Dating while going through a divorce

[DisneyAddict_M]

I think it's a personal decision and depends on the circumstances. If they're still living together, then I wouldn't agree with that. I think it would be very confusing to the children.

I didn't start dating until a couple of years after my ex-husband and I divorced. That was just my personal decision. My ex, on the other hand, got re-married 3 months after the divorce. Our daughter (who was just a baby at the time) lived with me and didn't see her father very often (we live in different states), so I felt that it was WAY more important for me to be there for her than to start dating. Her father didn't really need to do that since he didn't have much involvement in her young life (I'm sooo glad he turned around and is now an upstanding father, but that's another story lol).

Our daughter is now 5 1/2. She has only met my boyfriend a few times (we've been dating for about 9 months). I mostly see him after she's in bed or on the weekends she's with her father. Again, a personal decision.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Well, while our divorce isn't technically final just yet, both my ex and I are moving on. Legal or not, our marriage has been over for years. We're talking about 4-5 years. But we don't have kids either.

Go ahead, flame away.

Kids aren't involved in your case, so I don't see what's wrong with your decision. Unless you make stupid choices like I did. But that's for another thread.

My split happened right away and our divorce was final three months later. I started dating way too soon, but didn't remarry for years. The ex on the other hand, remarried within months of our divorce being final.

I don't know who was more evil - me, or him.

 

[Chicago526]

Some divorces, especially if the spouses are fighting over money or custody, can take years to complete. In that case, I could see the parent(s) dating descretly. And if the reason for divorce was infidelity, then I guess what's the point in hiding the relationship? My best friends father left her mother for the mother's best friend , as soon as the divorce was final they got married. Not much point in pretending, really.

But on the flip side, I think you're crazy to date someone not yet divorced. Another of my good friend's did that, and it was a disaster. She isn't 100% sure, but she feels he never really filed and he and his ex were just separated. He wouldn't let her met his family or spend hardly any time with his baby daughter, and she's also pretty sure he cheated on her, too. She finally had enough and dumped his sorry butt! (on a happier note, she's with a great guy now!).

 

[goofygirl]

How dare that woman be happy. I'm sure her teenagers would be much better off is she were miserable.

Can't she find happiness in something else? Like spending time with her kids?

 

[MushyMushy]

To me it depends on the circumstances. I just can't think in absolutes, or in black and white.

When DH and I went through a separation, we were on the brink of divorce. He'd already moved on in a relationship and I dated. But dated as in, going out with males, no serious relationships. To me, it wasn't any different than going out with my male friends, which I did as well. How could anyone say that my going out with Jack (date) harmed my kids, but my going out with John (friend) didn't? (I know it probably sounds like I was promiscuous, but that wasn't the way it was at all) For my family and me, it worked. Would it work in the future? Who's to say? I don't know.

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm sure her teenagers

One daughter is 15 or 16, the other one is 11.

 

[PrincessJasmine08]

My aunt is going through a divorce and is not dating. Her ex-husband, however, is. My cousin is 15 years old. She is a teenager and going through all the normal teenager stuff. On top of that her parents are getting divorced, a HUGE life change. Then, add a new woman to the mix after my cousin has only seen her dad with one woman in her life-her mom. Needless to say my cousin is not doing too well. Hopefully she will get the help she needs, but in my opinion what her father is doing is downright selfish. When you become a parent you are a parent first, a member of the dating community second.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, while our divorce isn't technically final just yet, both my ex and I are moving on. Legal or not, our marriage has been over for years. We're talking about 4-5 years. But we don't have kids either.

Go ahead, flame away.

No flames here. You have no one to worry about other than yourselves, so have a happy life.

Again, I think the difference, which all of you who have children and have been divorced are missing is the length of time since the marriage seems to have fallen apart and the effect on the kids.

From the sound of things, Dad is still living in the house. Kids are dealing with trauma of a break-up, now add a new guy into the mix within a short period of time.
Long dragged out scenarios...different story.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think it's a personal decision and depends on the circumstances. If they're still living together, then I wouldn't agree with that. I think it would be very confusing to the children.

I didn't start dating until a couple of years after my ex-husband and I divorced. That was just my personal decision. My ex, on the other hand, got re-married 3 months after the divorce. Our daughter (who was just a baby at the time) lived with me and didn't see her father very often (we live in different states), so I felt that it was WAY more important for me to be there for her than to start dating. Her father didn't really need to do that since he didn't have much involvement in her young life (I'm sooo glad he turned around and is now an upstanding father, but that's another story lol).

Our daughter is now 5 1/2. She has only met my boyfriend a few times (we've been dating for about 9 months). I mostly see him after she's in bed or on the weekends she's with her father. Again, a personal decision.

And a wise one, IMHO.

 

[mudnuri]

I guess there is too much left out of the OP to actually have an opinion.

Is the boyfriend coming around? Do the kids know him etc....Sounds to me like it may not be like that???

