DD was left out on Christmas

[bumbershoot]

When we checked out catering halls for our wedding, we made sure that there were ramps and wide doorways to accomodate her chair. I don't know why we thought about it at the time, but I'm glad we did. She caught my bouquet, which was an awesome first experience for everyone - not a dry eye in the house, I tell you. She still has the bouquet in her apartment.

Later, she told me that many of her friends and immediate family members didn't even think twice about renting halls without ramps and a second-floor catering hall in a building without an elevator.

Got all teary eyed while reading that. So sweet of you!



OP, a thought came to me. Well, a situation.

My cousin has congenital cataracts. Both of her kids were born with them. Her dad has them, as did one of his sibs, as did his mom. When my cousin was tiny, they still didn't know the facts about them, and when her dad was small the family practically felt it was a curse.

Cousin's grandmother obviously had kids, 4 of them. The two kids that had the cataracts had kids. The 2 that did not have cataracts did NOT have kids, purposely, because they were very afraid of it. Those with them lived their lives. My (former) uncle is absolutely blind, but made his living with a combo of tuning pianos by ear (very rare ability) and as a musician, and he had a family.

So those that were immediately affected by the problem didn't have a problem continuing life, living, living with joy.

Those on the outskirts, his siblings, have lived with fear of it.

Maybe DH's family isn't that deep, but it's possible that seeing it from the outside is very scary, especially since they know it's genetic. They don't want to think about it, don't want to learn about it, etc etc. But you guys, who have been affected, you just do what you gotta do.


I can't imagine working with people like that.....hope something amazing opens up so you can get out of that situation!

 

[Nik's Mom]

I have 2 autistic children, so I have some understanding on how people can treat a disabled person. We've been in your shoes, although it hasn't been with family. My heart breaks for your dd. If it were me, I'd probably not be around that family anymore. But I know not everyone would agree.

Some people can be totally heart-less. Sorry that your dd is not being treated equally.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Maybe it's time to have have just immediate family for holidays. I'd just explain would be easier for your family (much!) and something you guys have discussed off and on for awhile now. And after some time passes, maybe suggest with the economy it's best not to do gift exchanges. One little change at a time. But it would be better for you and your family in the long run.

No ruffled feathers and some much needed peace.

 

[KirstenB]

Maybe it's time to have have just immediate family for holidays. I'd just explain would be easier for your family (much!) and something you guys have discussed off and on for awhile now. And after some time passes, maybe suggest with the economy it's best not to do gift exchanges. One little change at a time. But it would be better for you and your family in the long run.

No ruffled feathers and some much needed peace.

I love this suggestion, and agree with every word!!! Maybe there's someplace not too far from home, where you can spend a few days together with just your own children, next Christmas.

 

[castleview]

It's very complicated but the situation that we're in just doesn't allow us to exclude them from our lives. We're really tired of keeping our mouths shut and one day, it's all going to blow!

Thanks for your thoughts!

Yes it will, which is why you should lay it all on the table right now or end it completely. I eventually "blew up" after 10 years. On one hand, it felt good to finally get it out. On the other, I don't like the way I behaved and am frightened about how I would have reacted had I waited longer.

 

[Jillpie]

OP, thank you for that clarification, I understand the situation better now. Ya know, not long ago there was a thread here asking if anyone had ever cut family members out of their lives, and several people responded that they had. Do you think maybe that should happen here? I mean you should ask yourself why you get together at the holidays with them, to keep the peace? Well, what peace?? They give you nothing bit grief and heartache. So you are entertaining them, why? I think you have to tell yourselves it's really okay to say goodbye to them, maybe not workwise, but certainly the most happy days of the year like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Its ok, it really is.

 

[minkydog]

Hosting Christmas at your house was a good solution to avoiding the Thanksgiving issue again. Now you know the issue they have is with your daughter.

Perhaps it's just me, but I believe after these 2 instances you are fully aware of how they are going to treat your daughter. Your obligation is to take care of and protect your daughter, and that includes shielding her from people that are out to hurt her. You need to stop seeing them and this will stop the hurt and angry feelings. Because of this, we should not see additional posts venting about this situation. Continuing to subject your daughter to this treatment is nobody's fault but your own, and you have the power to stop it. It's that simple.

I see also that you work together. This really should not have anything to do with family get togethers outside of work. Work is separate from family time.

I completely agree. Op, I think it's high time you and your DH took a quiet stand. I'm not a believer in the whole cutting-them-outta-your-life thing. I think that just causes hard feelings and puts *you* at the forefront of bad behavior. But there is nothing wrong with not socializing with them. This isn't a problem of them not understanding what your lives are like; they just don't care. So you now have permission to not subject yourselves to any more of their foolishness. You don't even have to say anything to them about it--it won't bother them a bit whether you get mad or not, so just don't work yourself up about it. Make it over and done with.

I will say that after this incident, I would not be inviting them to my house again. They behaved badly at Thanksgiving, but they were in their own home and apparently the rules are different there. To come into YOUR house and make a point of ignoring your daughter is unforgiveable, whether she understands it or not.

