DD wants a purity ring

[luvsJack]

In my experience, these little close-knit groups define the word gossip. I find this horrifying.

That isn't the way it is for them so nothing horrifying about it. No one talked her into doing this nor did they ask anyone to speak. She chose to.

You have to understand, the girl wasn't relating every thing she did and how many times and how many guys or what happened with what guy.

She simply told her story of where she came from and where she is now. And how her faith has changed her life. And why she wears the ring she does. Or at least that was my understanding from what dd said.

 

[SplashMtnCrew]

MTE.
Maybe you should have used that great line from Circle of Life,
"You have to be the teacher's pig, eh, Pumba?"

ford family

You are so witty and clever!

 

[ilovemk76]

Since you don't know me and I don't know her, I don't think its going to get back to her.

DD told me because of the girl's testimony made her start thinking about all the things they had been talking about (which is a sort of the point of the testimony). And I don't even really know all of it. She didn't repeat it to anyone else, there was no reason as she doesn't go to school with the girl. The girl is older than dd and someone she could possibly look up to. Most of these kids don't gossip about each other. They are a very close group.

The girl gave her testimony because she hoped her story would help others. I highly doubt she was concerned with anyone "retelling" it.

That isn't the way it is for them so nothing horrifying about it. No one talked her into doing this nor did they ask anyone to speak. She chose to.

You have to understand, the girl wasn't relating every thing she did and how many times and how many guys or what happened with what guy.

She simply told her story of where she came from and where she is now. And how her faith has changed her life. And why she wears the ring she does. Or at least that was my understanding from what dd said.

How do you know what she told since your DD did not tell all of it?

If this group is so close and they do not talk then they will cover for each other. That is a major concern.

 

[luvsJack]

How do you know what she told since your DD did not tell all of it?

If this group is so close and they do not talk then they will cover for each other. That is a major concern.

Cover what? There is an adult and 2 or 3 college students that lead the group. It is a small, bible study group that meets once a week after their youth group meeting, not just a group of friends gathered together.

I said, "that was my understanding from what dd said" or something to that effect.

 

[TinkerBelled]

Very personally, I wouldn't have wanted my parents to celebrate my sexuality with a gift. I didn't want jewelry when I was a virgin; I didn't want jewelry when I did finally have sex. (Well, of course, I wanted jewelry, but not because of my sexual status.)

I wouldn't have wanted a present from my parents as part of a promise to abstain; I wouldn't have wanted a present from my parents as part of a promise to have sex early and often.

Personally, I think that rings can be coercive. Of course I don't think that's true for everyone, and I'm delighted that people found personal peace with their choices. But I do know people who made pledges to their parents under duress. Of course their parents didn't use physical force--but simply by wanting not to disappoint their parents, and to live up to their parents' expectations, they made promises they didn't feel like they could keep.

I have found, in my experience, that the more public the ceremony or pledge, the more likely it is to include some aspect of coercion--peer pressure, parental pressure, pressure from the congregation. Some of this is just encouraging behavior people find is moral, and I appreciate that. But when it becomes something public, something reified, something performative--it has far greater coercive power. (Would anyone really want to be the only girl in the congregation not going to the purity ball? Not sporting the ring?) And in those cases, I think it can lead to false promises. I've seen friends struggle with trying to fulfill promises they made five years earlier, before they were mature enough to understand what they were promising or what it would mean.

At its heart, I would hope that my parents wouldn't fixate on my sexual status as a sign of my faith or my character. Surely there are things dearer to every major religion and moral system: kindness to the unfortunate; forgiveness; self-sacrifice; devotion to one's spiritual beliefs. To concentrate on sexuality so much--to make it the Big Thing about which one must be reminded every day--is probably what's bothering most people. And to have parents so deeply involved and invested in a child's sexuality--and let's face it, especially a girl's sexuality--can strike people as anything from overbearing to prurient.

 

[Embel]

I have an 11 yr old dd. For me, I think that deciding to abstain until marriage is not a decision she is equipped to make at this point in her life. Some of the factors that may influence her not to abstain later are things she has no experience with now, including hormones, dating, and sexual peer pressure.

Since she's never experienced them, abstaining is an easy promise to make, and more like something she would be doing because it's expected of her, whether it's by me, or by her peers, or her church leaders. Or because the people around her are doing it. And, there is nothing wrong with that.

But, IMHO, it the decision to abstain would only become worthy of a ceremony and/or a ring if and when the decision is made by her, in a completely informed way; something she doesn't have the experience and maturity for now.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

A purity ring should be a symbol to the person who chooses that path.

