DD wants a purity ring

[momz]

OP here.

I have not discussed this issue with anyone other than my husband and my DD. With the exception of this anonymous message board. I have not revealed any identifying information, nor do I intend to. Also, my DD has no idea that I have discussed it here. I would NEVER bring it up with anyone in our community. I haven't even discussed it with the church that introduced the idea to her.

also, this thread has gotten to over 30 pages long with only one person suggestion that I am embarassing my daughter by discussing it here. I'm not worried about it.

A recent poster asked what was discussed with the boys. Honestly, I have no idea. I know that the "lesson" my daughter participated in was girls only.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

OP here.

I have not discussed this issue with anyone other than my husband and my DD. With the exception of this anonymous message board. I have not revealed any identifying information, nor do I intend to. Also, my DD has no idea that I have discussed it here. I would NEVER bring it up with anyone in our community. I haven't even discussed it with the church that introduced the idea to her.

also, this thread has gotten to over 30 pages long with only one person suggestion that I am embarassing my daughter by discussing it here. I'm not worried about it.

A recent poster asked what was discussed with the boys. Honestly, I have no idea. I know that the "lesson" my daughter participated in was girls only.

I don't think that poster was talking about you. I think those comments were directed at another poster.

 

[pacrosby]

That's right, I don't know the OP or her daughter, yet I know intimate little secrets about their lives. THAT is absurd. Why you would want to talk about your daughters sex life with strangers is beyond me.

Where does she live? What's her name? You know nothing about "her" or "her" daughter because you don't know who they are. She's nothing but a name on a screen.

 

[ashley0139]

I'm going to commit a DIS cardinal sin and not read all 33 pages, but my question is, at this church, was it suggested that boys wear purity rings, as well?

We recently talked to our eight year old about what sex actually is -- i.e. the basic mechanics of it -- as she was asking questions. Her response, "Awesome, I can't wait to have sex!" My DH almost died. We had to refine the conversation a bit.

I have to wonder about if the boys were pressured to get purity rings too.

Also, I love the story about your daughter. So funny.

Also, purity rings are a pretty heteronormative thing. I wonder if these programs also discuss sex that young women have with other young women, and boys with other boys.

I've been wondering about this as well.

 

[pacrosby]

Definitely would not buy a child a purity ring, for the sole reason that I wouldn't expect them to wait until they got married (which these days is happening later and later) to enjoy sex. By 11, they should have a very good understanding of what sex entails and how to prevent pregnancy and STDs, though.

Maybe I'm going off on a tangent here so ignore if you like. But this is not the first person who seems to be implying that 11 years olds are sexually active. Where do you people live? I mean I'm not naive and I know that there are going to be a small minority that are....but where do 'you' live that you think it's in your, and everyone else's backyard. Where are these 11 yo's doing all this stuff? Eleven year olds I know (even 12 and most 13 yo's) are not going to parties, they can't drive, they aren't roaming the streets after school looking for places to 'be alone'. IDK...maybe I live in Mayberry but this is just not my reality.

 

[LuvinLucifer]

I'm sure more girls than boys wear purity rings because girls typically wear more jewelry. However, I'd bet the pressure to abstain from sex is similar with genders. I went to a Catholic school where abstinence was stressed, and I never felt like us girls were being singled out. Pam Stenzel even came to our school and really made guys who had premarital sex out to be scumbags. I'm not that familiar with evangelical circles, but seeing how celebrities like the Jonas Brothers, Kaka, and Tim Tebow have been open about their virginity I doubt it's much different.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Maybe I'm going off on a tangent here so ignore if you like. But this is not the first person who seems to be implying that 11 years olds are sexually active. Where do you people live? I mean I'm not naive and I know that there are going to be a small minority that are....but where do 'you' live that you think it's in your, and everyone else's backyard. Where are these 11 yo's doing all this stuff? Eleven year olds I know (even 12 and most 13 yo's) are not going to parties, they can't drive, they aren't roaming the streets after school looking for places to 'be alone'. IDK...maybe I live in Mayberry but this is just not my reality.