My 14yo son, Christian, is very mentally disabled. His IQ is <20, so he functions at the level of about a 1yo. He is very hard to buy presents for becuase he has difficulty relating to new things. Because of that, I don't expect my sibs and inlaws to know what to get him. I send them an email in November and tell them what he needs in the way of clothes, school snacks, shoes, etc. Once in a while one of them will venture to buy him a toy, but that's an iffy proposition. I try to discourage them from buying expensive toys altogether. Two of my sisters just send him a Walmart card and we go buy him something he needs--this year it was new shoes(his 5th pair since june!)

I don't know that giving your SIL and BIL a list would help. If they wanted to give gifts to her, they would have. It's painful I know--my BIL is very reluctant to touch Christian or have him in his home. It's a not nice feeling and one of the reasons that we rarely go see them.

You hereby have permission to separate yourselves from this family in a quiet way. Nobody needs to know, not even them. They'll figure it out sooner or later...but they won't care. Sad. You don't need to waste your time on these people.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I agree with Minkydog as a logical approach to these people.

Working with them is not an excuse to accept this behavior that seems won't be changing anytime soon.

So--when you cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. Thus, you and DH change your involvement with these people. They are now nothing more than co-workers. You will not be rude, but you will not go out of your way to make them feel special or welcome any longer.

I would not be doing gift exchanges.

I would not accept invitations to their home.

I would not invite them to my home.

End of story.

I would not tolerate, for any reason, my children being ignored by anyone.

Heck, I had a tizzy when my abled 1 yo was ignored by my parents by way of gifts. I know he was only 1--but when they come with gifts for the other kids and then say my 1yo can play with the boxes, I have a problem with that. As do my other kids who to this day still like to play with their own boxes. And were offended when my step-mother wanted to strip them away to give to my baby/toddler. I just cannot stand any of my kids being an afterthought or being forced to share any portion of an individual gift. I mean--bring the kid a pair of socks or something.



Igoring people is ignorant and cannot be tolerated EVER. More than especially when the recipient of that ignorance is cognizant of such wretched behavior.

No way, no how, never again.

Best of luck and I am so sorry that these people are so cruel (whether by accident or on purpose).

And the only souvenir they get from Hawaii is a postcard just from your DD whom they ignored expressing her joy over this opportunity to take her mind off of how people treat her poorly and enjoy the beauty and welcoming culture of Hawaii. The rest of the family would not be signing. One of those cases where I'd totally be passive agressive.

 

[monsterkitty]

And the only souvenir they get from Hawaii is a postcard just from your DD whom they ignored

Nope, I think they need a shirt that says, "My niece got a MAW trip to Hawaii and all I got is this lousy tee-shirt". I'm sure you could have one made somewhere...

 

[C.Ann]

I just wanted to clarify.

At Thanksgiving we had a problem at my BIL and SIL's house. My BIL said that DD's wheelchair was scratching their wood floors and that she had to have a rug under it. They never really acknowledge her at all. If they had taken the time to get to know her, they would realize that she understands most, if not all, that is going on around her but just can't verbalize it.

We've always exchanged gifts for the kids so this is nothing new. They gave no explanation but said that they would have something for her the next time we see them.

It's very complicated but the situation that we're in just doesn't allow us to exclude them from our lives. We're really tired of keeping our mouths shut and one day, it's all going to blow!

Thanks for your thoughts!

There would be NO situation - complicated or not - that I would allow to put me in the position of having my child treated as though she were "less than" - or worse yet - "doesn't even exitst"..

I would make one simple phone call and inform these so-called family members that they are no longer welcome in your home or your lives - until such time that they can treat EVERYONE in your family with the kindness and dignity they deserve..

I can't imagine anything in the world that would be too "complicated" for you to exclude these horrible people from your life immediately.. Continuing to allow them to treat your younger DD like this (and having your older DD witness it as well) and not removing these people from your lives because it's "complicated" is inexcusable.. Every time you have to interact with these people you're giving them an "out" - by making excuses for them..

There's an old saying: "If you don't want to get walked on, get up off of the floor.." Your DD can't do that - it's up to the two of you, as her parents - to do it for her..

 

[castleview]

Nope, I think they need a shirt that says, "My niece got a MAW trip to Hawaii and all I got is this lousy tee-shirt". I'm sure you could have one made somewhere...

How about "my niece got a MAQ trip to Hawaii and all I got is this lousy chip on my shoulder". Seriously, they sound like people who can't tolerate other people doing/having things that they don't.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

There would be NO situation - complicated or not - that I would allow to put me in the position of having my child treated as though she were "less than" - or worse yet - "doesn't even exitst"..

I would make one simple phone call and inform these so-called family members that they are no longer welcome in your home or your lives - until such time that they can treat EVERYONE in your family with the kindness and dignity they deserve..

I can't imagine anything in the world that would be too "complicated" for you to exclude these horrible people from your life immediately.. Continuing to allow them to treat your younger DD like this (and having your older DD witness it as well) and not removing these people from your lives because it's "complicated" is inexcusable.. Every time you have to interact with these people you're giving them an "out" - by making excuses for them..

There's an old saying: "If you don't want to get walked on, get up off of the floor.." Your DD can't do that - it's up to the two of you, as her parents - to do it for her..

