Dating while going through a divorce

[RitaZ.]

I know where I stand on this issue, meaning what I would and wouldn't do. I'm curious as to how others see it.

My neighbors are going through a divorce. The wife has a boyfriend and has gone away for the weekend with him while her daughters stayed with friends. I had a feeling that she had to have something "on the side" because of the way she is behaving and things she has said. Her soon to be ex-husband comes and goes, he isn't home all the time. She looks as giddy and happy as a teenager, he is quiet and keeping to himself. I feel bad for the girls.

I think that it's hard enough for children to go through their parents' divorce, but to bring a third person into the equation is just plain selfish. So, my question: While going through a divorce... Do parents have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for their children?

Your opinions...

 

[lil mermaid]

I think parents ALWAYS have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for the sake for their children, but that's just my opinion...

 

[Christine]

I agree with you.

And, I think, if you MUST date, do so VERY discreetly so your kids aren't really aware and no one else is either.

My mom *was* divorced for awhile before she remarried. I was very young and very attached to my mom. My mom NEVER went on a date until after I was in bed and she never went away for the weekend either. I would have hated that.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think parents ALWAYS have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for the sake for their children, but that's just my opinion...

I agree. Married. separated or divorced.

IMO, it's a good idea to stay out of the dating scene until after the divorce. Not just for the kids, but for time to adjust to the major changes in your life.

But really, it isn't anyones business. We all have to make decisions for ourselves.

 

[ZachnElli]

You sound like you are describing my brother's situation. Except my brother is living with me and my family and we get his 3 kids on the weekends. And my brother is completely heartbroken. His wife swears they are "just friends". Yeah right! I'm a little too biased to answer the actual question right now.

 

[salmoneous]

How dare that woman be happy. I'm sure her teenagers would be much better off is she were miserable.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Is the "boyfriend" hanging around the kids or do they meet away from the kids? If it all takes place out of the presence of the kids then to each his/her own. If it's taking place in front of the kids then I think that is wrong. I know it's not the same but I remember when my mom started dating after my dad passed away and she would bring her boyfriends around. I was the biggest brat going and would throw hissies whenever they were around. Yes I was a horrid 12, 13, and 14 year old. It didn't help that she would have them spend the night (yes I STILL have issues that I am working through). But really, I don't think it's easy for kids to deal with their parents dating especially so soon. When DH was dating AFTER his divorce he never introduced his DD and DS to his girlfriends unless it was very serious. I was the second girlfriend they ever met and we married. I think it's so important to protect kids when going through this process.

 

[singingpixie]

I think to me, the important factor is that they're still all living together, not that they're still "going through" the divorce. Sometimes the legal proceedings take years (my coworker just had his divorce finalized after 3 years... for the past 2 years he's been seeing someone), so I think the fact that that family seems to have an awkward living situation is more of a concern than the legal standing of their marriage. It does put the children in an awkward position to see their mom going out with a new man while their father is at home. Seems to me that if the marriage is done and over and she's moved on, they need to be living separately too. Then again, that's my opinion- it's definitely their business, not any of ours.

 

[California Girl]

I think parents ALWAYS have a moral obligation to behave in a respectable manner for the sake for their children, but that's just my opinion...

ITA. This is so sad it makes me want to barf. What kind of an example is this for the kids? It doesn't sound like they are even really officially separated. How can you possibly rationally tell kids right and wrong? Is there no sense of shame anymore? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

[sugarpie]

I'm a firm believer that it's always trouble to jump into a new relationship when you're barely out of your current one. I don't think you can truly be happy with someone if you can't be happy without someone.

Some people just don't think about their kids & how they feel. They feel justified in starting a relationship because they were so unhappy, but how sad for the kids.

 

[California Girl]

Then again, that's my opinion- it's definitely their business, not any of ours.

Have we become so politically correct that we can't condemn any behavior any more. It is society's business because the morals that are accepted effect everyone. But, nooooooo, it's not me so it's none of my business. That's just bunk.

 

[NMAmy]

My divorce dragged on forever due to my ex dragging his feet so I dated before I was divorced. And my ex was the one who had an affair and was living with that woman who was pregnant with their child. Not a great situation for dd.

I started dating DH about 6 months after we filed for divorce. DD didn't meet him until about 6 months after that when I knew we were serious. Luckily, she adores him so she never had any real issues with it. He's never tried to be her dad but he's her best pal and her biggest fan.

 

[Sthronds]

I agree with most of you that a person should be legally out of a relationship before starting a new one but here's a situation to through out there. . .

My good friend was separated from her husband for over 9 years. They just didn't bother to divorce. They rarely saw each other, he had trouble with the law, spent some time in Jail, had another child (in addition to the two they had together). He was living out of the area. During those 9 years, she dated and finally got a divorce because she was engaged to her current husband. I really didn't see the problem with her dating in that situation, but I think it was silly of her to drag it out like that.

 

[RitaZ.]

I know it's not anyone's business. I'm just writing about it, like all the other and similar topics that are brought up and discussed on the DIS daily.

I think it's so important to protect kids when going through this process.

Miss J~ That's where I'm coming from. What they choose to do has no effect on me or my family. Like I said, I do feel bad for the girls.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Not only is it bad for the kids, it's bad for the person going through the divorce, even if they're unaware of it at the time.

I know, because I was that person. I dated way too soon after my ex and I split up. My oldest daughter didn't care for him and as a consequence, ended up moving out to live with her dad.

I snapped out of it, and snapped myself right back into another relationship. I think I just hated to be alone and needed that void in my life filled. As a result, I hurt two very good men, and both of my daughters.

I didn't date for over a year and when I did, I met my current husband. He should have been the first man I dated, long after my divorce was final.

But back then you couldn't have told me any different. I knew what I was doing and my kids were fine with it. I wasn't the brightest crayon in the box at that time.

Your neighbor will probably realize too late, that she's making a fool out of herself and harming her children, but by then the damage will be done. Rebound relationships very rarely turn out well.

 

[singingpixie]

Have we become so politically correct that we can't condemn any behavior any more. It is society's business because the morals that are accepted effect everyone. But, nooooooo, it's not me so it's none of my business. That's just bunk.

We can think whatever we want about people, but in general I think it's rude to talk about people's decisions without knowing the full story. I guess I don't see what societal good can come about talking behind people's backs, and I don't see anyone advocating that the OP go to her neighbors and "condemn" their behavior. We're better off teaching our kids morals and hope that situations that are outside that moral construct remain the exception rather than the accepted.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I'm a firm believer that it's always trouble to jump into a new relationship when you're barely out of your current one. I don't think you can truly be happy with someone if you can't be happy without someone.

Very well said!

Unfortunately, it didn't make any sense to me back then.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Well, while our divorce isn't technically final just yet, both my ex and I are moving on. Legal or not, our marriage has been over for years. We're talking about 4-5 years. But we don't have kids either.

Go ahead, flame away.

 

[noodleknitter]

Well, while our divorce isn't technically final just yet, both my ex and I are moving on. Legal or not, our marriage has been over for years. We're talking about 4-5 years. But we don't have kids either.

Go ahead, flame away.

No kids...no problem! There isn't anyone affected by your decisions other than yourself. Happy wishes for your future!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I believe one needs to wait until the divorce is final before dating. She needs to be a mother first and a teenager when the kids are not around and cannot see it. The new boyfriend should not even get to know the kids until it is really serious. Kids will attach to new lovers and then when the trist is over the kids lose another adult that did seem like a parent in some ways. My cousin's marriage counselor told him him this too.