25% of 15 year olds have already had sex. (cite) By age 17, you're at about half. So, a lot of those kids were 11, 12, 13, 14 years old. If you wait to talk about it until high school, that's really too late.

 

[pacrosby]

25% of 15 year olds have already had sex. (cite) By age 17, you're at about half. So, a lot of those kids were 11, 12, 13, 14 years old. If you wait to talk about it until high school, that's really too late.

I'm sorry I think you misunderstood my question...I'm not saying they shouldn't be talked to.

That said just because 25% have had sex by 15 doesn't really give us any information about when they first started. By 15 kids are dating, many girls are dating older boys and their parents are letting them go off with them in their cars. Unchaperoned parties are not unusual in high school. High school kids are more likely to say 'hey I'm going to hang out over so and so's house". Younger teens? Not so much. I wouldn't be surpised if the majority of that 25% had sex for the first time within the previous year. My soon to be 13 yo would have to be having sex in the bathroom of the middle sex if she were having it. There simply is no other opportunity.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I'm sorry I think you misunderstood my question...I'm not saying they shouldn't be talked to.

That said just because 25% have had sex by 15 doesn't really give us any information about when they first started. By 15 kids are dating, many girls are dating older boys and their parents are letting them go off with them in their cars. Unchaperoned parties are not unusual in high school. High school kids are more likely to say 'hey I'm going to hang out over so and so's house". Younger teens? Not so much. My soon to be 13 yo would have to be having sex in the bathroom of the middle sex if she were having it. There simply is no other opportunity.

Lots of kids experiment at a friend's house, with the bedroom door closed or when mom and dad are at work, or well, any number of places.

 

[pacrosby]

Lots of kids experiment at a friend's house, with the bedroom door closed or when mom and dad are at work, or well, any number of places.

I guess you've answered my question. The 11/12/13 year olds who do this are those whose parents allow them more freedom than perhaps they should have. I don't know parents who would allow their child (no matter the age) to be in their bedroom with a member of the opposite sex with the door closed. I don't know young teens who just hang out in mixed groups at each other's houses when parents aren't home.....how are they even getting over there if they don't drive? Someone has to be driving them which means someone knows they are somewhere unsupervised (and if they don't, they should have found out). I don't know young teens who roam unsupervised looking for places to...well, whatever. Where are they going to go? The back of dumpster in the McDonald's parking lot? Most young teens seem to be better supervised around here...they go to school, they go to after school activities, they go "home". Very few, according to my almost 13 yo daughter, even have 'real' boy/girlfriends. It's still just a lot of innocent crushes. Guess I'm lucky.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Well, I live in New York, and uh, nobody drives here. But I don't know, there's nothing wrong with a 12 or 13 year old experimenting, as long as they are doing it safely.

 

[Colleen27]

Also, purity rings are a pretty heteronormative thing. I wonder if these programs also discuss sex that young women have with other young women, and boys with other boys.

I doubt it. I'm not aware of a single faith associated with purity rings that accepts homosexuality, so that's a non-issue from their perspective.

 

[pacrosby]

Well, I live in New York, and uh, nobody drives here. But I don't know, there's nothing wrong with a 12 or 13 year old experimenting, as long as they are doing it safely.

So how would a 12/13 yo get to another 12/13 yo's house? Maybe you live in an area with public transportation. I don't. Kids who can't drive are reliant on their parents to get around. The town is much too big and spread out to just walk over to Susie's house (unless Susie just happens to live in the same neighborhood which is going to be pretty unlikely). I can certainly understand where this could be real issue in certain areas but not all. And in those areas where it is an issue, alittle more parental involvement/control can usually solve that.

As far as 12/13 yo's experimenting sexually.......I'm not getting into that discussion. Seems like a recipe for disaster..and if another parent doesn't see that they have no one to blame but themselves if things take a turn for the worse.

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, I live in New York, and uh, nobody drives here. But I don't know, there's nothing wrong with a 12 or 13 year old experimenting, as long as they are doing it safely.

Nothing wrong with it?

You know, this is why you can never assume your kids are going to be "OK" over at someone else's home. They just might think it is Okey-dokey for 2 12yos to be in the bedroom, with the door shut, experimenting.