I agree with the above post 100%! NO-ONE would treat any child of mine in that way especially if that child was unable to stick up for herself!

I work with people who have intellectual disabilities and this makes me totally intollerant of bigots and those who treat the disabled as second class in any way. Stick up for yourself - and more importantly your CHILD - and tell these people that due to their attitude towards a member of their own family they are no longer 'family' but work colleagues and as such you will not be visitng them for holidays nor inviting them to your home. At the end of the day you are indicating to them that it is okay to treat your child in this appauling way. I hope that you don't feel this is the case and if you don't then tell them. This is a straight choice between extended family and your own child....I know which I would choose!

 

[bookgirl]

Hosting Christmas at your house was a good solution to avoiding the Thanksgiving issue again. Now you know the issue they have is with your daughter.

Perhaps it's just me, but I believe after these 2 instances you are fully aware of how they are going to treat your daughter. Your obligation is to take care of and protect your daughter, and that includes shielding her from people that are out to hurt her. You need to stop seeing them and this will stop the hurt and angry feelings. Because of this, we should not see additional posts venting about this situation. Continuing to subject your daughter to this treatment is nobody's fault but your own, and you have the power to stop it. It's that simple.

I see also that you work together. This really should not have anything to do with family get togethers outside of work. Work is separate from family time.

Ever heard the phrase "it's not what you said but the way you said it"

 

[darlak]

I have 4 children. One of them first came to us at the age of 3 as a foster child and was eventually adopted by us at the age of 8. That child has a profound hearing loss. My MIL has never given her a gift for any reason. I have no idea if her reasons involve her hearing loss or the fact that she isn't our birth child. Frankly, I don't care what her reasons are.

The last year we celebrated Christmas or any other holiday with my MIL was 1983. That was the year she didn't give my daughter a gift for Christmas, but DID give a gift to her other 5 grandchildren. It's sad, but she was also never invited to any of my children's birthday parties, graduations or weddings. Eventually she had 12 grandchildren. She has also purchased bonds in each child's name at the rate of about 2 per year per child...eleven of them. Every child except my adopted daughter.

My DH goes to see her (she lives about 90 miles away) every couple of months or so. She has mental health issues that allow us to make some excuses for her and which we've used to try to explain her behavior to our children. Still, it's sad that my children have never known their grandmother and even sadder for my MIL, who has never been allowed to get to know her grandchildren. My DH tried talking to her, but he would never fully disclose what those conversations involved. Probably because he knew it would only make me madder. I do know that in the beginning he went to her house to resolve the situation, but came home with the same resolve I already had to not invite her back.

While our decision was sad, it wasn't hard. If you hurt my child once, you will absolutely not get a second chance to do so. I have never regretted my decision, only the fact that it was a decision I had to make at all.

So to the OP, my advice is that you base your decision solely on what is in the best interest of your child. I have to add that looking back now that my youngest is 16, it has really only amounted to minor bump in the road of our lives. My other 3 children all understand and support the decision we made as well.

 

[All American]

If it were me, the next time I went to their house I'd wear golf shoes with spikes and show them the new tap dance I learned, and I would do so on their wooden floor.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would try my best to remove myself form having any interaction with these people. And yes, if it meant leaving the "family business" I would begin taking the steps now to do so.

At the very least, next holiday season I would not be anywhere near these people for any reason in terms of family socialization.

 

[missypie]

I remember your Thanksgiving thread. As I'm reading this new one, what keeps coming to mind is that you mention SIL and BIL don't really know the specifics about DD disability. Sit down and have a frank discussion with them. Talk about how she can hear/understand most everything being said. Perhaps they think she can't and that she wouldn't understand the gift exchange. Also, they may not have had any idea about what an appropriate gift for her would be.

I agree. Assume this one more time that they are ignorant and not mean. Maybe they sincerely think that your D is so disabled that she doesn't even know it's Christmas. Set them straight in a kind way. If they have any redeeming qualities they'll feel terrible about leaving her out.

 

[JerseyJanice]

They are now nothing more than co-workers. You will not be rude, but you will not go out of your way to make them feel special or welcome any longer.

I would not be doing gift exchanges.

I would not accept invitations to their home.

I would not invite them to my home.

End of story.

MTE! I wouldn't even send them a postcard!

FWIW, these people probably can't emotionally handle your DD's condition. Some people are like that, but it's no excuse. They are family and should find a way to demonstrate some compassion.

 

[moon]

I agree. Assume this one more time that they are ignorant and not mean. Maybe they sincerely think that your D is so disabled that she doesn't even know it's Christmas. Set them straight in a kind way. If they have any redeeming qualities they'll feel terrible about leaving her out.

The OP has stated that they know well their DD's condition, to the point that they've asked for links and read up about her disease, so they know how aware she is of her surroundings.

She also said that they aren't "the kindest people" or something to the effect that this is not the only instance were they show a mean streak.

If you read the Thanksgiving thread, they acted horribly back then too wanting to place a rug under the wheelchair and just acting like having DD in their house was a big nuisance.

So, no, innocent ignorance is not the reason for their behavior. They are truly heartless.