DD was left out on Christmas

[Kitzka]

OP-i remember your original thread about thanksgiving and remember being upset then. reading this new thread i feel that it had gotten to the point where i would be done with them.

you mention that you can't be but frankly, i am my child's advocate and my child's protector. if i don't stand up for her who is going to? My MIL always treats my DD as the 2nd best grandchild partially due to the fact that DH and i had her before we were married and that wasn't her idea of the proper way a child should come into this world. but you can bet she hears it from me when she says things like "i can't see my other grand child today so can i come see your child?" DD is 11 now and i allow her to make decisions on her own regarding when she sees them.

you DD isn't able to verbalize so you need to stand up to them for her. since she knows what is going on but can't verbalize it imagine how she is affected by not getting a gift from uncle and aunt so and so. maybe she didn't notice this year because she got so many gifts but what about a year or two from now?

i just wouldn't stand for someone treating my child that way and as a PP stated, anyone who sides with them isn;t someone you want in your life and with your DD anyway. i firmly belive that just because we are born into a certain family doesn't mean we have to have them be a part of our lives.

lara

 

[moon]

Oh, man....I remember your thread from Thanksgiving and I'm LIVID!!!

There's no way this was an honest mistake. It's obvious they did this on purpose, trying to get back at her (and you), not only for the Thanksgiving incident but also because you decided not to go to their wonderful, perfect house for Christmas.

I understand there can be circumstances where you can't cut ties with them, and I'm sure they know it too, so they feel they can treat you and your DD anyway they want.

But life can take strange turns. They probably think they'll always have the upper hand in their situation with you, but things can change in a heartbeat.

They sound like mean-spirited, cruel people and I feel for you.

I hope you have a way out of this situation soon

 

[DebbieB]

I have my brothers and their kids over for Christmas Eve. We don't exchange with the adults but we each give to our nieces & nephew (now 19, 16, 15). Since he has been divorced, my older brother never seems to remember to get something for my nieces (he has the only boy). My younger brother gave him a card for my nephew (he was with his mother, did not come to dinner). So after dinner, my brother pulls out his wallet and hands each of my nieces a $10! At least they got something but it was kind of awkward!

 

[jjarman]

We had something like this happen for several years. My son is an only child and at Christmas we bought presents for my brother, his wife and their 3 kids. They would buy something for me and my husband but every year my son's present would get "forgotten". (They live about 2 hours away) They would promise to send it but never did. Finally I just quit buying for them altogether and they seem to be happy with that. I never understood why they would not buy my son a gift. They are fairly well off so they can afford it. I am very close to my brother so there is no problem in that area.

 

[clovergirl5]

Your DD is the little girl in the wheelchair everyone ignores and the family said not to bring her upstairs because of the wheels on the chair, right?

They would not, under any circumstances, be invited to my house ever again, nor would I associate with them in any way. I cannot beleive how angry I am right now, so I can't imagine how you feel.


I would call them and tell them in no uncertain terms and language they were no longer considered my family, period. Have a nice life and rot somwhere very hot. I would mail back what they gave your other DD and attach a note telling them where to stick it.

I am so sorry you have people in your life like this.

Very well put! Exactly what I would do.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

So your dh just accepted their excuse once again?

 

[Jillpie]

OP, please clarify further. Did they say on the phone that they have a gift for her, but forgot it? And why do you HAVE to have these people in your lives if all they do is hurt you. It really doesn't matter if it's family or not, seriously. Please clarify for me?

 

[bumbershoot]

I just wanted to clarify.

At Thanksgiving we had a problem at my BIL and SIL's house. My BIL said that DD's wheelchair was scratching their wood floors and that she had to have a rug under it.

I think it's important to add, since this is a new thread and people will eventually wonder...you checked the floor and there were NO scratches, her chair doesn't scratch anywhere else, and they didn't explain what you should do as you move the chair, since having a rug under the chair won't work while moving it.

Don't wait for it to blow. Talk to them about it. Maybe they are just clueless, but not heartless. Remind you SIL how difficult daily life is for your DD and that things like family get togethers should be a safe, comfortable, happy time for DD, but as it stands they aren't.

I agree. You can't just let this continue!

 

[MineMail]

Whatever their reasoning, it's unacceptable and downright cruel.

I remember when a Santa gift went astray at our house for a few days. Our daughter was sad and confused - she'd been good all year (true-she was the best-behaved of all) and why did Santa hate her enough to leave her nothing? We KNEW that there was another gift, but none of us could find it. (It was under a coffee table for a day or two, until we cleaned up after Christmas.)

I'm sure your little one felt just as hurt, maybe more so after your phone conversation. You should really let them know that your DD was hurt by being left out, even if she can't let them know in the traditional way.

If they're acting this way because of her disability, then it's their problem, not yours. Personally, I give you credit for tolerating them - I'd mock them to their FACES at every chance for treating a child so poorly.