I left my X in feb 2005, the DD's didnt meet any guy I 'dated' until DBF-(late fall of 2005) they met him here, with other friends of mine as one of 'moms friends', nothing more. Spent awhile doing that- and then I sat em down and explained that DBF is more than one of 'moms friends'...also explained to them that he was not taking their place, that we would still be 'just the three of us' whenever they needed it etc...

Course now- a year later, well they'd rather hang out just the three of them- without me!...

Brandy <----------horrible dating mom!

 

[cardaway]

I think that it's hard enough for children to go through their parents' divorce, but to bring a third person into the equation is just plain selfish. So, my question: While going through a divorce... Do parents have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for their children?

Yes, parents have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for their children, but there is no one defintion on what fits that description.

IMO there is no problem with people starting to date during the divorce process. In some cases the process take too long to expect people to put their personal happiness on hold.

 

[Tiffer]

I am apprehensive to post b/c I know how people can get slammed on these boards, but here goes...

I would normally agree that it s wrong to date before you are divorced. But I also hesitate to make such a blanket statement like that. I think each situation is different.

I do agree that children need to be looked out for, married, divorced, or whatever..

My situation is that we have been separated for 3 years. I have never dated anyone. I don't think he has, but I don't know for sure. IT is certainly possible. I moved to CA from NY 2 years ago. We are still friendly. I filed in May. He didn't want me to have him served; he agreed to sign an acknowledgment. He sat on it for 2 mos and now my D will be final in January.

FYI-the divorce was his idea. Just wasn't happy.

I am now getting ready to start dating. Although I am not legally divorced, I think it's time. I have had discussion with DD 10 before hand. So we are both comfortable with it.

It is a tough situation and I am trying to do the best I can.

 

[noodleknitter]

Yes, parents have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for their children, but everybody would agree on what fits that description.

IMO there is no problem with people starting to date during the divorce process. In some cases the process take too long to expect people to put their personal happiness on hold.

But if a person needs to "date" someone for their "personal happiness" I would argue that there is indeed an issue that they need to consider. Sort of jumpin out of the frying pan and into the fire.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I think that my neighbor's dating habits are so very much none of my business that I couldn't begin to form an opinion.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I am completely against it, but my feelings are based on one situation I witnessed that I just can't shake.

The mom of a boy DS used to be friends with was very selfish. She decided to divorce her DH because he didn't want the same things she did (more children being one of those things). Their divorce turned into a knock down, drag out, full scale battle that went on for YEARS, and was still going on last I heard. DS and the boy don't go to the same school anymore so I don't know how it ended.

Anyway, the mom had a boyfriend. He came into the picture after her DH moved out and the divorce was filed, but the mom was so into her boyfriend that she was ignoring her kids. When she wasn't ignoring them she was including her boyfriend in everything she did with the boys. Her older DS was just befuddled by the whole thing. He was confused, he was jealous of the boyfriend, he couldn't figure out where his loyalty was supposed to be. It was a mess. And the boyfriend was a slimeball. It really made me think hard about divorced parents dating and exposing their kids to the people they date.

I just hope I am never in that situation.

 

[California Girl]

We can think whatever we want about people, but in general I think it's rude to talk about people's decisions without knowing the full story. I guess I don't see what societal good can come about talking behind people's backs, and I don't see anyone advocating that the OP go to her neighbors and "condemn" their behavior. We're better off teaching our kids morals and hope that situations that are outside that moral construct remain the exception rather than the accepted.

What possible "full story" would change the facts in this situation?
She isn't divorced.
She is already moving on (we'll just have to assume sexually since that's implied by their going away together).
Her kids are witnesses to this.
The old word for this used to be adultery and in some states, it's still illegal (shock).

But hey, her personal happiness should trump all reasons in this situation (that's just me being sarcastic).

Sometimes things are black and white. This is wrong, and there are no circumstances that change that.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't agree with it.

When the ink is dry...go for it.

I was on the child end of divorce and witnessed first hand.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well, while our divorce isn't technically final just yet, both my ex and I are moving on. Legal or not, our marriage has been over for years. We're talking about 4-5 years. But we don't have kids either.

Go ahead, flame away.

As noodleknitter said--no problem. Your decisions do not impact children.

 

[*Fantasia*]

Do parents have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for their children?

Of course.. for better or for worse.. in whatever situation they are in.

 

[wdwmom2]

I left my ex DH in September and started dating in January. I had a DD4 and a DD11. Their dad and I had joint custody. I would save my dating nights for the nights that their dad had them. About 6 months later I started involving them in this relationship (movies, haunted houses, etc.). Everything worked out well.

Well that was 10 years ago, the guy I dated is now my DH, and everything is going very well. Everyone gets along well, my 2 children, his 2 children, everyone!

So I guess I have no problem with dating before the divorce is final. I guess that there is a right and wrong way to handle it. And there may be people that do not feel comfortable with it at all. And that's OK too. I feel that I handled it the right way.