To have your mother shout it all over a message board, takes any dignity and grace from the decision and turns it into nothing more than a delusion of grandeur and a symbol of how much better you think you are then people who choose otherwise.

JMHO.

 

[luvsJack]

A purity ring should be a symbol to the person who chooses that path.

To have your mother shout it all over a message board, takes any dignity and grace from the decision and turns it into nothing more than a delusion of grandeur and a symbol of how much better you think you are then people who choose otherwise.

JMHO.

I don't see where anyone on this thread gave any indication of thinking they are better than anyone else. How can a girl's decision possibly make the parent a better person? its her promise not her parent's.

 

[pacrosby]

A purity ring should be a symbol to the person who chooses that path.

To have your mother shout it all over a message board, takes any dignity and grace from the decision and turns it into nothing more than a delusion of grandeur and a symbol of how much better you think you are then people who choose otherwise.

JMHO.

I'm sorry. That's absurd. You don't know the OP. You don't know her daughter. It was a conversation...nothing more, nothing less. Maybe (maybe) it'd be different if she announced it at the PTA meeting, but here? On the DIS?

When people try to twist things in this manner I see insecurity. And a general lack of self confidence. Why is her decision so threatening to some? It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Something to think about perhaps.

 

[LuvinLucifer]

Maybe (maybe) it'd be different if she announced it at the PTA meeting, but here? On the DIS?

For real... She probably posted on here because she wanted to protect her daughter's privacy.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

For real... She probably posted on here because she wanted to protect her daughter's privacy.

Yeah, nothing like putting it all over a message board to protect your child's privacy.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I'm sorry. That's absurd. You don't know the OP. You don't know her daughter. It was a conversation...nothing more, nothing less. Maybe (maybe) it'd be different if she announced it at the PTA meeting, but here? On the DIS?

When people try to twist things in this manner I see insecurity. And a general lack of self confidence. Why is her decision so threatening to some? It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Something to think about perhaps.

That's right, I don't know the OP or her daughter, yet I know intimate little secrets about their lives. THAT is absurd. Why you would want to talk about your daughters sex life with strangers is beyond me.

 

[luvsJack]

That's right, I don't know the OP or her daughter, yet I know intimate little secrets about their lives. THAT is absurd. Why you would want to talk about your daughters sex life with strangers is beyond me.

Why do discuss anything with strangers? Maybe because its things we don't want to discuss irl ?

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Why do discuss anything with strangers? Maybe because its things we don't want to discuss irl ?

If that's what helps you I guess. I feel it's a betrayal of trust to talk about my childs most personal decisions with strangers on a message board.

Whatevs.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Definitely would not buy a child a purity ring, for the sole reason that I wouldn't expect them to wait until they got married (which these days is happening later and later) to enjoy sex. By 11, they should have a very good understanding of what sex entails and how to prevent pregnancy and STDs, though.

 

[themilesfamily]

I'm going to commit a DIS cardinal sin and not read all 33 pages, but my question is, at this church, was it suggested that boys wear purity rings, as well?

The last time I checked, sex is a two-way street and I don't like the idea of girls being asked to pledge purity and the implication that the burden is being put solely on them. I'm just curious as to what was said to the boys? If the boys are being asked to wear purity rings, too, cool. If not, I would ask why. (And I apologize if this has all been discussed on page 15.)

If my DD wanted to wear a purity ring, I'd be okay with it, but I'd certainly have a HUGE discussion about what it meant in the context of our family, what her options are, choices and consequences, etc.

We recently talked to our eight year old about what sex actually is -- i.e. the basic mechanics of it -- as she was asking questions. Her response, "Awesome, I can't wait to have sex!" My DH almost died. We had to refine the conversation a bit.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Also, purity rings are a pretty heteronormative thing. I wonder if these programs also discuss sex that young women have with other young women, and boys with other boys.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We recently talked to our eight year old about what sex actually is -- i.e. the basic mechanics of it -- as she was asking questions. Her response, "Awesome, I can't wait to have sex!" My DH almost died. We had to refine the conversation a bit.

Also, purity rings are a pretty heteronormative thing. I wonder if these programs also discuss sex that young women have with other young women, and boys with other boys.

Good question.

 

[ilovemk76]

Also, purity rings are a pretty heteronormative thing. I wonder if these programs also discuss sex that young women have with other young women, and boys with other boys.

Of course not. They all know it is a sin. Wait, so is sex outside of marriage. So why the need for the ring?

 

[LuvinLucifer]

Yeah, nothing like putting it all over a message board to protect your child's privacy.

Sorry...I missed the part where she revealed her daughter's identity.