Hugs and hopes for a more enlightened 2010 for all of you.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I'm sorry you're dealing with insensitive relatives. Good luck in working it out. If your daughter were my niece I would shower her with love. It's a shame that your extended family are missing the blessing of getting to know her.

 

[tink_lover]

I remember your Thanksgiving thread. As I'm reading this new one, what keeps coming to mind is that you mention SIL and BIL don't really know the specifics about DD disability. Sit down and have a frank discussion with them. Talk about how she can hear/understand most everything being said. Perhaps they think she can't and that she wouldn't understand the gift exchange. Also, they may not have had any idea about what an appropriate gift for her would be.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

We're really tired of keeping our mouths shut and one day, it's all going to blow!

Thanks for your thoughts!

psst....that day has come! Blow up and feel good about it!

You are your daughter's best advocate. For your daughter's sake, you do NOT, under any circumstances have to keep your mouth shut. Even to keep family peace.

They have no right to get away with this kind of treatment of your daughter and expect you to accept this kind of treatment. They have hurt your daughter and your family so you shouldn't have to worry about hurting their feelings, if they have any.

Call them immediately, and explain to them (calmly though) exactly how capable your daughter really is, that chairs don't erase feelings, and how much they hurt your daughter. Tell them you expect them to treat your daughter with the same dignity that any other person is treated with.

Go for it!

 

[Jsme]

I posted last month about a problem that we had at Thanksgiving. Because of that, we decided to have Christmas at our house. In the end, we invited all of our family (both sides) and had a very nice dinner.

When it came time to open presents, my older DD helped my younger DD open her gifts. Because she's disabled, she isn't able to do it on her own. When all of the gifts were opened, we cleaned up the paper. After several families had left, I asked my older DD who the gifts were from. All of the gifts were accounted for but we still didn't see anything from my BIL and SIL. We brought the bag of paper garbage back into the house and dumped it on the floor going through it piece by piece but only found paper and tags with her name on them from the gifts that were accounted for.

DH called over to their house and found out that sure enough, they hadn't brought anything for DD.

How do you think it would go next year if their youngest doesn't get anything from us for Christmas.

I just wanted to clarify.

At Thanksgiving we had a problem at my BIL and SIL's house. My BIL said that DD's wheelchair was scratching their wood floors and that she had to have a rug under it. They never really acknowledge her at all. If they had taken the time to get to know her, they would realize that she understands most, if not all, that is going on around her but just can't verbalize it.

We've always exchanged gifts for the kids so this is nothing new. They gave no explanation but said that they would have something for her the next time we see them.

It's very complicated but the situation that we're in just doesn't allow us to exclude them from our lives. We're really tired of keeping our mouths shut and one day, it's all going to blow!

Thanks for your thoughts!

I think what they did was ugly. I can not understand people who does things like this to anyone, much less a child. It does not matter if she is disabled or not, but since she is they should feel doubly ashamed.

God has a special way for treating people when they are ugly to others.

OK, I am hoping what I type next comes out the correct way. I think it makes you the better people to still be involved with them. It shows you are the better person and will not lower yourself to their behavior. However, I know you are sick and tired of this treatment. I am thinking this is a relative of your DH. If so I would have a long heartfelt talk with DH. Hopefully you both are on the same page with this situation. I would have him call them and explain how hurt their treatment is of your daughter to your family and also ask them just to think how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You know kind of clear the air. Let them have their say as well. Do not be surprised if they deny any wrong doing. Even if they do, you have expressed your feelings. This should help you feel better. Either way this will give them some pause.

Good Luck.

 

[daughtersrus]

The situation that we have is that we work together. Short of one of us quitting, we have to deal with each other on a daily basis. There have been issues in the past (before DD was even born) that made working together very uncomfortable. I guess that we're just trying to avoid that but maybe we shouldn't.

We've had many talks with family including them about the disease that DD has. As a matter of fact, they have asked on more than one occasion for us to write the name of the disease and email them a link to the organization. The disease is recessive so there's a chance that their children could also be carriers. No matter how much we tell them, they seem oblivious to it. For instance, a close family member was very sick a few years ago. BIL and SIL had to step up one time and take that person to therapy. We heard nonstop how much of a pain it was. DH pointed out to them that we have been doing this and more for DD on a weekly basis for years.

DH did say that he was waiting for one of the to ask what DD wanted for Christmas and he was going to tell them a magic carpet so that she can put it under her wheelchair so it won't scratch their floor but no one ever asked.

DH was told that the gift was forgotten. I'm not sure if that means that they left it at home or if they forget to get one. Either way, they seemed to remember gifts (including a few birthday gifts for our other DD) as well as the Christmas gifts for all of the the other family members.