 

[luvmy3]

So how would a 12/13 yo get to another 12/13 yo's house? Maybe you live in an area with public transportation. I don't. Kids who can't drive are reliant on their parents to get around. The town is much too big and spread out to just walk over to Susie's house (unless Susie just happens to live in the same neighborhood which is going to be pretty unlikely). I can certainly understand where this could be real issue in certain areas but not all. And in those areas where it is an issue, alittle more parental involvement/control can usually solve that.

My 12 year old is allowed to walk around our neighborhood and go to his friends houses. If I bring him to another friends house that isn't in our subdivision, he is allowed to walk around there and go to other friends houses too. Heck even my 8 year old is allowed to walk around here with his friends. Our subdivision is surrounded by woods on 3 sides, plenty of places for young lust to go.
The only way to solve that is never ever leave a 12/13 year old unsupervised. I think its pretty naïve to think that just because you as a parent have to bring them to so and so's house that they don't have opportunities to ever be alone with someone of the opposite sex.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I'm a little shocked at how conservative people are... My siblings and I were unsupervised at like 10, 7 and 4, or I guess I was the supervisor at 10. We didn't do anything bad when we were little, but our parents certainly trusted us.

 

[pacrosby]

My 12 year old is allowed to walk around our neighborhood and go to his friends houses. If I bring him to another friends house that isn't in our subdivision, he is allowed to walk around there and go to other friends houses too. Heck even my 8 year old is allowed to walk around here with his friends. Our subdivision is surrounded by woods on 3 sides, plenty of places for young lust to go.
The only way to solve that is never ever leave a 12/13 year old unsupervised. I think its pretty naïve to think that just because you as a parent have to bring them to so and so's house that they don't have opportunities to ever be alone with someone of the opposite sex.

Are you trying to suggest that any 12/13 yo is going to start experimenting with just any other 12/13 yo? That's ridiculous. We're not talking about friends, we're talking about boyfriend/girlfriends. And if you know your 12 yo is lusting after another 12 yo in your neighborhood perhaps it's time to start acting like a parent.

That said, like I said, most 12/13 yo's I know are not just hanging around in the neighborhood anymore. They've grown out of that. They have lots of homework to do. They are seriously involved in extracurriculars. They have yet to hit the "hang out and relax and party scene" that is more typical of high schoolers. My own dd sees her friends in school, at each other's houses if they are working on a project (with parent, who I know, present) and occasionally at sleep overs (again with parents, who I know, present). The rest of the time I know exactly where she is. So where exactly is all this experimenting supposed to take place

This notion that a parent doesn't have any control over a very young teen is absurd.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Yes, the majority of us are explaining to you that 12/13 year olds do "stuff" with people who are not their committed significant others. It's called hooking up, and if you think your kid doesn't do it, you're probably wrong.

 

[pacrosby]

I'm a little shocked at how conservative people are... My siblings and I were unsupervised at like 10, 7 and 4, or I guess I was the supervisor at 10. We didn't do anything bad when we were little, but our parents certainly trusted us.

I think you are talking about two different things. I leave my almost 13 yo daughter alone with my 11/10 and 7 yo sons. I leave my 11 yo son alone with his 10 and 7 yo brothers. I leave the 10 year alone with the 7 year old. But that's a little different than allowing two 12 years to play hanky panky in a bedroom with the door closed, don't you think?

ETA and btw...there is no "majority of us" in this discussion. It's pretty much just you and me here. And even if 10 people came on and expressed a point of view similar to yours, there'd be an equal amount who'd get where I was coming from. I'm not denying there are young teens who experiment. I'm just saying I think it's wrong. And, no, not everyone does it (more like a small minority). And yes, a responsible involved parent can minimize it from happening.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I think you are talking about two different things. I leave my almost 13 yo daughter alone with my 11/10 and 7 yo sons. I leave my 11 yo son alone with his 10 and 7 yo brothers. I leave the 10 year alone with the 7 year old. But that's a little different than allowing two 12 years to play hanky panky in a bedroom with the door closed, don't you think?

Not really. If your not home, you don't really have control over who comes over.