opportunity of spending day-to day time with the child... then it is HER responsibility to let the dad know what the child would reallylike.
would she rather spend a few minutes communicating with her ex, or rather he (and his whole extended family, who probably love the child VERY much)spend money on something the child doesn't want... and then....'
put the poor kid in the middle to tell them all she didn't want it after all?

this is not about the poor kid being spoiled and wanting the money. the child could keep it all, and never use it. I sure wouldn't want my grandchild to do that.

if you are a divorced mom.. you KNOW the dad AND his family love this child VERY much.. if you can't communicate verbally, take a moment to write a note, iif not to the dad, to the paternal grandparents, who love him very much.. and TELL them what he/she wants.

Bull. So now it's the Mom's fault? Please. Being divorced doesn't make the Dad less of a Dad. It's his responsiblity to know his child, not sit back and blame the Mother for not letting him know. I don't buy the whole "he doesn't get him so he doesn't know, poor Dad" line. A father is a father, geography does not matter. It's called effort. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, etc can use it too.

I think this Father put a lot of effort into his gift, and I still think the DD should be grateful and not return it. Her's was stolen only 4 months ago. People of all ages play these darn things, she just RATHER have a WII.

 

[PatsGirl]

Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions, they are appreciated and provided lots of insight and of course, the pros and cons and moral dilemmas of why or why not

I'm curious to see what DD will do. Like I said in my first post, I gave her the okay to talk with her Dad (not the other relatives) but she was unsure what to do. I just wanted her to know that whatever she decided I'd back her up. It will be interesting to see where her moral compass takes her.

To clarify a few points though: her Dad sees her anytime he wants, at least weekly and most often more. Against my better judgment he bought her a cell phone so that he could have daily contact and I must say this has brought them even closer, they seem to be on the phone all the time. If anything, I'm getting a bit jealous that sometimes he knows things before I do (like her getting into the National Honor Society) I know she is spoiled by him materially because he can afford it but she is centered and sweet and I hate to see her in conflict although I know it is a part of growing up.

 

[torinsmom]

why is everyone putting it on the poor 12 year old?

as a mother of a divorced dad, he can only go with what he knows. he felt baad, the first game was stolen from his truck.

he spent time and energy communicating with his side of the family, getting her the upgraded system, with games to go with it. bless him.

how was he to know this was no longer the system she wanted? divorced dads get to spend VERY little time with their kids. usually... every other weekend... and try to SQUEEZE in time for the paternal grandparents, who desperately want to see their grandkids, let alone any aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, on that side of the family.
I am finding that I have to give up time with my grandson, just so my son can have a little one-on-one time with his son,which he so deparately wants.
in divorced families, the dad's side tends to "swarm" around every other weekend, plan EVERYTHING around that, since they know it's their only chance to see the little guy, (let alone let great-granddaddy see him, etc)
since the mom here is the one who has the "exclusive" opportunity of spending day-to day time with the child... then it is HER responsibility to let the dad know what the child would reallylike.
would she rather spend a few minutes communicating with her ex, or rather he (and his whole extended family, who probably love the child VERY much)spend money on something the child doesn't want... and then....'
put the poor kid in the middle to tell them all she didn't want it after all?

this is not about the poor kid being spoiled and wanting the money. the child could keep it all, and never use it. I sure wouldn't want my grandchild to do that.

if you are a divorced mom.. you KNOW the dad AND his family love this child VERY much.. if you can't communicate verbally, take a moment to write a note, iif not to the dad, to the paternal grandparents, who love him very much.. and TELL them what he/she wants.

I'm very sorry if this is the situation for you, but this is your personal experience. I am a divorced mom and know several more who experience exactly what I do. My ex works 10 miles from me and DS, and now lives about an hour away(by choice with his mom) Up until a year ago, he lived within 20 minutes of us. He does good to get DS twice a month from Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon, even though the door is open for him to get him much more, to come visit , to call, etc. He calls if he can't get him and that is about it. We don't have a bad relationship either, so it is not that. God help me if I NEED him to help with DS when it is not his weekend. He acts like DS only exists when he is with him. I believe he loves him, but he sure doesn't show it.

DS's grandmother from the father's side has had the nerve to say she was never allowed to see her grandson, but even when we were married, she never asked for him to stay with her for the weekend and would only see him when we brought him there to her(an hour away) Once we were divorced, I even took him to her house on Thanksgiving and Christmas, despite the fact that her son did not make a move to do so. If you want to be part of a child's life, you have to make an effort.

If a divorced dad does not know what his child might like for Christmas, he should ask the child or the mom about it. If you don't ask(especially with a child this age), then don't be too upset when they don't really like the gift. I gave my ex a list of things DS wanted but I didn't get him. There were large and small items, as I don't know what his budget is this year. Thing is, some people will not listen to you, and my ex is one of those. DS will come home with something his dad would like. Last year, it was a golf bag with golf clubs. DS has been to the driving range ONCE and never been golfing. I thought maybe his dad was planning on taking him, but no, the clubs just sit there.

If dads feel they don't get enough time with their kids, they should go back to court. Most dads don't seem to want the day to day responsibility of joint physical custody. They want to do the fun stuff and not the hard stuff. Then people want to say the mom has the kid all the time, when most of that time is spent taking care of that child, helping with homework, cooking, etc not playing games and eating bonbons and bonding.

Sorry, that post just hit a nerve I guess.....

 

[ReneeA]

Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions, they are appreciated and provided lots of insight and of course, the pros and cons and moral dilemmas of why or why not

I'm curious to see what DD will do. Like I said in my first post, I gave her the okay to talk with her Dad (not the other relatives) but she was unsure what to do. I just wanted her to know that whatever she decided I'd back her up. It will be interesting to see where her moral compass takes her.

To clarify a few points though: her Dad sees her anytime he wants, at least weekly and most often more. Against my better judgment he bought her a cell phone so that he could have daily contact and I must say this has brought them even closer, they seem to be on the phone all the time. If anything, I'm getting a bit jealous that sometimes he knows things before I do (like her getting into the National Honor Society) I know she is spoiled by him materially because he can afford it but she is centered and sweet and I hate to see her in conflict although I know it is a part of growing up.

You sound like a great mom, and it's so good for your DD that she has such a great relationship with her dad. I think your plan to sit back and let her lead on this one is wonderful. You're letting her grow upand be responsible for herself. That's a priceless gift.

 

[Erin1700]

I didnt get a chance to read all of the replies but I am in the "I would be horrified if my kid asked to take it back" group.

 

[kieras nana]

Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions, they are appreciated and provided lots of insight and of course, the pros and cons and moral dilemmas of why or why not

I'm curious to see what DD will do. Like I said in my first post, I gave her the okay to talk with her Dad (not the other relatives) but she was unsure what to do. I just wanted her to know that whatever she decided I'd back her up. It will be interesting to see where her moral compass takes her.

To clarify a few points though: her Dad sees her anytime he wants, at least weekly and most often more. Against my better judgment he bought her a cell phone so that he could have daily contact and I must say this has brought them even closer, they seem to be on the phone all the time. If anything, I'm getting a bit jealous that sometimes he knows things before I do (like her getting into the National Honor Society) I know she is spoiled by him materially because he can afford it but she is centered and sweet and I hate to see her in conflict although I know it is a part of growing up.

i would just like to congratulate you,on how you have took on board everyones comments & took note,on what people have said.
too many times,people ask for opinions & then react badly,when people are honest,but it's not what they really want to hear.
it's a nice change,to find someone,who has listened,to all points of view & responded so politely.
tracy