Like I said, they have always treated DD different than everyone else but it really started to snowball after they found out DD has been granted a wish by Make A Wish. As a matter of fact, they were down right rude. DH and DD were over at my in-laws the day after Make A Wish came to our house. BIL asked DH why DD is getting a wish since she's not "going to die or anything". DD stepped in and said that the wish isn't only for terminally ill kids but for those with life-threatening problems. (I'm SO proud of DD!). She said that I had applied for the wish months ago and that DD was finally approved. From what I've been told, BIL went on to complain how it wasn't fair that she can pick any trip that she wants (we're going to Hawaii!) and that the whole family can go for free. DH and DD went on to tell him that MAW offered to send us to Paris, Australia, the Bahamas...wherever we thought DD would enjoy. I think deep down they have some type of jealousy going on. BIL and SIL are well off. They are not hurting for money in the least so I'm not sure what the problem is. When I saw them, I did tell them that I'd gladly trade the trip for a cure that would make DD a typical teenager. That did shut them up for a second.

There are other issues as well. Let's just say that they are not the most kind or affectionate people that we know.

 

[MOMTOCUTESTDOGEVER]

Hosting Christmas at your house was a good solution to avoiding the Thanksgiving issue again. Now you know the issue they have is with your daughter.

Perhaps it's just me, but I believe after these 2 instances you are fully aware of how they are going to treat your daughter. Your obligation is to take care of and protect your daughter, and that includes shielding her from people that are out to hurt her. You need to stop seeing them and this will stop the hurt and angry feelings. Because of this, we should not see additional posts venting about this situation. Continuing to subject your daughter to this treatment is nobody's fault but your own, and you have the power to stop it. It's that simple.

I see also that you work together. This really should not have anything to do with family get togethers outside of work. Work is separate from family time.

 

[Ceila]

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to work with these people every day. Cutting them off would, unfortunately, be pretty much impossible. In this case, then, I think a heart-to-heart is in order, making sure they are told that your DD does understand what is going on, and that her feelings can get hurt just like anyone else's. I would also tell them in no uncertain terms that if, in the future, they negelct to include her in the gift exchange, then the only solution will be for your two families to cease exchanging completely.

 

[LizabethSwan]

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to work with these people every day. Cutting them off would, unfortunately, be pretty much impossible. In this case, then, I think a heart-to-heart is in order, making sure they are told that your DD does understand what is going on, and that her feelings can get hurt just like anyone else's. I would also tell them in no uncertain terms that if, in the future, they negelct to include her in the gift exchange, then the only solution will be for your two families to cease exchanging completely.

I agree I would no longer exchange gifts with them.

 

[MineMail]

People are so thoughtless about wheelchair-bound children and adults. We have a distant cousin-by-marriage who has been in a wheelchair for many years - using crutches just became too difficult for her as she grew up. She really struggled with the decision to use a wheelchair but it came to a point where she had no choice.

When we checked out catering halls for our wedding, we made sure that there were ramps and wide doorways to accomodate her chair. I don't know why we thought about it at the time, but I'm glad we did. She caught my bouquet, which was an awesome first experience for everyone - not a dry eye in the house, I tell you. She still has the bouquet in her apartment.

Later, she told me that many of her friends and immediate family members didn't even think twice about renting halls without ramps and a second-floor catering hall in a building without an elevator.

I'm glad we thought about it and I hope the OP's BIL/SIL wakes up to the reality of the situation one day.

 

[MizTink]

Hosting Christmas at your house was a good solution to avoiding the Thanksgiving issue again. Now you know the issue they have is with your daughter.

Perhaps it's just me, but I believe after these 2 instances you are fully aware of how they are going to treat your daughter. Your obligation is to take care of and protect your daughter, and that includes shielding her from people that are out to hurt her. You need to stop seeing them and this will stop the hurt and angry feelings. Because of this, we should not see additional posts venting about this situation. Continuing to subject your daughter to this treatment is nobody's fault but your own, and you have the power to stop it. It's that simple.

I see also that you work together. This really should not have anything to do with family get togethers outside of work. Work is separate from family time.

no matter how right you are, it's easier said than done.

 

[MizTink]

People are so thoughtless about wheelchair-bound children and adults. We have a distant cousin-by-marriage who has been in a wheelchair for many years - using crutches just became too difficult for her as she grew up. She really struggled with the decision to use a wheelchair but it came to a point where she had no choice.

When we checked out catering halls for our wedding, we made sure that there were ramps and wide doorways to accomodate her chair. I don't know why we thought about it at the time, but I'm glad we did. She caught my bouquet, which was an awesome first experience for everyone - not a dry eye in the house, I tell you. She still has the bouquet in her apartment.

Later, she told me that many of her friends and immediate family members didn't even think twice about renting halls without ramps and a second-floor catering hall in a building without an elevator.

I'm glad we thought about it and I hope the OP's BIL/SIL wakes up to the reality of the situation one day.

unfortunately, this may come when they have grandchildren. op said their kids may be carriers.....
God works in mysterious ways and we all know that sometimes blessings come in disguise.